Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[Quid est Veritas?]

Best wait till the hulabaloo has died down, so that there are no crowds. I'd suggest celebrating it on March 23rd at 7:43 exactly. You can let off some fireworks in Times Square.

How can I get my relatives to leave? Christmas day is over.

 

[Chesterton]

Play some Trout Mask Replica real loud. Works every time.

How can I become a mover and shaker?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

There are only something like three or four elderly Shakers left. You'd have to move to Maine, so that would take care of the mover part... Only issue is the pesky bit about embracing heresy.

How can I convince the authorities to do what I want?

 

[lucypevensie]

Plan a hostage situation.

How do I use the Internet to sell stuff?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Nowadays there is this thing called an NFT, where you don't actually own anything but the concept of the original of a thing. Just sell NFTs of stuff. You dont have to do anything.

How can I get people to wake up?

 

[mama2one]

smelling salts? or hand sanitizer, lol


I don't want to wake up.....I want sleep...zzzzz!

 

[Chesterton]

Soak your covid mask in chloroform. If anyone asks later, just say you must have accidentally spilled some chloroform on your mask while you were using chloroform for some other purpose, as we all do on a daily basis. For instance, my dog was never very smart at learning tricks, so I find chloroform helpful to her performing certain tricks such as "lie down" and "play dead".

How can I help my bad posture?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

We can do an anterior decompression and fusion of your spine, from the cervical down to lumbar vertebrae.

I need to organise a great party for my young son...

 

[mama2one]

error

 

[Chesterton]

Just provide the kids with things they really love, like educational reading materials and nutritious vegetables to snack on. If there's a lull in the action you can regale them with fascinating tales of how things were different when you were a kid.

How to deal with telemarketing phone calls?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Drive down there and go listen to their pitch in person.

How can I get everyone to school on time?

 

[Vesper_Jaye✝️]

You use your time machine… duh…

The paintings I saw in my college art history class are kind of creepy. I think they might give me nightmares. What do I do?

 

[Chesterton]

You should drop out. If you think art history is creepy, wait till they force you to take Gender Studies.

I don't want to get cavities, but I don't want to brush my teeth.

 

[Vesper_Jaye✝️]

Pull your teeth out.

It’s my grandma’s birthday and I don’t know what present to get her.

 

[Chesterton]

There is literally nothing you can get a grandma that she won't proudly display in her home:

(WARNING: Contains a mild profanity.)

How can I get this butterfly off my nose?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Tattoo a chameleon on your cheek to scare off the butterfly.

I need the floor spotless, fast.

 

[Chesterton]

But I spent all day putting those spots on the floor! I thought everybody liked polka dots.

How can I develop a better attention span?

 

[Vesper_Jaye✝️]

Do things that you’re interested in. You’ll be able to pay attention to those things for longer. If you find it hard to pay attention at work, just quit and do something else!

Even though I can easily do most exercises, I’m always out of breath when I run. Any tips to fix this?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Just bypass the lungs and oxygenate the blood directly with an extra-corporal membrane oxygenator (ECMO). You'll never be out of breath and imagine how fit you will be lugging all that equipment and machinery after you.

How can I get a good night's rest?

 

[Chesterton]

Get yourself a sensory deprivation tank. You'll either get a very good night's rest, or you'll revert to a proto-human form and wander around at night hunting and eating your neighbor's pets.

How can I eat whatever I want without becoming overweight?