Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[look4hope]

Dust thou art and to dust thou will return - or for bonus marks the Latin: Pulvis es et in pulverem revertaris.

Grrreat idea!

What to do with myself today?

Solo karaoke. Make sure volume it’s at the highest level...and use one of those annoying million voice filters microphones and sing your heart out. I’m sure your neighbors will greatly appreciate.

2:15am. Just finished some computer work. I don’t feel tired. What should I do?

 

[lucypevensie]

It’s the ideal time to mow your lawn.

I need to clean the basement, but also need to walk the dog, but I don’t have time to do both. What should I do?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Wash your dog in the basement. He'll immediately jump out and start running around and rolling in the muck. Repeat process till basement is scrubbed clean and dog is sufficiently exercised.

How can I prioritise the important things in life?

 

[look4hope]

By using all your Savings to buy a boat, head to the ocean for a few days to
have a moment of sudden realization, comprehension and most importantly inspiration to buy a motorcycle next.

Have to deal with the most arrogant co worker for the rest of the month. How should I approach and manage this?

 

[Chesterton]

Quit that job and enroll in clown school. I've never met an arrogant clown.

I just climbed Mt. Everest and I'm at the summit. What a waste of time, this is boring. What can I do to entertain myself?

 

[lucypevensie]

Remember when you were a kid and it was fun to lie down and roll down a hill? Do that, only you’ll be on a much bigger hill with chunks of ice instead of grass.

how can I keep the cat from clawing my favorite chair?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Barbed wire.

How do I know which candidates are good in an interview?

 

[lucypevensie]

Avoid the ones who make eye contact. They are just trying to hypnotize you into hiring them.

How do you know which berries are safe to eat?

 

[Chesterton]

Consult your tribe's witch doctor.

My friend Bubba Lee Ricky Jackson Bobby is driving this pickup truck about 90 miles an hour. He just said "Hold my beer and watch this!" What should I do?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Insult his choice of beer.

How can I stretch the pennies?

 

[Chesterton]

Contact this guy:

How can I be a better door-to-door salesman?

 

[lucypevensie]

Offer to give the people the item you’re selling for free, plus give them $100. Pretty soon people will welcome you with open arms.

How can we find this stray cat’s owner?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Threaten to cut it in half. Hey, it worked for Solomon.

How can I get on the highway from here?

 

[Chesterton]

You're already on the information superhighway, and the other highway is not super.

What can I do about these peeping Toms?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Billboard adds explaining that you need privacy and that there is absolutely nothing to see over here.

I need to get someone out of Kabul, pronto.

 

[Chesterton]

Here's a phone number for Joe Biden: 202-456-1414. The heads of state of his closest allies are still waiting for their calls to be returned, so you may need a little patience.

How can I be better at Renaissance LARPing?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Break into the military labs and steal a phial of smallpox. You don't get more authentic than that.

How can I better insulate my house for heat and cold?

 

[lucypevensie]

Insulate your house’s exterior with remnants of shag carpet.

What are some good uses for empty banana peels?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Throw them on the sidewalk in front of your house, then set up a webcam for hilarious falls.

How can I motivate myself?

 

[lucypevensie]

Buy yourself a dozen donuts, and every time you do something good, reward yourself with a donut.

How to get rid of tough laundry odors?