Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[Quid est Veritas?]

A full foam chicken costume.

How can I be seemingly in two places at once?

 

[public hermit]

Do what we all do, look at them while they jabber on about who cares, and think about something wholly unrelated.

Help me focus.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Do stretching exercises until you can hold your body perfectly convex, then wear a suit woven of tiny little mirrors.

How can I get out of a boring course I have to attend?

 

[LaSorcia]

Ask if you can take a chiseling course instead.

What should I do with these burned cookies?

 

[Tom 1]

Present them as a symbolic gift to the descendants of King Alfred. Make a YouTube vid about how monarchs were not all bad. Turn this into a movie starring [generic action superstar] showing that it was actually an American who defeated the Danes, including a scene where [generic action superstar] throws the magna carta at King John’s feet then shoots the sherif of Nottingham after a scurrilous attempt by said sherif to speak proper English.

How to improve cross-Atlantic understanding?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Search for homely commonalities: You wear pants, they wear pants; you eat chips, they eat chips; you eat biscuits, they eat biscuits; you have democratic governance, they have democratic governance.

How can I get my children off the post Easter sugar high?

 

[DMVbirdie]

My feeding them lots of carrots or carrot juice. Be careful, though. Carrot juice can give you loose bowels.

What's a good way to catch up on reading a half finished novel?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Watch the movie.

How can I stop bothering people on sundays?

 

[Tom 1]

I can help you there - whenever you see someone reading a book ask them how much of it they have read, if you’re not too picky about it being exactly 50% through then you can buy your own copy and read the rest.

If it’s not near or far how do I remember why I started this sentence?

 

[LaSorcia]

I strongly recommend a past life regression therapist. Then you will not only realize why you started that sentence, you will understand the motivation for everything you do in this lifetime.


Should I go to every church service my church offers, or just the main Sunday liturgy?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

No need to go. Just use the Zoom link. I mean, it is practically the same.

How can I learn a new language quickly?

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

spend more time with dogs or cats and get to pronouncing your meows, growls, and other assorted animal friendlie speak sound and succinctly

how do i have high hopes for new flash movie and michael keaton's return performance of batman?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Wear superhero spandex with purpose-built nipple enhancement till it no longer feels weird to you.

How can I get unreliable contractors to be on time?

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

free tacos for lunch to every worker that shows up on time.

how do i get rid of this sneaking malaise?

 

[Chesterton]

Malaise goes great on pizza.

Oh wait I'm thinking of mayonnaise.

I bought a product and it came with this FREE packet of silica gel. I really want to eat it. It was in little bag that says DO NOT EAT, but maybe that's just referring to the bag? I love eating gelatin, and that's a gel, right? This stuff looks great. It says "desiccant" but I say delicious! I really want to eat this silica gel.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Ever heard of homeopathy? They say if you take a little bit of something in dilution, it is more potent. So just eat a lot of the silica gel, then the effects should be diminished by volume.

How can I thread a needle?

 

[LaSorcia]

I'm so glad to hear you've taken up yoga. The health benefits are amazing. Rather than explain, here's a picture of threading the needle pose:

Where oh where has my little dog gone? Where oh where can he be???

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Well, how much is the doggy in the window? The one with the waggly tale?

Apparently I am nothin' but a hounddog, barking profusely, and failing to catch rabbits. How can I rectify these matters?

 

[Lost4words]

Jump in a pit with 10 Lions and 100 rabbits.

How can my friend escape the Lions with the rabbits?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

A strongly worded letter will do. That always discourages the strong. Or sanctions.

How to get rid of quite a lot of nearly expired yoghurt?