Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[LaSorcia]

One does not boil beluga eggs, sir. One spreads them on croustade.

I keep falling asleep during Liturgy. Given that we stand, this means I'm literally asleep on my feet. What to do?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Set an alarm to loudly go off every 2 minutes during service, to keep you awake.

What can I do to shorten the inevitable waiting on other people to do their jobs?

 

[mama2one]

do everyone's jobs so no waiting!
after all, you know you can do jobs better, right?


marriage class video has countdown that circles around
I fell asleep after 10, 9, 8, 7.....lol
how not to embarrass myself in front of husband?

 

[LaSorcia]

how not to embarrass myself in front of husband?

Stand behind him!


Someone once accused me of being insensitive. After I slugged them, I thought that maybe they have a point. How can I be more sensitive?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

I don't understand. Didn't you slug him? How more sensitive can you be? I would suggest you buy him a book on understanding women, such as my new 5 copy series at easy downpayments of 9.95 - results may vary, no refunds.

How can I jump a queue?

 

[LaSorcia]

If it's a bathroom queue, take a child and have them complain loudly that they're going to have an accident if they have to wait any longer. If you just want to jump over people waiting in line, start doing track and field.


How can I get my cakes to rise more?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Don't get royalty involved, as they often burn the cakes. Nor the commoners, as they get angry when told they must eat cake - although that will certainly result in a rising. To get your cakes to rise, you must first seize the means of production, I'd say. Obviously only the bourgeoisie can make good cakes that have sufficiently risen, and obviously they are filthy parasites upon you, the worker.

How can I make things less obvious, when obviously everything is?

 

[Chesterton]

Explain everything in Esperanto, the universal language that no one knows.

I think the internet is demonic. How can I convince everyone to stop using the internet?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Just inform them that the internet is full of all sorts of sinful and vile things, easily accessible, like inappropriate contentography or sites where you can gossip and be idle. That ought to do it.

Where can I get a unicorn? I kind of promised my daughter one.

 

[Chesterton]

I hear they're doing amazing things with surgery these days. Just get a regular horse, then get a rhinoceros, and well, you see where I'm going...

How can I learn to stop being a hoarder?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Attend one of those "vocational training camps" China has built out there in Xinjiang. Pretty soon you won't even support the idea of private property anymore.

How can I find peace?

 

[Brigitte]

Ask every person you meet to mind their own business and leave you alone.

What should I tell my boss tomorrow if I want to take it easy at home instead of going to work?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

I quit, followed by some choice expletives and personal insults.

How can I keep the wolf from the door?

 

[Chesterton]

Get a couple of bigger, badder wolves on your payroll.

How can I tell if I'm hungry?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

The distended abdomen and loss of teeth and hair from vitamin deficiency are telltale signs.

How can I see the other guy, that everyone says is apparently worse off after the fight? I always just run into this guy.

 

[public hermit]

Look in the mirror, bludgeon yourself, then you'll see both guys in one fell swoop.

What is the quickest way to join Fight Club?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Don't talk about it.

How can I punish my child when he is naughty, without feeling bad about it myself.

 

[LaSorcia]

Act like royalty- hire a whipping boy.

What help should I give a homeless person?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

They just need encouragement or some good old-fashioned advice, the little dears. Something along the lines of 'Get a job' would do nicely.

How can I punish late-comers?

 

[public hermit]

Act like they don't exist. If they try to speak to you, wave you hand in front of your face, and with a look of disgust say, "Is that a gnat? I hear a buzz."

I can't seem to get people's attention. What do you suggest?