Give "Bad" Advice (2)

[jsimms615]

Pour a bucket of red fire ants on your back. That will make it feel. . . .different


I must have gotten 100 calls today. What can i do to make the calls stop?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Donate your cell phone to the first homeless person you meet--if s/he is talking to herself, that is best, because the calls will stop, and you can use your time to write that paper you keep putting off on Welfare Back to Work: Should We or Shouldn't We Endorse It?

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I need to bake something for a church function--enough for 24 persons, and I'm out of flour, baking soda and several other ingredients I need to make chocolate chip bars. Any substitute ideas for these necessary ingredients?

 

[Woman of Faith]

Cement, crushed limestone (or granite) and water. Yes, this will make chocolate chip concrete bars, BUT those fat old church people need to lose weight anyway and these bars will break their teeth out so they can't eat anything for a long while. You won't have to make ANYTHING for next month's church dinner!

I just don't get into Duck Dynasty the way everyone else is. Am I strange?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

You are as anti-duck as it gets! Not into Duck Dynasty; what do you have against water fowl and their power?!? If this were the BAN you game thread, I would give you this:

Anti-Fowl Foul BAN.

Geez-a-lou...

And I have no idea what Duck Dynasty is but your hate for it makes my blood boil!!!



still, you give good bad advice so

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My grandmother has Alzheimer's, she keeps leaving the house with only a blouse and clean underwear on. How can I convince this senile bird to put on some outer pants?

 

[Woman of Faith]

Senile? She's wearing CLEAN underpants! Clearly, the woman is as sane as they come, leave her alone. If she wants to show off the fact she still has great gams at her age, let her! She's wearing more than a lot of so called sane people are wearing these days.

My # is on the do not call list yet one stubborn company continues calling, refusing to take me off THEIR list. What do I do?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Put their phone number on Craig's List: FREE pedigreed Shi Tzus to anyone, first caller gets pick of litter! Include the cutest 'free domain puppy photos available--breed doesn't matter, SPAMMERS don't care; they'll ring every bell this company has...

I have to take meds three times a day--my alarm didn't go off for 3:00p.m. and I'm out-of-sorts and a bit whacked right now. What can I do about this problem?

 

[lucypevensie]

I suggest you have a serious talk with your alarm clock. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. As far as your medication goes, just drink a can of Coke or Dr Pepper. There is enough caffeine in there to get you through till tomorrow at 3PM.

My cat has a skin condition called feline chin acne (really!). I'm supposed to put some stuff on there once a day to clear it up. But it is so gross-looking that it seriously repulses me. How in the world am I supposed to put the stuff on it if I can't even look at it???

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Blind-fold you and your cat, then use one of it's paws (whichever one doesn't reach out to claw you to pieces) to put the stuff on the acne; I mean, the blind leading the blind has been done since we evolved from cats, so it's only natural the two of you should be in this medication business together.

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The patio screen door keeps falling off--bashing my husband or me in the head, falling on our already fragile Boston fern, and will not stay on track. Any suggestions for how we can get fresh air, no bugs, and no head or plant bashing tonight?

 

[forest flower]

Remove the door and just have the screen protect you from insects. Also you might want to stop using that door until it can recover.

What's the quickest way to learn how to well apply make-up?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Use well-water as foundation, then just have fun: Make up is to hide behind, so if you're gonna wear a mask, you should apply it liberally and with a light heart

I don't have a raincoat, it's pouring buckets out there, have to go to Mass; what should I put on my head to protect it from getting wet?

 

[forest flower]

You should use a plastic tarp, to keep yourself dry just hold it above and around you.

What should I pack, the prettier or more practical dress?

 

[Woman of Faith]

Without knowing the occasion, I'd say... NEITHER! Go in your birthday dress and, as you make a dramatic entrance, shout "Back to nature! Join me, one and all! Back to nature!"

I root for the Chicago Bears (NFL) yet they have lost to two fairly mediocre teams in recent weeks! What's a Bears fan to do?!

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Wear a funny hat and pretend you are rooting for Catholics instead of Protestant: Go, Rome, Go!



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The sun was shining almost daily, until today, and after three consecutive days of cloudiness, I start feeling down; how can I perk myself up on day three?

 

[lucypevensie]

Watch the news! There is so much good stuff going on in Washington DC right now. The honesty and good-hearted actions of our elected officials will put a smile on your face and brighten your unhappy day.

I can't figure out why the blade thingy on my blender doesn't spin. It's making me mad because I really want to make a smoothie! How do I fix it?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Well, the blender thingy responds reflexively like certain other 'thingies' so just tap it, and keep tapping it until it responds as it should, and you betcha--you'll have a smoothie!

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The next door neighbor has a can-crusher; keeps crushing cans out on his balcony, which is right next to our bedroom. The noise grates on my nerves. Got a solution?

 

[KWCrazy]

The next door neighbor has a can-crusher; keeps crushing cans out on his balcony, which is right next to our bedroom. The noise grates on my nerves. Got a solution?

Raise chickens on your balcony.

What can I use to cook with if I'm out of vegetable oil?

 

[WannaWitness]

Pennzoil.

What is a good natural remedy for sinus and allergy issues?

 

[4Everloved]

Pennzoil.

What is a good natural remedy for sinus and allergy issues?

Mow the lawn. It will cause your head to pound and your nose to run, causing most of that stuff to leave out of your nose.


How can I get out of a bad relationship?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Toilet paper stuffed up your nose: Keeps more than pollen away from you...

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I can't see out my kitchen window, got no Windex (toxic to me) and no vinegar or newspaper which is a terrific combo, so any other ideas for something I might have on hand to get streak-free glass?

 

[4Everloved]

Toilet paper stuffed up your nose: Keeps more than pollen away from you...

***

I can't see out my kitchen window, got no Windex (toxic to me) and no vinegar or newspaper which is a terrific combo, so any other ideas for something I might have on hand to get streak-free glass?

How about Vaseline?

I can't seem to find time to get my oil changed in my car. What should I do?