Give "Bad" Advice (2)

[jsimms615]

Tie him to the back of your car and ride him around for 50 miles the night before. I guarantee he won't be bothering you in the morning


My cat likes to leave little gifts (mice) at the door sometimes for me. What can I do to stop this?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Leave your cat nice gifts, too, like Rottweiler guard dogs and water sprinklers turned out full blast just outside the in/out door, and don't forget to bathe your cat every night (cleanliness is next to Godliness!). Your cat will become 'totally independent' and never even instinctively leave you a gift in this life. Count on it.


Our condo complex association says No Curtains But White, and will fine me for putting any but white outside on our balcony (I bought mint green with a dragonfly border running across the top--and I didn't know about the rule since no rule books were passed out and other people have all sorts of privacy screens and furniture, whatnot outside on their balconies.)

I want to put these curtains up: We live upstairs, right over the kiddie pool, and the curtains are cheery.

How can I put up the curtains for the kids, and avoid a fine?

 

[jsimms615]

Get spotlights and shine them on the landlords apartment. That way he will be blinded and won't see what you have in your windows


I am sick of listening to class lectures. What should I do?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Stick your fingers in your ears and shout, Nah-nah--nah-boo-boo, you're rubber and I'm glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you... Then the professor will only say things you love, not what makes you sick.

The next door neighbor slams his heavy security door every time he leaves and comes across as a 'it's my way or the highway' kinda person. How can I diplomatically convey that the slamming door first thing every mornng, when he comes home for lunch, dinner, et cetera, is, hmm, startling to me?

 

[Woman of Faith]

Get some det cord and line his door jamb with it. Next time he slams the door, you'll both receive a big startle, but it'll be the last one. For both of you.

I have a mouse who seems able to avoid any trap, I even witnessed him walking across the trip plate of a snap trap without it tripping. How do I get rid of this little guy?

 

[WannaWitness]

Bring in a LION! Your mouse troubles be over!

What's a good way to keep hair from clogging the shower drain?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Remove the shower or shave your head: Your preference :=)

I have a sister who thinks any time I use the word 'I', I'm being arrogant; anyway to talk to her without sounding arrogant, or stilted?

 

[jsimms615]

have a personal assistant speak for you, so you don't have to address her at all.


I want to watch two games at the same time, but only have one television. What should I do?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Watch the other on your lap top (yes, I bought you one, of course, I am THAT generous)

I've had hiccups for a week, nothing I've tried (head in paper bag, drinking water with a spoon in the glass, scaring myself (don't ask), but I am still hiccuping, what to do, what to (hic) do (cup)?

 

[lucypevensie]

You need to try again, but mix it up a little. Keep your body and mind confused. Take that paper bag you mentioned, tear it up and soak the pieces in the water in the glass you mentioned. With the spoon you mentioned, eat the water-soaked paper bag. This always works for me.

We don't have enough room in the fridge for a 12 pack of Coke. How are we supposed to keep it cold?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Lay it on top of a swimming pool kickboard and put goggles on top; the soda will get the message..

***

When my best friend visits with her five-year-old son, I always ask her what flavor of Kool-Aid she wants because my mix up cherry and grape, just to make sure there are choices. She always says, 'I don't care, red or purple is cool.' I am trying to set an example for her kindergartner by saying, 'Oh, cherry or grape coming up' but she doesn't take the hint.

How can I get her to catch on that 'flavor' does not mean 'color', or am I being too pedantic, and if so, how can I stop? This is aggravating.

 

[Woman of Faith]

Tell her she's being deliberately obtuse and you won't have friends who refuse to get the point. Make new friends who understand the difference between color and flavor.

I don't know how to use call waiting, tried and tried to figure out how, but just seem to have a mental block. Any hints?

 

[jsimms615]

call waiting is not that helpful. Just open your window and yell outside as loud as you can "Hey, who called?" That should solve everything


I love petting my cat, but she doesn't like to be held. What should I do?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Squeeze her really tight, every chance you get. Just to get you to stop, she'll come running, let you 'get it over with' and run: Works with human females...

I have to take several pills a day, all at once, and some are so big I can't swallow them but the instructions specifically say 'do not crush'. What to do, what to do....

 

[lucypevensie]

Yeah, the instructions say "do not crush", that's fine. But do the instructions say "do not melt in a saucepan on your stove, add Dutch-processed cocoa and sugar, stir into a glass of ice cold milk, and dunk Oreos into it"? You could do that and it will not only be easier to take the meds, but it will be FUN to take them!

I work in a coffee shop and lots of times when someone is placing an order, they do not speak loudly or clearly enough, so I have to ask them to repeat. It gets old after a while. How will these people ever learn to just speak up the first time?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Tell them this joke and really get into it:

Adam and Eve and Pinchme went down to the river to swim; Adam and Eve drowned; who got saved?



'So, you'll have a latte, any kind is fine? Super!'




The yellow jackets went nuts this year, for days, after 'Maintenance' sprayed weed killer and it got in their nests. I got stung and it was a bit stressful.


Next year when Maintenance posts the note letting me know what time they'll be spraying, and for how long to stay indoors (two hours, this year's note read...), how can I get outside for a walk and errand running and such without getting stung again?

 

[Woman of Faith]

Buy a hazmat (hazardous material) suit. Don't worry that it'll be over a hundred degrees in there pretty soon. Have fun with it. While you're running errands, walk into a place, raise your arms and yell, "Everyone remain calm! Do NOT run!"

My neighbor likes to play really loud salsa music at all hours of the night. How do get them to lower the volume and still keep the peace between us?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Join them! Do the 'bump' with each person no matter what s/he is holding, whether or not they are on their feet, sitting down, walking away from you, and just keep on dancing:

Do the hustle; do the funky chicken; bring your own CDs of compilations you've made which include songs like Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, and I Don't Like Spiders and Snakes But That Ain't What It Takes To Love Me Like I Wanna Be Loved By Youuuuuuuu,

and grin, big, constantly... Smack women and men on the bum and say, 'Atta Boy' and 'Nice Score!'

They should pipe WAY down in a day or two...

***

The upstairs neighbor (we're in a duplex--suspend disbelief, come on) has cockroaches, and will not spray. She is the owner, and when I said I would pay for both flats to be exterminated, she said, 'Oh, I never know when I'll be home, and besides, they're just water bugs, don't be such a baby.'


How can I get her to see these cockroaches as undesirable?

 

[lucypevensie]

Start being VERY annoying. TP the trees outside, play Metallica very loud, leave garbage lying on the ground, make prank phonecalls to her house, let the air out of her tires, stuff like that... When she complains to you or accuses you of these shenanigans, just say "Oh, it's the cockroaches doing that stuff. But don't worry, they're just waterbugs, so stop being such a baby!" Bet she'll be on the phone with an exterminator posthaste.

I followed the recipe to the letter, followed mixing directions as well as baking directions to a T. I took the meatloaf out of the oven after 1 hour of baking, and guess what ... PINK in the middle! What did I do wrong???

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

You acted like a baby when it was your turn to cook, so it came out pink like your baby bottom, silly! So next time, be in a very mature mood and the middle will, of course, be gray as an old-lady's hair. :o

My older sister keeps bugging me for photos. I do not have a digital camera, this computer has a virus, and she lives far away (thankfully) so how can I get photos of myself onto her computer? She is driving me nuts!


~ Carolyn