Give "Bad" Advice (2)

[forest flower]

What? Your grandmother's alive?

Easy BBQ it, use the grill and just let it cook. (is it still fried when grilled on a BBQ?)

I get straight A's, how can I relax about my grades?

 

[lucypevensie]

Make yourself flunk one test in every subject. See? It didn't kill you. Now relax!

My dog caught and killed a rabbit yesterday and now I'm nervous about letting her play outside.

 

[jsimms615]

Buy 12 rabbits at the pet store and lock him in a small room with them. That will teach him.


I hate mowing my yard. What should I do?

 

[Woman of Faith]

Just let it go, the city ordinances aren't enforced and it's a myth about all the snakes and creepy crawlies coming to your yard. The neighbors won't say anything, either. They won't even notice and, if they do, it doesn't matter because they aren't paying your mortgage.

I have money coming out the wazoo, what do I do?

 

[lucypevensie]

Might as well bundle it up and use it in lieu of wood on your next campfire. Can't think of any other uses.

What can I do with 2 lbs of white yarn?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Toilet paper is getting expensive so use the white yarn instead to decorate a neighbor's tree--and you don't have to wait until Halloween, just consider it All Saint's Day.

My scalp itches, I've tried over-the-counter shampoos and prescription remedies, and of course massaging my scalp, nothing works,help!

 

[lucypevensie]

You just need to scratch it really good. If your fingernails are not providing the itch relief you need, get yourself a 6 inch square of rough sandpaper. Rub it on your head as if you are sanding a piece of wood. This will relieve the itch, but it will also remove loose flakes from your scalp, ridding you of the root cause of the itch.

We're supposed to go on a hike this weekend, but the forecast calls for heavy rain and cold temperatures. What to do, what to do...

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Chilblains: Cure them with cold, walk barefoot, hope it snows because that is best: bare feet and snow, lots of time walking around, feet get red, then go numb, and build up tolerance to chilblains which are more of a problem than most people realize, or can spell...

A neighbor keeps staring at my breasts, I don't wear revealing clothing and I cross my arms when I see this guy coming my way, looking down instead of into my eyes when I talk, how can I get across to this Neanderthal that I am a whole person?

 

[forest flower]

Hit him on the head with a club, that will likely knock sense into him, else you can always hit him harder.

What's the best way to multitask?

 

[lucypevensie]

Strap a 5 gallon bucket to your belt and fill it with all the supplies you'll need for the day. Be sure to include rubber bands and duct tape. You can strap a dusting cloth on the back of the hand that holds the pencil you need for writing your grocery list. Strap a dust mop on bottom of one shoe and a wet mop on bottom of the other shoe. On your backside tie a sponge with floor polisher. Get creative. You will.get lots of exercise with this method.

I am not dealing well with the passing of summer into fall, and I'm feeling kind of sad. What can I do that will lift my spirits?

 

[Banoodle]

Turn the heater up real high. That will still give you the idea of summer.

I can't get my car into gear, what should I do?

 

[jsimms615]

Gears are overrated. Slide the stick around as fast as possible until the horrible noises stop. That should do it.


I would like to get really rich so I don't have to work. What should I do?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Spend your very last dime, I mean every single cent, plus credit, sell all your belongings, go the whole hog:

Invest in The Lottery!

Whether you win or lose, you won't have to work, dude: No one will hire a bum, and a bum you'll seem with the dour expression on your face, unbathed body, rumpled clothing you've been living in since you lost it all. Easy street life from now on, count on it

I have wide feet and can't wear most women's shoes or afford special made, and men's, well, sometimes I would like to feel feminine in shoes, so any ideas?

 

[lucypevensie]

You can make your own and decorate them as pretty as you please. All you need to do is cut some soles out of cardboard and glue them to the bottoms of your favorite socks. You can make dozens of shoes for the cost of one pair of store bought ones.

The battery in my laptop seems to be on its last legs. Any way to coax more life out of it?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

Stick your tongue on it, lick it like a lollipop, the sparks, baby, the sparks will bring it back to life, like 'where there is smoke, there is fire'. It is exactly like that.

I have serious memory problems; by the time I get to the end of a sentence, I can't remember the beginning. How can I write a coherent paragraph?

 

[Woman of Faith]

Don't try! Just find whatever you want to say written in another book, article or whatever. Copy that and claim it as your own. Ignore all the haters who called that plagiarism or stealing. Problem solved! No memory needed, no thinking and no creativity required.

I need a new window pane, but don't want to go to the expense of hiring a repairman.

 

[jsimms615]

No problem. Buy some woodpeckers and set them free in your house. In no time they will make some windows for you in places you very thought of.


I have a really bad headache today. what should I do?

 

[forest flower]

Bang your head with a hammer, that should take the headache pain away.

What should I take for my week long camping trip?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

The same thing I husband once took (actually happened), just a tent and a block of cheese: You'll learn, very quickly, what is 'really' needed and take this wisdom back with you at the end of the week.

I don't have money for a trolley pass, no car, gotta get to the store... How can I slip passed the trolley cops?

 

[lucypevensie]

Crawl underneath the trolley and find something to hold on to. Ride underneath instead of on a boring old seat which anyone can do. Not only will you ride for free, but you will get to see how the exhaust system works!

My dog always wants to get up early in the morning and play. I am SO not a morning person! How should I deal with this?