Getting over someone - forgive or forget?

[Hesper]

Hello to you all, I just joined this community recently after turning back to Christ.. And I'm here to ask for advice, because there is a situation going on that kinda makes me confused about what to do.

For the past two years (during this time, I was not a Christian), I had serious feelings for a guy who lived far away. Yes, it was one of those long-distance things, but that's beside the point of this post. We considered each other close friends after awhile, and started talking more on mics & cam, played online games together, confided in each other when we were having difficulties irl.

Anyway, he had a really hard time making up his mind about what he wanted - it was always missing his ex, then feelings for me, then liking this other girl, then crushing on someone in real life, then back to me, then someone else...over and over and over. It was very hard on me, because since he considered me a good friend, he always told me this stuff about who he liked/missed, and my heart would ache like crazy. And he knew I had feelings for him. Looking back, it seemed like it didn't matter to him.

We had made a deal to just stay friends, and not get into a relationship until we could meet (which is understandable). He also promised that if he met someone, he wouldn't tell me, so that I wouldn't get sad. But for the past couple months, things looked quite different. He didn't crush on anyone else, got over his ex, and always liked to spend time talking with me. He became more flirty, more interested, etc.. And we talked about meeting eventually and what it would be like.

Eventually though, it just suddenly stopped. He started having this "I don't really care" kind of attitude, would sometimes send pictures of Asian women that he thought were cute, and sometimes wouldn't listen whenever I had something to say on our mic conversations. My guess is that he met a girl irl and dumped me for it. We just had a conversation earlier tonight, and he said he wanted to spend more time with his rl friends (on online games like Warcraft, it wasn't like he was sick of computers or anything), and said things along the lines of "You will make new friends" and "I'll still talk to you on msn sometimes".. I got the impression he didn't want to talk much with me anymore, and wanted to avoid me a bit. And worst of all, it became apparent that he really didn't care what happened to me, since he was still having fun with his buddies.

I know I must get over this guy, and I'm praying for God to help me get through it, since I did have strong feelings for this person for so long.. But the question is this - what to do now? Should I leave him alone for awhile? Ignore him forever? I don't like talking to him anymore, it completely ruins my mood and depresses me, but should I stick around and forgive him?

Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out because it's been bottled inside for awhile. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

EDIT - Guess I should add that I know that you must forgive others to be forgiven for your sins...however, I really don't want to communicate with this person anymore, due to the horrible feelings it produces. Can I forgive him in my heart, and still leave him alone?

 

[dancingwithhim]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

You can forgive him in your heart and leave him alone. You know your boundaries and what you can deal wtih. You need that time to heal. If he sends you a message a week from now saying how sorry he is and how that he wants to make another go of it or whatever, then, you might just want to tell him that you aren't interested and leave it at that. I wouldn't be rude, but I would just let him know where you stand, so he knows. (If you feel like doing that) I have had a few friends that I have never been friends with again, but have forgiven them and the door is open to be friends, but we have just never talked again. That is okay with me. Sometimes God shuts doors and opens new ones, better ones, for us. Sometimes, friendships are just for a season.

 

[Hesper]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

You can forgive him in your heart and leave him alone. You know your boundaries and what you can deal wtih. You need that time to heal. If he sends you a message a week from now saying how sorry he is and how that he wants to make another go of it or whatever, then, you might just want to tell him that you aren't interested and leave it at that. I wouldn't be rude, but I would just let him know where you stand, so he knows. (If you feel like doing that) I have had a few friends that I have never been friends with again, but have forgiven them and the door is open to be friends, but we have just never talked again. That is okay with me. Sometimes God shuts doors and opens new ones, better ones, for us. Sometimes, friendships are just for a season.

Thank you for the advice, and I have to agree with you on the last part.. I suppose I should take this as a lesson that I should be putting my trust into God for relationships and friendships. Again, thanks for your help.

 

[ephraimanesti]

Can I forgive him in my heart, and still leave him alone?

OF COURSE!
​

ephraim

 

[micbmac]

Just forgive and forget. He's not worth your time and energy. This is just my opinion, but you seem like a really nice person and deserve better. You need someone to love you and you alone w/all his heart and soul. God bless you sweetie.

 

[TheGuide]

If you can relocate somewhere, do it. Pray and ask God to guide you to a place you can escape for a few years. Everything around you reminds you of this guy and to remain there puts you in danger of letting him in to stump on your heart one more time... and one more time after that.

When your heart is out there, nobody can tell you to forget about him and move on with your life. That's something you have to MAKE happen, because your feelings will give you no peace. Time is your best remedy, and you need to be in a place for enough of it to pass to get over him.

Now, something very important I want you to note. He is still connected to you, which is why he continues to talk to you, but he doesn't want to be connected, so he resorts to hurting your feelings by doing all that he can to show you that he really doesn't want you. Yet, for whatever reason, the connection is still there. Usually, this connection is ego and habit. He knows you adore him and his ego feeds on it, yet he don't like it. So he parades pictures of pretty Asian women in your face to show you that you don't measure up to his current standard. Also, have you considered the possibility that he may be gay? Men on the "down low" hide behind "hangin' out with my buddies." I'm not saying he is, but you love this guy very much and he's pulling away to hang out with his buds. If you let him come around again, you really want to watch and listen very closely...

From here on out you want to ignore nothing with regards to this man, especially the fact that he shows no care for your feelings. You also should investigate why you want him when he continues to hurt you so deeply. Obviously you're as co-dependent as he is, like a bad habit. Not being mean at all, it's just an observation based on what you wrote.

God bless you,

The Guide

 

[jive4005]

Forgive certainly (if it was easy to do, it wouldn't build you up spiritually)... then move on, striving for maturity in Christ Jesus.
That'll get you to the peace and victory you seek. Yup!


His,
Rev J

ps: all young people need to read up on YOLKING!!!!!!

 

[Elijah2]

Choices and decisions are made by only one person---YOU!

Commandments are given to us to obey.

Forgive him my dear sister, and remember no more, love him as Jesus loves you, and keep right away from him, because I discern nothing but heartache and disappointments.

Kick up your heels and let the dust settle.

Let it all go, and hand it all over to our Lord Jesus Christ.

Be free, in Jesus' Name.

 

[heron]

When your heart is out there, nobody can tell you to forget about him and move on with your life. That's something you have to MAKE happen, because your feelings will give you no peace. Time is your best remedy, and you need to be in a place for enough of it to pass to get over him.

Now, something very important I want you to note. He is still connected to you, which is why he continues to talk to you, but he doesn't want to be connected, so he resorts to hurting your feelings by doing all that he can to show you that he really doesn't want you. Yet, for whatever reason, the connection is still there. Usually, this connection is ego and habit. He knows you adore him and his ego feeds on it, yet he don't like it.

I agree.
Something to remember, is that women tend to be more relational than men. He might not be in love with someone else at all, but wanting a break from feeling that connected.

You mentioned gaming -- I'm not going to go into a tirade about the evils of certain games, but I have watched some people set aside their futures for the sake of the Game.

There was a couple who lost custody of their kids and were charged for negligence, over these addictive games.

It's not just a simple escape and an exploration of another world, a great challenge and mind-bender, skill-builder. When we place our selves into a situation, we try to meet challenges. If the situation we place ourselves into is not real, we will still try to meet them.

If the rewards come often, then we get a boost of endorphins along with the adrenaline. People don't just get addicted to a game, but to the feeligns they get from internal toxins being released, along with some zone-out brain wave states.

His annoyed behavior is similar to what people do when they are beginning an addiction -- they snap at anyone whom they suspect will try to pull them away from it.

It's like trying to pet a dog with a piece of meat. The dog is not thinking about the pat on the head -- they are thinking (unrealistically) about what you might want to do to deprive them.

 

[heron]

In any case, whatever he is doing with his life, your friendship was very valuable to you, and I suspect it was to him.

It's painful to lose such a good thing.

 

[Hesper]

Wow, so many insightful responses! After some more thinking, praying, and reading your responses, I think I might've come to an answer.

Y'see, well, my chief worry that caused confusion was this: would 'forgetting' be Christlike? Example - We have all sinned against God, and asked for forgiveness. God does forgive us, but he doesn't leave us a note saying "Well, I forgive you, but I need to leave you alone for # of months to get over it" His love is immediate, despite the awful things we did.

It also brings some Bible verses to mind, for example Luke6:27-36, where we are told to love our enemies...especially this (Living Water/New Living translation, btw) "Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you? Even the sinners do that! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much!" and "Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate" Heck, perhaps even Matthew 18:21-35 could be related to this.

While in the past I stayed close with this person because of my feelings, this time I feel like I shouldn't distance myself from this person because it feels very unChrist-like. Of course it will be hard at first, but even though I'm a new Christian, God has stayed close to me and assisted me in tough times. He will help.

If you think there's some misinterpreting here, please let me know.

With all of that said, just want to tell you that I really am thankful for all the posts, warm welcomes, and love shown here.