Friendship with opposing views - finding common ground

[sampa]

Do any of you have friendships that are of opposing views? Can be politics, faith, beliefs and such. I have found these friendships to be rewarding, as it gives me a chance to grow and think outside myself.

Unfortunately today a friend that I value from college, she hit an emotional topic for herself, politics. A topic that I usually avoid but I'm willing to listen to viewpoints. And it only came up because of the topic of covid-19 affecting my workplace. Unfortunately the pandemic has been tied in so closely to politics. As for the friendship, it's sad after this many years of knowing each other, that our friendship could possibly dissolve. Fortunately she has decided to wait for our phone conversation after the election.

Have any of you experienced this? A friendship that you have always had opposing views that were willing to listen to each other? One that stretches you but also gets you out of your comfort zone? If possible, I'd rather everyone that post here remain neutral in their political beliefs and just sticking to the topic of opposing views. So as to keep division from happening here.

 

[bèlla]

Hey sampa,

cara and I have different perspectives on many issues. Including politics. The glue that binds us isn't common bonds. We're yoked by love and that's the aspect we emphasize in our interactions. Allowing our differences to set aside the truth is errant.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[sampa]

My best friend is here and I'll tag @cara-mia on my reply so she can chime in.

That's great that you have a best friend here in the forum. And that even with opposing views you both see value in that friendship. Thanks for including her.

The glue that binds us isn't common bonds. We're yoked by love and that's the aspect we emphasize in our interactions. We celebrate our love as an expression of appreciation and gratitude to God for our union.

So glad that your love is strong like that. and also sounds like you both are believers. My friend is not. Just cultural catholic. She is married to someone from a Hindu background, so their wedding was both Catholic and Hindu. I've been able to share my faith and Truth when the doors have opened. Other than that I've always felt we've had a strong connection and care for one another. She's surrounded by a superficial academia environment and I think she sees our friendship as real and genuine.

Good stewardship requires wisdom, humility. and a little denial.

I agree.

Is it worth destroying a long-term connection? I don't believe so. We've done it in the past to our detriment. Only to realize the mistake later on

I agree I miss also. I'm hoping that stepping back she will also see that it's not worth ending. I think that's why she decided to postpone her phone conversation till after the elections. But if her party doesn't win, because I think she thinks they will, I'm not sure what kinds of decisions she will make after towards me.

I will never find another cara. Many have tried to be her.

I agree and over the years I have thanked this person for their friendship and how much I value it. I've never taken this friendship for granted.
Thanks for your thoughts Bella

 

[bèlla]

That's great that you have a best friend here in the forum. And that even with opposing views you both see value in that friendship. Thanks for including her.

You're welcome.

I agree I miss also. I'm hoping that stepping back she will also see that it's not worth ending. I think that's why she decided to postpone her phone conversation till after the elections. But if her party doesn't win, because I think she thinks they will, I'm not sure what kinds of decisions she will make after towards me.

Keep loving her, praying, and be brutally honest. I don't want to lose you. Sometimes the gravity of truth can shake us from our foolishness.

I agree and over the years I have thanked this person for their friendship and how much I value it. I've never taken this friendship for granted.
Thanks for your thoughts Bella

You're welcome. I think you have your answer. Good luck. I'll pray for you both.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Sketcher]

I'm further to the right than many of my friends. My closest friends and I have talked about it, and we do differ, but that doesn't nullify the bonds that we've built over other things. One of them I might add, is a very obstinate person.

One of them notably turned to the left in these last few years. We even had an argument, but we were able to keep it civil. What I think was key was:
1) I knew my subject matter. It was actually a bit in my wheelhouse.
2) I was able to acknowledge the bad things that he was seeing.
3) I made it a point to be polite, and convey that we really are on the same side with the matter.

I think it went well, we've had good interactions since.

Now, there's another friend. He's got more problems than this friend, and also turned hard left. I think he turned harder left, actually. But he also has maturity issues, anxiety issues, a lack of critical thinking skills, and a general sense of hopelessness. And he filters all of that through politics. He is unable to discern disagreement from personal attacks, and couldn't refrain from going on the attack himself, constantly. I've disagreed with him, but kept an open hand towards him. Since he dropped off of Facebook (which for him, really is for the better with what it has become) I really don't know where I stand with him anymore.

 

[sampa]

What I think was key was:
1) I knew my subject matter. It was actually a bit in my wheelhouse.
2) I was able to acknowledge the bad things that he was seeing.
3) I made it a point to be polite, and convey that we really are on the same side with the matter.

Thank you Sketcher! Some useful points. And my friend will probably be looking for answers, but until the emotions can be set aside, we can't have a discussion about it. At least the way that I see it. I'm glad that you're like me and you have a lot of friends with opposing viewpoints. I think those friendships are very valuable for development.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

I have one friend that I've been arguing with for years. We debate on all manner of topics, but it rarely gets very heated, and I'm sure he plays devil's advocate sometimes, so I don't always take him very seriously.

My view is that different people think different things are important, they have different lived experiences, and so they look at the same data or facts, and may legitimately come to a totally different conclusion from someone else. If you can accept that happens, and that each person has a valid point of view, then it's possible to disagree without losing respect for or thinking less of a person.

Sadly, what I think has been happening more and more in recent years, is that a person or entire bloc of voters is condemned as less than human because they oppose or don't totally agree. To put it another way, the debate has become extremely polarised, you either totally agree, and are considered an ally, or if you oppose or disagree, even if only a tiny bit, you're considered sub-human. Social media probably makes this worse, because it tends to create echo chambers of people who all think alike, so sometimes people get a bit of a fright and become very emotive when they encounter people in real life who think differently.

And you have to be a bit careful when debating COVID, because many people have relatives and friends who are vulnerable due to age, or some other medical reason, and when someone you know dies or becomes hospitalised, the debate shifts from being about high-level statistics and averages, and suddenly becomes extremely personal.

 

[sampa]

To put it another way, the debate has become extremely polarised, you either totally agree, and are considered an ally,

You're exactly right. I think that's what's happened. Just because I'm associated with the side, doesn't mean that I agree with everything.

And you have to be a bit careful when debating COVID,

yes I agree. I have been very careful. I just had a situation that affected me and my workplace and I am vigilant about protective measures while some others I've worked with haven't. Even tho they say you should. And now someone I work closely with has been affected by it. And it also affects my work next week and who I can work with because of going into quarantine. So that's the gist of the conversation but the friend took it to another level to blame it on people who follow politics.

 

[Sketcher]

Thank you Sketcher! Some useful points. And my friend will probably be looking for answers, but until the emotions can be set aside, we can't have a discussion about it. At least the way that I see it. I'm glad that you're like me and you have a lot of friends with opposing viewpoints. I think those friendships are very valuable for development.

Subtly talking people down is a valuable skill to have, and I was able to pull it off in this situation. Cable news and talk radio titillate and escalate, it's a bad idea to copy that when talking with friends and family.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I had a Hindu girlfriend for over two years - which was fine until the atmospheric refraction of my rising faith began to shine its light. By the time the sun had fully risen, the relationship was dead in the water (well, that and her family wanted my blood just for being a white man.)

When my faith hit, it HIT harder than a torpedo - which caused ripples across all waters, including my family.

Dad - Atheist.
Mother - Wiccan
Sister - Buddhist (if anything)
Cousins - self worship.

So, I'm behind the eight ball on pretty much all counts. I've learned to just live and let live. My opinion ISN'T the most important thing in the world. That said, I've often considered joining a monastery or hanging out with Catholics more. I'm currently not tied to a denomination but if I were, I'd lean that way.

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[High Fidelity]

I'm pretty easy going about most things, but I find myself distancing from people that are overtly political or into 'social justice' amongst other things to the point it's all they talk about and it's basically something they've latched on to for a sense of identity or whatever it is.

As far as politics go, there's seldom any constructive discussion and most people actively discussing it here are usually skewed quite far one way or the other, so it never ends well. I have my opinions, I vote in my own interest (as do most people if they're honest with themselves) and I don't really care who you vote for, just don't shove it in my face and force conversations or politicise everything. Most people don't care enough to talk about it, much less debate it or let it get heated, so I tend to get on well with people that just don't bring it up.

If it reaches the point where equanimity goes out the window repeatedly around particular subjects then I just walk away. Life's too short to be around people like that and nothing you say will resonate, they'll only end up further entrenched in their beliefs, demonise and insult you for thinking differently and you've wasted your time and energy on someone deserving neither.

Time is the most valuable commodity, spend it wisely.

 

[bekkilyn]

I grew up in a family of political conservatives and have disagreed with their politics practically since birth. I've been dog-piled numerous times, ranted at to the point I can't get a word in edgewise unless I'm practically yelling over them, been laughed at over my concern for the environment. I'm the youngest of my siblings and cousins by 10+ years and so I'm of a different generation, and have always had to prove my case about everything in any sort of discussion, if one could call it a discussion because the "discuss" parts ends up lasting two minutes at most.

With that said, I love my family and I know that I can trust them. However, from my years of experience with them, I have found it best to avoid certain topics. I can't say that I'm close to them to the extent that I feel safe sharing personal thoughts and feelings with them. While I am fine with them as family and we really do all largely get along and have fun when we are together, I highly doubt that I would be happy in a marriage-type relationship with anyone of that mindset. I wouldn't want to have to tip-toe around on eggshells in what is supposed to be a deep, serious relationship. I'd want to be able to share my mind without getting laughed at, mocked, shouted down, and feeling like I can only be half of myself around them.

In a lot of ways, I think this is what the apostle Paul was getting at when talking about being unequally yolked. While he was being more specific when it comes to believers vs. unbelievers, I think the context can be much broader than that, and it would be important to have a partner that one is compatible with on many deep levels.

But if we're just talking about a platonic friendship where we have a number of interests in common and like to just have fun together, I don't see any political differences as being very important.

So I'd say it really depends on the type of relationship or friendship you are seeking.

 

[sampa]

Thank you everyone that has weighed in here with your responses and I encourage more conversation. I think this is a good and healthy to have different opinions.

I will be taking a break the next couple weeks from here while I do a Daniel fast. I hope to return and maybe address some of the thoughts here.

On a good note, the friend I mentioned that I won't be talking to till after the elections, has been liking some of my post on social media. She's not much of a social media person, so it's kind of special if she likes something. I'm taking a break for 45 days from social media, it was a decision I made a couple months ago when I decided for this fast. Ironically a few days ago I just realized that it is ahead of the elections. If history repeats itself, it will be most appropriate to take a break. 4 years ago social media was quite traumatic that a lot of friendships were broken off and some just left Facebook forever. The last time I took an extended break of more than 40 days from social media, the pandemic hit right after. I was fortunate to miss out I know the misinformation and friends that I heard getting emotional.

I pray for all of you and God's blessings, those that might be affected by the elections, and that the Lord keep you all both physically and mentally healthy. Blessings

 

[Noxot]

We have to become part of various unconscious things that are simplified because it takes a lot of resources and effort to speak about the complex reality that we exist in. Our flesh is largely designed around survival and the propagation of the species, our self that is the thinking part is largely subservient to more primitive fleshly systems. the amount of luxury and safety we have in our modern world is somewhat a strange and alien thing.

We have discussions about things that can get heated but in the past these things that make us heated might be very closely related to whether we live or die. I thought I could solve this problem by just having pet dogs as my friends but even they go crazy and start barking at the neighbor dog.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

I have quite a few acquaintances that don't know God. For those, the common thread we have in common is that we're all made in the image of God and it usually stays to a help/witness type situation with them. For those that are within the family of God and have different doctrinal stances than I do, I just chalk it up to something the old time Moravians said: In essentials - Unity, non-essentials - freedom, and al things - love.