finances

[anonymoussingleguy]

I've been dating a girl about a year and she is great. More than likely getting engaged soon. Here is my situation i wanted advice on. She is a nurse, as am I, and she's been staying with her parents for just a little while. She is doing very well with her finances and is very nearly debt free (student loans and such). We both do our best to live within our means. What concerns me is her family constantly relies on her as their bank account. A brother had a situation where he had gotten behind on the house payments and was going to lose the house and she was basically require to pay it which they have no intention on paying back, she's had to give the other brother money, and the parent's have a really hard time budgeting their money and frequently have trouble making their bills without her. It is frustrating to her because she doesn't feel like she can't get ahead without the family dipping into her bank account in a manner of speaking. She's said that it seems like every time she saves up some money one of her family members will make a bad financial decision and if she doesn't fix it then she is the bad guy. She has tried sitting the parents down and working on a budget but usually just ending up with the dad getting mad and the mother acting like she doesn't get it. My concern is that if we do get married we'll end up having to finance them on a continual basis. I am not uncaring and have no problem helping people out. However I fear it will be a constant thing and with all the expenses we will have as a married couple i don't know if it is fair for us to eventually have to carry her family as well. She has said that if we were married she wouldn't give them money without talking to me first, but I told her I couldn't tell you you can't help your own family if they need it. i just don't know what to do.

 

[Dave-W]

First off - Welcome to the Forums!

I've been dating a girl about a year and she is great. More than likely getting engaged soon.

Congrats!

What concerns me is her family constantly relies on her as their bank account. A brother had a situation where he had gotten behind on the house payments and was going to lose the house and she was basically require to pay it which they have no intention on paying back, she's had to give the other brother money, and the parent's have a really hard time budgeting their money and frequently have trouble making their bills without her.

Yeah - she needs to make the hard decision to cut them off. She is not their meal ticket.

Pray and pray hard. Are her parents christians?

 

[dayhiker]

welcome to CF.

be sure and have a talk with her about where her priorities will be when you get engaged and married. With her new family or with her old one where it comes to money.
If she is going to continue helping her family financially, set up different accounts. Say one that you and her both put money into that is only for your family. A second one that she can put some money into each paycheck, say 5%? of take home, that is only for your family and can't be used for outside use. From your account pay your bills, retirement and vacations. From her account to help people, she can give to the poor or help her family, that account and no more.

 

[Dave-W]

If she is going to continue helping her family financially, set up different accounts.... A second one that she can put some money into each paycheck, say 5%? of take home,... From her account to help people, she can give to the poor or help her family, that account and no more.

That sounds reasonable. You both can then explain to her family that you are doing this. But I would not tell them how much you are putting into that account, or tell them a figure that is less. (a LOT less) Otherwise they will keep that other account zeroed out constantly.

 

[Kenny'sID]

Yeah, that could work but I'm thinking anything that says what the parents are doing is ok may not be a good idea.

Your Fiance is not the bad guy, they are. I want to say just put your foot down, and if worse comes to worse and you just have to help them then do so, otherwise get the message to them that they re going to have to take some responsibility here for their lives now as you have your own to live.

Or I could be wrong, this is a tough situation, and hope you can at the very least get the message across and slowly let them see you are serious and maybe, after a time it will at least get better.

 

[dayhiker]

I agree there is a sense that she is enabling their irresponsible behavior by fixing it it every time they spend too much.
SO my suggestion was if the lady and family obligations meant she couldn't stop giving.

So many can't stop 100% .. so this would be a way to set a limit on how much one helped.
If that limit is ignored then I'd not follow thru with marriage.

 

[anonymoussingleguy]

Thank you for the responses. I like the idea of putting a certain % into an account to be used for that sort of thing. I had considered thinking about giving them a certain amount of money every month for a certain amount of time and saying that they need to get things figured out by then. Again my concern would be if they want us to make some big payment or they lose the house or something else happens. We'd be awfully unpopular with the relatives for quite sometime. At this point we get along very well and I would hate to risk that. We'll keep praying about it. I'll talk it over more with her. Maybe we can sit them down together and talk some budgeting. Again appreciate all the advice

 

[dayhiker]

I agree that it would be good to talk with the other members of her family.

Do they think their daughter should be paying their way? Why?
Why aren't they managing their money so they don't get in these problems?

Budgeting as you mentions is a good topic to over.

How much value do they have in their house? If you guys put in a lot of money, how about a lean on the house so if they sell it you get the money back.

 

[anonymoussingleguy]

A lean is something that I had not considered. Although that would not go over well with the family I'm sure and only would be used if in fact we had to give a large amount. I'm not exactly sure what the father does. I believe he works at some kind of factory. Her mother has does mostly CNA work and had lost some hours a little while back. Her daughter (my girlfriend) made her find a second job to make up for it and basically had to fill out all of her applications. The mother to this day is still angry with her for having to get the second job. My girlfriend just says that's tough I can't continue to pay to make up for your not working as many hours. I don't know why the don't try to not depend on her. Just going to have to be clear want is going to happen with them I guess.

 

[dayhiker]

yes, a lean would be for a big loan. Good to hear your GF made her mom get a second job. I like that.
It feels like you, your GF might be in a different culture than I am.

 

[anonymoussingleguy]

yes, a lean would be for a big loan. Good to hear your GF made her mom get a second job. I like that.
It feels like you, your GF might be in a different culture than I am.

I wouldn't have thought so but I don't know any other parents wanting to use funds from their kids either. I do think it'll all work out. She is extremely intelligent and we have so many common interests. She is about the best cook that I know. Always doing stuff to make me happy and so many other things. I don't think I could do any better. Until I met her I had no intention of dating or marriage. Funny how things change.

 

[KW3]

I have two good friends who are in this situation. I have known them each over 10 years and nothing has changed with their families, and there is zero indication that it ever will. It is too ingrained in the family behaviors. In one of their cases, she is the financial provider, but it is her husband's family who is the takers. I have a third friend who comes from a similar extended-family structure (all three are different cultures from each other, btw). But in that third case, all three kids ended up being successful with their careers so there is no need to support each other. They do, however, support their parents and will for life - which is completely understandable as the parents gave up high paying careers to become immigrants and take minimum-wage jobs here with virtually no chance of moving up, in order that their kids would have a chance at a better and more stable life. And I have a fourth acquaintance from a fourth culture, who is still younger and not yet in a relationship, but it is very clear that she is already in this same situation.

The separate account is a brilliant idea, although I don't know if I would tell them about it or not. I would try to get this stopped before marriage, but my guess is that even if she manages to do that, it will start again.

On the bright side, if she is like my friends, your fiancé is hard-working, dependable, giving, self-sacricing, and has many other attributes that would make her a wonderful wife and mother. Obviously I can't figure out your future, but all three of the people I mentioned are in stable, loving marriages, and I suspect it has a lot to do with qualities like this that made them targets for their families, but also make them great spouses.

Going in to marriage with her, you would have to accept that you are never going to be wealthy (family will make sure to take your excess, and then some) and one or both of you is going to work more than full-time in order to support family who is too lazy to keep their own jobs and/or believes they deserve more than they have worked for. Your actual experience may be better than that, but if you go in expecting for better, then you are going to create extra stress amongst the two of you in the more-likely event that things don't change.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

I've been dating a girl about a year and she is great. More than likely getting engaged soon. Here is my situation i wanted advice on. She is a nurse, as am I, and she's been staying with her parents for just a little while. She is doing very well with her finances and is very nearly debt free (student loans and such). We both do our best to live within our means. What concerns me is her family constantly relies on her as their bank account. A brother had a situation where he had gotten behind on the house payments and was going to lose the house and she was basically require to pay it which they have no intention on paying back, she's had to give the other brother money, and the parent's have a really hard time budgeting their money and frequently have trouble making their bills without her. It is frustrating to her because she doesn't feel like she can't get ahead without the family dipping into her bank account in a manner of speaking. She's said that it seems like every time she saves up some money one of her family members will make a bad financial decision and if she doesn't fix it then she is the bad guy. She has tried sitting the parents down and working on a budget but usually just ending up with the dad getting mad and the mother acting like she doesn't get it. My concern is that if we do get married we'll end up having to finance them on a continual basis. I am not uncaring and have no problem helping people out. However I fear it will be a constant thing and with all the expenses we will have as a married couple i don't know if it is fair for us to eventually have to carry her family as well. She has said that if we were married she wouldn't give them money without talking to me first, but I told her I couldn't tell you you can't help your own family if they need it. i just don't know what to do.

I come from a family that is like this. It sucks sometimes. It's really hard to learn how to handle money right, and once you do figure it out it's really hard to say no when there's a perceived need. Two things I would suggest to her, were her a friend of mine asking for advice. First, move out. While you're living in your parents' house it's easy to fall into familiar roles and dysfunction. It's also easy for parents to have a difficult time recognizing their child as an adult and respecting their adult child's choices when they're living in the same home. So moving out will help a lot, even if it's a higher expense, I believe it is worth it for the autonomy. Second, I would suggest that she gives her parents the gift of Financial Peace University classes or the course material for home use by Dave Ramsey. That class actually saved my family financially. My parents went through multiple bankruptcies and eventually lost their home and had to move in with extended family. They didn't really work together on finances for 20 years, and they used debt to get buy until it buried them. After taking that class, they realized where they were really at and how they got there. They committed to working together on budgeting and getting debt free. It's been a while since then, and now they're doing much better financially and are in a position to help their kids more than ask for help from their kids. It's a good place to be.

That being said, I do think that families should support one another in healthy ways. Sometimes people do need financial help and it's important to have faith and a generous spirit and help when it's needed. But no one should take unfair advantage either, and it's important in any healthy relationship to have boundaries, including with our parents and siblings.

I really hope this helps and that things work out for the best.

 

[ex-pat]

Only going to say this once: Have your girlfriend check her credit at least quarterly, because parents have access to social security cards and all the personal info to take out credit in her name without her knowledge.

As for your (potential) blended finances, try to live on only your salary, while banking hers (in a joint account). Eventually you may have children and want a SAHM, or to homeschool, or similar. If you are already living on only your own income, then you'll be well prepared for this.

And if you become engaged, a good way to wean off the in-laws is "We need every extra dollar for (the wedding, a house, the reception, furniture, the honeymoon...)" After about a year of this they may get used to fending for themselves.

Never co-sign anything for them, ever, as it will destroy your credit. Any amounts over $5,000, treat as a mortgage, have an attorney draw up papers and have them notarized and place a lien on the property. Tell them it will be a silent second mortgage and you won't charge interest or require it back or until they sell the property. When things break that they need replacing, steer them to charitable organizations that will help (places do free car repairs for low-income people, agencies can pay back rent or mortgage, food pantries, cities often do maintenance grants for roofs, energy grants often pay for new furnaces, etc.) If they protest that they do not need charity, their income is high enough, then steer them to an emergency credit card or help them start an emergency fund. In fact, if you can afford it, GIVE them an emergency fund of say $2,000 and put it in one of their names, and hers, and require two signatures for withdrawals, and no debit access for them. Do this as a gift (anniversary or Christmas) and make it clear that it ain't bein' withdrawn if the need is not urgent and genuine and other avenues have not been fully explored.

Anything else is enabling.