Fidelity

[Forhislove]

My husband attempted to molest my daughter. Is our marriage bed defiled. Will I go to hell if I stay in the marriage. I have struggled with this for years. We are still married and my daughter doesn't forgive me for staying with him. Was I wrong? HELP!

 

[LuxPerpetua]

Is your family in Christian counseling?

 

[Tangnefedd]

You were wrong to stay with this man, in my opinion. I can understand how your daughter feels, poor girl. Any man that sexually abuses a child is a paedophile and should be reported to the authorities, if that hasn't happened already. Other young children could be in danger from this man.

 

[HeatherJay]

I think your daughter is justified in her feelings, especially if your husband was not reported to authorities. It's different if he was reported and has, at the very least, recieved counseling, but if the situation was ignored and smoothed over, then that's an injustice to your daughter and other children that this man comes in contact with.

You will not go to hell for staying in the marriage, of course not. It's commendable that you're able to stand by your husband through such a difficult time, but it's not good for anyone...your daughter, you, society...if you let this man go unpunished for his criminal behavior. True love and commitment is NOT turning a blind eye to your husbands sins...it's helping him to overcome his problems and getting him the help he needs.

And realize that, for your daughter, there may be no reconciling this situation with your husband (her father? stepfather?). And unless you have some family counseling, there may be no reconciling with you.

I said a prayer for your daughter and for your family.

Love, Heather

 

[IslandBreeze]

Is your family in Christian counseling?

Are you kidding me? COUNSELING? He molested his own daughter, and you're suggesting family counseling? Give me a break! There's no "family" after an incident like that as far as I'm concerned.

To the OP: you are guilty of child abuse if you are still with this man who molested your daughter. If you haven't left him by now, IMO, you should be in jail with him.

On the other hand, you are definitely NOT going to jail for divorcing this man. God would not want your innocent baby to be abused and tormented, and He wouldn't want you to be with such a perverted, deraged man. God loves you and wants the best for you, and the best for you is to leave ASAP.

 

[HeatherJay]

I see an awful lot of judging going on here...maybe I'm even a bit guilty of it myself. Forhislove is not guilty of her husband's sin. And she seems to be doing the best she knows how to do as a Christian woman.

Forhislove, forgive me if it seemed I was judging you. It's such a sensitive issue (especially for those of us who have little girls) and you're very brave for being so open about it. I'm sure this whole situation breaks your heart, and I'm sorry I can't offer you any more advice than what I gave in the other post. Truly, I am praying for you...for you, because you seem to be trying so hard to do the right thing Biblically.

Love, Heather

 

[jenptcfan]

Of course you won't go to hell for staying in your marriage, but you wouldn't have gone to hell for protecting your child and getting out of it either. How old is your daughter now? Is she still a juvenile and in your care? This is a really unfortunate situation.

I hope that your husband has received help. Your daughter probably feels betrayed by you for not protecting her. Hopefully God will work in her heart and help her to forgive you...but it won't be easy.

I just said a prayer for your family.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I would do everything in my power to get the girl out of the house and a restraining order against the father.
You've no idea the emotional and mental destruction that this has on a kid.
This is awful.

 

[mina]

Why did you stay with him?? I think the real issue is protecting your daughter. This really makes me sick. I hope she is safe now. And I can not fathom why you would stay with such a man that did that to a child of yours. I'm sorry if this sounds judgemental or whatever, but honestly no child should have to suffer through something like this. You are the adult in her life. She is a gift. I doubt God wanted that gift mis used in such a way. A man that does this need immediate help. I just hope that this was reported when it happened. If you sat by and did nothing to report this to athorities, then I would say that you are guilty of child abuse and neglect.

 

[Snowhite]

Forhislove, by staying in this marriage you have palced your child in danger, and showed her that her pain is not important, and her protection is not your priority. I understand the incredible prejudice in the church today against those who value their children's sucurity over their marriage to a jerk, but you have to chose your priorities here. I would try and rectify things, then beg her forgivness before it's too late.

 

[led]

Ok, lets lay out your priorities. Your first priority is your daughter. You are her covering. He protection is your number one concern, or, it should be. The bible gives priority to the children. Here is what the bible says in Matthew 18

5 "Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. 6 " But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

and later it says..

10 " Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.

Read that and understand. You do not, do not want to stumble your daughter. You do not want her to have hatred, anger, pain, guilt, shame, perversion or any other hinderance because of your actions (or, in this case, lack of action). And, failure to protect her is being a bad steward.

I don't want to judge your actions. But, it must be said that covering this up was the wrong choice. We can't do anything about it now cause that is all in the past. What matters is what you are going to do today.

Are you going to protect what God has trusted you with? You have no excuse not to because you know of your husbands attack on her. And yes, that was an attack on her. And, it can destroy her.

Basically, your daughter needs you right now. Please, please be there for her. Your husband, well, to be blunt, you should report him. I know it will be a high price to pay. You may have to move out of your comfort zone but if you have any faith in God, you need to know that God will take care of you if you do the right thing.

And, not doing anything, is doing the wrong thing. May the Lord give you the strength through this.

led

 

[Jenna]

My husband attempted to molest my daughter. Is our marriage bed defiled.

Yes, your marriage bed is defiled. Your husband has committed adultery in a most disgusting way by molesting your daughter. Attempting is as good as doing when it comes to children, as the lust was already in his heart, and she will most likely never be the same as she was previously.


Will I go to hell if I stay in the marriage.
Will you live in hell if you stay? You are permitted to leave your relationship on biblical grounds. Could you live with yourself if you kept your child in a situation that was dangerous and damaging? Would you still stay in your marriage and choose your adulterous husband over your daughter whom you are charged to care and raise up in the Lord?


I have struggled with this for years. We are still married and my daughter doesn't forgive me for staying with him. Was I wrong?

I would say that you were very wrong for choosing to stay with your husband and letting your child down when she needed your protection the most. I don't know that if I were your daughter that I would feel any different. You were obviously not repentant enough to change the situation, so I can understand how she would have a hard time forgiving. The first step to being able to be forgiven is to admit your fault, which you don't seem ready to do or else you wouldn't have asked anyone else if you were wrong. If it has been years since the molestation occured, I would say that you aren't responsible for your husband's sins, but that you are racking up enough of your own. You aren't responsible for what he did, however, I'd say that you are responsible for leaving her in a harmful situation that is damaging to nearly ever relationship that she might have from now on. Shoot, it might even be hard for her to trust that God is going to look out for her, given that her God-given guardian abused her and the one person that she really had there to defend her failed in that respect. I pray with all of my heart that this never turns out to be something that could lead her away from putting her faith in God.


I know that what I said probably sound harsh, but it isn't a small issue we are talking about. *shakes head*

 

[HeatherJay]

Forhislove is seeking christian love and support in her situation and all I've seen in this thread is condemnation. This hits close to home for me, as well...I have two pretty girls, and I can tell you how I'd react if anyone tried to hurt them. It's HARD for me to remove myself from the emotions those images cause. But condescending attitudes only serve to make this poor girl feel even more alone than she probably already does.

As is obvious with this thread, the stigma attached to what her husband did is also attached to her by society...and that's sad. The same way that battered women are blamed for not leaving an abusive man, she's being held responsible for her husband's perversion. The fact that she's unable to leave says nothing about her love for her daughter...my MIL stayed for years with a man who was physically abusive to my husband as a child. She loved her children more than anything, but it took her years to find the strength to leave that man, but thank goodness she finally did. Maybe if she had found the support from other Christian women that she needed, she could have found the strength to do it sooner.

I see a woman reaching out for support and counsel to her sisters in Christ, and all she's found are judgements and condescention. I'm sorry, ladies, but I'm ashamed to have been a part of it all.

Forhislove, I have no experience with your situation whatsoever, and I'm sorry that I can't offer more helpful advice. I can offer you prayers and love, and I hope that you'll stick around here at CF. It's really a wonderful place.

Love, Heather

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Ummm, if your daughter is still living in the home and is a minor, and you are still together, your daughter could be taken away. As someone who works with children in similar situations, I've seen this happen. I know the ideal thing in your daugher's eyes would be for you to leave him, I can understand her pain, but at the same time I can almost put myself in your shoes and see how it would be hard to just throw away a marriage, especially if the guy says he won't ever do it again. But for the sake of your daughter- I hope that would be the case. There would be nothing worse than having your own father malest you, I've been malested by a couple of relatives- an uncle and grandpa- and also a close friend of the family- and I know how ashamed it makes you feel, plus ruins your trust in men. But thank God it wasn't my own father. I'd really be careful about that, because he may tell you one thing, but if he hasn't truly repented, what about your grandchildren??? Someone that malests children, especially there own, have a deep seated problem, probably spiritual in nature- and it won't stop unless well, there is true repentance. Just like an adulterer- he may tell you he won't do it again, but he just very well may. But you don't know if he will ever do it again or not. Hopefully, for your's and other children's sake, he won't.

 

[Crofter]

My husband attempted to molest my daughter. Is our marriage bed defiled. Will I go to hell if I stay in the marriage. I have struggled with this for years. We are still married and my daughter doesn't forgive me for staying with him. Was I wrong? HELP!

I think the issues are not easy... it is easy for me or your daughter to say you should have left him...

....but if he never did this in any way again and made the effort to correct his behaviour then you have in fact looked after your family interests in as good as way as you can.

If you ignored the behaviour and let him repeat the abuse then you are a guilty party in failing to protect your daughter.


Whatever your action folliwing this abuse, I'm sorry to say, I think the damage was done, and only time will heal your daughter and your relationship with your daughter.. even had you moved out that action would have had consequences! ...So to ask yourself 'what if..?' is simply counter productive. All you can do is look to the future and help yourself and your daughter to understand the complexities that led you to make the choices that you made in the past.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

That is wisdom- we can't change the past, but have to accept what has already occured and move onto the future. Well said.

 

[IslandBreeze]

But condescending attitudes only serve to make this poor girl feel even more alone than she probably already does.

It can't be nearly as bad as her daughter feels...

As is obvious with this thread, the stigma attached to what her husband did is also attached to her by society...and that's sad. The same way that battered women are blamed for not leaving an abusive man, she's being held responsible for her husband's perversion.

This is NOT the same as battered-women syndrome. This woman KNEW that her husband was a pervert and a child molester and CHOSE--consciously CHOSE to not protect her daughter and stay in the same house with the man who abused her daughter. By CHOOSING to not protect her daughter (and basically giving her husband permission to continue the abuse) THAT is what makes her responsible.

The fact that she's unable to leave says nothing about her love for her daughter...my MIL stayed for years with a man who was physically abusive to my husband as a child.

I disagree wholeheartedly. To me, it says she cares more about a disgusting pervert than her own child, and I can only imagine her daughter feels the same way.

I see a woman reaching out for support and counsel to her sisters in Christ, and all she's found are judgements and condescention. I'm sorry, ladies, but I'm ashamed to have been a part of it all.

I don't think tip-toeing around this issue would have done anybody good. Sometimes the truth hurts, but IMO, there were things said here that NEEDED to be said, and I don't think it's out of judgement and condemnation. I think it's out of love and concern for an innocent child.

 

[Tangnefedd]

I guess it is easy to condemn this poor woman's actions, as no right minded person can condone paedophilia. We all hope we would have thrown the man out, after first reporting him to the authorities. I guess until we have been in that position we can't know for absolute certain how we would react!

 

[charligirl]

Our pastor actually touched on Paedophilia in his sermon this week, he said if a confessed Paedophile came to church wanted to get saved, he would explain to them that he would pray the sinners prayer with them... then call the police and report them. Then continue to support them in prison with books and tapes.

God is a just God and we are to abide by His and our country's law, love the sinner but hate the sin.

Help them? yes of course, report them? absolutely!

 

[HeatherJay]

This is NOT the same as battered-women syndrome. This woman KNEW that her husband was a pervert and a child molester and CHOSE--consciously CHOSE to not protect her daughter and stay in the same house with the man who abused her daughter. By CHOOSING to not protect her daughter (and basically giving her husband permission to continue the abuse) THAT is what makes her responsible..

Battered women KNOW their husbands are abusers and many times there are children involved, as well. They also make a choice to stay in the situation...to keep their children in the situation. It's a choice made because the woman lacks the inner strength and courage to leave. It's not a rational decision...it's the product of years of emotional and physical trauma...constantly being torn down, being made to feel like she doesn't deserve any better, that it's HER FAULT she or her children are being abused.

I disagree wholeheartedly. To me, it says she cares more about a disgusting pervert than her own child, and I can only imagine her daughter feels the same way..

Have you ever been in an abusive realtionship? Either emotionally or physiscally abusive? If you had, I don't think you would make this statement.

I don't think tip-toeing around this issue would have done anybody good. Sometimes the truth hurts, but IMO, there were things said here that NEEDED to be said, and I don't think it's out of judgement and condemnation. I think it's out of love and concern for an innocent child.

I disagree, because I judged and condemned myself and I saw it mirrored in other posts, as well. Although, I do agree that love and concern for the child was the reason people get so worked up about this. I can EASILY put my own girls in that poor child's place, and get all worked up and ticked off. And when I re-read my first post, I saw myself doing that. It's easy to be sanctimonious and self-righteous when you're not in her particular situation...it's EASY to make a rational decision from way over here. She obviously feels guilty for staying with the man who hurt her daughter...and she came to us looking for support. And I did judge her when I first read to OP...and I'm ashamed of that. What I should have done, and what I'm trying to do now is reach out to her in Christ-like love and help her find the strength she needs do the right thing in this situation. Maybe I'm not doing a very good job, but I'm trying.

Love, Heather