Fidelity

[katelyn]

Heather,

Personally, I didn't see any condemnation in your first post. I felt it was kind and honest, not at all brutal or judgmental. I think there's a difference between being realistic and looking down on someone for their actions. I totally agree with you that it's wrong to be harsh toward her and treat her like it's her fault. But steps will need to be taken to get her daughter to trust her again.

I also feel that we don't know enough about the situation to say some of the things that have been said on this thread. We don't know how old the daughter is or what was done to fix the situation when her husband attempted to molest their daughter however many years ago. Without knowing those things, it's hard to say what she should do to try to heal her relationship with her daughter...which is why I hadn't posted up to this point. And I totally agree with earlier posters who said at this point, focusing on what should have been done in the past isn't important, but what she can do now to regain her daughter's trust is what matters.

Forhislove, I pray that Christ's healing will restore your family relationships.

 

[Crofter]

This woman KNEW that her husband was a pervert and a child molester and CHOSE--consciously CHOSE to not protect her daughter and stay in the same house with the man who abused her daughter. By CHOOSING to not protect her daughter (and basically giving her husband permission to continue the abuse) THAT is what makes her responsible.

I think I missed a post somewhere.... can't recal these things being stated.... must be info from another thread cos on here she only said he attempted to molest.. ???

Am I in the dark in not knowing all the facts or are assumptions being made here..?

 

[Crofter]

To me, it says she cares more about a disgusting pervert

I think such a comment is way out of line.

( assuming this is a genuine situation ).... you may well have the right to be critical... but you do not have the right to be rude and insulting.

 

[IslandBreeze]

Battered women KNOW their husbands are abusers and many times there are children involved, as well. They also make a choice to stay in the situation...to keep their children in the situation. It's a choice made because the woman lacks the inner strength and courage to leave. It's not a rational decision...it's the product of years of emotional and physical trauma...constantly being torn down, being made to feel like she doesn't deserve any better, that it's HER FAULT she or her children are being abused.

Sorry, I don't believe or buy into the whole battered women syndrome. I don't believe in the victimization of someone who ALLOWS themself to constantly be abused.

Have you ever been in an abusive realtionship? Either emotionally or physiscally abusive? If you had, I don't think you would make this statement.

I most certainly have. When I was 14, I became involved with a guy who was both emotionally and physically abusive. I took the emotional abuse, but got out when the physical abuse began. Obviously I was a child at the time, but I knew it was my fault for him abusing me because I ALLOWED him to, and I still believe (8 years later) that I was responsible because I chose to stay with him and chose to let him treat me poorly.

Although, I do agree that love and concern for the child was the reason people get so worked up about this. I can EASILY put my own girls in that poor child's place, and get all worked up and ticked off. And when I re-read my first post, I saw myself doing that. It's easy to be sanctimonious and self-righteous when you're not in her particular situation...it's EASY to make a rational decision from way over here.

I have absolutely no doubt that even if I were in that position (call me self-righteous or arrogant or whatever you will) there is not a chance I'd stay with a man 2 seconds after finding something like that out--and I would most certainly want to get my children away from someone like that ASAP.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I think I missed a post somewhere.... can't recal these things being stated.... must be info from another thread cos on here she only said he attempted to molest.. ???

Am I in the dark in not knowing all the facts or are assumptions being made here..?

You don't think someone who ATTEMPTS to molest a child is in the same boat as a child molester? Had he not been stopped somehow (during the 'attempt'), he would have gone through with the molestation. IMO that makes him a child molester, and she said that she stayed with him and her daughter won't forgive her. I don't believe I'm making assumptions.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I think such a comment is way out of line.

( assuming this is a genuine situation ).... you may well have the right to be critical... but you do not have the right to be rude and insulting.

So what then is an appropriate name for a child molester?

 

[HeatherJay]

Sorry, I don't believe or buy into the whole battered women syndrome. I don't believe in the victimization of someone who ALLOWS themself to constantly be abused....but I knew it was my fault for him abusing me because I ALLOWED him to, and I still believe (8 years later) that I was responsible because I chose to stay with him and chose to let him treat me poorly.

That's the same reasoning that abusive men use.

I have absolutely no doubt that even if I were in that position (call me self-righteous or arrogant or whatever you will) there is not a chance I'd stay with a man 2 seconds after finding something like that out--and I would most certainly want to get my children away from someone like that ASAP.

My point being it's a lot easier to make that statement when neither you, nor I, nor anyone else on this board has actually walked a mile in her shoes. And I don't see how tearing her down even more is in any way helpful or productive. But, if you think that telling her how much stronger and better you are, and how you would have handled the situation will help her find the strength to do what she needs to do, then go for it. Personally, I think a much better option would be, as others have said, concentrating on the future and trying to heal her relationship with her daughter and offering advice in that direction.

Love, Heather

 

[seebs]

Seems to me we have nowhere near enough information. How old was the daughter when this happened? How old is she now? Did the father repent? Did he apologize?

All I can say so far is that it could be anywhere from a very good thing to a very bad thing.

 

[Cordy]

My friend was in a situation similar to yours - except she was the daughter. When she came forward with what her mother’s husband had done to her, the family did break apart, but it was a whole less disastrous than what would have happened had the family stayed together. Staying with your husband is dangerous.

From what I learned in psychology, your daughter is not only in danger with your husband, but with other men in the future. It can be very scary and disturbing. I remember learning of studies where researches take sex offenders to a room full of women, and ask them who they would pick out for a victim. The men know very quickly who they would take as their victims. The researchers followed this up, and discovered that all the women “chosen” had experienced some sort of sexual abuse in the past.

I think your husband needs some serious help (and also be charged if he hasn’t already). And your daughter needs some counselling (if she hasn’t already). I think it might be good for you to go to counselling with your daughter to help understand how she feels.
I would imagine you feel quite a bit of weight or pressure in this situation. Give it up to the Lord and take the steps needed to really fix this problematic situation.

 

[Silent Enigma]

Doesn't sound like the OP is going to give us any more information. One thing I was wondering is, if it was an "attempted" molestation, what sort of charges could she bring against him? How would it all work out legally? Does anybody in here know anything that might be useful to her, if she still checks back on this thread?

 

[charligirl]

Sorry, I don't believe or buy into the whole battered women syndrome. I don't believe in the victimization of someone who ALLOWS themself to constantly be abused.


I most certainly have. When I was 14, I became involved with a guy who was both emotionally and physically abusive. I took the emotional abuse, but got out when the physical abuse began. Obviously I was a child at the time, but I knew it was my fault for him abusing me because I ALLOWED him to, and I still believe (8 years later) that I was responsible because I chose to stay with him and chose to let him treat me poorly.
.

I used to think this way too, until I did a course with women who had been involved with domestic violence. I was priviledged enough to come from a pretty secure and loving childhood, women brought up like that 'know' that it is wrong if a man abuses them.. they do not think they are to blame, they know they haven'y 'made' the man behave like that.... however, women who have been down trodden as children, have seen their mother abused or are exposed to abusive men think it is the norm, and more importantly think that THEY are wrong, not the man, that they 'deserve' it somehow.

Consider a girl who is being abused by her Father, children are born utterly trusting their parents, believing their parents are right, are perfect... that's how God created us. If a child is abused they will not think their parents are wrong... even though it feels wrong and inside them they know it's wrong... so what do they do? THey believe that as their parents must be right, THEY MUST BE WRONG. That's how it starts, if they believe it's their fault they brought it on themseleves that can just continue through life, they will likely attract other abusers and end up thinking, 'I must be wrong,m it happens with every guy I have a relationship with'.


I'm sorry but at 14 you thought the abuse was YOUR FAULT? how awful, it was HIS fault, he was the abusive one. You were not responsible for his abuse, that's the wrong word... you are responsible for your actions and your decisions, if you had chosen to stay you would still not have been responsible for his actions, you can't be, it's his free will.

You were lucky, good you had the self preservation to get out, you obviously had some self esteem, .... many women don't.

I know a lady who was so hideously sexually and physically abused by her father (to the point of giving birth to his deformed still born child) that she was suffering from flash backs and problems 30 years later. She was a child, unable to leave.. thought she was evil, God hated her and she was wrong. She escaped at 18 and married the first man who came along... another abuser... finally well on in years she found God again, had proper teaching and was able to leave her husband and receive counselling and healing. It's a real testimony to God! Until then though, she was unable to leave on her own, it took GOD to heal her... we need to be compassionate towards such women and not condemn them for staying, but seek to build them up and strengthen them until they are able to leave.

 

[Crofter]

You don't think someone who ATTEMPTS to molest a child is in the same boat as a child molester? Had he not been stopped somehow (during the 'attempt'), he would have gone through with the molestation. IMO that makes him a child molester, and she said that she stayed with him and her daughter won't forgive her. I don't believe I'm making assumptions.

Not if it for a total off my head ficticious eg...was say an older teen who appered to give out the wrong signals or even teased a step dad and the guy stopped when the girl said no. This would not be a respectful man to think of doing such a thing... but neither would ne be a child molester. However... I am not arguing that this is the case... purely stating I don't know the facts at all.

Any number of personalities and situations could be behind this ... so to guess and make judgements on our guess work is too dangerous to contemplate... and could cause severe hurt.


I am acepting in my comments I make here on this thread that I simply do not know any of the facts behind this situation... I do not believe it is right or fair to hang a person before one knows the nature or reality of the crime.... lol... nor do I believe in hanging for that matter!

 

[HeatherJay]

I used to think this way too, until I did a course with women who had been involved with domestic violence. I was priviledged enough to come from a pretty secure and loving childhood, women brought up like that 'know' that it is wrong if a man abuses them.. they do not think they are to blame, they know they haven'y 'made' the man behave like that.... however, women who have been down trodden as children, have seen their mother abused or are exposed to abusive men think it is the norm, and more importantly think that THEY are wrong, not the man, that they 'deserve' it somehow.

Consider a girl who is being abused by her Father, children are born utterly trusting their parents, believing their parents are right, are perfect... that's how God created us. If a child is abused they will not think their parents are wrong... even though it feels wrong and inside them they know it's wrong... so what do they do? THey believe that as their parents must be right, THEY MUST BE WRONG. That's how it starts, if they believe it's their fault they brought it on themseleves that can just continue through life, they will likely attract other abusers and end up thinking, 'I must be wrong,m it happens with every guy I have a relationship with'.


I'm sorry but at 14 you thought the abuse was YOUR FAULT? how awful, it was HIS fault, he was the abusive one. You were not responsible for his abuse, that's the wrong word... you are responsible for your actions and your decisions, if you had chosen to stay you would still not have been responsible for his actions, you can't be, it's his free will.

You were lucky, good you had the self preservation to get out, you obviously had some self esteem, .... many women don't.

I know a lady who was so hideously sexually and physically abused by her father (to the point of giving birth to his deformed still born child) that she was suffering from flash backs and problems 30 years later. She was a child, unable to leave.. thought she was evil, God hated her and she was wrong. She escaped at 18 and married the first man who came along... another abuser... finally well on in years she found God again, had proper teaching and was able to leave her husband and receive counselling and healing. It's a real testimony to God! Until then though, she was unable to leave on her own, it took GOD to heal her... we need to be compassionate towards such women and not condemn them for staying, but seek to build them up and strengthen them until they are able to leave.

Excellent post, Charligirl. I agree completely.

Love, Heather

 

[mina]

It is never the victim's fault. They don't deserve being a punching bag or to be misused. Using that logic you could say that the daughter in this thread was almost molested because it was her fault. Or you could say that any child that is molested , it was their fault. That is NOT true. The person that thinks that they can hurt another and not be held responsible is the one with the problem. They are the one at fault and they will prey on anyone that they can. One could argue that the victim should have known better or should have know how to defend themselfs, etc... however no one should attempt to harm someone out of meanness and selfishness and brutality in the first place. Also abusers will often decieve their victims by getting them to trust and then misusing that trust. The fault isn't with the victim in trusting but with the abuser in being manipulative.

 

[Crofter]

mina.. I'm not sure if yoiu are responding to my post... I appreciate my post might look misleading because I agree with you entitely. I was more in a clumsy way trying to say that fault of any kind can not be directed at anyone in this situation because not enough facts have been disclosed.

 

[mina]

mina.. I'm not sure if yoiu are responding to my post... I appreciate my post might look misleading because I agree with you entitely. I was more in a clumsy way trying to say that fault of any kind can not be directed at anyone in this situation because not enough facts have been disclosed.

I was just responding in general, it wasn't really directed at anyone. Just putting down my thoughts.