Feeling sad because I want a family but it seems impossible

[IsaacM]

I am a 23 year old Christian guy. Being quiet, shy, timid, etc has plagued me throughout my life. Therefore, I’ve never been able to talk to girls that I’ve liked and so I’ve never been on a single date or even held hands with a girl before.

I’d like to have a family but it just doesn’t seem possible. Whenever I see young families out and about it makes me sad. Whenever I hear of friends my age getting married and stuff it makes me feel sad too. I long to have a wife that I can rush home to be with or have kids to love. I know that having a family would be hard work. But I believe that a man is either to have a family or to serve Christ in singleness. Both are hard work. And I think that I can self sacrifice enough to make it work.

I have a lot of love and caring in me. I don’t anger easily and genuinely want to help others. I strongly feel that’s it’s my calling to serve Christ as a faithful husband and father as opposed to singleness. I think it fits me better. Plus, I do like women and would like one to be intimate with. But I don’t see myself ever being able to find a wife and all that.

I don’t know, does anybody have any advice for me?

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Good hopes.
Trust God.
Do not get in a hurry. (don't make mistakes "just because") ...

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I am a 23 year old Christian guy. Being quiet, shy, timid, etc has plagued me throughout my life. Therefore, I’ve never been able to talk to girls that I’ve liked and so I’ve never been on a single date or even held hands with a girl before.

I’d like to have a family but it just doesn’t seem possible. Whenever I see young families out and about it makes me sad. Whenever I hear of friends my age getting married and stuff it makes me feel sad too. I long to have a wife that I can rush home to be with or have kids to love. I know that having a family would be hard work. But I believe that a man is either to have a family or to serve Christ in singleness. Both are hard work. And I think that I can self sacrifice enough to make it work.

I have a lot of love and caring in me. I don’t anger easily and genuinely want to help others. I strongly feel that’s it’s my calling to serve Christ as a faithful husband and father as opposed to singleness. I think it fits me better. Plus, I do like women and would like one to be intimate with. But I don’t see myself ever being able to find a wife and all that.

I don’t know, does anybody have any advice for me?

For starters, Isaac, I wouldn't put too much attention on the fact that you've yet to be on a date or haven't held hands and all "that." Try not to focus on this, because, as someone who's been through similar experiences, you'll only end up driving yourself crazy. No, if I had it all to do over again, the first thing I would have made a priority would have been to establish myself with marketable skills and become firmly oriented in some substantive direction with an occupation.

The other two things--three really--that you should think about are 1) who do you feel you 'are' at this moment in life, 2) is your idea of the 'ideal' mate truly compatible with the reality of 'who' you are, and 3) where are you presently at in your relationship with the Lord?

So, I know all of what I've just said above will sound like a non-answer to lonely, shy ears, but there is an order in which this stuff in life works better. This doesn't mean you can't pray about and then, this time next week, just happen to meet the dream woman of your life for the rest of your life, but typically that's not how things work out.

Peace.

 

[JustRachel]

You are very young. Give Him time.

 

[ChristianGirl_96]

What about adoption?

 

[Sketcher]

I am a 23 year old Christian guy. Being quiet, shy, timid, etc has plagued me throughout my life. Therefore, I’ve never been able to talk to girls that I’ve liked and so I’ve never been on a single date or even held hands with a girl before.

I’d like to have a family but it just doesn’t seem possible. Whenever I see young families out and about it makes me sad. Whenever I hear of friends my age getting married and stuff it makes me feel sad too. I long to have a wife that I can rush home to be with or have kids to love. I know that having a family would be hard work. But I believe that a man is either to have a family or to serve Christ in singleness. Both are hard work. And I think that I can self sacrifice enough to make it work.

I have a lot of love and caring in me. I don’t anger easily and genuinely want to help others. I strongly feel that’s it’s my calling to serve Christ as a faithful husband and father as opposed to singleness. I think it fits me better. Plus, I do like women and would like one to be intimate with. But I don’t see myself ever being able to find a wife and all that.

I don’t know, does anybody have any advice for me?

1) You have time to work through these issues enough to become a father. Actively work through them, rather than give up and say that it can't happen. Let's say you're at 0 now and need to get to 5 to get to the point where you can have a healthy relationship with a woman, and she wants to marry you. If it takes you 3 or 5 or 7 or 10 years to get there, it's good enough. Better to start chipping away at the problem now than to wake up 10 years from now and still be at 0 because you didn't put in the work. And if you're only a 2 or a 3 in 10 years, that's still better than 0.

2) If you were to be friends or relatives with people who have young families, you would be able to see the challenges first hand. There's constant challenge, and there can easily be tragedy. And if you become a dad you are one of the two people who are responsible to clean everything up.

 

[coffee4u]

God knows the longings of your heart.

Psalm 38:9
All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.

Now you have to decide what to do with it.
Yes, you should pray, but you also need to be ready to act. God won't drop a wife into your lap but he might show you who it is if you are paying attention. It won't happen though if you do nothing. It is still you who has to talk to her, ask her out and develop a relationship.
At the same time don't be in a rush, you are young and have plenty of years to develop some maturity. Marry in haste, repent at leisure is an old saying with a whole lot of truth attached to it. Don't be declaring your undying love a week after you meet someone, thats is just creepy. So don't be a creep. Do be a gentleman, but also make sure that she knows you like her. If you never hold your date's hand she will think you only want to be friends.

Another thing to think about is you may think you are ready for marriage but God may be saying, not yet. Or it could be the girl who will be your wife isn't ready yet. You would not want to be put together before both of you are ready.

Don't worry that you haven't been on a date or held hands. The girl who is meant for you won't worry about such things, indeed she will find it endearing.

I know it is hard as a shy person to find a date or even talk to a person. Don't forget the girl you like maybe just as shy as you are. I think often though that God puts us together with someone who is more outgoing. I didn't think I would ever get married. I met my husband when I was 31. As a woman whose clock was ticking, it gets stressful. You don't have to worry about that. Just be open to opportunities and if one presents itself take it. The worst a girl can do is say no if you ask her out right? You are no worse off, but even being told no is good because it's given you practice at it.
Also maybe your first relationship won't work out, again it's practice. If you meet someone and don't take the chance because speaking is too hard, find her address and send her a letter. A nice old fashioned one on paper. That's what my husband did. We have been married for 20 years.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

I am a 23 year old Christian guy. Being quiet, shy, timid, etc has plagued me throughout my life. Therefore, I’ve never been able to talk to girls that I’ve liked and so I’ve never been on a single date or even held hands with a girl before.

I’d like to have a family but it just doesn’t seem possible. Whenever I see young families out and about it makes me sad. Whenever I hear of friends my age getting married and stuff it makes me feel sad too. I long to have a wife that I can rush home to be with or have kids to love. I know that having a family would be hard work. But I believe that a man is either to have a family or to serve Christ in singleness. Both are hard work. And I think that I can self sacrifice enough to make it work.

I have a lot of love and caring in me. I don’t anger easily and genuinely want to help others. I strongly feel that’s it’s my calling to serve Christ as a faithful husband and father as opposed to singleness. I think it fits me better. Plus, I do like women and would like one to be intimate with. But I don’t see myself ever being able to find a wife and all that.

I don’t know, does anybody have any advice for me?

Hey IsaacM,

That desire for that special someone in your life will dwell there, but I like to encourage you to take a different track with it. To hand that desire to the Lord and trust him with it. Second is to let God prepare you for the task of husband and father.

Being a husband and father is a much bigger task than you romanticize about. When I was in your shoes, the Lord challenged me by asking what does his Word says about being a husband and a father. As I did a study in the scriptures I found I had some serious problems that needed to be resolved. Which was good, it is a wake-up call that being a husband and father takes work, wise judgment, and a heavy reliance on God to get thru the hard trials that come.

Learn to let the Lord teach you how to fight for yourself. If you can't love who you are, how can you truly love others? I love my wife dearly, but there are times I have to be alone with God. There are times I have to fight for my wife, even when she doesn't understand it.

Lastly, you need to discovery and love who you are! You are a created being with a unique personality, abilities, and talent. As you become and be who you are, you will be gold in the eyes of others as they see you being yourself. God wants to use you for His kingdom, so let him disciple you as his adopted son. Let him encourage you and discipline when it is required. This will make you stronger, and you will learn more about who you are.

 

[LoricaLady]

I am a 23 year old Christian guy. Being quiet, shy, timid, etc has plagued me throughout my life. Therefore, I’ve never been able to talk to girls that I’ve liked and so I’ve never been on a single date or even held hands with a girl before.

I’d like to have a family but it just doesn’t seem possible. Whenever I see young families out and about it makes me sad. Whenever I hear of friends my age getting married and stuff it makes me feel sad too. I long to have a wife that I can rush home to be with or have kids to love. I know that having a family would be hard work. But I believe that a man is either to have a family or to serve Christ in singleness. Both are hard work. And I think that I can self sacrifice enough to make it work.

I have a lot of love and caring in me. I don’t anger easily and genuinely want to help others. I strongly feel that’s it’s my calling to serve Christ as a faithful husband and father as opposed to singleness. I think it fits me better. Plus, I do like women and would like one to be intimate with. But I don’t see myself ever being able to find a wife and all that.

I don’t know, does anybody have any advice for me?

There are lots of places on the net for how to develop social skills, including on how to be interesting to women. There are so many women looking for a sincere Christian guy!

Check out the Bright Side channel on You Tube and just type in things into the subject like like "How to ask a girl for a date...What girls are looking for...." stuff like that. Practice your social skills with a smart phone video or in the mirror. Check yourself out. See what you notice and learn.

Just a thought and it may not be true for you at all. Sometimes I have seen guys lamenting the fact that they don't have a gal, and yet the only ones they want have to be beautiful and they say so! Some of those guys were very ordinary looking, or maybe even kinda homely. Are you willing to court girl who is maybe lovely on the inside, but plain on the outside? Rhetorical Q.

 

[ajcarey]

Shyness in talking to girls is actually more of a positive than a negative, especially in someone your age. Going about getting a wife biblically wouldn't even involve talking to the girl at first in terms of asking her out, but rather talking to her father and/or her Pastor. You ought to get their approval before you even talk to a girl about a relationship, and even then, it would ideal be that her father or Pastor talks to her about whether she is interested in you (should they approve of you so that they would be willing to do that). And even then, should she be interested in you too, it should then be a hands-off courtship where you neither hold hands nor embrace at all, but get to know each other and see if you're personalities and goals in life and for God's service are compatible to know if marriage between the two is even a good idea at all. The Bible knows nothing about dating as something prescribed by God in an explicit way nor even implicitly by way of principle. You see in the opening verses of 1 Corinthians chapter 7 how touching is for married people and those not married shouldn't even be touching. Good for you for never being on a date nor so much as holding hands with a girl! The fact that such is considered normal now, and that single people who have never done so are considered weird, is a shameful concept which has taken root from seeds of ungodliness in our culture.

What you really should do then is seek God by praying and taking time in His Word to the maximum that you can get out of doing so; and in using your extra time to serve Him in ways that are valuable in His eyes (especially in serving the least of His brethren). Being single is likely to give you a better opportunity for this than you'll have at anytime after you should get married. And focus just overall on becoming an overall, well-developed man in every way that Scripture commends manhood. There is no specific point where someone is beyond a doubt, definitely mature enough for marriage; and there is no point where one won't have anything to improve upon, but every last bit of maturity you can bring into a marriage the better you'll do as a husband and a father. AND every last bit of maturity you develop in singleness will prepare you and help you to remain single as long as a godly opportunity to get married hasn't come for you.

It is possible to handle the unfulfilled desires of singleness as long as God tells you to by His providence (or lack thereof). I was much like you when I was your age- and 13 years later I am still much like you- because everything I worried about regarding not finding a wife as a young man has happened and I've been disappointed terribly, to the point where I am confident you will not have it any harder even should (what you see now) as the worst case scenario for you in 13 years from now come to pass in this area. But guess what? I am still praising God and I'm glad for the opportunities I've had to grow in the Lord and serve Him in remaining single. I wouldn't trade what has happened for even the best possible marriage having happened in my 20s; and I still trust God for the best going forward. But you should know that finding a godly wife and having a family is possible for you, and that is not even what you should see as the real issue. The real issue is that there is a battle for Truth that is raging which you need to develop keen discernment regarding, need to prepare well for, and need to fight in. There is just not time to be sad about lacking a wife nor to be overjoyed about finding one should you do so. That is the Apostle's Paul main point for EVERYONE in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 when he deals with matters related to marriage and singleness.

This is a great opportunity sir; and I hope you will consider how you can glorify God in it and what God has for you in it. Maybe He'll give you a wife in His wisdom and kindness sooner or later anyways, but don't rush nor greatly distract yourself to obtain one; and don't consider to be without one a curse, because that can also be an expression of God's wisdom and kindness. Re-read 1 Corinthians chapter 7 and heed the wisdom and godly perspective of the Apostle. Climb the mountains the Lord bids you to climb and you'll eventually see things from heaven's viewpoint much better. This will set you free and fit you to be the best you can be for the Lord in whatever role He puts you in. Make that your top priority and you CANNOT lose.

 

[Jonathan Walkerin]

Start routines that slowly build up your selfconfidence. Start saying always something nice to cashiers or casual acquintances, start doing physical exercises of some sort, read up abit and strike conversation about current news.

Don`t wait for God to deliver your wife without any help. Work for it and you are only 23 you got time but better start now then later.

 

[Mario David]

You are still young. When I was reading your description, basically you described me. I was shy, and reserved. My wife found me, she invited me on a date because I was too timid to do so. I was even so shy that I kept saying no every time she asked me out until she one day said "Okay I wont ask no more" and that's when I realize I was forever going to be alone and asked her out.

You will have a family when the time is right. Be yourself and most important, be happy.

 

[anynmskr]

This is all accurate.

I, too, am single, And although i am about a decade years past your age, I have also not held hands with anyone, i've had a couple pecks,

And i had one relationship in high school, And for reasons that i cannot even fully comprehend,

I ended things, Myself...

I still, t o this day, Regret it. (The relationship,

Not ending it),.

I did kiss that per son, But, not hin g else went on, And i wish i could go back and undo the kiss... </3. </3.

Y ou do not have to b e a fundamentalist,

In order to clearly read, what is written in the Bible,

About, Most, Things. It is clearly,

And plainly, Written........

Shyness in talking to girls is actually more of a positive than a negative, especially in someone your age. Going about getting a wife biblically wouldn't even involve talking to the girl at first in terms of asking her out, but rather talking to her father and/or her Pastor. You ought to get their approval before you even talk to a girl about a relationship, and even then, it would ideal be that her father or Pastor talks to her about whether she is interested in you (should they approve of you so that they would be willing to do that). And even then, should she be interested in you too, it should then be a hands-off courtship where you neither hold hands nor embrace at all, but get to know each other and see if you're personalities and goals in life and for God's service are compatible to know if marriage between the two is even a good idea at all. The Bible knows nothing about dating as something prescribed by God in an explicit way nor even implicitly by way of principle. You see in the opening verses of 1 Corinthians chapter 7 how touching is for married people and those not married shouldn't even be touching. Good for you for never being on a date nor so much as holding hands with a girl! The fact that such is considered normal now, and that single people who have never done so are considered weird, is a shameful concept which has taken root from seeds of ungodliness in our culture.

What you really should do then is seek God by praying and taking time in His Word to the maximum that you can get out of doing so; and in using your extra time to serve Him in ways that are valuable in His eyes (especially in serving the least of His brethren). Being single is likely to give you a better opportunity for this than you'll have at anytime after you should get married. And focus just overall on becoming an overall, well-developed man in every way that Scripture commends manhood. There is no specific point where someone is beyond a doubt, definitely mature enough for marriage; and there is no point where one won't have anything to improve upon, but every last bit of maturity you can bring into a marriage the better you'll do as a husband and a father. AND every last bit of maturity you develop in singleness will prepare you and help you to remain single as long as a godly opportunity to get married hasn't come for you.

It is possible to handle the unfulfilled desires of singleness as long as God tells you to by His providence (or lack thereof). I was much like you when I was your age- and 13 years later I am still much like you- because everything I worried about regarding not finding a wife as a young man has happened and I've been disappointed terribly, to the point where I am confident you will not have it any harder even should (what you see now) as the worst case scenario for you in 13 years from now come to pass in this area. But guess what? I am still praising God and I'm glad for the opportunities I've had to grow in the Lord and serve Him in remaining single. I wouldn't trade what has happened for even the best possible marriage having happened in my 20s; and I still trust God for the best going forward. But you should know that finding a godly wife and having a family is possible for you, and that is not even what you should see as the real issue. The real issue is that there is a battle for Truth that is raging which you need to develop keen discernment regarding, need to prepare well for, and need to fight in. There is just not time to be sad about lacking a wife nor to be overjoyed about finding one should you do so. That is the Apostle's Paul main point for EVERYONE in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 when he deals with matters related to marriage and singleness.

This is a great opportunity sir; and I hope you will consider how you can glorify God in it and what God has for you in it. Maybe He'll give you a wife in His wisdom and kindness sooner or later anyways, but don't rush nor greatly distract yourself to obtain one; and don't consider to be without one a curse, because that can also be an expression of God's wisdom and kindness. Re-read 1 Corinthians chapter 7 and heed the wisdom and godly perspective of the Apostle. Climb the mountains the Lord bids you to climb and you'll eventually see things from heaven's viewpoint much better. This will set you free and fit you to be the best you can be for the Lord in whatever role He puts you in. Make that your top priority and you CANNOT lose.

 

[But_First_Coffee]

Baby steps. Start with making a female friend. Then if there’s a connection, go from there and see if it can be romantic. It’s good that you know you want a family, but I wouldn’t bring that up right away. It’s too much pressure for a new relationship. Just focus on befriending and then asking out someone whom you think you could marry. But get to know her really well before you jump to that conclusion. Be friends and do friend things ordinary stuff like volunteering, going shopping and helping out her family around the house. See what she’s really like behind the scenes, before going on a romantic date. Otherwise, you’ll only see the fun side of things.

 

[aiki]

I am a 23 year old Christian guy. Being quiet, shy, timid, etc has plagued me throughout my life. Therefore, I’ve never been able to talk to girls that I’ve liked and so I’ve never been on a single date or even held hands with a girl before.

I don't know about you, but my shyness, my high reserve, was really about pride and selfishness. It was these things that made me so careful to avoid embarrassment, or awkward moments with other people, or to risk not being accepted by them. My concern wasn't their comfort or ease with me but mine with them. My shyness, then, was, at bottom, just extreme self-interest. Such a self-concerned man, of course, makes a terrible husband. Being in a serious relationship with a woman requires selflessness which a shy guy just isn't really capable of until he let's go of his great concern for his own social/relational comfort and ego.

There are some women who are attracted to shy guys, but, I think, for unhealthy reasons. They see shy men as weak and in need of protection; or they see them as projects, men to be reshaped and emboldened by a good woman's influence; or they see shy men as conveniently passive and easily controlled. Whatever the motivation, a woman who takes up a serious romantic relationship with a shy man is, I believe, going to find herself mired in a deep swamp of self-interest in him.

I’d like to have a family but it just doesn’t seem possible. Whenever I see young families out and about it makes me sad. Whenever I hear of friends my age getting married and stuff it makes me feel sad too. I long to have a wife that I can rush home to be with or have kids to love. I know that having a family would be hard work. But I believe that a man is either to have a family or to serve Christ in singleness. Both are hard work. And I think that I can self sacrifice enough to make it work.

I didn't marry 'til I was 39. I've never kissed any woman but my wife. And marriage didn't happen for me until after I was content just with God. When I was truly able to say that God was entirely enough for me, it was only then my wife-to-be appeared. I think the timing of things in this regard was important and divinely-ordained. Too many Christian guys are looking for things in a wife that God intends they should find in a relationship with Him. Or they are looking at marriage as a means of satisfying themselves in some way, not serving their wife self-sacrificially as the Bible commands them to do. A man who has found God to be enough, who loves God above all things, is the man who will love his wife well, as Christ loves his Bride, the Church, and gave himself for it. And when that man lives this way with his wife, he doesn't find it hard work but a joy.

I have a lot of love and caring in me.

I hope you are referring to God here. Our own human love is highly contingent - I'll love you only if you love me - ; human love is corrupted by sin and selfishness; human love is vacillating, entirely too tied to emotion and circumstance. God doesn't want us to love Him or others with this kind of love. This kind of love, this human love, is actually very corrosive to marriage, never intended by God to be the sort of love that anchors a life-long, monogamous union between a man and a woman. It is only God's love, His agape love, that can maintain a truly healthy marriage relationship.

 

[anynmskr]

Sorry, I am new here, And still figuring out which buttons do which, like the likes, And agreeing, Buttons,