Feeling Overwhelmed

[darkwing70]

I wish you well, darkwing. Expect your wife to not react well to you holding her accountable for poor behavior. Decide to continue expecting better from her regardless of how she reacts. Learn to confront, repeatedly if necessary. If she isn't interested in your opinion of matters in the daytime, I find waking someone from a deep sleep gets their attention quickly.

This is not a game. You are dealing with how you want to be treated for the rest of your life. Expect better. You cannot force someone to treat you better, but you CAN hold them accountable and impose consequences when they don't. It works. Period. If someone is mistreating you and you find that unacceptable, you can try loving them to reality... but that often doesn't work. It often doesn't work with rebellious children, nor does it always work with rebellious mates.

You are absolutely entitled to confront a family member over poor behavior, repeatedly if necessary. You determine what is acceptable behavior, not them.

My wife has changed her behavior considerably over the last year only because I made it very uncomfortable for her when she was disrespectful to me. Some have questioned her motivation: I can't alter her motivation, but in the end it really doesn't matter. What matters is how she treats me. I keep hoping at some point she will treat me well because it's the right thing to do, or because she loves me, rather than because she knows I'll object if she doesn't. But in the end, better treatment is better treatment. I'll let God deal with her about her motivation.

You determind what is acceptable to you in your marriage, not your wife. This is a battle you will win, if you choose to confront and confront consistently. It doesn't matter if she becomes uncomfortable. That's the whole point. Let her know you find her conduct unacceptable. If she's smart or if she loves you, she'll be concerned about how you feel. If she doesn't care, that's all the more reason to confront her and make her life uncomfortable, until perhaps some day she will remember and fulfill her wedding vows to love and respect.

You determine the parameters and boundaries you are willing to accept, not her. If you are not bound by fear of divorce or of starting over with little money, she will have no hold on you. In my opinion, it is better to start over with nothing than to live with a rebellious mate. If I start over now, at some point I may find a respectful wife or I may live alone the rest of my life. Either option is FAR better than living with a disrespectful mate. I've made my decision, and it makes the daily decisions of whether to confront or not so much easier.

I am not bound by fear any longer. I pray you are not either. Only then will you know true freedom, and only then will you have the freedom to battle your wife's rebellion without reservation, which it sounds like what is needed. In my opinion, the best thing you can do for your marriage, your wife, and yourself is to establish more appropriate boundaries for how she is treating you. And stand firm when she begins to sputter. It's okay to be in a heated discussion with someone if that's the only way to get their attention. Lose any guilt about confrontation, and lose any guilt about displaying anger. Both are okay. Jesus displayed both, often.

It doesn't take much reading in the New Testament to realize that the image of Jesus being a wimply, peace-seeking-at-all-costs, pacifist is a total lie. Nor should you and I conform to the lie. Confrontation is okay. Sometimes it is the only way.

It's been a while since I've been here and I've just now read the last couple of posts. It has been a busy summer with the kids and we actually went on our first family vacation in seven years, the first for my two youngest.

We had actually been getting along better lately and my wife has started going to church on Sunday morning. She won't go to the one I've been going to with the kids for the last year because it's charismatic, so she goes to a friend of ours Methodist church. We've actually all been going together and I do like it. I still take the kids to the charismatic (it's a Church of God) on Wednesday nights, I don't make them go they ask me if they can go, which I praise God for. DW doesn't like it, she said today I make them go. I think she's just feeling left out of something that we have that is special, but yet she still has not made the decision to commit her life to Christ. Anyway, she threw out the D word again today over the phone and so I told her to go get a lawyer and hung up on her. We still haven't yet talked about it, we're avoiding each other right now. I'm not sure if I'm over my fear of divorce, but I'm certainly fed up with this and no longer will live like this. What I am concerned the most with is being disobediant to God as he commands us to love our wives as ourselves and to give our lives to them. With fighting and the possibility of divorce it's hard not to feel as though I'm wrong in the Lord's eyes. I fear that I am being selfish by not giving in to her. I know this is wrong but it's a hard thing to deal with, especially when I'm still suffering from depression. I really feel burned out and it's affecting my relationship with the Lord.

I thank you for your support and hope to one day return the kindness.

God Bless you all.

 

[darkwing70]

After I rededicated my life to God last year he delivered me from smoking (I quit cold turkey after 20 years) and he delivered me from anxiety. I no longer fear any of the things that caused my attacks and constant worrying. I still do experience fear and worrying but it doesn't affect me the way it used to. Now I have Jesus to lean on. What I do still suffer from is depression and possibly a mild form of OCD. I pray often to be delivered from this but I am coming to believe that coming out of depression is a process, not an immediate resolution. Depression is a valid medical condition but at least in my case it cannot be cured with medicine. I think it will involve changing the way I deal with things. I tend to hide my feelings and bury my anger instead of dealing with it. What it has resulted in is a wall in my head to block out most of my feelings. Now I can't get past the wall. I'm sure a lot of this is a result of my relationship with my wife, who I've always given in to and let her get her way. Otherwise she tells me all the bad things I've done to her. I've never done anything bad to her, in fact I think I've enabled her to become spoiled.

I am going to make changes in this relationship, for better or worse for the marriage. My concern is where is line drawn between regaining my dignity, respect, and authority and actually feeling good about myself again, or becoming a selfish, arrogant jerk.

Sorry, I'm rambling again. I guess writing things down is good therapy. Take care and thank you for your concern.

D

 

[free4all]

We had actually been getting along better lately and my wife has started going to church on Sunday morning.

Good!

she threw out the D word again today over the phone and so I told her to go get a lawyer and hung up on her.

Given your circumstances, I think that was a most excellent response by you. If you stand firm every time she throws out divorce, she'll either quit threatening, or actually go through with it (which I doubt). But if she does want to go through with it, you can't stop her anyway, so why waste your time trying?

I'm not sure if I'm over my fear of divorce, but I'm certainly fed up with this and no longer will live like this.

Keep reminding yourself of this, that you are no longer willing to live as you have been living. You decide what is acceptable for you, not her.

What I am concerned the most with is being disobediant to God as he commands us to love our wives as ourselves and to give our lives to them.

And do you give a spoiled child everything they want? If you give discipline and boundaries, does that mean you don't love them? No, it means you do love them and care about the relationship.

I fear that I am being selfish by not giving in to her.

Giving into her on what? Letting her make every decision in the household? Not taking the kids to a church they like?

I realize I don't know most of the details in your life. But I will say categorically that giving into your wife on every decision, or even major decisions that you feel strongly about, is not the way to a happy marriage.

Still, good call to throw the mention of divorce back to her. Just a thought that you probably won't need--if she initiates a divorce, and especially if she isn't a believer, IMO you are free to remarry. If you initiate a divorce under the circumstances of just a lot of discord, you are probably not so free to remarry. Lots of different views on that subject, but my point is, if she walks away from the marriage, I think you can be free from guilt if you haven't tried to drive her away. Expecting someone to be nice in a marriage, holding them accountable for their poor behavior, and not giving them everything they want, is NOT driving them away IMO.

That's great that you're taking your kids to church, and that you all go as a family also. Good for you for being willing to go to the other church with her, even if it's not your favorite.

I really feel burned out and it's affecting my relationship with the Lord.

Don't quit. Keep following the Lord, and keep leading your family toward God. Those are our two primary missions in life.

 

[free4all]

I'm sure a lot of this is a result of my relationship with my wife, who I've always given in to and let her get her way. Otherwise she tells me all the bad things I've done to her.

Because she's trying to control you through manipulation. She will continue to use this as long as it works. It will likely take some forceful arguments on your part to make her uncomfortable enough to stop trying this. It's okay to be verbally forceful to someone, especially a self-centered person who is trying to use manipulation to get their way. You can try being calm and steadfast... that may work. But if it doesn't, don't beat yourself up if you end up in an argument with her.

I've never done anything bad to her, in fact I think I've enabled her to become spoiled.

That's why she'll fight you for control of the relationship--she likes being in charge. She will be angry with you if you try to change the balance of power. One interpretation of Genesis 3:16 is that part of the curse of sin for the woman is that she will try to control her husband, but that he will rule over her. I'm not saying all women actively do this, but IMO a woman who hasn't submitted to God in her life will be more prone to this than a woman who has. If a woman is rebellious to God's authority, she is also likely to be rebellious to her husband's authority.

I am going to make changes in this relationship, for better or worse for the marriage.

Good for you. I am glad you are not making the avoidance of divorce your primary goal. Our primary goal should be to live lives pleasing to God. Sometimes that invites conflict because of the sinful nature of those around us who do not want to live as God desires.

My concern is where is line drawn between regaining my dignity, respect, and authority and actually feeling good about myself again, or becoming a selfish, arrogant jerk.

If you decide to stay in this fight, you will have plenty of opportunities to learn where to draw the line. It's not the end of the world if you feel you went overboard a bit here and there. It's no big deal if you don't get it right the first time, or the first 20 times. If she wants to fight you for control, and you decide you won't stand for that, you'll have plenty of opportunities to learn how to respond with dignity, respect, etc. Feeling good will come eventually because you have decided to take your rightful place as spiritual head of the household. No one can take that away from you. You can give it away, but no one can take it from you without your permission.

Sorry, I'm rambling again. I guess writing things down is good therapy.

It's good therapy for me, too. In the past, I would write for pages and pages without stopping. Do whatever it takes. There are plenty of pages if you need to ramble more.

A couple final observations:
1. You will most likely have a fight on your hands because your wife wants to be in control. She will not likely give up control easily unless she opens her heart to God and His ways.
2. You determine the direction of your family, if you are willing. She can decide if she wants to come along, but you decide the direction.
3. If she wants to fight you for control, you will win if you choose to and are not willing to acquiesce.
4. If she doesn't want to be married to you unless she is in charge, IMO you're better off not being married to her, regardless of the fallout. And I speak from experience.

Good for you for deciding you don't want to live the way you've been living. If you follow through, your entire family will benefit.

 

[Digit]

I've been reading this forum for a few months now trying to work up the courage to submit this post. I was saved in 1991 but did not stick with the Lord and after I joined the army in 1993 I was no longer walking with him and had returned to a sinful lifestyle. I woman I married grew up as a Catholic but is not saved and hasn't attended any church since we've been married. We married in 1996 and have three children. I have suffered from mild depression since 1997, but last year the depression worsened and I began to suffer from anxiety problems as well. This resulted in conviction from the Holy Spirit and I repented of my backslidden state and very rapidly changed my life. This did not go over well with my wife and for the first few months she hated me. We fought and she would tell me she hated me, curse me, she told me she wanted me to leave and that she wanted a divorce. This has gotten somewhat better. It took a few months but I have been taking my children to church every Sunday and my 11 year old son is very receptive and I believe he may be close to salvation. I have prayed constantly for my wife over the last year and it seems as though she has really softened up lately, but last night after a relatively mild argument she said she still wanted a divorce. She never has filed and it seems as though she only says it to hurt me. I do love her and do not want to put all of us through the devastation of a divorce. She says these things in front of the children and has my oldest scared to death. I am still suffering from depression and really need to see a Christian counselor but that is another discussion altogether, but this situation is only compounding my depression and I'm really feeling as though this is all my fault, which because I married her in a backslidden state, it really is. I don't really know what I'm searching for from anyone reading this, but I don't really have any Christian friends or relatives that I can confide in.

May the Lord richly bless you all.

Don

Hey Darkwing (Darkwing Duck?)

Sorry to hear that you are having some issues. It sounds like your wife is just using the whole divorce remark as a sort of argument ender, or something to make her feel like she is in the right in a sense. By making a big statement like that, it suggests a sort of trump-card mentality. Like, "Oh yeah ,well I want a divorce!" sort of thing.

I don't feel it's out of line for you to ask her not to mention it around the children, because really (and I know this as a child of divorce) it has a huge impact on them, and if she cares for them she will want what is best for them.

It will greatly help your cause if you can remain calm and courteous throughout any arguments or disagreements, if you do this already then great, I'm just saying again from experience that getting worked up will only exaccerbate things.

All the best,
Digit

 

[darkwing70]

Hey Darkwing (Darkwing Duck?)

Sorry to hear that you are having some issues. It sounds like your wife is just using the whole divorce remark as a sort of argument ender, or something to make her feel like she is in the right in a sense. By making a big statement like that, it suggests a sort of trump-card mentality. Like, "Oh yeah ,well I want a divorce!" sort of thing.

I don't feel it's out of line for you to ask her not to mention it around the children, because really (and I know this as a child of divorce) it has a huge impact on them, and if she cares for them she will want what is best for them.

It will greatly help your cause if you can remain calm and courteous throughout any arguments or disagreements, if you do this already then great, I'm just saying again from experience that getting worked up will only exaccerbate things.

All the best,
Digit

Today she asked me if I was going to contest the divorce when she files. She says she is going to file. I don't even know what to do. Should I get a lawyer? I don't have any savings and really can't afford one, but I will be fighting for joint custody of my kids. I really need some prayer and guidance.

 

[darkwing70]

I have a question to ask. My wife professes to be Catholic and that is one of the problems we face. I don't have any reason to believe she is saved, in fact, I don't think she believes she needs to be saved. But I have issues with Catholicism. I don't mean to offend any Catholics, but I truly believe it is a false religion based on lots of studying I've done and my gut feeling about it. Anyway, my question is if she leaves because we can't agree about Catholicism, is that the same thing that Paul wrote in I Corthinthians Chapter 7 about an unbelieving wife leaving?

Something that really bothers me is this. Right now all I can think about is the damage this is going to cause to our children and the financial impact this will have on all of us. I don't really feel so much that I'm losing her. Maybe it will hit me later, but I kind of feel like a monster that I'm more worried about money and who's going to get custody of the kids and all that instead of being hurt because I'm losing my wife. How can I feel like this when I'm supposed to be filled with the Love of God? I'm also trying real hard to trust God to take care of me and my family through this, but I'm still feeling a lot of fear and sadness.

 

[maxiii]

So sorry for your pain. You have done the first right thing by coming here. You will find hope in community. I am 6 and 1/2 years in a terrible unequally yoked situation but the Lord has used it for the good in my walk with Him. How is your support network? Do you have a mentor to disciple you? Are you in a small group? There is a great ministry that can really help you

www.newlife.com

They use the bible to help people like me and you deal in the real world.

You can email me and I will help you in anyway that I can.

You have believers, the Bible and God, it won't seem like it but you will be more than ok.

 

[Pepperoni]

I have a question to ask. My wife professes to be Catholic and that is one of the problems we face. I don't have any reason to believe she is saved, in fact, I don't think she believes she needs to be saved. But I have issues with Catholicism.

Me too.

I don't mean to offend any Catholics, but I truly believe it is a false religion based on lots of studying I've done and my gut feeling about it.

Roman Catholicism is a works-based religion, which is contrary to everything taught in the New Testament regarding grace. It is based on the notion that you can get into Heaven by being good enough, although the Bible clearly states that ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

Anyway, my question is if she leaves because we can't agree about Catholicism, is that the same thing that Paul wrote in I Corthinthians Chapter 7 about an unbelieving wife leaving?

In my opinion, yes.

Something that really bothers me is this. Right now all I can think about is the damage this is going to cause to our children and the financial impact this will have on all of us. I don't really feel so much that I'm losing her. Maybe it will hit me later, but I kind of feel like a monster that I'm more worried about money and who's going to get custody of the kids and all that instead of being hurt because I'm losing my wife. How can I feel like this when I'm supposed to be filled with the Love of God? I'm also trying real hard to trust God to take care of me and my family through this, but I'm still feeling a lot of fear and sadness.

This may vary by state . . . but if she files, the majority of the financial burden is on her.

Regardless, I think you're right to be concerned about your financial position, and especially the kids' welfare. Since you just found this out, your feelings about your wife and the impending divorce may change over time. She may even change her mind when she finds out what all is involved, or what she may or may not be entitled to. This happens often.

I'm sorry to hear things have sunk to this level though. Praying for you.

 

[free4all]

Today she asked me if I was going to contest the divorce when she files. She says she is going to file. I don't even know what to do. Should I get a lawyer?

Absolutely get a lawyer, and the sooner the better. Why does she want to know if you are going to contest it? Is she just trying to gauge your reaction?

I don't have any savings and really can't afford one, but I will be fighting for joint custody of my kids.

You can't afford NOT to have legal representation.

I have a question to ask. My wife professes to be Catholic and that is one of the problems we face. I don't have any reason to believe she is saved, in fact, I don't think she believes she needs to be saved... Anyway, my question is if she leaves because we can't agree about Catholicism, is that the same thing that Paul wrote in I Corthinthians Chapter 7 about an unbelieving wife leaving?

Church membership doesn't save a person. If she's not a Christian, regardless of what church she prefers, and she leaves the marriage, that fits the description of what Paul was talking about.

Something that really bothers me is this. Right now all I can think about is the damage this is going to cause to our children and the financial impact this will have on all of us. I don't really feel so much that I'm losing her. Maybe it will hit me later, but I kind of feel like a monster that I'm more worried about money and who's going to get custody of the kids and all that instead of being hurt because I'm losing my wife. How can I feel like this when I'm supposed to be filled with the Love of God?

Forget about how you think you are "supposed" to feel. What your wife is threatening you with is traumatizing. You are correct to be concerned about the custody issues with the kids and the financial impact of divorce.

If your wife has firmly decided to leave, you've lost her already. Frankly, if she plans to leave, you might as well let her go. Actually, when an unbelieving mate leaves, the Bible tells the saved person to let the other one go. It's a command, not a suggestion. If she has firmly decided to go through with the divorce, there is probably very little you can do to change her mind. In that case, you need to prepare legally for it. On the other hand, she may just be threatening divorce to see your reaction. That's a poor way to manage a relationship, in my opinion. I think the best way to counter that is to agree that if she files, you will agree to the divorce. That doesn't mean you will accept everything she may put in the divorce papers. Absolutely get a lawyer, and sign nothing until you've had plenty of time to go over it with your lawyer.

Whether your wife is bluffing or not, you need legal advice. If she's bluffing now, you still need to know where you stand legally in case she tries this again. You can see a lawyer and find out your options without making any firm decisions. If she's not bluffing, you need a lawyer in the worst way. Your only other option is to capitulate and give her exactly what she wants in every circumstance. That's not how marriage was designed to be. That's slavery. You don't want that.

Forget about the cost of a lawyer. Find a way to pay for one. It's cheaper to pay for one upfront than going to court with no lawyer and getting an unfair judgment held against you for years to come. I urge you to see a lawyer at the earliest opportunity. Make the opportunity. If I were you, I would research lawyers tonight, and make calls in the morning.

I've heard it said that divorce is hard on children. I've also heard it said that so are some marriages. I know you don't want a divorce, but if your wife insists on a divorce, your desire to stay married to her is irrelevant. If she goes through with a divorce, it may be that someday you will meet and marry a Christian woman who is willing to seek the Lord with her whole heart. What I'm trying to say is that although divorce is painful for all involved, it's not the end of the world. There is life after divorce... sometimes a much better life than before the divorce. Try to keep that in perspective. There is life after divorce.

I'm sorry you are faced with this, but you must take action now. It is not enough to pray and hope things work out. You MUST take action. God may be trying to help you get a great custody arrangement, but you could lose it if you don't seek competent counsel. It may be your wife is bluffing to see if you'll come crawling to her asking her to stay. In all cases, I urge you to seek a lawyer now. Your wife does not have your best interests at heart. You must protect yourself, and also fight for a proper custody arrangement for you and your kids. Do not depend on your wife's mercy or the mercy of her lawyer. I don't think you'll get any from either of them.

Divorce may not happen, but you need to prepare for it like it is coming soon.

 

[Digit]

I have a question to ask. My wife professes to be Catholic and that is one of the problems we face. I don't have any reason to believe she is saved, in fact, I don't think she believes she needs to be saved. But I have issues with Catholicism. I don't mean to offend any Catholics, but I truly believe it is a false religion based on lots of studying I've done and my gut feeling about it. Anyway, my question is if she leaves because we can't agree about Catholicism, is that the same thing that Paul wrote in I Corthinthians Chapter 7 about an unbelieving wife leaving?

Something that really bothers me is this. Right now all I can think about is the damage this is going to cause to our children and the financial impact this will have on all of us. I don't really feel so much that I'm losing her. Maybe it will hit me later, but I kind of feel like a monster that I'm more worried about money and who's going to get custody of the kids and all that instead of being hurt because I'm losing my wife. How can I feel like this when I'm supposed to be filled with the Love of God? I'm also trying real hard to trust God to take care of me and my family through this, but I'm still feeling a lot of fear and sadness.

Heya Darkwing,

I think something to consider first is that the love of the Bible is agape, it's a self-sacrificing love, it's not a fuzzy-warm feeling you have for someone. So In that regard, you are showing compassion for your children and the damage this will do to them and are worried about the financial strain.

It's hard to feel agape for your wife at this stage I am sure, but my feeling is that you should fight for your marriage. You both made vows when you were married, and God doesn't demand any promises from us, He never asks us to promise not to sin, or anything like that. Marriage vows either mean something, or they don't. I guess the question is that when you both took your vows, were you lying, or weren't you? And do you feel comfortable with the notion of lying to our Father? Sorry if that sounds harsh, yet I feel it's the clearest way to put it, and I am by no means pointing fingers or anything like that, I just want to focus on these things, as they are valid questions you can bring up with your wife.

I hear what you are saying about being unsure whether she is saved or not, and that would also be a major concern because if she feels no compulsion or conviction from God about these things, then she will be using manmade logic to justify her decision, instead of taking it to God.

I may have missed it, but what are her reasons for wanting to get divorced, if that's ok to ask?

God bless,
Digit

 

[cory533]

get a lawyer. call her bluff. if she is unsaved and you are uY then yes you must let her go. (IMO you can be saved and be Catholic but it's not automatic.) that does not mean you cannot pray and work for healing in the marriage. But if she leaves it is not on you. By getting a lawyer you protect your rights and you may cause her to rethink the idea. When a guy I know went through this he went to several attorneys found out that he could attatch some of her assets and that he was in a strong position. he "accidently" left a divorce lawyers card where his wife found it. they talked and she found out how it could go against her and she backed down. their marriage is still rocky but they do alright. Also beware that she may try to set you up. In my state it is common to see false abuse charges,attempts to set the guy up with another woman, or other similar games to get an advantage in court some attorneys seem to promote this. Make sure you hold your temper and behave honorably at all times no matter what.

 

[free4all]

get a lawyer. call her bluff. if she is unsaved and you are uY then yes you must let her go. (IMO you can be saved and be Catholic but it's not automatic.) that does not mean you cannot pray and work for healing in the marriage. But if she leaves it is not on you. By getting a lawyer you protect your rights and you may cause her to rethink the idea. When a guy I know went through this he went to several attorneys found out that he could attatch some of her assets and that he was in a strong position. he "accidently" left a divorce lawyers card where his wife found it. they talked and she found out how it could go against her and she backed down. their marriage is still rocky but they do alright. Also beware that she may try to set you up. In my state it is common to see false abuse charges,attempts to set the guy up with another woman, or other similar games to get an advantage in court some attorneys seem to promote this. Make sure you hold your temper and behave honorably at all times no matter what.

Don,

Cory summed it all up perfectly. I'll second the caution to beware of false charges. Cory's advice is right on. Just because you try to protect yourself with a lawyer doesn't mean you can't continue working on the marriage. As he said, it might even help.

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing and hope it all gets better.

 

[darkwing70]

Heya Darkwing,

I think something to consider first is that the love of the Bible is agape, it's a self-sacrificing love, it's not a fuzzy-warm feeling you have for someone. So In that regard, you are showing compassion for your children and the damage this will do to them and are worried about the financial strain.

It's hard to feel agape for your wife at this stage I am sure, but my feeling is that you should fight for your marriage. You both made vows when you were married, and God doesn't demand any promises from us, He never asks us to promise not to sin, or anything like that. Marriage vows either mean something, or they don't. I guess the question is that when you both took your vows, were you lying, or weren't you? And do you feel comfortable with the notion of lying to our Father? Sorry if that sounds harsh, yet I feel it's the clearest way to put it, and I am by no means pointing fingers or anything like that, I just want to focus on these things, as they are valid questions you can bring up with your wife.

I hear what you are saying about being unsure whether she is saved or not, and that would also be a major concern because if she feels no compulsion or conviction from God about these things, then she will be using manmade logic to justify her decision, instead of taking it to God.

I may have missed it, but what are her reasons for wanting to get divorced, if that's ok to ask?

God bless,
Digit

In regards to your question about whether I meant my marriage vows, the the answer is yes I did. I do not want a divorce and have been struggling to save my marriage for over a year. She does not like the church I go to and is trying to get me to leave it completely. I have agreed to try to find a church that we can both agree on and I thought we had found one. We all go to the same church on Sunday morning. On Wednesday I go to the church she doesn't like and my kids love it so they go with me. She has become very hostile to this and it seems as though this is the breaking point. She keeps throwing all kinds of things in my face and tells me I judge her all the time. I don't judge her and when I ask her how I do or what I say she cannot give me an answer. She twists everything I say and makes me feel as though I am just some kind of thoughtless monster. I can't take it anymore. I know I can't let a church come between my marriage, she comes before the church, but God is ultimately first and I don't think it really matters what church I go to, she will always resent my walk with the Lord. It has come to the point where I feel my walk with God is suffering and that I am not serving him as well as I should because of her.

I told her again last night that I was a born again believer in Jesus and always would be. I asked her point blank if she was. She just looked at me. The bible says we will know whether someone belongs to the Lord by the fruit they bear. There is no fruit. I know she has not been saved. She professes to be Catholic but in the 12 years I have had a relationship with her the only time she has gone to a Catholic service was for funerals.

She is saying that I disrespect her because I am against Catholicism and I don't want my children being raised Catholic. While this may seem true on the surface I have never bashed her or the Catholic religion, I have only stated to her my reasons why I don't believe in it. In this case I must stand for the Lord and his Word. I cannot compromise God's word even for my marriage. I have never called my wife a name or cursed at her at any time. I have never said anything degrading to her, yet there are many times she has called me names and cursed me. She offers no apologies for this, but expects me to apologize for every little thing she doesn't agree with me on.

I have been praying daily for her and for our marriage. It just seems as though she just wants out. If this is the case I can't stop her, in fact, I'm supposed to let her go. If it was just me a her it wouldn't be so hard to deal with, but we have three kids and it is tearing me up to think what will happen to them if she does file for divorce.

 

[free4all]

there are many times she has called me names and cursed me. She offers no apologies for this, but expects me to apologize for every little thing she doesn't agree with me on.

Just want you to know you are not alone on this issue. Unfortunately, I understand this type of behavior perfectly. (I once thought about starting a group called Falsely Accused Men of Integrity, but the acronym didn't make sense... FAMI???)

Sometimes people who are unhappy with themselves take it out on those closest to them. People like this will never be happy until they get their heart right with God. And until they do, they leave a trail of destruction and hurt behind them, mostly of their own doing.

I know you are praying for her and will continue to pray, regardless of what happens. Some people, especially those who are rebellious and stubborn, refuse to turn to God until their lives are a total wreck. I know it hurts to watch her destroy your family life. I think it may help you to give her over to God totally if you haven't already, and allow Him to get her attention however He chooses. It will be painful, but it will be for her benefit in the end if she will open her heart to Him.

She may need to hit rock bottom before she will look up.

 

[darkwing70]

Just want you to know you are not alone on this issue. Unfortunately, I understand this type of behavior perfectly. (I once thought about starting a group called Falsely Accused Men of Integrity, but the acronym didn't make sense... FAMI???)

Sometimes people who are unhappy with themselves take it out on those closest to them. People like this will never be happy until they get their heart right with God. And until they do, they leave a trail of destruction and hurt behind them, mostly of their own doing.

I know you are praying for her and will continue to pray, regardless of what happens. Some people, especially those who are rebellious and stubborn, refuse to turn to God until their lives are a total wreck. I know it hurts to watch her destroy your family life. I think it may help you to give her over to God totally if you haven't already, and allow Him to get her attention however He chooses. It will be painful, but it will be for her benefit in the end if she will open her heart to Him.

She may need to hit rock bottom before she will look up.

How do I give her over to God? I have asked God to take over this whole situation and just lead me in the direction to go. My nerves are so frayed right now I can barely concentrate on anything. Even prayer is hard. I feel as though the devil is slamming me right now with a bunch of guilt and worthlessness thoughts. I feel like a failure. This is one of those times where it feels as though the Lord is far away. I am trying very hard to stand on God's word that he will never leave me nor forsake me, but the devil is trying to make me feel like I've failed God by screwing up my marriage and that he is punishing me. I don't believe this but the struggle is real and very difficult. I really need someone to talk to but I don't have anyone close to me that is a Christian. I know I must reach out but that will probably cause more friction in the marriage.

 

[Digit]

How do I give her over to God? I have asked God to take over this whole situation and just lead me in the direction to go. My nerves are so frayed right now I can barely concentrate on anything. Even prayer is hard. I feel as though the devil is slamming me right now with a bunch of guilt and worthlessness thoughts. I feel like a failure. This is one of those times where it feels as though the Lord is far away. I am trying very hard to stand on God's word that he will never leave me nor forsake me, but the devil is trying to make me feel like I've failed God by screwing up my marriage and that he is punishing me. I don't believe this but the struggle is real and very difficult. I really need someone to talk to but I don't have anyone close to me that is a Christian. I know I must reach out but that will probably cause more friction in the marriage.

Hey Darkwing,

It takes two to make a marriage work, and three to make a Christian marriage work. I'm sorry for your hard times, I wish I could flick a 'FixIt!' switch and correct it all for you, but alas, I have no switch... Remember that there is more than just you in the marriage and you will not hold the sole responsibility for it. Can you go to a church and talk to a pastor there about this? Your family or any friends?

Your prayers don't need to be long eloquent poems ya' know, sometimes just, "God, help me..." is enough. Don't be frazzled if you can't juggle all the balls life is throwing at you. Just take it one step at a time, and make progress, rather than try and do everything and end up doing nothing.

I guess that probably doesn't help a great deal, but you are far closer to the situation than I am, and any advice I guess we give is distanced at best. A friend of mine once was having trouble with her husband, and she simly took some time once and wrote down everything that she thought. How she felt and why, what she thought he was thinking, what she wanted, and what she dreamed of. She made it clear she wanted to work things out and she confessed to all the things she had done wrong and apologised, and asked for forgiveness. At the end she simply asked if her husband will take her hand and fight with her for their future together.

Be steadfast. Think with clarity. Think with purpose. God is not the author of confusion.

God's blessings,
Digit

 

[free4all]

How do I give her over to God?

Cease being traumatized by her self-destructive threats and actions leading the marriage toward divorce.

Resolve that, even if she drives the marriage into the ground, you and your children will survive.

Be willing to stand back and let God get her attention, even if it involves great pain coming into her life and all your lives.

Keep your focus in the end state, not the valleys that must come first.

Ask God to get her attention, whatever it takes. Then thank Him for it even if the circumstances seem to get worse.

I have asked God to take over this whole situation and just lead me in the direction to go.

Good. Now when He seems far away, trust that He is still guiding you through your thoughts and perhaps the words of others. You may get a feeling of peace or unease when you hear the words of others. That can guide you in whether to accept or reject their words.

When I was in a similar situation of not knowing what to do, I found greater peace and better results when, if I didn't know whether to act or not, I just did something. That may mean finding someone to talk to, whether it be from your church, a Christian counselor, a lawyer, or a combination.

My nerves are so frayed right now I can barely concentrate on anything. Even prayer is hard.

If all you can do is ask God for help, He will hear you. Now is the time you need to pray the most. It doesn't have to be a great, long, detailed prayer. When I have been in the depths, some of my prayers have consisted only of, "God, help!"

I feel as though the devil is slamming me right now with a bunch of guilt and worthlessness thoughts. I feel like a failure.

It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to destroy it. Remember this.

This is one of those times where it feels as though the Lord is far away. I am trying very hard to stand on God's word that he will never leave me nor forsake me, but the devil is trying to make me feel like I've failed God by screwing up my marriage and that he is punishing me. I don't believe this but the struggle is real and very difficult.

Then get your eyes in the Word and off the devil.

Are you able to fast, even a meal or so?

I really need someone to talk to but I don't have anyone close to me that is a Christian.

Where is your church in all this? How about calling the secretary and asking if anyone can speak to you? It doesn't matter if you don't feel they are "close" to you... that's the purpose of the church, to help those in need. Besides, this is an opportunity for you to develop a close relationship with someone from the church. That's not the purpose of you asking for help, but it's a byproduct.

I know I must reach out but that will probably cause more friction in the marriage.

So what? You have friction already. And why would someone find fault with you seeking help? Wouldn't that expose their impure motives? Does your wife ask your permission for everyone she speaks with? You do not need her permission to seek help from the church.

If you are willing to humble yourself and ask for help from the church, even though you don't know them well, I think you will be very glad you did. This could open the door to great help coming your way. You need Christians to stand beside you in prayer and word during this time. Why would you prefer to try and stand alone?

And why would you give your wife veto power over you asking for help? Is your spiritual health important enough for you to seek help? If so, then do it regardless of whether she likes it or not. Does she tell you everywhere she goes at night or in the daytime? If not, then you are not under obligation to tell her where you are going. You don't have to tell her you are going to the church for help. You can, but you are not obligated to, unless she tells you 100% of the time where she goes when she goes out, and then only if you feel peace about telling her.

Do you want help, or do you want to go through this alone? The church is there to help. If for some reason you don't get help from them, try another church. I recommend you start with the one you are attending on Wednesday night since you feel most comfortable there.

It's your decision on whether and where to get help, not hers.

 

[Digit]

What he said. ^^



Digit

 

[darkwing70]

Well, she hasn't filed for divorce. Her attitude comes across as "you do your thing, I'll do mine." But at the same time things go along as normal, except we seem to be more distant. I know this is partly my fault, because I'm not making any effort to improve the situation. It doesn't matter what I say anyway, to me she doesn't seem to care about my or my feelings at all while at the same time accusing me of the same thing.

We have been going to a Methodist church on Sunday mornings as a family for the last month. Remember, she's Catholic so to her this is a major compromise. I personally don't like to get hung up on denominations as long as they teach biblically sound doctrine. I've actually grown to like this church and would be happy there. They don't have a Wednesday night service or bible study so I've been continuing to go to my old church, which is Pentecostal, for Wednesday night service. This is a quote from her that I got regarding me going to my old church: "I still don’t agree with you going weekly to Your Church – to me it takes away from the family religious values and teaching; however, you are going to do what you want so I could accept/deal with it – just not with the children." We've never established any family religious values and teaching, I've been the only one to take the kids to church until just a month ago. I certainly don't understand how me going to a different church is taking away from that anyway. There are clearly some differences in our beliefs. She wrote me this after I told her that the reason that I go on Wednesday is because it's important to me and brings me peace. To me it seems that she totally disregarded how I feel and instead makes it into something I'm doing wrong for my own selfish reasons.

There are times when I resent her very much and wish that I could be free of this. But as much frustration, anger, and hurt I feel over this whole situation, I believe the Lord is telling me to hold on and wait on him. I just need to learn how to cope with this better. Please pray for my wife and that he will soften her heart. Also please pray for my children.

God Bless,

Don