Feeling Evil

[anna ~ grace]

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[FireDragon76]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

I feel that way too (not the suicide bit). I think everybody with a conscience does, at times.

Even Dietrich Bonhoeffer felt that way, he wrote about it in a poem, "Who am I?" People were moved by how he conducted himself in prison before his death but he felt like a hypocrite. And he ends the poem "You God know me".

Have faith that God accepts you, even if you find yourself unacceptable. Even give yourself permission to just be your own best friend.

 

[throughfiierytrial]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

I am so sorry to hear or rather read this. The only explanation I can offer is that you/we all have a sinful nature which wars against the Spirit who is within us when we become Christians. The Apostle Paul speaks of such warrings within us in Romans 7:7-25...please read this section, it may put you more at ease by giving you assurance you are on the right path...provided you are on the right path in practicing your faith.
1 John 3:20-21 tells us also in a round about way that a Christians heart can condemn them at times and wrongly so. It will take training in the Word of God to counterman such thoughts...both the evil thoughts and the feelings of being apart from God, for God works in us through His Word.
I think you can take heart that you are not acting on your evil thoughts and can gain confidence in the Lord from this; see James 1:14-16:
But each person is tempted when he is dragged away and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin. And sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death. -EHV
From what you have written you are resisting those evil thoughts known to all mankind. I am sure if you continue to pray and read the Word and put into practice that which you read you will drown out the "old Adam". We are told to live by the Spirit which is love. Practice lots of love in your life.
We can pray David's psalm...Psalm 51 and see especially verses 9-12 as follows...
Hide your face from my sins.
Erase all my guilty deeds.
Create in me a pure heart, O God.
Renew an unwavering spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence.
Do not take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation.
Sustain me with a willing spirit. -EHV

As Christians we face three mighty foes...our sinful nature (old Adam), the love of the world and Satan, our accuser. Some of these negative thoughts are from Satan. Never harm yourself! You are loved and needed by the Body of Christ and God has special work for each member of His Body. I will be praying for you.

 

[Josephus]

That feeling when it feels like you're talking to a brick wall. That moment that lasts and lingers that all of this isn't real. That somehow maybe it's all fake. Like, you wonder... just wonder if its all a sham.

It's normal. And part of G-ds design when he created this world. You're not alone. After all, the test is nearly universal to most of us here. Think about it: the ultimate test prepares us for the ultimate reward. This test (lack of faith in its being real) is designed to bring you to the darkest of the darkest depths, in order to draw G-d's godly light to the surface. When you pray, when you've got this nagging nag of a thought that this faith you have/had is not real and you're just making up stuff - that's G-d allowing the Adversary to push you to the limit in order to draw out from you the godly spark of faith which totally draws you closer to G-d, even though you can't see him, hear him, feel him, or get any kind of sense that G-d even exists. The mere act of praying in the darkness, is the pass. The fact that you heard about Him, then pray to Him, even though you've completely forgotten where you where or came before before you were born - as if you have this total amnesia to the real reality that lies outside of this life - is proof that this is a test.

It's a test that is so real, so...incredible - did you know you have unique godly sparks that are all yours to draw up from within this dark world to the glory of G-d? You've uncovered and drawn up quite a few already! The rejoicing of G-d and angels, and the saints that have gone before you who have drawn up their sparks, is waiting for you, but only when you've accomplished all that G-d sent you here for. Trust me, you don't want to be lacking in bringing any of that kind of bling to the party.

Some of the brightest, most beautiful, most longed-for sparks are those where the darkness is the greatest. Each moment, each prayer, each time you do something contrary to how this test is designed to get you to fail and give up, is a spark that you've been destined to uncover and lift up. It's the ultimate reality game. Except it's golden sparks of holiness that you're gathering, which even the most stalwart and brave of the angels tremble and shudder to grasp lest they get burned by its brightness. And you uncover them daily.

Welcome to This Life; this test. It's not light from light, it's light from darkness. The bible hinted at this from the very beginning. The ability to transform chaos and formlessness, a deep darkness, into light. Wow. What a job. What a story you must already have, and what a story lays in front of you. You get to be partners with G-d in His story!

Your job is to overcome the multiple obstacles and challenges to faith in the unknown, the unseen, the invisible, the barely perceptible (and it is perceptible, but only just - since even multiple daily miracles that G-d enacts to keep you alive moment to moment that you don't even known about, all seem to have a natural albeit coincidental explanation anyways). He never gives us a test we can't pass. Though we have the choice to give up. But giving up doesn't prepare us for anything. Here's hoping you draw the light you are destined to bring up out from the darkness, and thus prepare your vessel to receive the greatest reward in the World to Come, His Godly light which He has created for you to receive... with you so prepared by your journey that you don't shatter from its brightness and total awesomeness.

We're in this together. Like all vessels, there's stretching that is required to get us ready to receive what He has for us. That's what testing does. I encourage you to keep drawing up those sparks. Pray in the darkness. If only we could hear the color of reunification each spark makes when it rejoins Heaven, and the totally hysterical heavenly celebration that takes place for eons in response. I hope to see you and rejoice with you on the other side of this life when your work is done, spark-gatherer.

Shalom (peace)

Josephus

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Feelings are very often an illusion. Sometimes it doesn't matter what we feel; it doesn't change reality. I offer 1 John 3:20. In the King James, it reads, "For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things."

 

[LoricaLady]

Many of us wander onto the wrong forum at times. This forum is for persecuted believers. A moderator may move this string to the Prayer Wall.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Many of us wander onto the wrong forum at times. This forum is for persecuted believers. A moderator may move this string to the Prayer Wall.

Thank you, I hadn't caught what forum it's in. We'll have to go through the correct protocol to move it to the proper forum.

 

[Artra]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

Remember Proverbs 9:10 and Luke 18, and please don't give up heart. I see a light illuminating darkness in your OP, as long as the light is there there will always be hope for change.

 

[Calvin_1985]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.[/QUOT

You've gotta lay your life down and Believe that Jesus is the way, that he is where your Salvation is from you sin. Whatever it is holding you back will come to light if you ask The Lord to show. Salvation isn't about avoiding eternal consequences alone, but turning from the life you've been living and the god of your heart being cast down so that you can pick up the cross with a new heart. Start reading the Bible in conjunction with your prayer and surrender your life to Jesus.

 

[HenSoma-OneBody]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

Without question, you are crying out from deep within your soul. I am sure you already know that walking with Jesus can become difficult at times, and yet I am confident that you have experienced His love, joy, and peace as well. Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). The great thing is that you are never alone once you have a personal relationship with the Lord.

You may remember when Nicodemus came to visit Jesus. He said to Jesus, “Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the signs You are doing if God were not with him.” Jesus replied, “Truly, truly, I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” “How can a man be born when he is old?” Nicodemus asked. “Can he enter his mother’s womb a second time to be born?” Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh is born of flesh, but spirit is born of the Spirit. Do not be amazed that I said, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes. You hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit” (John 3:2-6).

You see, before Nicodemus could finish his thought Jesus immediately began to share spiritual matters instead of having an intellectual conversation about how it was that He could perform miracles. Jesus got straight to the point stating, “You must be born again to see the kingdom of God!” The kingdom of God is not some far off place; it is a spiritual realm all around us, everywhere. Yet, it is completely invisible to everyone who has not been spiritually reborn, born again. However, once one does become born again the Spirit of God comes to indwell that person forevermore. The Holy Spirit is there to love, comfort, guide, teach, and so much more.

Just as with Nicodemus, the religious people of today cannot understand or see the true kingdom of God for they have not been spiritually reborn. “How can this be?” Nicodemus asked. “You are Israel’s teacher,” said Jesus, “and you do not understand these things? Truly, truly, I tell you, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, and yet you people do not accept our testimony. If I have told you about earthly things and you do not believe, how will you believe if I tell you about heavenly things? No one has ascended into heaven except the One who descended from heaven—the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in Him may have eternal life” (John 3:7-15).

Hence, once you become born again you will understand the kingdom of God and experience a new life in Christ. Not a life to be understood by others who have not been spiritually reborn, but instead only understood by those who have the Holy Spirit living within them to give them this understanding.

I am praying for you and already know that the Lord is seeking a deep relationship with you. God bless you, Steve.

 

[Gregory95]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

Here for you brother sending pm

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

God always gives us a blank slate to work with. He wipes away our sin when we repent and turn away from it. Consider this clean slate as a start in a new direction. With the power of the Holy Spirit through our Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth. What man can not do God can do. Forgive.
Blessings

 

[Invalidusername]

I am experiencing the same thing but it's been getting better because I am working on my faith that God can change me inside and out. I suggest you do the same. God only rewards faith and never rewards us doing it on our own efforts. We must believe and trust that God rewards those who diligently seek Him.

 

[Anthony2019]

You do not need to be afraid of God and you do not need to be afraid of yourself.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

He is your Heavenly Father and loves you with a perfect love. Come to Him in confidence that He is deeply interested in you and does not want you to be afraid.

However unworthy you may feel, remember you will always be the apple of his eye.

 

[paul becke]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

That 'front' that you are 'putting up' is the real YOU ; not 'this monster inside'. The fact that you want to identify with the real YOU in Christ, your will to be wholly Christ's brother, worthy of him insofar as that is possible, may not seem triumphant to you now, but persevere, and your reward will be beyond imagining. But you must take one day, indeed, one moment at a time.

Thinking about your prayer to the Holy Spirit that you make every day and your feeling that it's all been in vain, reminds me of the old hill-billy Gramps in William Faulkner's novel, As I Lay Dying, who exclaimed to the family : 'Whom the Lord loveth, He chastiseth. But he sure do have a funny way of showing it !'

 

[paul becke]

I'm not going to commit suicide. I just hate how my mind tells me these things that are unholy. I do give my heart to Christ. I choose good. It's just a nagging thought that the real me is a bad guy and I'm "faking it to make it".

Rather ironical, really, since it's the devil faking it. He's not called the Accuser for nothing. Apparently, etymologically, the word 'satan' means 'accuser'.

 

[Mark Dohle]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

What we have to offer the Lord is 'our monster inside', we all have it, it is part of our brokenness, we carry much of our past with us, even if we are not always aware of it. When we draw closer to the Lord, he allows us to see our need for grace, as well to be thankful for the gift of salvation that is freely given to us.

All my life I have struggled with deep anger, that flows from being very young. Violent images, etc. Yet by God's grace, here I am 70 and his grace has slowly healed me of many wounds. It is my thorn in my side, to let me know that I am need of His grace at all times.

God uses us to help others through our gifts. He reaches us by our weaknesses and yes, even our sins. Walk on the water, in the storm look to Jesus. When you start to sink, Jesus will lift you up.

Trust is a choice, not a feeling. Your feelings, emotions, and level of faith do not in any way stop the flow of grace, hence the need to trust and to look to Jesus and not oneself. This also leads to compassion for others who struggle the way you do. We are all member of a royal priesthood, so pray for those who are like you, and ask that they be healed, as even you are being healed now, even if you do not feel it. To make an act of trust in Jesus love for you is part of that healing. It frees you from your self-concern.

Peace
mark

 

[Benjamin Gibbs]

Bro, God has started a good work in you. He will be faithful to complete it. Give him your heart, mind and soul. Even if you cannot now, you will because it is He who is working in you. You’re not who you were. You are a child of God. God will not let you down. Blessings

 

[Benjamin Gibbs]

When I was young I went to this bible study and ..short it.. all they did was say.. do you want the holy Spirit? I said yes. they read some verses.. then asked me again and prayed for me. Stopped and said.. thats it you got it. See they believed if GOD said it HE WILL DO IT!

So..you asked? YOU GOT IT! Ooh YES! See we walk by faith no sight not hearing not FEELING! Paul said.. kind of like you .. the things I want to do I dont do.. what I dont want to do I do. Its no longer I that sin but sin that is in me. Do you see? We ALL have that flesh that monster.

YOU have a new spirit..that is created in righteousness and true holiness. Thats the REAL YOU! Until Christ comes and we are like Him we all battle this flesh. God is greater then your heart! You are in right standing with GOD.. aka RIGHTEOUSNESS! He sees you right now ..holy pure.. sinless THROUGH Christ. But if we sin..we repent and try not to do it again..

He is FOR YOU not against you.. He loves you.. He does NOT judge you nor condemn you. So... I bind the spirit of fear for God has not given you the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind. I bind the spirit of suicide...and speak peace.. joy ...to replace it.. Dont let the enemy lie.. EVERYTHING you say.. is a lie form the enemy. So.... JOY comes in the morning.. You will never be the same..

For HE HAS started a good work in you.. just KNOW HE LOVES YOU! And He is NOT MAD IN ANYWAY.. He forgave you.. we dont forgive our selfs.. know HE DOES! So forgive your self.. something wonderful is about to happen..

Amen

 

[Tomm]

I pray to Jesus everyday and ask Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit but most of the time I feel like I'm putting up a front and I'm truly this monster inside. I'm sick of feeling this way but won't commit suicide from a fear of eternal suffering.

You should start with prayers. Then reflect why you are a monster inside, what caused it. So you should try to avoid all those which are causing it. Build good habits.

Don't think that the saints are born good people, they succeeded by struggling.