Faith Crisis help

[Ajj]

This is pretty long so.. but arguably the most important thing I have struggled with in my life. Please read and answer. Help.

I honestly just keep on being tormented by my faith crisis as I keep getting intrusive thoughts and feelings that my faith is not genuine and that I'm not really saved and thar I'm doing all of this effort just to feel better when in reality I actually was not. I was actually here because I just knew I needed to, I didn't actually feel like it but I still came here to seek help.
The help I want to seek is generally like assurance or affirmations. I'd say I was spiritually lazy, spiritually depressed, apathetic, and even empty which may have caused me my crisis of faith, AFTER I seen a video of the unforgivable sin and someone saying that its when someone rejects convictions that it makes their hearts hard enough to make it impossible to repent.
But I generally did not agree as I believed in once saved always saved as that belief had actually made me repent and run to God because I knew I was saved rather than constantly living in fear and dread thinking if I would reject God or not.
It basically was after I just seen a video of losing salvation. A woman talking about John 15:2 or something like that, the branches of the vine. It was the first time in a long while that I was captivated enough and genuinely curious that I picked my bible up after like a few months of using social media as my bible and for 1 day I was just living as if I were seeking the truth about salvation, still with faith. But then a day after I saw this video the unforgivable sin and I said nahh.. then to learn more I searched it up and there was a man I trusted so much that I didnt bother to fact check him as he had his sources and I dont even focus on his sources. InspiringPhilsophy. He posted a YT short about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and he said that scholars quoted that it was the rejecting of conviction, deliberately staying in sin over time that their hearts harden and make it impossible for them to repent.
But for me, I was told that it meant that it was when someone attributes Jesus's works or miracles to Satan but only when they see it, when they lived in his time and saw HIM do it.
I never thought I was a calvinist, I just did not agree with the predestination stuff because it just seemed wrong to me. I was more like a once saved always saved and repentance was a one time thing which I have experienced. I experienced this regeneration and life of Christ in me that I lived so much more differently, like fruits, all that stuff. But cut to 2-3 years in the future, mid hs sophomore year volleyball season and I find myself just struggling to feel things. Or its when I just started to feel that I was producing the opposite fruits and after about 2-3 months I started questioning myself, also present day right now. After that video I had looked online for possible explanations and just found spiritual apathy, spiritual depression, spiritual laziness, spiritual dryness, and spiritual emptiness. I honestly am not too sure of their causes except for volleyball somehow becoming the main focus in my life but it was a big confusion. So many complicated things that I would literally take a few hours trying to find everything in my journals about what I was going through and perhaps sharing them would be much more efficient.


But. Because of those spiritual problems and mental health issues, I started to cry and decided to throw away all my sinful videos and stuff. I was more aware of the words I said but after that I just started to question my faith. And so I had begun my crisis of faith. So much happened in the past few days that its literally the most important thing I need to focus on. Like more important than life itself kind. It actually made me stop worrying about the world or the stuff in this life in a bad way rather than good way. Bad and good way. But depressed kind bad way.
Because of the video of the guy I trusted explaining the sin I started to see myself, I thought I had repented but that too I had to search up to find its meaning. I thought it was like this one time thing were you change your whole life kind. Instead of changing your mind about the world when God calls you to repent and see how wrong it is.

After that stuff about a day goes by and I think my ocd activates and satan finds me in the most vulnerable and worst time of my life.
Feeling that I had committed the unforgivable sin that I started feeling so inadequate, helpless, and hopeless, no matter what evidence that I did NOT commit the sin was, it was like my ocd or like something just made me emotionally driven to not accept the literal answers and affirmations I got.
I started to go on this mental breakdown and all but I had actually found answers and seemed to be able to listen, I also found through introspection that I may have had heart and so that just kept me motivated to keep searching and looking for help, for answers. But on the next day, at night time, I saw a video on instagram of a bible verse and all I could think to myself was "What if I did not actually believe and have no obligation to spirit?" - The ocd statement and then I started to feel that way. It was like paradoxical almost. Even though I started to feel like I had no worries of the christian worries anymore, I still went to search for answers and for help actually, this was when my crisis of faith took place. This is what it was.
I can recount a different time when I questioned "What if God did not exist?" While I was crying to God out of this depressed confession that I was weak and all and then I stopped crying and stopped feeling like God was there. I couldn't even feel like I could acknowledge him because I just was not able to, like I felt what my ocd had said.

And then well I felt little worry or concern, but I had also faced apathy the day before. (Didnt care that I didnt care) So then you know what I did, I immediately went online searching for other christians and found this website like 2 days ago I think. Even though I didnt feel like I was obligated or like I was a believer, I knew I needed to not give in, to not listen. And so I started questioning if it was ocd or just satans lie and that I believed his lie, it was like I believed that I did not believe, when I didn't actually not believe. It gave me comfort and assurance thinking of it.
But after a while of wrestling I had to go sleep.
Went to sleep. Woke up from my dream feeling rid of distress but I just knew I was not "okay." So I went to see. But my ocd had made it worse, making new possibilities that I wasnt saved and committed the unforgivable sin, and that was when I questioned if I had lost my salvation thinking that I had believed satans lie. Either that or I was just listening to him rather than being convinced. I wasn't truly convinced nor not convinced. I just wanted to find that running back to God was possible, that I would be able to believe again and find out that I'm not condemned.

Now during that day I just felt like I was at the brink of my faith, at the edge of my life, my existence. I felt I had lost it all and was feeling so inadequate but you know what? Even though I didnt feel like God was there, even though I didnt feel like I had any more faith left. I called out to God. I BEGGED him. I BEGGED. I begged him to change my heart, to give me what I need so that I just trust him and listen to him. And after that prayer I got an answer online, telling me that I still had faith through action, and that was enough to motivate me for another day, or rather another couple of hours of searching for answers.

I can show all of it btw.

I had then just started to think of the possibility that it might be ocd. It might be a personality disorder. It could be something. But I started to just actually understand and resonate better with the videos of bible verses I saw online. Sermons and other lessons. I resonated much more better than I had when it was still volleyball season but the thing was that I lost my worries for life.
Life just felt futile and pointless. Its worries and struggles just didnt matter in the face of your spiritual life. That you would eventually have to choose. And you better choose the right option.
But life just felt meaningless when I had my crisis of faith and feeling that I had committed the unforgivable sin. Nothing else mattered. The people mattered its just me. I dont matter anymore if Im just unsavable. But I still knew that was not the case through my actions, through my perseverance.
And it was the next day that there was summer volleyball practice, 2nd to last one. I just decided to go after I felt sorta reconciled. I just went so that I could somehow improve or hinder my symptoms for my depressive attitude towards life. When I got there to practice I just felt kinda lost. But I remembered I was there because I just decided to go there, to try improve my mood as I have also lost my appetite kind of didnt care about life's worries. Instead of not caring about what I eat it was not caring about eating.

But during practice I was trying to not have too much fun even when I really couldnt because I had felt I committed myself to God, something of the sort and after practice I decided to go open gym volleyball with my friend and his family.
About an hour after practice we start warming up and then we start playing but after a while I just started to feel empty and I was unsure as to why I felt that way. It was persistent and constant that eventually I decided to just think about it and I just thought of how I couldnt feel yet called to God, talking to him. I once again talked to God and I prayed to him, "Why do I feel lost?" And then a thought popped up in my head and it was like about how I lived my life with Christ, and then I started thinking about how fulfilling it felt having a relationship with Christ. I immediately started feeling a little more fulfilled after finding this answer and so I felt more better I would say that I was less lethargic.
But now today, or the day after. I feel that I lived my life fulfilled with Christ when I just knew he was a literal living real being and not just some imaginary figure in my head.
Just now as I was writing I imagined myself believing God or even knowing that he was real that I just started to feel like I was changed by him. Like I felt a small change. Thinking about Christ, God being real made me feel like I was on my feet again in our relationship. I could actually feel him. I knew he was alive and then I started to feel my life starting to not be lethargic but rather motivated to live godly. Like my father.
I need faith again. I need faith. I dont want to doubt and I dont want my ocd or anything to make me feel that God isnt real and make my ways of seeing God as futile.
But prayers please. Prayers. I dont want to listen to my ocd or satan. I just want faith to see God as I used to. The one right next to me. My father.
Thank you dearly for reading this. (If you read it all)

 

[Ajj]

This is pretty long so.. but arguably the most important thing I have struggled with in my life. Please read and answer. Help.

I honestly just keep on being tormented by my faith crisis as I keep getting intrusive thoughts and feelings that my faith is not genuine and that I'm not really saved and thar I'm doing all of this effort just to feel better when in reality I actually was not. I was actually here because I just knew I needed to, I didn't actually feel like it but I still came here to seek help.
The help I want to seek is generally like assurance or affirmations. I'd say I was spiritually lazy, spiritually depressed, apathetic, and even empty which may have caused me my crisis of faith, AFTER I seen a video of the unforgivable sin and someone saying that its when someone rejects convictions that it makes their hearts hard enough to make it impossible to repent.
But I generally did not agree as I believed in once saved always saved as that belief had actually made me repent and run to God because I knew I was saved rather than constantly living in fear and dread thinking if I would reject God or not.
It basically was after I just seen a video of losing salvation. A woman talking about John 15:2 or something like that, the branches of the vine. It was the first time in a long while that I was captivated enough and genuinely curious that I picked my bible up after like a few months of using social media as my bible and for 1 day I was just living as if I were seeking the truth about salvation, still with faith. But then a day after I saw this video the unforgivable sin and I said nahh.. then to learn more I searched it up and there was a man I trusted so much that I didnt bother to fact check him as he had his sources and I dont even focus on his sources. InspiringPhilsophy. He posted a YT short about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and he said that scholars quoted that it was the rejecting of conviction, deliberately staying in sin over time that their hearts harden and make it impossible for them to repent.
But for me, I was told that it meant that it was when someone attributes Jesus's works or miracles to Satan but only when they see it, when they lived in his time and saw HIM do it.
I never thought I was a calvinist, I just did not agree with the predestination stuff because it just seemed wrong to me. I was more like a once saved always saved and repentance was a one time thing which I have experienced. I experienced this regeneration and life of Christ in me that I lived so much more differently, like fruits, all that stuff. But cut to 2-3 years in the future, mid hs sophomore year volleyball season and I find myself just struggling to feel things. Or its when I just started to feel that I was producing the opposite fruits and after about 2-3 months I started questioning myself, also present day right now. After that video I had looked online for possible explanations and just found spiritual apathy, spiritual depression, spiritual laziness, spiritual dryness, and spiritual emptiness. I honestly am not too sure of their causes except for volleyball somehow becoming the main focus in my life but it was a big confusion. So many complicated things that I would literally take a few hours trying to find everything in my journals about what I was going through and perhaps sharing them would be much more efficient.


But. Because of those spiritual problems and mental health issues, I started to cry and decided to throw away all my sinful videos and stuff. I was more aware of the words I said but after that I just started to question my faith. And so I had begun my crisis of faith. So much happened in the past few days that its literally the most important thing I need to focus on. Like more important than life itself kind. It actually made me stop worrying about the world or the stuff in this life in a bad way rather than good way. Bad and good way. But depressed kind bad way.
Because of the video of the guy I trusted explaining the sin I started to see myself, I thought I had repented but that too I had to search up to find its meaning. I thought it was like this one time thing were you change your whole life kind. Instead of changing your mind about the world when God calls you to repent and see how wrong it is.

After that stuff about a day goes by and I think my ocd activates and satan finds me in the most vulnerable and worst time of my life.
Feeling that I had committed the unforgivable sin that I started feeling so inadequate, helpless, and hopeless, no matter what evidence that I did NOT commit the sin was, it was like my ocd or like something just made me emotionally driven to not accept the literal answers and affirmations I got.
I started to go on this mental breakdown and all but I had actually found answers and seemed to be able to listen, I also found through introspection that I may have had heart and so that just kept me motivated to keep searching and looking for help, for answers. But on the next day, at night time, I saw a video on instagram of a bible verse and all I could think to myself was "What if I did not actually believe and have no obligation to spirit?" - The ocd statement and then I started to feel that way. It was like paradoxical almost. Even though I started to feel like I had no worries of the christian worries anymore, I still went to search for answers and for help actually, this was when my crisis of faith took place. This is what it was.
I can recount a different time when I questioned "What if God did not exist?" While I was crying to God out of this depressed confession that I was weak and all and then I stopped crying and stopped feeling like God was there. I couldn't even feel like I could acknowledge him because I just was not able to, like I felt what my ocd had said.

And then well I felt little worry or concern, but I had also faced apathy the day before. (Didnt care that I didnt care) So then you know what I did, I immediately went online searching for other christians and found this website like 2 days ago I think. Even though I didnt feel like I was obligated or like I was a believer, I knew I needed to not give in, to not listen. And so I started questioning if it was ocd or just satans lie and that I believed his lie, it was like I believed that I did not believe, when I didn't actually not believe. It gave me comfort and assurance thinking of it.
But after a while of wrestling I had to go sleep.
Went to sleep. Woke up from my dream feeling rid of distress but I just knew I was not "okay." So I went to see. But my ocd had made it worse, making new possibilities that I wasnt saved and committed the unforgivable sin, and that was when I questioned if I had lost my salvation thinking that I had believed satans lie. Either that or I was just listening to him rather than being convinced. I wasn't truly convinced nor not convinced. I just wanted to find that running back to God was possible, that I would be able to believe again and find out that I'm not condemned.

Now during that day I just felt like I was at the brink of my faith, at the edge of my life, my existence. I felt I had lost it all and was feeling so inadequate but you know what? Even though I didnt feel like God was there, even though I didnt feel like I had any more faith left. I called out to God. I BEGGED him. I BEGGED. I begged him to change my heart, to give me what I need so that I just trust him and listen to him. And after that prayer I got an answer online, telling me that I still had faith through action, and that was enough to motivate me for another day, or rather another couple of hours of searching for answers.

I can show all of it btw.

I had then just started to think of the possibility that it might be ocd. It might be a personality disorder. It could be something. But I started to just actually understand and resonate better with the videos of bible verses I saw online. Sermons and other lessons. I resonated much more better than I had when it was still volleyball season but the thing was that I lost my worries for life.
Life just felt futile and pointless. Its worries and struggles just didnt matter in the face of your spiritual life. That you would eventually have to choose. And you better choose the right option.
But life just felt meaningless when I had my crisis of faith and feeling that I had committed the unforgivable sin. Nothing else mattered. The people mattered its just me. I dont matter anymore if Im just unsavable. But I still knew that was not the case through my actions, through my perseverance.
And it was the next day that there was summer volleyball practice, 2nd to last one. I just decided to go after I felt sorta reconciled. I just went so that I could somehow improve or hinder my symptoms for my depressive attitude towards life. When I got there to practice I just felt kinda lost. But I remembered I was there because I just decided to go there, to try improve my mood as I have also lost my appetite kind of didnt care about life's worries. Instead of not caring about what I eat it was not caring about eating.

But during practice I was trying to not have too much fun even when I really couldnt because I had felt I committed myself to God, something of the sort and after practice I decided to go open gym volleyball with my friend and his family.
About an hour after practice we start warming up and then we start playing but after a while I just started to feel empty and I was unsure as to why I felt that way. It was persistent and constant that eventually I decided to just think about it and I just thought of how I couldnt feel yet called to God, talking to him. I once again talked to God and I prayed to him, "Why do I feel lost?" And then a thought popped up in my head and it was like about how I lived my life with Christ, and then I started thinking about how fulfilling it felt having a relationship with Christ. I immediately started feeling a little more fulfilled after finding this answer and so I felt more better I would say that I was less lethargic.
But now today, or the day after. I feel that I lived my life fulfilled with Christ when I just knew he was a literal living real being and not just some imaginary figure in my head.
Just now as I was writing I imagined myself believing God or even knowing that he was real that I just started to feel like I was changed by him. Like I felt a small change. Thinking about Christ, God being real made me feel like I was on my feet again in our relationship. I could actually feel him. I knew he was alive and then I started to feel my life starting to not be lethargic but rather motivated to live godly. Like my father.
I need faith again. I need faith. I dont want to doubt and I dont want my ocd or anything to make me feel that God isnt real and make my ways of seeing God as futile.
But prayers please. Prayers. I dont want to listen to my ocd or satan. I just want faith to see God as I used to. The one right next to me. My father.
Thank you dearly for reading this. (If you read it all)

I'm fearing even more and I feel my ocd will try to latch onto it. "What if you just stopped believing?" And this is because I found what I believe may be the solution to my crisis AND lethargy. Faith. Knowing that God is literally beside you. And my ocd is like "What if you don't see him like that?" Or "Yeah but weren't you just ___?"

Saw a comment on instagram saying, don't lose faith, and then automatically I felt fear and my ocd said "But what if I did lose my faith? What then?" ocd symptoms I tell ya.

"What if it's not ocd?"

"What if God is not with you and he has already forsaken you?" Or just outright saying, "You don't belieeeve" (doubting emoji) ocd saying it as if it clearly knows its wrong. Sarcastic like, making fun of me.

I don't want to be tormented in my uncertainty and doubts, listening to what my ocd has to say. Then fearing and then starting to feel that ocd statement.

I want to know Christ is waiting for me because I don't feel like I have the faith to believe it enough to have it finally change my life. Like I'm still fearful of believing.
After I turned my phone off I don't think I actually trusted that God was literally by me, it just felt overwhelming for me as it would make me feel like my life just changes in front of my eyes. Like I'm not sure why I didn't even listen to myself. Maybe it felt like a burden or somehow tiring trying to believe and somehow force this change in my life, as if my belief requires fuel and that fuel being mental energy.
Sure I can imagine it in the moment and actually feel much more better but like actually believing? Why does it feel like a different story? Do I not see it as good enough? Am I too afraid of something? What is it? If you have answers please tell me. Please. Pray for me too so that I may actually listen and believe.

 

[Ajj]

I'm fearing even more and I feel my ocd will try to latch onto it. "What if you just stopped believing?" And this is because I found what I believe may be the solution to my crisis AND lethargy. Faith. Knowing that God is literally beside you. And my ocd is like "What if you don't see him like that?" Or "Yeah but weren't you just ___?"

Saw a comment on instagram saying, don't lose faith, and then automatically I felt fear and my ocd said "But what if I did lose my faith? What then?" ocd symptoms I tell ya.

"What if it's not ocd?"

"What if God is not with you and he has already forsaken you?" Or just outright saying, "You don't belieeeve" (doubting emoji) ocd saying it as if it clearly knows its wrong. Sarcastic like, making fun of me.

I don't want to be tormented in my uncertainty and doubts, listening to what my ocd has to say. Then fearing and then starting to feel that ocd statement.

I want to know Christ is waiting for me because I don't feel like I have the faith to believe it enough to have it finally change my life. Like I'm still fearful of believing.
After I turned my phone off I don't think I actually trusted that God was literally by me, it just felt overwhelming for me as it would make me feel like my life just changes in front of my eyes. Like I'm not sure why I didn't even listen to myself. Maybe it felt like a burden or somehow tiring trying to believe and somehow force this change in my life, as if my belief requires fuel and that fuel being mental energy.
Sure I can imagine it in the moment and actually feel much more better but like actually believing? Why does it feel like a different story? Do I not see it as good enough? Am I too afraid of something? What is it? If you have answers please tell me. Please. Pray for me too so that I may actually listen and believe.

I guess I was just feeling that we were not on the right terms honestly. I just did not feel like I knew him enough to actually know him enough. Like a stranger y'know? Like I forgot who he is.

 

[Ajj]

I'm fearing even more and I feel my ocd will try to latch onto it. "What if you just stopped believing?" And this is because I found what I believe may be the solution to my crisis AND lethargy. Faith. Knowing that God is literally beside you. And my ocd is like "What if you don't see him like that?" Or "Yeah but weren't you just ___?"

Saw a comment on instagram saying, don't lose faith, and then automatically I felt fear and my ocd said "But what if I did lose my faith? What then?" ocd symptoms I tell ya.

"What if it's not ocd?"

"What if God is not with you and he has already forsaken you?" Or just outright saying, "You don't belieeeve" (doubting emoji) ocd saying it as if it clearly knows its wrong. Sarcastic like, making fun of me.

I don't want to be tormented in my uncertainty and doubts, listening to what my ocd has to say. Then fearing and then starting to feel that ocd statement.

I want to know Christ is waiting for me because I don't feel like I have the faith to believe it enough to have it finally change my life. Like I'm still fearful of believing.
After I turned my phone off I don't think I actually trusted that God was literally by me, it just felt overwhelming for me as it would make me feel like my life just changes in front of my eyes. Like I'm not sure why I didn't even listen to myself. Maybe it felt like a burden or somehow tiring trying to believe and somehow force this change in my life, as if my belief requires fuel and that fuel being mental energy.
Sure I can imagine it in the moment and actually feel much more better but like actually believing? Why does it feel like a different story? Do I not see it as good enough? Am I too afraid of something? What is it? If you have answers please tell me. Please. Pray for me too so that I may actually listen and believe.

I'm starting to doubt and be distressed again due to the fact that I felt overwhelmed trying to believe of see that God was right next to me. Either that's thats the truth or I'm doing things out of order. Because I still don't feel that relationship y'know. I need to actually be close to him but I just don't feel close to God. Why do I feel this way? Please help me. Do I keep my calm? Do I stay in my comfort zone? Should I not look with doom for the fact that I tried to believe but just felt overwhelmed. I felt something and saying overwhelmed feels accurate but it doesn't seem like the morally right word to say so I won't sit on it.
How do I come close to God and find comfort? How do I not doubt from ruminating about this? Pls prayers.

 

[Ajj]

I'm fearing even more and I feel my ocd will try to latch onto it. "What if you just stopped believing?" And this is because I found what I believe may be the solution to my crisis AND lethargy. Faith. Knowing that God is literally beside you. And my ocd is like "What if you don't see him like that?" Or "Yeah but weren't you just ___?"

Saw a comment on instagram saying, don't lose faith, and then automatically I felt fear and my ocd said "But what if I did lose my faith? What then?" ocd symptoms I tell ya.

"What if it's not ocd?"

"What if God is not with you and he has already forsaken you?" Or just outright saying, "You don't belieeeve" (doubting emoji) ocd saying it as if it clearly knows its wrong. Sarcastic like, making fun of me.

I don't want to be tormented in my uncertainty and doubts, listening to what my ocd has to say. Then fearing and then starting to feel that ocd statement.

I want to know Christ is waiting for me because I don't feel like I have the faith to believe it enough to have it finally change my life. Like I'm still fearful of believing.
After I turned my phone off I don't think I actually trusted that God was literally by me, it just felt overwhelming for me as it would make me feel like my life just changes in front of my eyes. Like I'm not sure why I didn't even listen to myself. Maybe it felt like a burden or somehow tiring trying to believe and somehow force this change in my life, as if my belief requires fuel and that fuel being mental energy.
Sure I can imagine it in the moment and actually feel much more better but like actually believing? Why does it feel like a different story? Do I not see it as good enough? Am I too afraid of something? What is it? If you have answers please tell me. Please. Pray for me too so that I may actually listen and believe.

PLEASE DONT TELL ME I JUST LOST MY FAITH BUT MY ABILITY TO SEE AND KNOW HES WITH ME.

I tried imagining God was there but it made my heart feel like something strong and I don't know what it was. Hopefully my ocd doesn't latch onto this and hopefully satan doesnt use this to his advantage.

GOD HELP ME SEE AND HELP ME FEEL CLOSE TO YOU.

I think I may start doubting the change I felt when I imagined God existing and being right next to me, instead of knowing that he is listening to me and we are just chatting. Bro nooooooooOOoo PLEASE. This almost feels discouraging please someone help!
God help me. Dont make me doubt please.

 

[disciple Clint]

PLEASE DONT TELL ME I JUST LOST MY FAITH BUT MY ABILITY TO SEE AND KNOW HES WITH ME.

I tried imagining God was there but it made my heart feel like something strong and I don't know what it was. Hopefully my ocd doesn't latch onto this and hopefully satan doesnt use this to his advantage.

GOD HELP ME SEE AND HELP ME FEEL CLOSE TO YOU.

I think I may start doubting the change I felt when I imagined God existing and being right next to me, instead of knowing that he is listening to me and we are just chatting. Bro nooooooooOOoo PLEASE. This almost feels discouraging please someone help!
God help me. Dont make me doubt please.

Wow, lots of issues and doubts but let me try to help.
Do you Believe that God is Good?
Do you believe that God loves everyone, some more than others but still everyone?
Do you believe that God loves you?
Now if you do believe those things then you know that God wants you to be saved, He wants a relationship with you, and nothing that you could ever do would change that. God is always willing to forgive you.
God does not give up on anyone.
So if you want to be saved God is willing and He will welcome you with open arms.
He truly does love you.
The only unforgivable sin is refusing to accept God and outright rejecting Him, anyone who does that can not be saved because they will not allow themselves to be saved. People send themselves to hell.

 

[d taylor]

PLEASE DONT TELL ME I JUST LOST MY FAITH BUT MY ABILITY TO SEE AND KNOW HES WITH ME.

I tried imagining God was there but it made my heart feel like something strong and I don't know what it was. Hopefully my ocd doesn't latch onto this and hopefully satan doesnt use this to his advantage.

GOD HELP ME SEE AND HELP ME FEEL CLOSE TO YOU.

I think I may start doubting the change I felt when I imagined God existing and being right next to me, instead of knowing that he is listening to me and we are just chatting. Bro nooooooooOOoo PLEASE. This almost feels discouraging please someone help!
God help me. Dont make me doubt please.

-​

You actually wrote too much for me to read on a computer but here is a link to an article that may help you.

What Does It Mean to Believe in Jesus? – Grace Evangelical Society​

 

[Ajj]

-​

You actually wrote too much for me to read on a computer but here is a link to an article that may help you.

What Does It Mean to Believe in Jesus? – Grace Evangelical Society​

Thank you but I think it's rather complicated what I'm struggling with.
I just feel that it's just not hitting my head and it's like I believed my thoughts rather than God. I don't think or feel that I was able to resonate with the messages about faith not that I reject it but because I just feel stuck. I'm just stuck here confused on what faith is and the power it holds, (or how it works). I just feel like something is not letting me believe or to really see.
Do I not care enough? I just feel like I gave up my faith but Idk. Idk what faith is. Idk if I even am believing or not. I don't even feel like I don't believe I just don't feel urged to find answers as if I'm not convinced that I need help. I don't know what I'm trusting.

I started feeling like everything was "normal" after I had a mental breakdown and so I thought I didn't have faith because I wasn't feeling urged or in conflict that everything felt normal while I supposedly thought that nothing is actually "alright" for me and that I have a problem or conflict with faith itself.
It's like I just can't believe but only imagine that I do and it makes me feel better and like I'm a believer. I pretty much just wrote things down as if I did not listen but I'm still trying. Even though I don't feel like I'm trying I feel like this is a mere effort. Like I don't feel committed to getting help but I just can't not stop. I need the answers even though I sorta think I don't "believe." Idk.
Just pray for me. Thats all I know. Pray. Genuine prayers.

 

[biblelesson]

This is pretty long so.. but arguably the most important thing I have struggled with in my life. Please read and answer. Help.

I honestly just keep on being tormented by my faith crisis as I keep getting intrusive thoughts and feelings that my faith is not genuine and that I'm not really saved and thar I'm doing all of this effort just to feel better when in reality I actually was not. I was actually here because I just knew I needed to, I didn't actually feel like it but I still came here to seek help.
The help I want to seek is generally like assurance or affirmations. I'd say I was spiritually lazy, spiritually depressed, apathetic, and even empty which may have caused me my crisis of faith, AFTER I seen a video of the unforgivable sin and someone saying that its when someone rejects convictions that it makes their hearts hard enough to make it impossible to repent.
But I generally did not agree as I believed in once saved always saved as that belief had actually made me repent and run to God because I knew I was saved rather than constantly living in fear and dread thinking if I would reject God or not.
It basically was after I just seen a video of losing salvation. A woman talking about John 15:2 or something like that, the branches of the vine. It was the first time in a long while that I was captivated enough and genuinely curious that I picked my bible up after like a few months of using social media as my bible and for 1 day I was just living as if I were seeking the truth about salvation, still with faith. But then a day after I saw this video the unforgivable sin and I said nahh.. then to learn more I searched it up and there was a man I trusted so much that I didnt bother to fact check him as he had his sources and I dont even focus on his sources. InspiringPhilsophy. He posted a YT short about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and he said that scholars quoted that it was the rejecting of conviction, deliberately staying in sin over time that their hearts harden and make it impossible for them to repent.
But for me, I was told that it meant that it was when someone attributes Jesus's works or miracles to Satan but only when they see it, when they lived in his time and saw HIM do it.
I never thought I was a calvinist, I just did not agree with the predestination stuff because it just seemed wrong to me. I was more like a once saved always saved and repentance was a one time thing which I have experienced. I experienced this regeneration and life of Christ in me that I lived so much more differently, like fruits, all that stuff. But cut to 2-3 years in the future, mid hs sophomore year volleyball season and I find myself just struggling to feel things. Or its when I just started to feel that I was producing the opposite fruits and after about 2-3 months I started questioning myself, also present day right now. After that video I had looked online for possible explanations and just found spiritual apathy, spiritual depression, spiritual laziness, spiritual dryness, and spiritual emptiness. I honestly am not too sure of their causes except for volleyball somehow becoming the main focus in my life but it was a big confusion. So many complicated things that I would literally take a few hours trying to find everything in my journals about what I was going through and perhaps sharing them would be much more efficient.


But. Because of those spiritual problems and mental health issues, I started to cry and decided to throw away all my sinful videos and stuff. I was more aware of the words I said but after that I just started to question my faith. And so I had begun my crisis of faith. So much happened in the past few days that its literally the most important thing I need to focus on. Like more important than life itself kind. It actually made me stop worrying about the world or the stuff in this life in a bad way rather than good way. Bad and good way. But depressed kind bad way.
Because of the video of the guy I trusted explaining the sin I started to see myself, I thought I had repented but that too I had to search up to find its meaning. I thought it was like this one time thing were you change your whole life kind. Instead of changing your mind about the world when God calls you to repent and see how wrong it is.

After that stuff about a day goes by and I think my ocd activates and satan finds me in the most vulnerable and worst time of my life.
Feeling that I had committed the unforgivable sin that I started feeling so inadequate, helpless, and hopeless, no matter what evidence that I did NOT commit the sin was, it was like my ocd or like something just made me emotionally driven to not accept the literal answers and affirmations I got.
I started to go on this mental breakdown and all but I had actually found answers and seemed to be able to listen, I also found through introspection that I may have had heart and so that just kept me motivated to keep searching and looking for help, for answers. But on the next day, at night time, I saw a video on instagram of a bible verse and all I could think to myself was "What if I did not actually believe and have no obligation to spirit?" - The ocd statement and then I started to feel that way. It was like paradoxical almost. Even though I started to feel like I had no worries of the christian worries anymore, I still went to search for answers and for help actually, this was when my crisis of faith took place. This is what it was.
I can recount a different time when I questioned "What if God did not exist?" While I was crying to God out of this depressed confession that I was weak and all and then I stopped crying and stopped feeling like God was there. I couldn't even feel like I could acknowledge him because I just was not able to, like I felt what my ocd had said.

And then well I felt little worry or concern, but I had also faced apathy the day before. (Didnt care that I didnt care) So then you know what I did, I immediately went online searching for other christians and found this website like 2 days ago I think. Even though I didnt feel like I was obligated or like I was a believer, I knew I needed to not give in, to not listen. And so I started questioning if it was ocd or just satans lie and that I believed his lie, it was like I believed that I did not believe, when I didn't actually not believe. It gave me comfort and assurance thinking of it.
But after a while of wrestling I had to go sleep.
Went to sleep. Woke up from my dream feeling rid of distress but I just knew I was not "okay." So I went to see. But my ocd had made it worse, making new possibilities that I wasnt saved and committed the unforgivable sin, and that was when I questioned if I had lost my salvation thinking that I had believed satans lie. Either that or I was just listening to him rather than being convinced. I wasn't truly convinced nor not convinced. I just wanted to find that running back to God was possible, that I would be able to believe again and find out that I'm not condemned.

Now during that day I just felt like I was at the brink of my faith, at the edge of my life, my existence. I felt I had lost it all and was feeling so inadequate but you know what? Even though I didnt feel like God was there, even though I didnt feel like I had any more faith left. I called out to God. I BEGGED him. I BEGGED. I begged him to change my heart, to give me what I need so that I just trust him and listen to him. And after that prayer I got an answer online, telling me that I still had faith through action, and that was enough to motivate me for another day, or rather another couple of hours of searching for answers.

I can show all of it btw.

I had then just started to think of the possibility that it might be ocd. It might be a personality disorder. It could be something. But I started to just actually understand and resonate better with the videos of bible verses I saw online. Sermons and other lessons. I resonated much more better than I had when it was still volleyball season but the thing was that I lost my worries for life.
Life just felt futile and pointless. Its worries and struggles just didnt matter in the face of your spiritual life. That you would eventually have to choose. And you better choose the right option.
But life just felt meaningless when I had my crisis of faith and feeling that I had committed the unforgivable sin. Nothing else mattered. The people mattered its just me. I dont matter anymore if Im just unsavable. But I still knew that was not the case through my actions, through my perseverance.
And it was the next day that there was summer volleyball practice, 2nd to last one. I just decided to go after I felt sorta reconciled. I just went so that I could somehow improve or hinder my symptoms for my depressive attitude towards life. When I got there to practice I just felt kinda lost. But I remembered I was there because I just decided to go there, to try improve my mood as I have also lost my appetite kind of didnt care about life's worries. Instead of not caring about what I eat it was not caring about eating.

But during practice I was trying to not have too much fun even when I really couldnt because I had felt I committed myself to God, something of the sort and after practice I decided to go open gym volleyball with my friend and his family.
About an hour after practice we start warming up and then we start playing but after a while I just started to feel empty and I was unsure as to why I felt that way. It was persistent and constant that eventually I decided to just think about it and I just thought of how I couldnt feel yet called to God, talking to him. I once again talked to God and I prayed to him, "Why do I feel lost?" And then a thought popped up in my head and it was like about how I lived my life with Christ, and then I started thinking about how fulfilling it felt having a relationship with Christ. I immediately started feeling a little more fulfilled after finding this answer and so I felt more better I would say that I was less lethargic.
But now today, or the day after. I feel that I lived my life fulfilled with Christ when I just knew he was a literal living real being and not just some imaginary figure in my head.
Just now as I was writing I imagined myself believing God or even knowing that he was real that I just started to feel like I was changed by him. Like I felt a small change. Thinking about Christ, God being real made me feel like I was on my feet again in our relationship. I could actually feel him. I knew he was alive and then I started to feel my life starting to not be lethargic but rather motivated to live godly. Like my father.
I need faith again. I need faith. I dont want to doubt and I dont want my ocd or anything to make me feel that God isnt real and make my ways of seeing God as futile.
But prayers please. Prayers. I dont want to listen to my ocd or satan. I just want faith to see God as I used to. The one right next to me. My father.
Thank you dearly for reading this. (If you read it all)

Not sure if I can help, but what I do know is you can’t force faith. Our faith is strengthened through God’s grace, meaning it’s God who bestows faith on us.

What you are trying to obtain can only be obtained by the Holy Spirit. God’s power is in His word, not our heads.

If someone had a gift for you, do you try and force them to give it to you or do you wait for your gift?

God said “Be still and know that I’m God”

So rest, be still, wait on God, there is nothing to do but learn to trust Him. He does the work in us through the Holy Spirit. He increases our faith.

Your struggle is with the carnal nature. Read Romans 7. We cannot overcome our carnal nature. God knew this, that’s why He crucified our old man on the cross with Christ. So, He gives us a new nature, the new man.

The new man is spiritual, and we can’t bring to ourselves what’s spiritual. We don’t have power from heaven. So, we must wait on God to receive.

 

[OldAbramBrown]

Ajj, this is the only thread of yours I've read so far, but i will say I've been through everything you have only because I'm as slow as a tortoise I strung it out slower ;-)

I'm including you in my prayers.

Don't feel bad about volleyball (something I don't play ;-) )

Jn 3:16 those who continue to believe - as it's crystal clear you ARE doing - will continue to have the life that's eternal.

It's not something you or I missed.

Ref the self-unforgiving sin, blaspheming Holy Spirit, church leaders are prone to it, not ordinary believers.

Could some quiet and light hearted comedy about "Ferrari brain" relax it? Your excellent brain has stood you in very good stead and will carry on doing so, you may trust it for that: but in its own style!

I tell my thoughts they are more rapid cycling than Eddy Merckx.