Disclaimer: I don't want anyone trying to manipulate me into straying into unbelief, away from Christianity, or whatever.
Wednesday evening this week, I have a distress episode, about feeling ugly, and wanting stretch my face to make it better. Today, I had another distress episode about my height, ethnic ancestry, and a few other things. Ever since 2021, I've been hating my height and my ugliness, almost every day feeling insecure about one thing or another, along with intrusive sexual thoughts. I have a strong desire for companionship, but I feel my that height (between 5'7 and 5'9) and probably ugly face, along with how I act, admittedly, would restrict me from getting one, especially if it comes to certain kinds of women that I like. In April of 2023, I started to want to get into Eastern Orthodox Christianity. And now, I really want to stray away from technology and social media (I know it's ironic that I'm posting here, but I don't know what to do.) Unfortunately, I've never been able to feel God's presence, and I do pray every now and then. But I can't help but resent God for making me this way. And unfortunately, my mother who claims herself to be spiritual just keeps saying the same thing over and over again. I resent the fact of her marrying my dad, for a number of reasons, including the fact that she's Russian, but I was born only half-Russian, American raised and such. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, and I've never really felt that attractive, even now as a soon to be 20 year-old soon-to-be failure. I'm beginning to lose faith in God, especially with what I've become, and how I am now. And I don't know what to do. My mother would just say the same thing, and we'd get into another fight about my insecurities, if I went to her right, her claiming I can just turn them off and whatever. Well it ain't so easy, is it?!?! Not to mention the fact about how much we fight about my college, and how much I slack at school, even if I'm breaking personal barriers!!! I admit, I haven't really read the bible that much, plus I still struggle with my faith, but I don't know if God really is there. And if he is, but he made me this way, ugly and short, why couldn't he have just made me Asexual and Aromantic, so that I would never have a strong desire for a relationship? I know I shouldn't focus on that solely, and focus on him, but with what I've been dealing with, I'm really beginning to lose it. And sometimes I wish I could just die already, so that I can get over with this life. I don't know about getting therapy or a psychologist, either, because I don't want to have to use my money trying to fix something that wasn't completely my fault, especially in the economy so-called "greatest country in the world," aka America. Please, somebody pray for me, or tell me something sent by God, if he truly is there. I don't know what it is, whether I'm just a bad person, possessed, or whatever... Please help me, someone, God, or whatever!!!...
Wednesday evening this week, I have a distress episode, about feeling ugly, and wanting stretch my face to make it better. Today, I had another distress episode about my height, ethnic ancestry, and a few other things. Ever since 2021, I've been hating my height and my ugliness, almost every day feeling insecure about one thing or another, along with intrusive sexual thoughts. I have a strong desire for companionship, but I feel my that height (between 5'7 and 5'9) and probably ugly face, along with how I act, admittedly, would restrict me from getting one, especially if it comes to certain kinds of women that I like. In April of 2023, I started to want to get into Eastern Orthodox Christianity. And now, I really want to stray away from technology and social media (I know it's ironic that I'm posting here, but I don't know what to do.) Unfortunately, I've never been able to feel God's presence, and I do pray every now and then. But I can't help but resent God for making me this way. And unfortunately, my mother who claims herself to be spiritual just keeps saying the same thing over and over again. I resent the fact of her marrying my dad, for a number of reasons, including the fact that she's Russian, but I was born only half-Russian, American raised and such. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, and I've never really felt that attractive, even now as a soon to be 20 year-old soon-to-be failure. I'm beginning to lose faith in God, especially with what I've become, and how I am now. And I don't know what to do. My mother would just say the same thing, and we'd get into another fight about my insecurities, if I went to her right, her claiming I can just turn them off and whatever. Well it ain't so easy, is it?!?! Not to mention the fact about how much we fight about my college, and how much I slack at school, even if I'm breaking personal barriers!!! I admit, I haven't really read the bible that much, plus I still struggle with my faith, but I don't know if God really is there. And if he is, but he made me this way, ugly and short, why couldn't he have just made me Asexual and Aromantic, so that I would never have a strong desire for a relationship? I know I shouldn't focus on that solely, and focus on him, but with what I've been dealing with, I'm really beginning to lose it. And sometimes I wish I could just die already, so that I can get over with this life. I don't know about getting therapy or a psychologist, either, because I don't want to have to use my money trying to fix something that wasn't completely my fault, especially in the economy so-called "greatest country in the world," aka America. Please, somebody pray for me, or tell me something sent by God, if he truly is there. I don't know what it is, whether I'm just a bad person, possessed, or whatever... Please help me, someone, God, or whatever!!!...