Dumbest Jokes of All Time

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Berserk]

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick

What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
“We are both lawyers”

What do a banana and a helicopter have in common?
Neither of them is a mailman

Q: What is an epistle?
A: The wife of an apostle.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

In a convent, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"DON'T SELL THAT COW!!

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I like the Aussie accent. Reminds me of the story where a severely wounded British soldier was transported to an Australian field hospital. He woke the next day and asked the nurse, "Did I come in here to die?" The Aussie nurse replied, "No. You came in yesterday."

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”-Steven Wright

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

A country where feminists wouldn't want to go: Manchuria. The name of a province in Canada that feminists would like to change: Manitoba. It would be difficult for feminists to make a decree on anything because they don't want to have a mandate.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Bob Crowley]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

"Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra. After five days of agonizing pain, the cobra finally died."

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

My neighbor got rid of their Rooster

& replaced with a Duck

Now I wake up at ‘The Quack O’ Dawn’

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”