Don't know what to do, help please

[5kidsdad]

Sorry if this is too long. I am married, 15 years, with kids. I have had problems in my marriage, and with my wife. We have separated before, and worked through it. We are again separated, and this time, she wants a divorce. I was told to leave, and it was a combination of mutual unhappiness, my anger, her anxiety, and that's about it. That was months ago. I have since learned that there was infidelity, at least emotional, before the split. If there hasn't been actual physical infidelity, it seems to have been awfully close. I am thinking of contacting a lawyer. There is no confession going to come,and I am getting the blame for everything now, not like in the beginning, where there was some shared responsibility. My children are taking it hard, my family is suffering, her family is suffering, and I am suffering. I am driven nuts by the thought of her and another mandoing "what married people do." I still consider myself married, and wouldn't even think of doing something like this. I just am trying to wrap my mind around this. I am going to counciling, praying, not eating, having difficulty keeping focus, and live for the weekends that I get my kids. She just appears to be going on with life ,having a person to replace me as friend, companion, etc. The thing I miss most is the friendship. She was my best friend, and I told her everything, as I thought she did me. I now understand the meaning of one flesh, because it feels as though a part of me is dying off. We both go to the same church, and have been raised in the same faith.I cannot believe the spirit that is in the world today. I guess it is a sign of the times. I just am looking to vent, and am so sorry to do so here. I know that I involve lawyers, it is going to get worse. I hate to put anyone through this, and really don't want to do it. I don't know what else to do. There is no chance to reconcile. My biggest concern is for the kids.I do not want them to be around this type of influence, and the type of man that he seems to be. Please,advice would be wonderful.

Thank you so much

5kidsdad

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

There is no chance to reconcile. My biggest concern is for the kids.I do not want them to be around this type of influence, and the type of man that he seems to be.

This being the case, you need to do what is best for your children. I did notice that one of the problems you referred to in your marriage is your anger. Are you also inappropriately angry with your children or does your anger at other circumstances in your life spill over and affect their lives negatively? If so, that also needs to factor into your decision regarding your childrens' best interests.

I am sorry for what you are going through, and will be praying that God will direct you to the best decision for your kids.

 

[5kidsdad]

I guess at times. She is quite capable of letting her frustrations known as well. I do get on my kids, but not nearly at the harshness that she believes. She came from a "quiet" family. There was little yelling, from what she told me. Me, if you really got in trouble, you got yelled at. I have went overboard, and would apologize as soon as I realized it. I am not claiming innocence here, but I am not willing to walk to the gallows either. Unfortunately, in my state, I don't stand much of a chance of getting the kids. That was my initial impression from the lawyer. She would have to be proven totally incompetent as a parent. So now I stand here, with no answers and only questions. I am leaning heavily on God, as He is my Rock. I am now taking the approach that if I let her go, and depend on the people in her and my family to help me guide my kids, she will eventually hurt herself without any assistance from anyone else. I am praying for a quick end to this. Today, I felt directed by the Lord, and feel that I was given a quote. The quote is what I imagine Job might have said. It is this:

"You may beat me down, take my health, take away everything that is precious to me, but you will not take away my victory."

As I drove down the road, I got goosebumps. He will restore to all of us that which we have lost if we cling to Him. At this point, what else is there to do?

Thank you for your prayers. My family and I appreciate them very much.

May God Bless.

5kidsdad

 

[Lisa004]

Are you sure their is no possible way of reconcilation?

It is difficult when our spouse has another. We wonder how can this be and how can this person we trusted betray us in such a manner.

Like you my spouse was my best friend. The best advise I can give if there is no possibility of reconciliation then move forward asap. I have been going through this turmoil going on two years. Now looking back at my situation I wish I would of accepted the outcome and maybe the pain would not be as harsh.

My prayers are with you and your family.

God Bless

 

[DZoolander]

Well, if you're headed toward a divorce (which it sounds like you are), I would definitely get an attorney. There are amicable divorces, and there are bitter divorces. It sounds like you might be heading toward the latter - and in that case - an attorney would be in your best interests.

With respect to custody - generally speaking - you're right. Unless the mother is just a completely unfit parent - they'll probably get primary custody. However - the courts do try to be fair - and ensure that there's a somewhat equitable split in time between both parents in most cases. Just as you probably wouldn't be able to get sole custody of the kids - she won't be able to either (unless she's able to prove you to be an unfit parent).

Bringing an attorney into the situation doesn't necessarily have to make it turn ugly - however. The attorney is simply there to protect your interests - in the event that she tries to take advantage of you and go for something that is unfair. But - it's entirely possible (and ideal) to have attorneys and still reach amicable decisions.

It is hard...but sometimes in life...it is what it is.