Don't Come

[Shaneatoakland]

Don’t Come
A statistic worth noting is that 50% of nursing home residents have no family and 60% have no regular visitors. “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble . . . (James 1:27).” What did the verse say was “pure and undefiled religion before God”? It is “to visit the widows in their trouble.” Please read the following words entitled “Don’t Come.”
If you fear death and don’t want that fear intensified by seeing it on many faces where I live, don’t come.
If strange behavior bothers you, don’t come.
Some of us have receded from reality. Some reality is too painful to face. If you find it difficult to communicate with people who can’t immediately give you a warm positive response, don’t come.
If you would feel uncomfortable shouting into my deaf ears or talking to my unfocusing eyes, don’t come.
If you have problems that need to be solved, don’t come. Stay home and solve them, don’t come share them with me. I have my own problems that overwhelm me. I can’t help you.
If you expect that I can return your first smile and invite you to sit down for a stimulating conversation, don’t come. I might just as likely frown at you and make you feel unwanted.
But if you could understand how I feel deep down inside, you’d not feel rejected. You’d somehow know that I need your friendship even more than if I could smile and welcome you.
I have no one. My family and friends are gone; I’ve outlived them all. There’s no one to give me the 24-hour nursing care I now need. I understood this when I came here, and I’ve told myself many times that this nursing home is the only place for me.
But I’ve ached with loneliness so long that I now feel only bitterness. This is why I may not smile at you at first, if you come. I hope God can forgive me; I can’t seem to feel otherwise.
I don’t think I really matter as a person anymore. I can do very little for myself and nothing for others. Modern drugs have kept me alive beyond my years of usefulness.
My world has been reduced to monotonous meals on trays in bed, pills for pain at regular intervals and services of nurses for my bodily functions. Having to let others take care of my simplest needs drains me of my dignity as a human being.
Now that you may understand how I feel – Can you come to see me and keep coming so that I can dare to trust you not to desert me? I have nothing to offer you except my memories, and often they’re confused. But perhaps if I can share them out loud, I can begin to think more clearly.
Have you the patience to hear out my bitterness until I’ve emptied myself of it? Can you bring news of what goes on outside this place to reinstate reality to me before it’s too late – before the shell of senility enshrouds me?
Can you come to give me something to think about besides myself; my narrow world, and my death? If not, don’t come.
But if you don’t come, please pray to God that He may move the heart of someone who can come to visit me. He knows that I need a friend. - by Myrth Hudgins.
The Bible teaches us that we should visit the “widows in their trouble.” This includes the ones in nursing homes and your parents, grandparents, and great grandparents who still live at home. You may be surprised to learn about who else you will be visiting. The Bible says, “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me (Matthew 25:37-40).’

Please share with me what you have felt as you read this.

 

[miggles]

I visited a nursing home once when I was 19 with this middle-aged woman who was visiting a friend's relative or something. Anyway, I was very upset with what I saw. The old folks weren't treated with any respect at all. They were treated like children. But what really got to me was later, the MAW said that one old lady thought she was her daughter and kept calling to her and getting all excited. That made me feel sad. Especially the way the MAW said it. She said it as if the old lady were stupid.

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Thank you Shane for sharing that post. It touched my heart, and I have to say that the possibility of becoming one of the forgotten people becomes more of a worry as we grow older. I worked in a nursing home for a short time when I was 19 years old. I couldn't handle it. Twelve years later, when my daughter was 3, we used to go visit a relative at a nursing home and got to know a couple of others. My daughter was quite gregarious and was very friendly to the people. For the most part, I saw many faces light up with pleasure at seeing her and speaking to her. I felt as though she had her own ministry to these people, by just being who she was. It took so little to brighten their day, and I had very little to do with that, except for walking around with my daughter while she spread her lightheartedness and cheer. Your post gave real insight as to what the elderly are going through. Also, in this country especially, we revere youth and don't respect the wisdom and experience of older people. Unfortunately, advertizing and profits have dictated what attitudes our young people should have toward the aging (including folks my age). A lot of times, people who are parents of teens and young adults think they have to be "cool" and act and talk young so they can fit in with their children and their children's friends. This I believe, is sending the wrong message to youngsters. When did we stop being people for the young to look up to for comfort, advice and protection? I have kind of gotten off the track here, but, there are so many issues related to your original post.

 

[miggles]

Amen Pil. I agree completely. I think it's sad that many parents today seem to think that it's important that their children and their friends think they're "cool." Even many teachers are like that. The best way for a parent or teacher to be "cool" is to be a leader and set good examples.

 

[MotherOfPromise]

Well, I must say that this has made me feel very guilty. I have this friend Sue, that I have visited, but it's been way too long since I have gone. She actually lives in a retirement home, because she doesn't need nursing care and can get around, although she is confined to the home unless someone takes her out.
Her husband died of prostate cancer a year ago Mother's Day. She misses him terribly and they were so sweet together. He was a retired Methodist minister and they told us some lovely stories of their courtship and their devotion to one another through the years. They were so cute together, always looking out for the other. She is very close to 80 and has a weak heart.

Yes, whenever I go I hear the same stories over and over. Yet, I must always keep in mind that the visit is not for me . It is for her. However, I often come away realizing that I have had a good time and know that the visit has been good for me as well. She is always so appreciative of the visits and so kind and loving.

Sue's only daughter is so terribly rude to her. She often scolds her for being so much trouble, seldom visits, and lets her go too long needing things.

This coming week I think I will go by and see Sue, before it is too late.

Thank you for your reminder.

 

[miggles]

I'm upset about Sue's daughter. How can she be that way?!

 

[MotherOfPromise]

I don't know. I haven't actually been there when she has acted so awful, but Mandy has. And Sue has told us about some of the things she has said and done to her. Mandy came home one time so mad and upset. The daughter showed up when she and my grandson were there she just acted like she wanted to get a rise out of someone. She was saying things like, I don't care if I go to hell or not. I will just be like all the other roasted marshmallows down there". Roasted marshallows indeed! Sue has a very gentle way about her and these things just upset her so.
Once Sue asked her to bring her some sodas to keep in her room, because she always likes to have some on hand when company comes. When the daughter finally got around to bringing them, she found some back in the closet that Sue didn't know she had. The daughter then started ranting and raving and accusing her of asking for them just so she could get her to come see her. I just get so mad when I think of her being treated that way.

 

[miggles]

I think I'm going to cry. I can't stand that.

 

[MotherOfPromise]

I know. It is really sad isn't it?

I'm glad that you are good to your mother. That makes me happy.

 

[miggles]

Thanks Prom. I love my mother. She is tops.

 

[MotherOfPromise]

God will bless you for honoring her.

 

[miggles]