does no contact prevent moving on?

[tampasteve]

my goodness you had to suffer to get your current wife, i hope shes worth it

Suffer is not quite the right word. In life there are good times, and there are rough times. Comparison of my previous marriage is not quite the same though, we split because she was a compulsive liar and had at least one affair, but it was not 10 years of misery either.

But yes, my wife would be worth walking through the gates of Hell for.

 

[Ben Collyer]

Suffer is not quite the right word. In life there are good times, and there are rough times. Comparison of my previous marriage is not quite the same though, we split because she was a compulsive liar and had at least one affair, but it was not 10 years of misery either.

But yes, my wife would be worth walking through the gates of Hell for.

Its a shame we cant opt out of the suffering

 

[A_Thinker]

Its a shame we cant opt out of the suffering

Many GOOD things will involve SUFFERING.

Remember that CHRIST SUFFERED ... for US ...

 

[Ben Collyer]

Many GOOD things will involve SUFFERING.

Remember that CHRIST SUFFERED ... for US ...

well this break up involves suffering but its not a good thing

 

[Petros2015]

1. the final stage of moving on is learning and accepting that your partner has moved on

I'm in kind of the same state, so I feel for you - we have been back and forth over the friends/relationship attempt cycle for 2 years and trying to end it. It (and she) have been such a huge part of my life, but now we are giving each other space (her request). And I see the value in it. We have both told each other that we are moving on. The space of no contact was to be 'not forever' and 'just for a few weeks' and we've done this many times before but I can kind of tell in my heart this time that it needs to be longer for both our sakes, probably on the order of months and not to be re-established ever as it was. Everyday I tell myself 'I am moving on' and then I actually try to do something that helps me to do that, whether it is reaching out for new friendships or new activities. Part of it is having faith that God's will for each of us is good and that this is for the best even though it is painful. It's the best act of love that I have left to give her, and I'm doing it for myself as well. I don't think the final stage is really learning and accepting that your partner has moved on, and you don't need to actually see her with someone to learn that they have moved on. All you need to know and accept is that it is the best for both of you, and that better things will follow. It doesn't mean that anyone has done anything wrong, or that the time was wasted or that the love was wasted. It just means that it's time to stop and learn and grow apart from having that other person as a focus. This was really the person who opened my eyes to Unconditional Love, and I wanted her to be the person that I gave it to. But somewhere in my heart I can also tell I'm better suited for another, and she can tell it too. So... anyway, you'll get through it if you want to. And so shall I.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I've had to cut off contact with a few people. I see the dilemma. If:

1.) The final stage of moving on is accepting that your partner has moved on, but
2.) Having no contact means you don't know whether or not that has happened, then
3.) How can you get to that final stage of acceptance?

I don't quite agree that we must accept that our partner has moved on. In my experience, healing the damage a relationship did, and getting past it, is more a matter of no longer caring what that person does or doesn't do. You don't wish them harm, of course, but they can find somebody new or live the rest of their lives alone, and it doesn't affect you one way or the other.

 

[Senkaku]

@Ben Collyer Never fight for someone who doesn't fight for you.

 

[tampasteve]

Thanks, its probably worth mentioning that we broke NC today. I thought 2 weeks was enough time...

To be honest with yourself, I feel you knew 2 weeks would not be enough time....but you could not help it. We have all been there too, so no reason to dwell on it or beat yourself up over it. Pick up, start another day, then another, then the next. Eventually the days will turn to weeks which will turn to months. You will think about her a little less each day, then a day will go by when you do not think about her at all....and that might make you sad when you realize it and revert a little. But eventually you will go days without thinking of her. And that is good, that is moving on. As other said, you do not wish her ill, rather, you wish her to be happy, to also move on and have a wonderful life.

 

[June July]

Eventually, maybe a few years from now, you may find that you'll be happy for her to be in a new relationship. Real love would mean you want her to be happy though it didn't work out for the two of you together. Forgive her, forgive yourself, and move on with what you really want to be doing with your life.

 

[Ben Collyer]

I've had to cut off contact with a few people. I see the dilemma. If:

1.) The final stage of moving on is accepting that your partner has moved on, but
2.) Having no contact means you don't know whether or not that has happened, then
3.) How can you get to that final stage of acceptance?

I don't quite agree that we must accept that our partner has moved on. In my experience, healing the damage a relationship did, and getting past it, is more a matter of no longer caring what that person does or doesn't do. You don't wish them harm, of course, but they can find somebody new or live the rest of their lives alone, and it doesn't affect you one way or the other.

the relationship hasnt done any damage to me..it just hurts to let her go

 

[Ben Collyer]

To be honest with yourself, I feel you knew 2 weeks would not be enough time....but you could not help it. We have all been there too, so no reason to dwell on it or beat yourself up over it. Pick up, start another day, then another, then the next. Eventually the days will turn to weeks which will turn to months. You will think about her a little less each day, then a day will go by when you do not think about her at all....and that might make you sad when you realize it and revert a little. But eventually you will go days without thinking of her. And that is good, that is moving on. As other said, you do not wish her ill, rather, you wish her to be happy, to also move on and have a wonderful life.

i dont wish her to have a wonderful life, as that entails her moving on and finding a new love. something which brings me great pain

 

[Ben Collyer]

Eventually, maybe a few years from now, you may find that you'll be happy for her to be in a new relationship. Real love would mean you want her to be happy though it didn't work out for the two of you together. Forgive her, forgive yourself, and move on with what you really want to be doing with your life.

this is why I think its a tragedy, in essense ive bought 4.5 years of a relationship in exchange for years of post break up suffering. its not really a very good deal

 

[tampasteve]

i dont wish her to have a wonderful life, as that entails her moving on and finding a new love. something which brings me great pain

This is not God's love then. That is an infatuation and coveting someone else's life. Loving someone as Christ would entails you wanting their happiness no matter what, even if you are not there to see it. Even if you died. As much as I love my wife, if I were to pass away I would wish her to have a happy life without me, to find love again. I apologize if this sounds blunt, but it is the truth as I see it and I know you are trying to be a Godly man from what you have written. To do so our relationships need to be as God would want them. Men are to be as Christ is to His church.

this is why I think its a tragedy, in essense ive bought 4.5 years of a relationship in exchange for years of post break up suffering. its not really a very good deal

It will not be years before you start to heal, perhaps a few months, but it will happen. But it will not be years of suffering, as hard as it is to see now. You bought 4.5 years of fun with a nice person, but fun will come again. Start by making your own fun, get out, walk the city, meet some fun people, maybe go on a vacation to somewhere new and exotic if you can. Get your mind out of your rut and make some changes. Change starts with a desire to change and miring in misery will not help.

 

[Ben Collyer]

This is not God's love then. That is an infatuation and coveting someone else's life. Loving someone as Christ would entails you wanting their happiness no matter what, even if you are not there to see it. Even if you died. As much as I love my wife, if I were to pass away I would wish her to have a happy life without me, to find love again. I apologize if this sounds blunt, but it is the truth as I see it and I know you are trying to be a Godly man from what you have written. To do so our relationships need to be as God would want them. Men are to be as Christ is to His church.


It will not be years before you start to heal, perhaps a few months, but it will happen. But it will not be years of suffering, as hard as it is to see now. You bought 4.5 years of fun with a nice person, but fun will come again. Start by making your own fun, get out, walk the city, meet some fun people, maybe go on a vacation to somewhere new and exotic if you can. Get your mind out of your rut and make some changes. Change starts with a desire to change and miring in misery will not help.

Im trying out for the church kids ministry team, joined a soccer team for my church, gone and met lots of people. but after these distractions are done i sit at home and it hits me like a tidal wave...

 

[unfinishedclay]

I am 2 weeks into NC with my ex GF of 4.5 years (ouch) but im confused about one thing

1. the final stage of moving on is learning and accepting that your partner has moved on

2. No contact prevents you from knowing if they have moved on


so does that not mean that if I stay in NC I wont be able to recieve that final closure?

Hi Ben. We have a family member who went through what you're going through after breaking up with his girlfriend of 12 years. I myself loved her so much and always looked forward to seeing her at family gatherings. I miss her. In his situation and in my own emotionally traumatic situation, we've been learning this:

Moving on is a journey.

And I've found that my own journey from heartbreak (which is a different type of situation) is an opportunity to draw closer to Jesus Christ. Before I was confronted by a hurtful discovery in my situation, I saw myself as already very very close in my walk with my Savior. But during that pain, I saw so much room to draw closer to Him. So, I did, as I saw and felt so many ways that God's Spirit was compelling me.

For many people, there is a real challenge through emotional pain when facing this: that our God is invisible and not with us in the flesh from the time He ascended into heaven post-resurrection. There were many days when that was my exact challenge - even after all the experience that I've had in communion with Him since 20+ years before.

But the presence of His Spirit being with me and Him reminding me that He is with me re-comforted me in a closed up place where I could seek Him undistracted and really meditate on that. And reflection on many passages in His Word can help a person move passed many challenges of the journey. You may not have experienced that challenge that I did. But, just in case, that's my experience to offer for you.

You're at the very beginning of a journey that can very potentially, by leaning on God's Word, lead you down a path of walking infinitely closer to Jesus Christ. And the opportunities and new beginnings that He has in store for you are unimaginable. But there are some things in store that He does have for you by you taking opportunity to abide in Jesus Christ in another level, in close close way. John 15:1-27. There is always room even for the closest-walking person to draw even closer to Him, as I've learned through my own personal pain (not that I'm saying I was the closest-walking person; I was not although I sometimes had moments when I was likely to think I was, which is one way He's dealt with hidden pride I didn't know existed.). Rambling - sorry.

Praying for you.

 

[com7fy8]

pray

Trust God to give you peace and a good way to see this.

 

[Ben Collyer]

the fact we had a sexual relationship makes this more difficult. as I know things about her that are meant to be a secret for her husband

 

[tampasteve]

Im trying out for the church kids ministry team, joined a soccer team for my church, gone and met lots of people. but after these distractions are done i sit at home and it hits me like a tidal wave...

I get that. After my divorce the day time hours were pretty easy as I could keep my mind busy, but you are right, the evening and night were the toughest. I found a couple TV programs I had not watched and would binge those each evening as well as I found some new authors I had not read before...that helped occupy my time and mind when alone.

 

[com7fy8]

I am 2 weeks into NC with my ex GF of 4.5 years (ouch) but im confused about one thing

1. the final stage of moving on is learning and accepting that your partner has moved on

2. No contact prevents you from knowing if they have moved on


so does that not mean that if I stay in NC I wont be able to recieve that final closure?

You and your relationship are unique. So, I would say we can't use one-size-fits-all theories to know what is happening with you and what is best to do. Below are my impressions from what I have read of what you have said. So, please see for yourself if I am giving you anything which is good. I'm just airing myself out, with things I have discovered, in case any of this is good for you.

It looks possible that you have gotten overly attached to her, and you would do well to get into loving and caring for various people . . . since Jesus wants us to love any and all people.

And read and feed on scriptures about how to relate as family with God's people > including >

"swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (in James 1:19)

Learn to be more thorough to listen to what people are saying, and pay attention to what they mean, to what they really value and appreciate; and do not try to change them for what you want or for control.

My personal discovery is that I need to be able to take no for an answer, pleasantly, or I am not ready to do well in a close relationship. I need to be prayerful with God and trust Him to decide if I and someone agree on some thing or activity or not; so if the other says no, then I am ready to honor God by not fighting it.

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

There needs to be mutual agreement, never one forcing or pressuring or controlling the other. Someone who is like this to get one's own way possibly needs to get corrected by God so he or she can find out how to relate in a close love relationship. And so it might not be wise to get involved with that person, or for someone else to get close to you, while you or someone else is still controlling.

And our Apostle Paul and our Apostle Peter say to be "tenderhearted" with one another > Ephesians 4:31-32, 1 Peter 3:8-9. To me, this means our Heavenly Father desires for us to relate as His family . . . with all our Christian brothers and sisters, and not to play favorites for ones who we hope to use for what we want!! So, if I am involved with a real Jesus lady but we find we need to break up, still she is my sister; so how ever could I not share at all with my own sister?????

So, was she your friend and sister in Jesus, first, or someone you hoped to use for what you want? I personally am suspicious when ones say they are Christians but they can just separate from each other . . . if they really are Jesus Christ's own brothers and sisters. I am not sure Jesus has people doing this.

But in case at least one of you was self-centered and even combative about not getting your way, then that one especially could need some "time out" but with sharing with mature Christians who can help that one to learn how to relate in a close relationship.

A Jesus lady is not only for making us feel good. A really Christian lady can help me to learn how to love, and get the real correction that this will require; and I am wise to listen and pray about whatever she says to help and correct me. So, in case you were getting defensive and in denial about things she said, pray about these things; in time you could become mature enough to benefit from things she said and did to help you.

I now understand that we need to get with another person in a special relationship because we first love that person . . . not only because we have similar interests. So, if I am with someone whom I appreciate for herself and how she is so good for me, I can easily sacrifice not having and doing a lot of things that are not interesting to her. And learn who she really is and what she says she really values and don't just try to push her elsewhere.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

I am 2 weeks into NC with my ex GF of 4.5 years (ouch) but im confused about one thing

1. the final stage of moving on is learning and accepting that your partner has moved on
I didn't find it to be like that for me...when my ex husband moved on it was the day our divorce was final...he and his gf married the same day after our marriage officially ended.
The final stage of moving on was this: I had peace in my life where once
there'd been stress, deceptions/lies, adultery, stealing, broken promises etc.


2. No contact prevents you from knowing if they have moved on
I don't need to know if they have moved on... it has nothing to do with me or my
healing...my healing, my hope and future be found in the Lord.
I couldn't help but know about my ex husband since his new life began the very
day our marriage ended...he and his gf got married at the magistrate's office in
the courthouse.
I had ex boyfriends and whether or not they moved on wasn't a problem or
concern of mine...the relationship didn't work...in retrospect, the guys broke
up with me because I wouldn't have sex with them or in a couple of cases the
guys didn't want an exclusive relationship.


so does that not mean that if I stay in NC I wont be able to recieve that final closure?

Your healing, hope and future are things that only God can work out for good.

 

[com7fy8]

Oh, I just read that you were immoral with each other. You could get an earful by talking about this with a variety of Christian people. My experience and observation is that people weak enough to break down into immorality can be compromised spiritually so they are weak enough to also break down into painful things of arguing and other abuse. But if we get strong against immoral stuff, including in our minds and feelings, this can help us to become stronger in God's love so we are strong also against pain things of angry reacting, food abuse, addictions, complaining, boredom, loneliness, frustration, and unforgiveness and stress.

Love does not have us only using anyone. But God's love has us personally caring for even any and all people, and ready for intimate family sharing with our Jesus brothers and sisters. So, it is important to get real in God's way of family loving. I have discovered how if I am in God's love with someone, it is easy to have self-control. Lust is dominating and won't take no for an answer; it is love for pleasure . . . very inferior. And there can be very nasty and angry and crazy reacting to our not getting what lust demands. But God's love makes us even easily able to sweetly take no for an answer.

You can read and feed on Philippians 2:14-16, and trust God to have us succeed in all He means by this scripture This takes growing and maturing in real love, and sharing with mature Christian people as our examples. God has us helping each other to love as family, not to mainly or only isolate ourselves with ones we want to use.