does no contact prevent moving on?

Ben Collyer

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I am 2 weeks into NC with my ex GF of 4.5 years (ouch) but im confused about one thing

1. the final stage of moving on is learning and accepting that your partner has moved on

2. No contact prevents you from knowing if they have moved on


so does that not mean that if I stay in NC I wont be able to recieve that final closure?
 

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I am 2 weeks into NC with my ex GF of 4.5 years (ouch) but im confused about one thing

1. the final stage of moving on is learning and accepting that your partner has moved on

2. No contact prevents you from knowing if they have moved on


so does that not mean that if I stay in NC I wont be able to recieve that final closure?
Ben, good to see you again son. I'm not qualified to respond to this. Maybe others on this site will. I'll be praying for you. God bless :).
 
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tampasteve

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Yes, absolutely you can move on completely with no contact, in fact that is the best way, IMO. Personally I would extrapolate the final stage as "not caring if your ex has moved on". Maybe she has, maybe she has not, it really does not matter anymore as that person is not yours to watch out for or otherwise. As time passes you will eventually find out in some way or another, and there may be a moment of anger, regret, or jealousy, but then you will remember that you are not in that place of life any more, that you have moved on as well, either physically with someone else or mentally.

But it will take time, and 2 weeks is just a moment really. My best advice would be to go to church more, hang out with friends more, maybe start looking for new friends. Local "meetup" groups can be a great way to meet people with similar interests in a low key way. meetup.com is a great resource for that. Meet some new people and go kayaking or hiking, meet them for a book reading group or anything you are interested in. Just get out and have some fun. Being single can be a great time to spend with someone that you already know likes your interests, likes the same restaurants, likes the same music - you! Get comfortable in your own skin, that is a real attraction to people, confidence.
 
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ByTheSpirit

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Talking with your former relationship will make moving on more difficult. Their voice will jog memories that will churn those feelings that led you to them in the first place, especially for such a long relationship.

Not contacting will separate you from them further until eventually those feelings die. Like the adage, Time heals wounds. When my mother passed, I thought Inwould never survive, but time does indeed heal those wounds. Let it be.

This is a good mirror of our relationship to God. The more we stay in touch with him, our love continues and grows. When we decide not to talk to him, or even talk to him less, our love diminishes and will eventually die out.
 
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Ben Collyer

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Yes, absolutely you can move on completely with no contact, in fact that is the best way, IMO. Personally I would extrapolate the final stage as "not caring if your ex has moved on". Maybe she has, maybe she has not, it really does not matter anymore as that person is not yours to watch out for or otherwise. As time passes you will eventually find out in some way or another, and there may be a moment of anger, regret, or jealousy, but then you will remember that you are not in that place of life any more, that you have moved on as well, either physically with someone else or mentally.

But it will take time, and 2 weeks is just a moment really. My best advice would be to go to church more, hang out with friends more, maybe start looking for new friends. Local "meetup" groups can be a great way to meet people with similar interests in a low key way. meetup.com is a great resource for that. Meet some new people and go kayaking or hiking, meet them for a book reading group or anything you are interested in. Just get out and have some fun. Being single can be a great time to spend with someone that you already know likes your interests, likes the same restaurants, likes the same music - you! Get comfortable in your own skin, that is a real attraction to people, confidence.

Thanks, its probably worth mentioning that we broke NC today. I thought 2 weeks was enough time... I felt emotionally terrible afterwards...to be honest....the only thing that bothers me about this break up is the thought of her loving someone else...sharing special memories with someone else...I know il be happier without her....but for now...it realllllllllllly hurts

I just wish there was a way to get rid of the pain of imagining her with someone else
 
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High Fidelity

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Thanks, its probably worth mentioning that we broke NC today. I thought 2 weeks was enough time... I felt emotionally terrible afterwards...to be honest....the only thing that bothers me about this break up is the thought of her loving someone else...sharing special memories with someone else...I know il be happier without her....but for now...it realllllllllllly hurts

I just wish there was a way to get rid of the pain of imagining her with someone else

2 weeks is not nearly long enough. Give it at least 3-6 months, I'd say.

No less than 3 months.
 
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Ben Collyer

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2 weeks is not nearly long enough. Give it at least 3-6 months, I'd say.

No less than 3 months.

and if I give it time, say 3-6 months, My feelings for her will naturally fade away? if thats so thats really encouraging, but its hard to believe that now
 
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tampasteve

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Thanks, its probably worth mentioning that we broke NC today. I thought 2 weeks was enough time... I felt emotionally terrible afterwards...to be honest....the only thing that bothers me about this break up is the thought of her loving someone else...sharing special memories with someone else...I know il be happier without her....but for now...it realllllllllllly hurts

I just wish there was a way to get rid of the pain of imagining her with someone else

Yes, time will make your feelings for her go away and reduce to old memories. Maybe it is 3-6 months, maybe less, maybe more. The key is to not imagine her with someone else. You have to keep your mind focused on other things, and other people, it will take some time and practice though. Dive deep into your interests and start things in new places. If you always went to a few particular restaurants with her, find new ones that you can go to alone or with new people and make new memories. If you always went to the same stores, go to new ones. It is also healthy to explore new places and replace old painful memories with new experiences.
 
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Ben Collyer

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Yes, time will make your feelings for her go away and reduce to old memories. Maybe it is 3-6 months, maybe less, maybe more. The key is to not imagine her with someone else. You have to keep your mind focused on other things, and other people, it will take some time and practice though. Dive deep into your interests and start things in new places. If you always went to a few particular restaurants with her, find new ones that you can go to alone or with new people and make new memories. If you always went to the same stores, go to new ones. It is also healthy to explore new places and replace old painful memories with new experiences.

the moment when I do bump into her with her new guy is going to be really tough no matter what I do right?
 
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High Fidelity

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and if I give it time, say 3-6 months, My feelings for her will naturally fade away? if thats so thats really encouraging, but its hard to believe that now

It will, yes.

It isn't a conscious decision or action you take when you move on, it's just time.

Eventually you'll just think about them less and less and eventually be at peace with it. At that point is when you consider reconnecting to consider staying friends.
 
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Ben Collyer

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that really sucks, its like being told that your going to be shot in the knee caps at some random point in the future...I will be living the next years of my life in a state of dread
 
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tampasteve

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the moment when I do bump into her with her new guy is going to be really tough no matter what I do right?
Yes, but to be honest, if you start going to new places and with new people you might not run into her for a long time. Honestly, I have not seen my ex wife around town since we officially separated years ago. We still live in the same city and are both re-married, but we just are not in the same social circles and don't go to the same places. But if I did it has been enough time that it would not phase me, but again, it just takes time.
 
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A_Thinker

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that really sucks, its like being told that your going to be shot in the knee caps at some random point in the future...I will be living the next years of my life in a state of dread

Know that God manages such events (i.e. random meetings), so that you are able to handle it well ... in a christian way.

I didn't physically run into my ex until years afters our breakup. We had both moved on ... and were able to share a polite greeting ... and go on with our separate new lives ...
 
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Ben Collyer

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Know that God manages such events (i.e. random meetings), so that you are able to handle it well ... in a christian way.

I didn't physically run into my ex until years afters our breakup. We had both moved on ... and were able to share a polite greeting ... and go on with our separate new lives ...

what a travesty....what a waste ...is there anything quite so tragic as a relationship that does not last?

4.5 years of our lives wasted...and for what? only to suffer great pain

Im having an Ecclesiastes moment
 
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tampasteve

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what a travesty....what a waste ...is there anything quite so tragic as a relationship that does not last?

4.5 years of our lives wasted...and for what? only to suffer great pain

Im having an Ecclesiastes moment

In the scheme of a life, 4.5 years is but an interlude. But from what you have written I find it hard to believe it was a waste. The relationship taught you about what you are looking for in a woman, and what was missing. It taught you that there are Godly women out there, it taught you to love. These are not things to be wasted, but celebrated. You will find love again, there are women that will fit your full view and the biblical view of what a woman for marriage to you should be.

As I wrote before, my college relationship was close just over 3 years before I broke it off. My marriage was close to 10 years. But lessons were to be learned from both of those relationships and I would not change what I did or what happened. They made me who I am and prepared me for the true love of my life.
 
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Ben Collyer

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In the scheme of a life, 4.5 years is but an interlude. But from what you have written I find it hard to believe it was a waste. The relationship taught you about what you are looking for in a woman, and what was missing. It taught you that there are Godly women out there, it taught you to love. These are not things to be wasted, but celebrated. You will find love again, there are women that will fit your full view and the biblical view of what a woman for marriage to you should be.

As I wrote before, my college relationship was close just over 3 years before I broke it off. My marriage was close to 10 years. But lessons were to be learned from both of those relationships and I would not change what I did or what happened. They made me who I am and prepared me for the true love of my life.

my goodness you had to suffer to get your current wife, i hope shes worth it
 
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A_Thinker

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what a travesty....what a waste ...is there anything quite so tragic as a relationship that does not last?

4.5 years of our lives wasted...and for what? only to suffer great pain

Im having an Ecclesiastes moment

It is likely that you BOTH learned from your relationship ... in ways that can help your future relationships. And you two enjoyed each other's companionship for a time.

For future reference ... I would suggest that you strive to manage future relationships ... in the way that God approves ...
 
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