Do women want sex as much as men?

[jsimms615]

My pastor spoke a few weeks back on sex, it is the first time he's delivered a message which I have felt so strongly opposed to! To the point I'm still mad about it now, hence me taking it up here to get some further opinions. I'd like very honest, frank answers so thanks in advance for sharing on an intimate subject. Apologies if any similar threads have been made before.

In a nutshell, he made it sound like men are desperate for sex until the day they die and women could take it or leave it. I am single and a virgin but even I know most women want sex probably just as much as men do! So I'd really like to know from married Christians what your experience/views are on men vs. women in the libido department (I've already done some research into this in the secular world but I suppose waiting until marriage could make a difference to things). Do women want it as much? Ever initiate it? Does libido go up and down over time or based on age?

It would be nice if pastors would stick to preaching the Bible instead of speculating and giving opinion not based on fact. I heard this same kind of thing at a marriage conference recently and it is completely false. Some men have less of a sex drive than woman. It doesn't really matter if they do or don't. Couple need to talk to each other about what they want and need and communicate it with kindness and sensitivity. And that pastor needs to stick to preaching the Word instead of sharing his bias opinions.

 

[Johnnz]

The history of the church and sex is rather sad. Thankfully there are informed Christians who are redressing that past, but their views are not yet 'mainstream' for large sections of the Christian community. Today women are articulating their sexuality with greater confidence and that is challenging the unfounded views still promulgated today. Women have the same range of sexual drive as men. Biblically each partner is to ensure neither is denied sexually what they respectfully desire.

John
NZ

 

[dayhiker]

good points.
I think so many in the church have heard the same limited message about what Christians can do sexually for so long that its hard for us to figure out what is right Biblically and what isn't right.

 

[Mrs Awesome]

good points.
I think so many in the church have heard the same limited message about what Christians can do sexually for so long that its hard for us to figure out what is right Biblically and what isn't right.

The thing is, most people (especially Christians), don't realize that God WANTS us to have amazing sex! He WANTS us to do it like rabbits and enjoy our bodies.

It's pretty cool that He'd find our sex lives important enough to dedicate space for it in his Holy Word! The guidelines and rules and expectations He's laid out for us in the Bible are in place to help ENHANCE our sexual experiences, not hinder them. I wish more people realized that.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I've have yet to hear a sermon about the Song Of Solomon (aka the very sexual song lol). If we had sermons about it I think MANY would change their views on sex when married. Sadly we pretty much pound into peoples heads sex is bad until married... but we don't teach those that are married that sex is no longer bad when married.

So once your married many still tend to think of it as bad sometimes and don't have the bets of sex life as they could.

 

[Dave-W]

It's pretty cool that He'd find our sex lives important enough to dedicate space for it in his Holy Word!

And not just something private but of community-wide importance with accountability outside the marriage relationship. If that was not so then why would a mere man (Apostle Paul) be allowed to give specific commands to engage? (1 Cor 7) And he was not even married at the time.

 

[ParentofChildren]

My pastor spoke a few weeks back on sex, it is the first time he's delivered a message which I have felt so strongly opposed to! To the point I'm still mad about it now, hence me taking it up here to get some further opinions. I'd like very honest, frank answers so thanks in advance for sharing on an intimate subject. Apologies if any similar threads have been made before.

In a nutshell, he made it sound like men are desperate for sex until the day they die and women could take it or leave it. I am single and a virgin but even I know most women want sex probably just as much as men do! So I'd really like to know from married Christians what your experience/views are on men vs. women in the libido department (I've already done some research into this in the secular world but I suppose waiting until marriage could make a difference to things). Do women want it as much? Ever initiate it? Does libido go up and down over time or based on age?

My wife has in later years... This is normal. Everyone is different; and other factors apply.

 

[mkgal1]

I've have yet to hear a sermon about the Song Of Solomon (aka the very sexual song lol). If we had sermons about it I think MANY would change their views on sex when married. Sadly we pretty much pound into peoples heads sex is bad until married... but we don't teach those that are married that sex is no longer bad when married.

So once your married many still tend to think of it as bad sometimes and don't have the bets of sex life as they could.

Pope John Paul II wrote something called the Theology of the Body---and Christopher West has sort of simplified it a bit. I don't agree with *all* of what that entails.....but (IMO) it really brings together the beauty of our sexual relationships. CW has several videos on YT. Just like anything related to this topic---it's easy to misunderstand the point....but I think the one video that may be the clearest is: The Playboy and the Pope".

 

[Dave-W]

In a nutshell, he made it sound like men are desperate for sex until the day they die and women could take it or leave it.

I am sorry I replied to some other comment before commenting on the OP.

Your pastor here is spouting the standard mid 20th century evangelical party line:

Men want sex (bad) Women can take it or leave it (good)
Men trade love for sex (bad) Women trade sex for love (bad)

I am single and a virgin but even I know most women want sex probably just as much as men do!

That means you know better than your pastor who has NEVER BEEN A WOMAN and probably never had this conversation with his wife to find out how the other half experiences life.

So I'd really like to know from married Christians what your experience/views are on men vs. women in the libido department (I've already done some research into this in the secular world but I suppose waiting until marriage could make a difference to things). Do women want it as much? Ever initiate it? Does libido go up and down over time or based on age?

My experience is somewhat skewed because my wife was seriously and repetedly molested in grade school so she got a very warped view of sex while getting extremely negative teachings from home and church. So she shut herself down in that department when she hit puberty.

But what I have found for OTHER women is that the usual "cycle" is that there is a peak of sexual desire in the mid to late teens which then drops off during the 20s but then hits a larger peak for much of the 30s. There is a christian website for all things concerning married sex called themarriagebed. The Byerlys (list owners) have compiled a LOT of available research and pulled data from their own members.

You say you did some research. Did you find this interesting tidbit which was reported in the Huffington Post? (last October I think) They reported that by far the BIGGEST group who looks at Gay Male porn (men on men action) is straight women.

And to think that just over 100 years ago western medical science believed that women had no sex drive/desire/release whatsoever. Somehow it got "discovered" in the first decade of the 1900s.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

There's no inherent, biological reason why women couldn't/wouldn't have as high a sex drive as men. Based on 46 years of experience with my wife, I can confirm it.

Over time, men will typically hear tons of complaints from other men about lack of sex. In the situations that I know personally, if there were no medical, traumatic, or mental causes, lower sex drive in the wives was due to relationship issues. In some of these cases, the wife cheated or later re-married, so the desire for sex must have been there, even if dormant. The husband either doesn't consider relationship issues the problem, or discounts it. After all, he's the other half and he still wants it, so how can it be?

Maybe it's just low sex drive, it happens. But there are other indicators of relationship issues. And if you ask them is she affectionate? Is she considerate? Does she like spending time with you, and actively pursue it? Does she stand up for you? Compliment you to others? (And so on.) If they start to deflate and mumble, that's the answer.

Pastors aren't exempt, at least the one I know very personally isn't.

 

[anewday]

To answer the OP, yes, and some want it more than men, but I think others have said the same thing. Plus, every individual is different.

 

[JohnNess]

I haven't read all the posts, but one thing I'd add is that sexual desire is a much simpler equation for men than for women. For men, testosterone levels are directly linked to sex. We also need someone we enjoy looking at. Finally, we need someone who wants to have sex with us. That's about it.
For women, or at least, for my wife and the handful of women with whom I've discussed this, there is a desire for the physical aspect of sex, but they want that physical act more if they feel loved. With no connection already established, these women said they have a more difficult time feeling sexual desire.
There's also where she is in her monthly cycle, her age, stresses of life, her hormonal balance, etc. Again, not speaking about all women, but just most of those whose opinions I know.

 

[kmrichard7]

Statistically, scientifically, and personally speaking mens libido are higher in the younger years. In the late 20s through 30s women's libido increases and often surpasses the men's and stays that way throughout adulthood and often old age.
This has so far been proven to be true in my relationship. Its not true in every relationship but it fits the majority.

 

[Dave-W]

Statistically, scientifically, and personally speaking mens libido are higher in the younger years. In the late 20s through 30s women's libido increases and often surpasses the men's and stays that way throughout adulthood and often old age.
This has so far been proven to be true in my relationship. Its not true in every relationship but it fits the majority.

IN this western culture (which did not even recognize a female sex drive existed until the early 1900s) women's libido has been so downplayed that in many cases it is suppressed, especially in the teen years.

If that were NOT the case (and in many cultures it is not) the drive in the teen years is probably equal to, or maybe even higher than, the male drive.

 

[dgiharris]

This question can be answered with simple mathematics and observation.

Do women love food as much as men?
Look at the statistics for obesity and look at the average percentage of body fat for women and men... If you look at the data, it would show that yes, women indeed love food as much if not moreso than men.

Do women want sex as much as men?
Look at the sex ads and sex listings in the yellow pages. Look at the number of male strip clubs compared to female strip clubs. Look at the number of male escorts as opposed to female escorts. Look at the number of male brothels compared to female brothels. The data is clear in every city in the world, the answer is no. Not even close.

Now, am I saying women don't like sex? No. I'm sure women like sex. I'm sure women like sex alot. But the simple fact is, a woman does not want sex as much as men.

Don't believe me, try this experiment.

Grab a clipboard and do a random survey. Go to any public place and ask the following question:
If you had the opportunity to have sex with an averagely attractive person who is a complete stranger, and there is no chance of STDs or anything (they were tested), would you have sex with said person if they asked you to?

Overwhelming percentage of men would answer yes, overwhelming percentage of women would answer no.

You can make all the excuses and rationalizations etc etc you like. But the simple truth is, the math and data overwhelmingly show that men are way more sexual than women. If I do a quick search on a prominent escort site for my city, I see there are 135 female escorts available and 2 male escorts available. If I go to another major city I see there are 235 female escorts and 1 male escort. Looking at another major city I see 198 female escorts and 0 male escorts...

Looking at strip clubs in my city there are 12 strip clubs featuring women and only 1 strip club featuring men and that strip club is primarily for gay men...

 

[Dave-W]

Don't believe me, try this experiment.

This method has TONS of cultural biases built into it.

INVALID

 

[kmrichard7]

This method has TONS of cultural biases built into it.

INVALID

Yes!

Sorry dgiharris but you're way off with your reasoning. There are so many flaws in what you said, so many that its impossible to count.

 

[dayhiker]

The differences in approached show how hard this is to figure out.
I think(my unfounded opinions) because of all the shaming men have done to women who show much interest sex most women suppress their sexual desires.
In general, woman can get sex from people they know easier than men can so no desire to go to strip club and get more shaming.

The woman I'm dating in their 50's to 70's sure are interested in sex, I'd even say a lot of sex! Some are even dating more than one guy to get as much as they want.

Many older men can't get it up and so don't date.
Both men and women can be on medication that take away desire.

There is a saying that makes a lot of sense to me, men shut down their heart(expression of love and intimacy) and women shut down their sexual desire (but still want to love) from their hurt we have thru life. So we are often at odds one meeting each other and giving the other sex what they desire.

So which sex desires, wants more sex ... so hard to tell!

 

[dgiharris]

This method has TONS of cultural biases built into it.

INVALID

Yes!

Sorry dgiharris but you're way off with your reasoning. There are so many flaws in what you said, so many that its impossible to count.

I'm sorry, but simply saying "invalid" is hardly a counter argument.

I'm a big fan of math and data. If one is making an assertion that "woman like X just as much as men" then the data and simple mathematics should bear that out.

And in terms of sex, the data and math do not back up the claim. You have to come up with a ton of convoluted reasons, reasons that do NOT apply to other logical aspects of life. Reasons that do not transfer to anything else but this one thing that you are trying to twist into an excuse.

I'm simply using simple math. If I make the claim, woman like chocolate just as much as men, then it should be fairly easy for me to back up that claim with simple logic, data and math. I should be able to go to a store and look at the sales data of who is buying what. I should be able to go to a restaurant and observe the number of chocolate deserts ordered by both sexes.

In matters of sex, the data does "not" back up the assertion women like sex as much as men. You have to rely on anecdotes and excuses and convoluted spaghetti logic to explain away the lack of data.

Sorry, that is not how logical arguments work. You can disagree with me all you like, but data is on my side in such overwhelming numbers that this argument is laughable.

My points and logic need no convolution or spaghetti logic to explain. My points are backed up by simple math and data and any social experiment you can come up with. In fact, according to your logic (or lack thereof) I bet you can't even conceive of an experiment that proves your point or argument.

On the contrary, I can come up with one. I would find a semi-attractive woman, aged 30. I would then see how many men should could solicit to have sex with. I would give her the story, "I found my husband in bed with his secretary and I want to get back at him, I know I don't know you and you don't know me but would you like to get a hotel room right now."

I would bet that this woman could EASILY get 10 men of average attractiveness to agree to have sex with her within one hour. The age range of men could easily be from age 18 to 40.

But reverse the experiment. Get a semi-attractive man age 30 and have him do the exact same thing and see how many females of average attractiveness he could get to have sex with him in one hour.

Of course, your spaghetti logic will figure out a way to declare this experiment "invalid..."

Anyways, just a thought. You can't prove your claims when I can so easily prove mine. Just sayin. Again, I'd invite you to come up with an experiment that proves that women want sex as much as men.

Again, I'm not saying women don't like sex. Sure, they like sex. But they don't like it to the degree men do. Simple math and data proves my point.

 

[dgiharris]

The differences in approached show how hard this is to figure out.
I think(my unfounded opinions) because of all the shaming men have done to women who show much interest sex most women suppress their sexual desires.

Could you please explain why this shaming doesn't impact the obesity rate with women compared to men.

Our society is brutal to women in regards to appearance. The psychological abuse women undergo their entire lives in regards to their appearance is something men can never truly appreciate.

Basically from 3 years old a girl is given an impossible standard to meet in the form of a barbie doll. The proportions are impossible, the beauty is flawless, and girls are told "you must look like this to be pretty". Then there are magazines and commercials and movies and TV and a thousand images of "beauty" that girls are told they must adhere to.

And yet, despite all of that, the obesity rate among women is comparable to men

Basically, I'm just saying the logic and data don't support each other. If women have this zen like self control over their sexual urges why doesn't this translate into food?

If women are shamed into not liking sex, then why doesn't that same shame lower their obesity rate as compared to men?

Why doesn't the logic hold when you try to transcribe it to something else?

There are two possibilities.

#1) There is a valid super complex reason explaining the lack of data to support the assertion

or....

#2) The assertion is false.