My father has been living in another state because of a job for some years. He has told my mother he's divorcing her because she "won't change" and she "stresses him" and I personally think because of money disagreements. Because of the laws in our state my mother has no choice. She communicated wanting to work things out, but he ignored her request because he was too offended that she pointed out he "lied" about a stroke (he hid it and denied it when mum pointed out his slurring). At first he told her she can practically keep everything and he'd keep sending money (my mother doesn't make enough to live off of). But he sent her a very sketchy and ambiguous document to sign which my mother's lawyer told her not to sign because it would take away ALL rights to ANYTHING. My father told my mother he was sorry and that he didn't know about that. But instead of getting a proper legal document that says what he said he'd do, he's wanting asset information for the court. If they go to court and they can't reach an agreement, it could get ugly. Depending on what my father does, my mother, sister, and I could stand to lose our home and everything in splitting assets for a divorce. He hasn't been transparent about his income, his spending, or even medical problems. I don't know if I can trust him anymore. I don't know how hard his heart has become or if he can see past his own pain enough to see how much he's hurting us. I don't even know if he's mentally sound.
My family has problems. No one is innocent. But my father more than anyone doesn't know how to have relationships or deal with emotions and thus has been tearing apart our family. Everyone in our family is emotionally crippled and insecure because of him. He has never dealt with his own grief with his parents or his explosive anger. He's been evading it, blaming others, and taking it out on his us, his family, for as long as I can remember. And in recent years he's taken to isolating himself from the whole family, I am sure because that's easier than dealing with the mess he's helped create. Ironically he doing to us what his own parents did to him. It's not that he doesn't want to love us or that he doesn't try, but that he is incapable because he hasn't learned to deal with what's inside of him. I've spent all my life trying to not hate him, trying to forgive him, to love him, to give him a chance even though he's not been there emotionally and has emotionally abused us.
To say I'm angry is an understatement. I'm angry not only because of his shadiness and hypocrisy now, but the whole situation has brought back all the pain from when he lived with us. I've been crying for the last 3-4 days. I'm angry and so sad because he had his whole life to change. He had opportunity, he had chances, he wasn't entirely blind, he could have overcome it all, it didn't have to be this way. He could have been happy and had a family who loved and adored him. But he's thrown it all out and kept his head in the sand, because that's easier.
He hasn't called me or told me anything. He hasn't asked me if I'm okay or how I feel about what's going on. Not that I expect that. I want to call him to talk things out. But frankly I'm afraid to talk to him or be remotely honest or talk about the situation as adults. I'm afraid if I say literally one wrong thing, he'll blow up and shut down or worse -- retaliate against us or my mother in some way because he's hurt or feels justified. Because that's a very real reality. I'm at the point where right now I feel like all I can tell him is how afraid I am of him. I really wish I could tell him how much I'm hurting. To ask him to seek out help, to try counseling, but I know... I know he won't listen. He never did in the past. He just shrugs everything off or that "I'll understand one day". And I do understand, I understand how destructive his ways are and I've learned and I'm learning to be emotionally healthy.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to fix this marriage... it's not mine to fix. I've given up fixing my family and I'm all the happier for it. It's their responsibility, not mine. At most I just point in a direction and leave it to them. I don't even care if he cuts me off, because my life is better without him. It would be a lot easier to just not deal with him or this situation. I can't tell you how many times I wish I'd wake up and find this untrue. I just want to be honest with my father. To be able to talk as mature adults. I want treat my father as Christ would. I just want to minimize the damage, like ask my father to at least write out a proper legal document that says what he told my mother rather than taking this to court and getting petty -- because this does involve me and my HOME. It's not just their problem.
Please, if you've been through stuff like this, share whatever advice or comfort you can offer...
My family has problems. No one is innocent. But my father more than anyone doesn't know how to have relationships or deal with emotions and thus has been tearing apart our family. Everyone in our family is emotionally crippled and insecure because of him. He has never dealt with his own grief with his parents or his explosive anger. He's been evading it, blaming others, and taking it out on his us, his family, for as long as I can remember. And in recent years he's taken to isolating himself from the whole family, I am sure because that's easier than dealing with the mess he's helped create. Ironically he doing to us what his own parents did to him. It's not that he doesn't want to love us or that he doesn't try, but that he is incapable because he hasn't learned to deal with what's inside of him. I've spent all my life trying to not hate him, trying to forgive him, to love him, to give him a chance even though he's not been there emotionally and has emotionally abused us.
To say I'm angry is an understatement. I'm angry not only because of his shadiness and hypocrisy now, but the whole situation has brought back all the pain from when he lived with us. I've been crying for the last 3-4 days. I'm angry and so sad because he had his whole life to change. He had opportunity, he had chances, he wasn't entirely blind, he could have overcome it all, it didn't have to be this way. He could have been happy and had a family who loved and adored him. But he's thrown it all out and kept his head in the sand, because that's easier.
He hasn't called me or told me anything. He hasn't asked me if I'm okay or how I feel about what's going on. Not that I expect that. I want to call him to talk things out. But frankly I'm afraid to talk to him or be remotely honest or talk about the situation as adults. I'm afraid if I say literally one wrong thing, he'll blow up and shut down or worse -- retaliate against us or my mother in some way because he's hurt or feels justified. Because that's a very real reality. I'm at the point where right now I feel like all I can tell him is how afraid I am of him. I really wish I could tell him how much I'm hurting. To ask him to seek out help, to try counseling, but I know... I know he won't listen. He never did in the past. He just shrugs everything off or that "I'll understand one day". And I do understand, I understand how destructive his ways are and I've learned and I'm learning to be emotionally healthy.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to fix this marriage... it's not mine to fix. I've given up fixing my family and I'm all the happier for it. It's their responsibility, not mine. At most I just point in a direction and leave it to them. I don't even care if he cuts me off, because my life is better without him. It would be a lot easier to just not deal with him or this situation. I can't tell you how many times I wish I'd wake up and find this untrue. I just want to be honest with my father. To be able to talk as mature adults. I want treat my father as Christ would. I just want to minimize the damage, like ask my father to at least write out a proper legal document that says what he told my mother rather than taking this to court and getting petty -- because this does involve me and my HOME. It's not just their problem.
Please, if you've been through stuff like this, share whatever advice or comfort you can offer...
