Devastated

[Lynnjo]

I married in 1984, and we have 2 grown children. We became Christian in 1989. My husband then confessed to multiple one night stands. After that he was not a very nice person, I would tell him he was hurting me and wrote several letters over the years. He began drinking in 99, fast forward to today, over those years he made it obvious he liked women, but I had the confidence that he would never cheat again, still he was not very nice and was very self centered. In may of 2017 he talked with me about divorce, I found out he was having a very strong emotional affair at work, over the last 2 years I have had about 7 revelations, the continuing lies have destroyed me on top of this affair, I could be here all day, he then has confessed to another one night stand in 2011. I am utterly destroyed, to the point I can barely function, he states he probably was never saved but is def now, I dont have a thread of belief in him, I cant understand y for 2 YEARS he would see me get better only to destroy me again, and the last one has been the worse, this has caused me to question God, I don't know what to do, I'm trying to force myself to continue with him becuade he says he is truly sorry this time. Most of this 2 years has been spent with absolutely no one to talk to, I did see my pastor last year even though he didn't want me to, then released to our children this year, that wasn't good. This past weekend I got more revelation from him, and we both went to the pastor. Then yesterday more revelation, I mean seriously how much can one person handle? He says I know everything thing now, but that's been stated multiple times. I'm desperate.i am trying to trust God. My WHOLE being is in utter despair.

 

[anna ~ grace]

This is horribly sad. Are you getting any counseling? Do you have a Christian counselor you can talk to / confide in?

 

[Southernscotty]

Friend I agree with @Gracia Singh above on seeking counselling for your marriage.
Do whatever you can to save it.

Love is not what you feel. Love is what you do!

 

[Lynnjo]

This is horribly sad. Are you getting any counseling? Do you have a Christian counselor you can talk to / confide in?

No counseling, at first he convinced me not to, but seems to be ok with it now. My one concern is I am in a very fragile condition and I don't even know how to make sure the counseling is straight biblical truth based and that scares me.

 

[Endeavourer]

I am so sorry for the reasons you are posting. Second and other subsequent D-days (discovery days) are often more shattering than the first.

Your husband is a serial cheater. He is open to affairs and even looks for them, as evidenced in his behavior. The ONS are telling; these are not situations of attachment that got out of control but an statement that he is unable (and unwilling) to control himself.

Here is some detailed information about affairs, put together by a Christian psychologist who had made a study about affairs and how - or even whether - to recover after an affair - whether staying in the marriage or exiting the marriage:
How to Survive Infidelity (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
What to Do with a Serial Cheater (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

Hugs and prayers. You are not alone. Many of your sisters in Christ have already been on this excruciating path, and as one of them, I will hold you up in prayer. Once you process this and take steps that your life will never be impacted by this man's affair again (whether divorce or other preventive measures), you will start feeling better. There is hope on your road ahead, I promise. I'm so sorry.

 

[Endeavourer]

No counseling, at first he convinced me not to, but seems to be ok with it now. My one concern is I am in a very fragile condition and I don't even know how to make sure the counseling is straight biblical truth based and that scares me.

You are right to be scared about this. Just because someone says they are "Biblical" doesn't mean they are. Sometimes they just heap more damage upon the situation, such as if they advise you to give your husband space, or to pray instead of being proactive to stop the affair. (you can both pray and be proactive)

I've been through a very hard road and received God-sent help from the guidance forum at Marriagebuilders.com. At first I doubted they were "Biblical" because of some filters I had that were twisted, unknown to me. However, in time, their advice proved to be so accurate and ultimately was the only thing that would work. After a few years of their help, I started realizing things in Scripture that I hadn't noticed before and received an "aha!" moment of how beautifully the pattern of advice on that forum is woven from the full counsel of Scripture.

I've been a diligent follower of the guidance forum at marriagebuilders.com since 2011 when I was slogging through my crucible, so to speak, and have seen the wisdom of Dr. Harley's research playing out time after time in so many situations. He has a methodical step by step path for recovering from an affair. Sometimes recovery is staying in the marriage, sometimes it's divorce. It depends on how your husband reacts to the blast of reality you will heap on the affair and how you feel about working on the marriage one more time. If you are too worn out to move forward, it's your right to chose not to.

One of the things that helped me is the day I realized how all of the Proverbs about an angry man didn't have the "unless he is your husband" caveat to them. Then it started sinking in that the FULL counsel of scripture applies to even marital relationships, not just the marriage verses.

Please consider posting your story on the guidance forum there for free, step by step help that is more reliable and effective than any marriage counseling I ever had.

 

[Justasurvivor]

I married in 1984, and we have 2 grown children. We became Christian in 1989. My husband then confessed to multiple one night stands. After that he was not a very nice person, I would tell him he was hurting me and wrote several letters over the years. He began drinking in 99, fast forward to today, over those years he made it obvious he liked women, but I had the confidence that he would never cheat again, still he was not very nice and was very self centered. In may of 2017 he talked with me about divorce, I found out he was having a very strong emotional affair at work, over the last 2 years I have had about 7 revelations, the continuing lies have destroyed me on top of this affair, I could be here all day, he then has confessed to another one night stand in 2011. I am utterly destroyed, to the point I can barely function, he states he probably was never saved but is def now, I dont have a thread of belief in him, I cant understand y for 2 YEARS he would see me get better only to destroy me again, and the last one has been the worse, this has caused me to question God, I don't know what to do, I'm trying to force myself to continue with him becuade he says he is truly sorry this time. Most of this 2 years has been spent with absolutely no one to talk to, I did see my pastor last year even though he didn't want me to, then released to our children this year, that wasn't good. This past weekend I got more revelation from him, and we both went to the pastor. Then yesterday more revelation, I mean seriously how much can one person handle? He says I know everything thing now, but that's been stated multiple times. I'm desperate.i am trying to trust God. My WHOLE being is in utter despair.

now you know a part of God's heart when you were cheated on by your spouse just know that God was also cheated on and understand that he is still going through what you went through accept for thousands of years and still today

 

[Oldmantook]

Based on my experience with marriage counseling Christian couples, the people were bent on doing what they wanted to do. Both have to be committed to the process. One spouse wanted to reconcile while the other continued to want a divorce without having any scriptural grounds despite being a Christian. Looking back, I think the people thought it's okay if they sin, it's okay because God will forgive me because after all, I'm a Christian. I should have warned them not to presume upon God's grace. After all, the scriptures do warn that no adulterers will inherit the kingdom of God. The fear of God can be a good thing. Instead, because at that time I believed in eternal security, I regret that I did not warn them to cease from sin. It is easy to gloss over sin and still think that one is still a Christian in good standing with God. It's good that your husband is now open the possibility of counseling however you are right to be concerned about what will transpire during those sessions. If you attend a church, ask the pastor(s) about what their marriage counseling approach is. Is it scriptural and do you trust and feel comfortable with their approach? Ask a lot of questions. If you don't attend church, you can call/visit a local church and ask the same questions. Or do research over the internet as there are tons of marriage counseling ministries. In that way you will know what you are getting into before you and your husband enter into counseling.

 

[Lynnjo]

Based on my experience with marriage counseling Christian couples, the people were bent on doing what they wanted to do. Both have to be committed to the process. One spouse wanted to reconcile while the other continued to want a divorce without having any scriptural grounds despite being a Christian. Looking back, I think the people thought it's okay if they sin, it's okay because God will forgive me because after all, I'm a Christian. I should have warned them not to presume upon God's grace. After all, the scriptures do warn that no adulterers will inherit the kingdom of God. The fear of God can be a good thing. Instead, because at that time I believed in eternal security, I regret that I did not warn them to cease from sin. It is easy to gloss over sin and still think that one is still a Christian in good standing with God. It's good that your husband is now open the possibility of counseling however you are right to be concerned about what will transpire during those sessions. If you attend a church, ask the pastor(s) about what their marriage counseling approach is. Is it scriptural and do you trust and feel comfortable with their approach? Ask a lot of questions. If you don't attend church, you can call/visit a local church and ask the same questions. Or do research over the internet as there are tons of marriage counseling ministries. In that way you will know what you are getting into before you and your husband enter into counseling.

The interesting thing is way back when he started drinking he had a couple of dreams which we knew and still know were from God. Basically in the dream God was telling him what was going to happen if he continued. In his dream we lost our house, and a broken down house was given, I was with another man and he was asking me why I did this and the end was a casket in the ground with people above kicking in dirt. Well we lost our house in 2013, (dream was around 2002), the house we live in is old and needs alot of work(let ne be clear i am thankful we have a place to live) he basically ignored the dream. Another dream was we were walking down a street and a box with a snake in it had swallowed a marriage. This dream happened when he was on his last "adventure". He knows it was another warning, but I believe it to be our marriage as i have nothing left in me and feel completely devoured. There are others also.

 

[Endeavourer]

i have nothing left in me and feel completely devoured. There are others also.

You cannot continue to survive these affairs. They are toxic to your health.

In your shock and despair you feel completely weak, but I promise you that once you start taking effective steps towards control of this situation you will start feeling so much better. Have you exposed these affairs to your children and your family? Often that is the first knock of reality on the affair, and the first step towards recovering from the devastation.

Don't ask your husband's permission and don't even tell him you are going to do it. Just reach out to your family, friends and church to let them know you are devastated because of your husbands affairs and ask them to help you persuade your husband to stop his affairs. It's not retribution - it is a sincere request for the love and support you need right now. When he starts hearing from everyone (without expecting to) he'll start to see his behavior in their eyes. That's a really important first blow to the wayward behavior. Their support will help give you strength for your path ahead.

 

[Lynnjo]

You cannot continue to survive these affairs. They are toxic to your health.

In your shock and despair you feel completely weak, but I promise you that once you start taking effective steps towards control of this situation you will start feeling so much better. Have you exposed these affairs to your children and your family? Often that is the first knock of reality on the affair, and the first step towards recovering from the devastation.

Don't ask your husband's permission and don't even tell him you are going to do it. Just reach out to your family, friends and church to let them know you are devastated because of your husbands affairs and ask them to help you persuade your husband to stop his affairs. It's not retribution - it is a sincere request for the love and support you need right now. When he starts hearing from everyone (without expecting to) he'll start to see his behavior in their eyes. That's a really important first blow to the wayward behavior. Their support will help give you strength for your path ahead.

 

[Lynnjo]

I already told my children and they are not handling it well, my oldest daughter(who happens to be what I thought a very strong person) seems to be having the toughest times, she has basically told me it stresses her out to much and she can't handle it. My youngest is so so. But, my oldest died have 6 children and my youngest has 4 and of course they are usually really busy, truly I don't want to lay a heavy burden on them.

 

[Endeavourer]

I already told my children and they are not handling it well, my oldest daughter(who happens to be what I thought a very strong person) seems to be having the toughest times, she has basically told me it stresses her out to much and she can't handle it.

I wish I could give her a hug. She is not supposed to have to handle something like this. You did the right thing. I pray that she communicates her distress to your husband.

My youngest is so so. But, my oldest died have 6 children and my youngest has 4 and of course they are usually really busy, truly I don't want to lay a heavy burden on them.

The affair and the terrible behavior of your husband is what lays the heavy burden on you and everyone, not the disclosure of it. Do not feel that **you** are the one laying the heavy burden.

Hopefully they can let their dad know their poor opinion of his behavior and give you some much needed moral support.

 

[Oldmantook]

The interesting thing is way back when he started drinking he had a couple of dreams which we knew and still know were from God. Basically in the dream God was telling him what was going to happen if he continued. In his dream we lost our house, and a broken down house was given, I was with another man and he was asking me why I did this and the end was a casket in the ground with people above kicking in dirt. Well we lost our house in 2013, (dream was around 2002), the house we live in is old and needs alot of work(let ne be clear i am thankful we have a place to live) he basically ignored the dream. Another dream was we were walking down a street and a box with a snake in it had swallowed a marriage. This dream happened when he was on his last "adventure". He knows it was another warning, but I believe it to be our marriage as i have nothing left in me and feel completely devoured. There are others also.

I am very sorry to hear of your plight. It's important for you to get support from other women as you are not alone in your journey as we are instructed to strengthen and edify one another. Satan is a thief who seeks to kill and destroy. As you know, your husband needs to repent and turn from sin and that is only the beginning as strongholds have already been established. I hope you both find the help you need. I will remember to pray for you. May you find God's peace in the midst of everything.