dealing with a rude coworker

[Timahani]

Hi All,

I havent been on here in a very long time but I just needed some quick advice. I have a coworker who I really liked in the beginning because she really helped me get acquainted with my new job. Long story short, the more I get to know her the more I am unsure of rather or not she is really a friend. My coworker is Hindu and is from India. She has been working as a teacher for 10 years and this is my 1st year working as a teacher. In short, she is really great about inviting me to Indian parties, she will help me if I ask her for like a ride or something, and she has invited me over 2x to her house. The problem is she is incredibly rude! For example:

She called me today asking me for advice on assignments or homework for her students. I tried to speak and she talked over me. She then continues to ask me questions, and then gives me short and nasty responses back. She will say something like: I was talking about my 5th and 6th hour kids. Then as I talk she will say:" Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah". Also if I come to her class she will talk to me quickly but then will state " Okay, I gotta go now, bye...and she will shew me off with her hands" ( like you would do a dog). She also stated that the book that I gave her, she will not read because shes not into those kind of books.

In the beginning of the year, she would always tell me things like: You are going to get into trouble for this, you are going to get into trouble for that, lower your expectations for your students, you give them too much work. That ceased however, when my students test scores came back and my class ranked 1st in spelling, and 2nd in all other English subjects. She placed 2nd to the last out of our entire district and she has been teaching 10 years. In addition, her class is COMPLETLY OUT OF CONTROL. They cuss her out, they will talk over her, fights start in her classroom. My classroom is the complete opposite, and her students are often removed from her class and placed in my class instead.

The deal breaker for me came when, I gave her a gift and both of her children gifts. She stated to me that her child was very sick due to one of the hair products for kids that I gave her. Later, she found out that her child was bitten by an insect and had an severe allergic reaction to the insect bite. Which was the cause of her illness, not my gift. In my head I was like REALLY?

Long story short, we eat lunch together everyday; however, I dont know how to feel about her. My fear as a Christian is that I am going to SNAP on her. I do really great with my attitude for months on end, but my problem is that when someone keeps pressing my buttons for an extended period of time. I usually end up getting the last word, and the after math is not nice. I really need advice. Please.

 

[Tolworth John]

Two options.
1. make an appointment to talk with her and explain how you feel about how she is treating you, stress hopw much you valve her friendship etc etc etc and ask her to treat you better.

2 nd option accept she is jealous of you and is trying to take you down and start withdrawing from her.

 

[timewerx]

I think she's jealous of you.

In that case, confronting her might only make things worse. You may report her behavior ONLY if you have full trust of your principal.

Stop giving her gifts, especially food. She might have food poisoning and blame it on you and even sue you.

Are you also from India? Your name sounds Indian.

It's strange thing, fellow immigrants often tend to be hostile to each other in the work place. Competition tends to be fierce. My aunt often faces similar problems at work.

You can slowly distance yourself from her. But never stop greeting her. Never totally ignore her.

I have also endured similar treatment at work. It might be wrong that I never did anything about. I simply kept my smile, kept positive, kept doing my best. Eventually, I was treated better and better.

 

[RDKirk]

I've worked closely with many Indians (for several years I was the only American in an IT team with 17 Indians--they were programmers, I was the network guy who maintained the servers, so they saw themselves as a step above me). Part of what you're describing is cultural difference, including the fact that as someone with more experience on the job, she sees herself as senior to you. Even if you're as good or better doing the work, she still sees herself as the senior person. That's culture, and how a senior person relates to a junior is also culture.

I was having lunch with an Indian coworker at one time, and he said one of the interesting cultural differences he noted in the US was that Americans commonly treated service people (restaurant waitstaff, for instance) with a level of respect that in Indians reserved for persons in authority or at least equal in status. They would not, for instance, catch the attention of a waitress with, "Excuse me, miss!"

Plus, she might also be a natural jerk (and would be considered so even by other Indians), and that happens as well.

The issue, though, is that regardless of her character, even fully acknowledging her character failures, as a Christian our character must be like that of Christ.

Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.

bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

Don't think she isn't evaluating you in that respect, either. If she is a religious Hindu, I will guarantee you she is taking notes of how you deport yourself as a Christian. Some of the Indians I know are Christian, and they testify that Hindus observe their display of Christ even more closely.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Long story short, we eat lunch together everyday; however, I dont know how to feel about her. My fear as a Christian is that I am going to SNAP on her. I do really great with my attitude for months on end, but my problem is that when someone keeps pressing my buttons for an extended period of time. I usually end up getting the last word, and the after math is not nice. I really need advice. Please.

I recently had a problem with a coworker as well. he too was being rude.
He was talking over the top of me. Finally I decided to leave the conversation while he was mid-sentence. he stopped talking and got my attention. "I'm not enjoying this conversation Virgil. Bye"
Then I texted him, explaining how I felt in detail. I said things like " If you don't mind I'm going to take a break. I don't enjoy our conversations anymore. I don't feel respected."
I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks now but my life is far more peaceful at work. I will greet him of course but I don't plan on renewing our friendship.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Plus, she might also be a natural jerk (and would be considered so even by other Indians), and that happens as well.

from what the OP says, she sounds like a jerk. I've worked with several Indians. Most of them are very competent and good communicators. Some are quite arrogant however, if they hold senior positions. they don't think they have to respect those below. overall I've had a good experience with Indians. They can be hilarious in fact!

 

[Another Lazarus]

I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks now but my life is far more peaceful at work. I will greet him of course but I don't plan on renewing our friendship.

We have to question ourselves are we ready to pray for our enemies as Jesus told us ?
Matt 5:43 You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
44 but i tell you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

If you return the evil with evil what goodness do you plant ? you're just the same
If you return curses with curses why are you singing at church ? useless.
You cannot sing to praise God and use your lips to curse others.
God knows what you do, God cannot be licked with praises.
Its the cross that we must bear which will glorify God with our life.

To take revenge is easy but to pray for our enemies is the least thing you can do in your useless short life be4 buried for eternity.

To seek God's will in our life, or to seek the will of our flesh and blood.

May Jesus bless you all HalleluYAH

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

If you return the evil with evil what goodness do you plant ? you're just the same

I'm not returning evil for evil. I'm protecting myself as I recommend the OP do as well. I prayed for Him at home. Christians are not doormats. We have to survive in the world and earn a living. I'm not going to continue being harassed. You might call that being Christian. I don't.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Without wishing to hijack the thread, let me say this. I want to help the OP. I think I can best help the OP by treating him as a fellow human being,a fellow traveller. I care about him because I have experienced something similar. I don't feel compelled to quote the Bible in order to do this. I want him to learn self-protection and assertiveness. learn this while he is young. it is such an important skill. This lady who is harassing him, he can only pray for. We cant be worried about everyone's soul at work and try saving them. We have our own job to do as does this young man.he is a young teacher. His priority is his own class and sounds like he is doing a great job already. This lady is getting in the way of him doing his job. She needs to back off asap so he can do what he was trained to do. Teach!

 

[lastofall]

Humility is the chief virtue of a Christian, and taking the wrong and forgiving is the result of humbling ourselves.

 

[Timahani]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much for your comments. They are so helpful. To answer your questions: I am female and I am fully American ( not of Indian descent all at). I have had a lot of respect for her and I have humbled myself. I have refused to argue with her and I am always there to assist her in anyway. Its just that lately, it is taking a toll on me. I feel anger and frustration brewing in my heart for her when she treats me with so much disrespect. It is starting to effect me mentally and that where I am beginning to draw the line! I just need to know how to do it professionally or how to handle myself in a Christian manner. It is really bad.

Thanks for taking time to respond

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I feel anger and frustration brewing in my heart for her when she treats me with so much disrespect. It is starting to effect me mentally and that where I am beginning to draw the line

See this is where prevention is better than cure,. Next time be more wary of people who are being "helpful". They might feel you owe them, down the line.
Now you're wound up and stressed out. First of all forgive yourself for feeling this way. You are human after all. And forgive the Indian lady. She may well still think she is behaving honorably. it is her lack of self-awareness that seems the problem. But somehow you have to address her behaviour towards you. You are not comfortable with it. Are you comfortable with having "the difficult conversation" with her? If you value her friendship, then you probably have to. if you don't, then you had better avoid her and get on with your job.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I'm a former teacher by the way, so feel qualified to advise.

 

[RDKirk]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much for your comments. They are so helpful. To answer your questions: I am female and I am fully American ( not of Indian descent all at). I have had a lot of respect for her and I have humbled myself. I have refused to argue with her and I am always there to assist her in anyway. Its just that lately, it is taking a toll on me. I feel anger and frustration brewing in my heart for her when she treats me with so much disrespect. It is starting to effect me mentally and that where I am beginning to draw the line! I just need to know how to do it professionally or how to handle myself in a Christian manner. It is really bad.

Thanks for taking time to respond

Read the Psalms, particularly try to read them in private and out loud. There is a Psalm for whatever emotion you are feeling, and when you read it, it will resonate in your spirit like a tuning fork that hears its mate. For me in a similar situation, it was Psalm 56. Jesus knows where you are because He has been there, and there is a Psalm that will demonstrate it. But the thing about finding Jesus in your despair is that He won't let you stay there. He gets down into that hole with you and then lifts you out of it.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hi All,

I havent been on here in a very long time but I just needed some quick advice. I have a coworker who I really liked in the beginning because she really helped me get acquainted with my new job. Long story short, the more I get to know her the more I am unsure of rather or not she is really a friend. My coworker is Hindu and is from India. She has been working as a teacher for 10 years and this is my 1st year working as a teacher. In short, she is really great about inviting me to Indian parties, she will help me if I ask her for like a ride or something, and she has invited me over 2x to her house. The problem is she is incredibly rude! For example:

She called me today asking me for advice on assignments or homework for her students. I tried to speak and she talked over me. She then continues to ask me questions, and then gives me short and nasty responses back. She will say something like: I was talking about my 5th and 6th hour kids. Then as I talk she will say:" Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah". Also if I come to her class she will talk to me quickly but then will state " Okay, I gotta go now, bye...and she will shew me off with her hands" ( like you would do a dog). She also stated that the book that I gave her, she will not read because shes not into those kind of books.

In the beginning of the year, she would always tell me things like: You are going to get into trouble for this, you are going to get into trouble for that, lower your expectations for your students, you give them too much work. That ceased however, when my students test scores came back and my class ranked 1st in spelling, and 2nd in all other English subjects. She placed 2nd to the last out of our entire district and she has been teaching 10 years. In addition, her class is COMPLETLY OUT OF CONTROL. They cuss her out, they will talk over her, fights start in her classroom. My classroom is the complete opposite, and her students are often removed from her class and placed in my class instead.

The deal breaker for me came when, I gave her a gift and both of her children gifts. She stated to me that her child was very sick due to one of the hair products for kids that I gave her. Later, she found out that her child was bitten by an insect and had an severe allergic reaction to the insect bite. Which was the cause of her illness, not my gift. In my head I was like REALLY?

Long story short, we eat lunch together everyday; however, I dont know how to feel about her. My fear as a Christian is that I am going to SNAP on her. I do really great with my attitude for months on end, but my problem is that when someone keeps pressing my buttons for an extended period of time. I usually end up getting the last word, and the after math is not nice. I really need advice. Please.

Remember--being friendly towards the other teacher doesn't mean you have to accept her ill-treatment of you.
Put some space between the two of you...in short don't go out of your way to be her friend when she's clearly
showing you that she's not valuing/or respecting you; another poster mentioned about being a "doormat"...
it's true we aren't called to be a "doormat" we are to show agape but there nothing in the bible about always
taking someone else's ill-treatment of you...I'm saying all this because I took time to read through many of
your older threads and it's in there I noticed that you have a particular habit of overextending yourself with
people who don't value/respect you.

I read about you suffering lots of abusive treatment from many of your family members?
I'm so sorry that your life has been like that.
Have you been in counselling about all that abuse?
If you haven't, I really encourage you to seek counselling since you have experienced various types of abuse at
the hands of your family members and others of whom you were close to.

I think you should also ask for specific help in the areas of how to choose friends and on how to resolve issues in relationships/friendships, specially when you dealing with someone who isn't respecting you.
Where I live I've been around lots of young women who come from abusive homes and have seen them continue to make the same mistakes in choosing the wrong people to get close too. Even a good friend of mine married her abuser twice, she kept on for the longest time pretending her husband was a changed man because he cried some tears and put on a good act.
They divorced two years ago(their second divorce)...and I already see the signs that she still believes they
will get back together...even though he's made no attempt to get any help for his violent outburst an there's been no quitting of his partying ways.
Age hasn't improved things, both of them are now 50 years of age and have two grown children.

 

[LoricaLady]

It seems to me that any benefits in this relationship are far outweighed by the stress she is causing you. I do not know this woman but I do know there are those out there who ENJOY to be rude and bullying to others. Nothing you say, if that is true with her, nothing you do, will matter. She wants the pleasure of being nasty and/or controlling and if you are upset about that, it may just increase the fun.

I would gently and graciously distance myself from her. She may ask why you are doing that. I would personally not get into it, but be evasive. You don't really owe her any explanations. You are free to spend your time, for whatever reasons you choose, however you like. In response to any comments you can just say things like, "Well, that's interesting. I'll have to think about that some time. Right now I have a lot on my mind." Even if she throws a tantrum, stay cool and evasive and leave with some polite excuse and a quick look at your watch.

If she is an especially determined trouble maker she will try to put your down with colleagues. If you have to stand up for yourself, do not do it in her presence. If she questions you on anything you have said to others simply say "I'm sorry. That was a private conversation. Oh dear, I have so much to do right now. Have to run. Have a great day!" Avoid her as much as possible, though always treat her with general respect and courtesy as is due to all humans. I.e., nicely and politely ditch her. Permanently. MHOs.

 

[Goodbook]

Well..i cant stand it when people are rude either and what I do is pray for that person even thought they are being rude and ask God to help me with the words to say. If theyve been very rude I know to avoid them in the future if they dont apologise for their rudeness and continually do it.

Sometimes a way of confronting someone is to tell a story that they can recognise they are the rude character in that story and that way it convicts them.
It worked for Nathan confronting David over his adultery with Bathsheba.

Ive done that with someone who found out wasnt a true friend because of the way she gossiped and didnt think anything was wrong with it. Just shared a story about a gossiping person and I think she recongised herself to keep her mouth shut, and know im not going to hear gossip from her. Then God made it so i no longer have contact with each other and thats fine.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I'm saying all this because I took time to read through many of
your older threads and it's in there I noticed that you have a particular habit of overextending yourself with
people who don't value/respect you.

OH OK. I didn't know that. The OP needs to work on herself then. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Have strict boundaries and you will prevent people from doing this to you.
As much as I respect the Bible for its spiritual wisdom, I think we need to treat some problems from a mental health and psychological POV.

 

[Goodbook]

Just dont be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
As a general rule of thumb, its easier because this person is not identifying themselves as christian. So when you having a meal and saying grace and praising the Lord they actually may avoid you anyway. You cant really be friends with them because they dont count Jesus as their friend and Jesus is really the definition of what a true friend is like.

Another thing is you cant always expect your co-workers to be friends with you.

Its harder when someone is professing Christ, but acting just like an unbeliever.

 

[Timahani]

First of all,

I really would like to say "Thank You!" to each and everyone who gave advice. I appreciate it so much, and I will take into serious consideration all that was said . On another note, I would like to respond to a comment that was made. In the past, I did have a lot of trouble with my maternal family that was approximately 4 years ago. Since then, a lot has changed and I have cut off 99% contact. The only time that I have seen them has been when there is a death in the family. In reference to my job, I can truly attribute much of my success to the fact that I don't bring my personal issues into the work place. I am very hard working and I stay to myself at work. I think my background with my family has made me "skeptical" of new people and I dont "trust people" right away. The thing that is different between me when I was in a bad situation with my family versus now is that: 1) I am now able to identify when someone is not treating me with respect, 2) I wont put up with it , and 3) I have no problem moving on and cutting that person off if needed. Like any new relationship, I didn't really know her and she was really KIND and HELPFUL in the beginning. But like anyone, it takes time to truly get to know someone and their TRUE CHARACTER . So now that i have seen her character, I am just moving forward, and taking steps to solve the problem. And trust me hun, I dont expect to find true friendships at work, but it is nice to have a colleague or two who you can talk to every once in a while during lunch. In terms, of the counseling, I do think that I can benefit from additional support. So, thank you.