Dealing with a chronic complainer and negative friend

[Kaylaherin]

Hello! So my title is pretty self explanatory. I have a friend who complains just about everyday and she is always negative. I think a bit of a back story might help in this.
We have gotten to know each other only through my fiance, they were never close friends but in a way I feel that he introduced me to her so that she would have more friends in Christ that were women. So, we had gotten to know each other over time. Through those years, it seemed as if we had so much in common. We would always talk about our love for the Lord and how far He has brought us and how much we want to live and serve for the Lord, we had gotten to know about each others' families, and the things that we currently dealt with. So, I became familiar with things about herself. I knew that she dealt with a lot of rejection and past hurt that she still carried. I always tried to offer her a lending ear as well as give her encouragement and love in Christ and tried to speak things to her that would comfort her as well as give her sound advice, and for the most part she would partly listen...WELL, overtime it was as if it had gotten worse. The more we got to know each other, the more she came directly to me constantly complaining and going on these emotional rampages. It was like some days she would be in a place of truly following the Lord and talking about how much she knew she needed to change, then the next day she will literally blow up in her emotions saying things. She constantly says things like, 'I hate everyone','I don't know why I'm still alive', 'I hate my husbands family','I hate the way I look','I don't care about anything anymore' etc. and when she gets in those moods, she just vents and vents and spews out this negativity fueled by hatred, and she even admitted to having these things in her heart and how she didn't care, but then she will switch the next day?
This is just most of the story summed up, there is more. I honestly feel drained by talking to her. She just talks so negatively now. I have tried to reason with myself saying that maybe God has placed me in her life to help her, but I just end up feeling this huge burden when she calls to talk to me. I have even told her straight how she needed to seek God on renewing her heart and mind, but she basically blows it off.

I truly need sound advice on this matter. I don't want to be rude to her, but I am starting to become increasingly bothered by this situation!

 

[Goatee]

Looks like, to me, that God wants you to be her shoulder to cry on!

Just being there and listening, even though it is painful for you, helps this person. Just think of it as a cross to bear for the good of a friend. Pray for her.

 

[com7fy8]

Get more with God, so you are stronger against how negative people would effect you. Changing your circumstance can not help you as much as God correcting our own character so in His love we are strong against how wrong people would effect us badly > seek our Father for how we ourselves need His correction . . . of His love's perfection > Hebrews 12:4-11, 1 John 4:17-18.

And make sure you share with more mature Christians who are a good example for you, and who help you with this.

So, then . . . for yourself . . . never mind mainly trying to change her, but feed on God's word to help make you strong against complaining and bitterness >

"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation," (in Philippians 2:13-16)

In spite of all the evil, including complaining, of this evil world, we can "become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault"

"rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4)

Trust God to make you pleasing to Him in His gentle and quiet love, in spite of how people around you are contrary. And God is able to spread your good example to spiritually effect her; and, maybe, offer her scriptures like this, in case God makes the way; and have hope for her, in prayer >

Love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7)

 

[Sarah G]

We are called to love our neighbours. What is love? Kindness and compassion. Is it kind or compassionate to let your friend go on like this year after year? For how long, forever? Enabling negative, self-destructive behaviour (being filled with hate is self-destructive and extremely harmful to spiritual life) is not love. Tell her or write her a letter. Even if she gets super mad and never speaks to you again, it might help her in the long term. Maybe it will take three brave friends to say the same thing over a period of ten years before the penny drops and she accepts that she really, really needs to work on herself and attitude.

I don't believe that loving one's neighbour means being a doormat and allowing them to act in an unacceptable way. Maybe she needs professional help. Maybe she really needs to take a long hard look at herself. Love is telling her that and helping her to do it if she lets you.

 

[paul1149]

We're enjoined to walk the second mile, but not the third. Only you can determine when mile marker 3 has come. We're to speak the truth in love, one to another (Eph 4 or 5). If you are simply putting up with her negativity, while she isn't lifting a finger to resolve it, there's a point beyond which it will be very bad for you. That is abuse. It will affect you emotionally in other areas, and I don't recommend going that route. Mt 7.1-6 puts it succinctly. To paraphrase: don't judge, but at the same time protect yourself.

 

[longwait]

She is having a troubled life and she is not enjoying herself. Only God can change her heart. Pray for her.

 

[Tolworth John]

I honestly feel drained by talking to her. She just talks so negatively now

Several suggestions.
She clearly enjoys the support and listening ear you supply. Is there anyone you can get support from, either someone to help you unburden or who can pray for you when meeting her?

Has she seen a doctor about these feelings? Selfloathing etc is a sympton of depression, so it might help her to get checked out.

Has she seen a councellor about her feelings, it is not natural to be always sad, angry etc. Professional help might enable her to find closure on some of her issues.

I'm sure you will have tried talking to her about the good things in her life.

Lastly, if she is not willing to seek help, start putting a limit on when she can come and rant at you.
You haven't said how often she visits, or howlong it takes you to regain you're own well being.
Let her know how distructive her emotional outpourings are on you and that you need time to recover.
Yes we have to care for one another, but is she doing anything that will help herself?

Does she attend a church regularly? Does she talk, have friends among the women there? Is she seeing a councellor/doctor regularly each week?

If not be blunt why isn't she?

 

[*LILAC]

Well, you can pray for her, continue to make suggestions, etc... but in the end SHE has to want to change. You cannot do it for her. I have a friend who is similar although not to the "I hate everything" extreme but sometimes people will do the outrageous things simply for attention. If you're feeling exhausted, you may need to limit contact and insist she gets help. You need your energy too and it isn't fair if she is taking up so much of it without trying to help herself. Know what I mean?