Daughter refuses to be spanked

[gracefulone1980]

We do not spank our children. We are not doing them a disservice and we certainly do not hate them. That's a little extreme of a remark, I think.

OP - We talk to our children, use time outs and positive reinforcement with them. Your child is three, can you try another method of disipline. I really enjoy the book The No Cry Discpline Method, while I do not "book parent" my children and I read this after the fact, but I enjoyed it just the same. This is such a controversial topic that I usually do not like to be involved in, but since the question was asked... I have three young children, 7, 6 and 4 and we have been able to parent and raise very well adjusted and behaved children without spanking them.

 

[Catherineanne]

Hello,

I have a 3 year old daughter that every once in a while needs to be spanked. Problem is when we do spank her she will throw her body all over the place and crawl under the bed etc to avoid getting spanked. Any advice on how to overcome this?

Yes, stop trying to hit a 3 year old.

Children of this age are unable to articulate fully what they want or need, and they are not always able to understand what we expect of them. If you remember how young she is, and that she needs love, patience and understanding, then you might find the tendency in you to want to spank her becomes far less.

Young chidren do not have the same capacity for reason and mature behaviour that older children have. If they act out, very often it is from frustration, because they want to explain something but can't. Take the time to listen to your daughter, and try to catch her doing something right, and praise her for it. The behaviour you reward will be the behaviour you get more of, so the more you praise, the better behaved she will be.

If any parent reaches the stage that they can no longer maintain self control, and resort to physical punishment, then that parent has failed, in my view. I think the best thing for them to do is to take a time-out themselves, to think about the responsibility of being a parent, and what they actually want to be remembered for; hugs and kisses or inflicting physical abuse.

 

[Blue sapphire]

Yes, stop trying to hit a 3 year old.

Children of this age are unable to articulate fully what they want or need, and they are not always able to understand what we expect of them. If you remember how young she is, and that she needs love, patience and understanding, then you might find the tendency in you to want to spank her becomes far less.

Young chidren do not have the same capacity for reason and mature behaviour that older children have. If they act out, very often it is from frustration, because they want to explain something but can't. Take the time to listen to your daughter, and try to catch her doing something right, and praise her for it. The behaviour you reward will be the behaviour you get more of, so the more you praise, the better behaved she will be.
If any parent reaches the stage that they can no longer maintain self control, and resort to physical punishment, then that parent has failed, in my view. I think the best thing for them to do is to take a time-out themselves, to think about the responsibility of being a parent, and what they actually want to be remembered for; hugs and kisses or inflicting physical abuse.

Just a question......do you have children and if so how old are they?

 

[katautumn]

Just a question......do you have children and if so how old are they?

I cannot speak for Catherineanne, but I agree with what she posted and I am a mother to a nine year old son. I spanked him twice and both times it hurt me terribly to do so. I couldn't understand why conventional methods of discipline didn't work with him. I had family members telling me he was just a bad kid. People thinking it was helpful to say things like, "I'd wear his butt out if he was my kid" and even downright ugly things like, "you don't spank him? Have fun visiting him in prison when he's twenty".

Come to find out, the reason conventional discipline didn't work with my son is because he's autistic.

 

[Blue sapphire]

I cannot speak for Catherineanne, but I agree with what she posted and I am a mother to a nine year old son. I spanked him twice and both times it hurt me terribly to do so. I couldn't understand why conventional methods of discipline didn't work with him. I had family members telling me he was just a bad kid. People thinking it was helpful to say things like, "I'd wear his butt out if he was my kid" and even downright ugly things like, "you don't spank him? Have fun visiting him in prison when he's twenty".

Come to find out, the reason conventional discipline didn't work with my son is because he's autistic.

Point taken Kat.......but no one size fits all. There are times where the rod of discipline is required for certain individuals (prov 22:15) .......otherwise the Word of God is giving incorrect advice and we know this can't be true.

 

[katautumn]

Point taken Kat.......but no one size fits all. There are times where the rod of discipline is required for certain individuals (prov 22:15) .......otherwise the Word of God is giving incorrect advice and we know this can't be true.

In Proverbs it also states that if one beats a child with the rod of correction, the child will not die. Since we know that children are killed as the result of using implements to beat children as a means of discipline, wouldn't that also mean God was wrong? Or, could we understand that, perhaps, the rod spoken of in Proverbs was meant as a metaphor, as many words and phrases were in that book? In the twenty-third chapter of Proverbs, it says when dining with a wealthy ruler it is better to put a knife to your own throat than to be tempted into gluttony. When you go to someone's house for Thanksgiving dinner, would you cut your own throat with the turkey carving knife as the pumpkin pie was being passed around the table? Surely you wouldn't, for that would be foolish and a gross misinterpretation of Proverbs 23:1-3.

The Hebrew word "shebet" can be translated into "rod", and was used many times throughout the original text to describe various types of rods, namely one used by shepherds to calm and direct their flock. The word "child" in the passages in Proverbs comes from the Hebrew word "na'ar", which means young man, male youth, or lad. Does this man God only intended for parents to use corporal punishment on teenage sons and not sons of any age or even daughters? And if a Christian parent is only spanking using an open hand, and not a wooden stick, are they in violation of God's commands?

Furthermore, why do many Christians cling to a small number of verses in Proverbs to base their entire child rearing philosophy on and ignore the numerous passages throughout the Old Testament that also deal with raising children? Passages that describe having your child stoned to death for being rebellious or selling your daughter to her rapist because she has been sullied? Not once does Jesus mention using a rod to discipline children. The rod implies that the person wielding it is a shepherd of sorts. The Bible says that Jesus is our Shepherd. Shouldn't parents be using the wisdom and words of Jesus Christ to instruct and correct our children, rather than the rod of the Old Testament? If we don't have our children stoned to death for their disobedience, why would we beat them with a stick for it?

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

rod ,Didn't rod also mean authorithy in the earlyer days.

 

[Catherineanne]

Just a question......do you have children and if so how old are they?

I don't think that is really relevant to anything; people without children can still have valid views on child raising. However, for the record I have a daughter who is 18 and has just started university. She works very hard, is very bright indeed, but also a very sweet person to know, and I am very proud of her. And in case anyone is familiar with the UK university scene, my d does not drink, which is remarkable in itself.

I am also a school governor, so I know more than a little about children, and I know that positive reinforcement works. Thanks for asking.

 

[Catherineanne]

I cannot speak for Catherineanne, but I agree with what she posted and I am a mother to a nine year old son. I spanked him twice and both times it hurt me terribly to do so. I couldn't understand why conventional methods of discipline didn't work with him. I had family members telling me he was just a bad kid. People thinking it was helpful to say things like, "I'd wear his butt out if he was my kid" and even downright ugly things like, "you don't spank him? Have fun visiting him in prison when he's twenty".

Come to find out, the reason conventional discipline didn't work with my son is because he's autistic.

I have a friend with two autistic children, and what you say is perfectly right. There is simply no point using corporal punishment with children on the autistic spectrum, because their behaviour is very often not by choice; they simply cannot see the world the same way as other people do, and punishing them for that won't work.

The problem is, it takes time to discover that a child is autistic. My friend and I had many frustrating years with her children trying to work out how to manage them, before she finally achieved a diagnosis. From that point on it was easier, if only because she knew what she was dealing with.

 

[Catherineanne]

Point taken Kat.......but no one size fits all. There are times where the rod of discipline is required for certain individuals (prov 22:15) .......otherwise the Word of God is giving incorrect advice and we know this can't be true.

There is never a time when a child deserves to be hit. I don't care what the child has done, physical punishment is never right; it teaches that the biggest and strongest gets to beat up the weakest and least powerful. Not a particularly useful lesson, that one.

In ancient Rome, the magistrates carried a bundle of reeds tied together, as a symbol of their authority. This bundle was called a fasces, and it is from this that we get the word fascist. When people saw the fasces, they knew that person was a magistrate; there was no need for the magistrate to hit people.

Similarly, in the House of Commons a Mace is placed in front of the Speaker's Chair as a symbol of his/her authority. He does not need to use that mace to hit people.

In other words, the Bible commending a rod of discipline can be about having authority and using it appropriately. It does not need to be about using that rod to hit children.

 

[sk8Joyful]

Hello,

I have a 3 year old daughter that every once in a while needs to be spanked.
Problem is when we do spank her she will throw her body all over the place and
crawl under the bed etc to avoid getting spanked.
Any advice on how to overcome this?

Having taught PARENTing classes, I'd say you are both good Candidates for such a class.
If the teacher is worth their salt, you will learn how to
develop a Healthy relationship with your children, such that their natural inclination as God's Beloved child will be allowed to Develop as God/Jesus wants as each child's Learning opportunities...

Do it ASAP

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Having taught PARENTing classes, I'd say you are both good Candidates for such a class.
If the teacher is worth their salt, you will learn how to
develop a Healthy relationship with your children, such that their natural inclination as God's Beloved child will be allowed to Develop as God/Jesus wants as each child's Learning opportunities...

Do it ASAP

I believe everyone can use parenting classes.

 

[Blue sapphire]

In Proverbs it also states that if one beats a child with the rod of correction, the child will not die. Since we know that children are killed as the result of using implements to beat children as a means of discipline, wouldn't that also mean God was wrong? Or, could we understand that, perhaps, the rod spoken of in Proverbs was meant as a metaphor, as many words and phrases were in that book? In the twenty-third chapter of Proverbs, it says when dining with a wealthy ruler it is better to put a knife to your own throat than to be tempted into gluttony. When you go to someone's house for Thanksgiving dinner, would you cut your own throat with the turkey carving knife as the pumpkin pie was being passed around the table? Surely you wouldn't, for that would be foolish and a gross misinterpretation of Proverbs 23:1-3.

The Hebrew word "shebet" can be translated into "rod", and was used many times throughout the original text to describe various types of rods, namely one used by shepherds to calm and direct their flock. The word "child" in the passages in Proverbs comes from the Hebrew word "na'ar", which means young man, male youth, or lad. Does this man God only intended for parents to use corporal punishment on teenage sons and not sons of any age or even daughters? And if a Christian parent is only spanking using an open hand, and not a wooden stick, are they in violation of God's commands?

Furthermore, why do many Christians cling to a small number of verses in Proverbs to base their entire child rearing philosophy on and ignore the numerous passages throughout the Old Testament that also deal with raising children? Passages that describe having your child stoned to death for being rebellious or selling your daughter to her rapist because she has been sullied? Not once does Jesus mention using a rod to discipline children. The rod implies that the person wielding it is a shepherd of sorts. The Bible says that Jesus is our Shepherd. Shouldn't parents be using the wisdom and words of Jesus Christ to instruct and correct our children, rather than the rod of the Old Testament? If we don't have our children stoned to death for their disobedience, why would we beat them with a stick for it?

Well it is interesting to note that the west has embraced this "no corporal punishment" policy in the last 20 years........ Now one would assume that if this current policy was an improvement on the past......there should be an improvement in respect for others in our society by the younger generation.

Violence should be on the decrease. People should feel safer in their communities. Goodwill should be on the improve.

Is this what you see in your community and country?

 

[Blue sapphire]

There is never a time when a child deserves to be hit. I don't care what the child has done, physical punishment is never right; it teaches that the biggest and strongest gets to beat up the weakest and least powerful. Not a particularly useful lesson, that one.

And the child grows up and becomes aggressive towards their parents and starts to demand their own way and becomes a bully at home.

Now what would you do?

 

[NorwayUnn]

You just don't spank a child. Spanking is a no no.

 

[Blue sapphire]

You just don't spank a child. Spanking is a no no.

Please tell me Norway.......has this policy in your country seen an increase in young peoples respect for society and their elders.

 

[NorwayUnn]

Please tell me Norway.......has this policy in your country seen an increase in young peoples respect for society and their elders.

So you think that you can spank respect into a child?

You can probably spank fear, anxiety, anger and trauma into a child, but not respect.

Respect is something a person may deserve ... or not.

 

[Blue sapphire]

So you think that you can spank respect into a child?

You can probably spank fear, anxiety, anger and trauma into a child, but not respect.

Respect is something a person may deserve ... or not.

As I said, I am interested in how this policy of "no corporal punishment" is unfolding in your country.

Obviously if the policy is correct the signs should be showing that your society is showing more tolerance for each other......more thoughtfulness.....more regard for the elderly.....less violence, etc.

I am interested in how these policies play out over time, as this will show us what methods work better.

 

[susie1979]

I was abused as a child. So I try not to spank my kids. Since I've been having issues with my son tht has ADHD and PDSD I now hav s counselor to deal with my own issues and she also does parenting classes. I do time outs. And really for me it learning the type of voice to talk to ur child sticking to the same way and following thru. But that is how I do this. But I do believe that every parent has the right to choose how they punish their child. Good luck!

 

[katautumn]

Violence should be on the decrease. People should feel safer in their communities. Goodwill should be on the improve.

Is this what you see in your community and country?

Not spanking doesn't decrease the rate of violent crime. The problem isn't that if we just stop using physical pain and humiliation to teach our children valuable life lessons and attempt to instill a sense fear based respect then the world will be a better place. You cannot expect anything good to come of, say, not spanking your child, but also completely neglecting to help mold their character by using alternate methods of discipline. Totally dismissing a child can be just as bad, if not worse, than the routine swat on the bottom.

There must be balance. Spanking doesn't inherently damage children emotionally and mentally, but it doesn't serve much of a purpose either. In fact, if most parents were honest, it's typically an anger or fear response than a rational discipline method, or they do it because "that's how my parents raised me and I turned out okay".

What lesson are we teaching children when we show them that it's okay to physically strike someone when they do something wrong, but only if they are a child and you are an adult? My husband doesn't bend me over his knee and administer a whooping if I balance the checkbook incorrectly or speak to him in a disrespectful tone. If my husband makes a mistake at work or commits a policy violation, his supervisor cannot paddle his backside for it. Why is it different with a child just because they are smaller, needier and came from our bodies? If anything, that should call us to a higher standard of compassion, patience and understanding. Corporal punishment is the complete antithesis to all of those things.