Dating someone you're not attracted to?

[mina]

I think it's fine to be her friend, but if you are certian that she likes you, then be absolutely sure that you don't return those feelings unless you actually feel them for her. Don't date her if you are not attracted to her. If at some point in time you are attracted to her, then ask her out.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

I don't doubt that people are worth more than that and no I'm not looking at just using this girl to gain experience or something. I'm asking whether it's worth trying to get to know this girl (or another girl if we want to put it into the generic) to see if attraction might develop when I know the her part (ie. what's under the skin). I wonder if I'm being too shallow at not being willing to give someone a chance because I don't find them attractive.

I am sorry that people think I'm desparate, pathetic, selfish or whatever but that's not my intention.
If I was all of those things then I wouldn't be asking these questions, I'd just be lapping up the attention of this girl (cos I sure aint been getting that from anyone) and taking her for what I could get out of her. But I'm not doing that, nor would I do that to anyone - that would be immoral even outside faith circles.

Meh, I'd say go for it. You never know what might happen, you might end up getting a deeper attraction based on a more intimate relationship; something I've referred to as the 'law of familiarity', whereby, and this happens with girls a lot, they find some guy more and more attractive based on their familiarity with him [or, as a better example, his character in a movie].

ETA: lol, because of my awareness of this I made sure I wasn't a sucker to its harsh protocols.

 

[Tink]

I think it's great that you asked, but I'm just telling you how it feels on the other side of it.

The idea seems noble (allowing a not so attractive girl the chance to get to know you), but in reality (having been there) it really sucks.

 

[Obzocky]

I'm asking whether people think it's possible to become attracted to the person when you know them.

look at trying to pursue and maybe finally get a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to

It's possible.
It is not fair to explore the possibility of anything with that individual until a spark goes off somewhere though
Explore friendship, explore their personality, but keep it within those boundaries. No overlap, no "she does really like me though", no.

Being realistic is understanding that a relationship has to be based on attraction, there has to be something that attracts you to that person, that makes you want to be more than platonic friends. It isn't always about the physical attributes, but there has to be something. A hook if you will.

Someone "nice" and interested does not make them a viable candidate for exploring whether attraction will grow, you should not even consider pursuing a relationship with them until you feel something for them. Genuine feelings. Something that makes you want to be with them, whatever that may be.

 

[SullivanZ]

don't do it.

Attraction can build over time, but its asking for trouble to enter into a relationship hoping that will happen in your case. That would be nothing more than leading her on.

I really agree.

Especially as a guy, it is very hard to all of a sudden start becoming attracted to someone if you're not before hand. Why bother putting yourself and her through the trouble if you're not into her? It's unfair.

 

[SweetDee]

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone you're attracted to physically. That's perfectly natural. However, I personally feel it's wrong to get involved with someone you don't find attractive. You're leading them on and making them believe that you feel more for them than you really do. Obviously personality, beliefs, and brains are far more important but physical attraction IS part of the equation and if you don't look at her and think she's the most beautiful girl in the world then I would say don't bother. She deserves better.

Sometimes physical attraction doesn't come imediately but can come later. There have been women thad I found became more attractive the better I knew them and others who I thought attractive to begin with but became less attractive as I got to know them. Perhaps if you get to know her better then you might have a better idea if you are suited to each other

This is also a good point. I like to think of it this way: physical beauty can draw you to someone but their inner beauty is what should keep you attracted.

semi blind post...I agree with these men and with a few others here. She deserves more than someone who is settling and you deserve more. You can cause a lot of pain for the both of you if she were to find out you were using her for you own selfish desire for companionship. Physical attraction can come later in a friendship. But going into a relationship with no physical attraction present is not a good idea and a bit cowardly. I urge you to not lead her on and do not date her in hopes of becoming attracted to her some day in the future. Save her from the scars that are bound to happen.

 

[stan1472]

Wait, I get it. Love is Blind?!

 

[MehGuy]

If I were you, I'd try a little longer to get someone that is a little more attractive, but if you can't eh just bite the bullet I guess? Though I personally would probably rather stay single.

 

[scotslad83]

ok folks. Thanks for the replies. Think I'm just gona leave it as it would appear I would be wrong to give it a try. I'm sorry if I offended anyone (I get the impression I did) but that wasn't my intention, just wondered if I was foolishly closing down on someone because of lack of attraction but it would seem that the consensus is that even in Christian circles attraction should still be a factor in any relationship.

 

[Fremdin]

You may get past it. Sometimes heart can transform appearance. I'm in the minority but I think you should try it, you never know, you may find yourself appreciating her looks more as you know her. And let's be honest, we're not talking about you dating a leper or the elephant man's sister, are we? We're talking about you dating an average girl. Unless she repulses you, I don't see the issue. Of course this is coming from someone with three arms, so whatever.

 

[Katarinea]

Attraction is very important, but it's not always a knee-jerk reaction to be attracted to someone. I wasn't physically attracted to two or three guys I dated until I became good friends with them and began to know their personality and character. I don't date people I'm only attracted to, though, because though the person may be beautiful, their character may not be! I think the best example I have is the very first Christian guy I ever dated. He was very handsome -- tall, skinny, redhead, strong, smart. . .I was certain he was Mr. Right. But, when I told him something in my past that I was not proud of, he sloughed me off as quickly as he could. However, my almost-fiancee that I am dating now. . .I wasn't initially attracted to him, beyond the fact that he was a tall blonde and a man. (for a while, being a man was my only criteria for attraction) When I became closer friends with him, though, an attraction began to develop. I quashed it, because I was dating someone else at the time. Once I was single, though, it went wild. Every time I would see him, my heart would do a hop-skip. I couldn't look straight at him for how attractive he was -- I couldn't even look at his HANDS without thinking they were sexy!

The funny thing is, though, that God likes to do things the exact opposite of how we would do them most of the time. I had to accept, and be happy with, the fact that I might be single for the rest of my life. Once I had accepted this, and grown closer to God through singlehood, that's when love showed up! It's a heart-breaking thing to think of being alone for the rest of your life, I know, but we're not really alone. Seek God in all you do, and follow His will, and if He has a wife for you, she will come when both of you are ready.

 

[MacFall]

semi blind post...I agree with these men and with a few others here. She deserves more than someone who is settling and you deserve more. You can cause a lot of pain for the both of you if she were to find out you were using her for you own selfish desire for companionship. Physical attraction can come later in a friendship. But going into a relationship with no physical attraction present is not a good idea and a bit cowardly. I urge you to not lead her on and do not date her in hopes of becoming attracted to her some day in the future. Save her from the scars that are bound to happen.

Nitpick: a friendship is a relationship. Just not a romantic one.

I believe something similar to what you say, except I would take it a bit further: to enter into a romantic relationship without that is not only unwise, but in my estimation, impossible. Physical attraction is, pure and simple, an essential part of romance*. To be blunt, if you are considering marriage (which consideration should be present in any romantic relationship) you are expecting to eventually satisfy that person's sexual desires. And how are you going to do that properly if you are not attracted to them? If there is no actual connection, then how is the sexual aspect of your relationship going to be any more meaningful than it would be if you were just a mechanical device?

It is possible to develop physical attraction for someone with whom you do not have that initial spark. I have done so myself: I became physically attracted to a girl after initially being attracted by her intellect and sense of humor. That spark died after I later encountered some very serious flaws in her personality, but the point still stands: physical attraction can grow out of a spiritual, intellectual, or emotional attachment. But if you consider yourself to be romantically involved with someone to whom you are not physically attracted, you're fooling yourself; and if you tell them that you love them in a romantic way, you're lying to them.

So just be friends with people. If you find yourself eventually connecting in all ways (spiritual, intellectual, emotional, physical) with a woman, then consider a romantic relationship with her. If any of those things are lacking - not just physical attraction, but any - then remain simply friends, and don't worry about it any more.

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*I feel I should make an exception to that statement for true celibates (those who have no sexual desires at all). I am not willing to say that romance is out of bounds for such people, if they are satisfied with non-sexual forms of intimacy in an exclusive relationship.

 

[explodingboy]

As someone who struggles with trying to be picky. I've never had trouble dating people I'm not that attracted too, simply because I rarely look for physical traits in a person. I know I become attracted to people while I get to know them, and this whole running round at the whims of hormones is not a state of being I'll ever experiance or comprehend.

 

[scotslad83]

Nitpick: a friendship is a relationship. Just not a romantic one.

I believe something similar to what you say, except I would take it a bit further: to enter into a romantic relationship without that is not only unwise, but in my estimation, impossible. Physical attraction is, pure and simple, an essential part of romance*. To be blunt, if you are considering marriage (which consideration should be present in any romantic relationship) you are expecting to eventually satisfy that person's sexual desires. And how are you going to do that properly if you are not attracted to them? If there is no actual connection, then how is the sexual aspect of your relationship going to be any more meaningful than it would be if you were just a mechanical device?

It is possible to develop physical attraction for someone with whom you do not have that initial spark. I have done so myself: I became physically attracted to a girl after initially being attracted by her intellect and sense of humor. That spark died after I later encountered some very serious flaws in her personality, but the point still stands: physical attraction can grow out of a spiritual, intellectual, or emotional attachment. But if you consider yourself to be romantically involved with someone to whom you are not physically attracted, you're fooling yourself; and if you tell them that you love them in a romantic way, you're lying to them.

So just be friends with people. If you find yourself eventually connecting in all ways (spiritual, intellectual, emotional, physical) with a woman, then consider a romantic relationship with her. If any of those things are lacking - not just physical attraction, but any - then remain simply friends, and don't worry about it any more.

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*I feel I should make an exception to that statement for true celibates (those who have no sexual desires at all). I am not willing to say that romance is out of bounds for such people, if they are satisfied with non-sexual forms of intimacy in an exclusive relationship.

Effectively you hit on the bit that concerned me most with the issue. Would be great if I could feel something for the girl but I just don't think I can so best leave it.