Dating someone you're not attracted to?

[scotslad83]

Hi guys,
I posted on here a while back lamenting the fact that I basically just can't get any interest from girls or a date or whatever - I'll be honest with you I don't really want dates for the sake of dates, I'm of an age now where I really want a long term loving relationship and ultimately marriage.

Anyway, I'm really starting to wonder if I should try to lower my standard ( I don't mean that to sound as shallow as it does but I don't know how to put it otherwise) and look at trying to pursue and maybe finally get a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to. this girl seems interested from what I can gather and she's a nice enough girl. I just don't feel attracted to her like that (physically or otherwise). And so I don't know if it's right for me to be even thinking like this? I mean I don't want to play with her or be nasty. I'm just genuinely asking if I've been really shallow thus far and should consider this and maybe find that someone has some sort of inner beauty??

This might also sound a little crude - in which case I apologise - but say we did get on well and things went in the right direction so to speak, could I realistically marry someone who I wasn't sexually attracted to? Is that something that should be an issue for us as christians??

I'm sorry to be so blunt and genuinely apologise if anyone thinks I'm well out of line but I'd really just like to gauge opinion.

 

[Thunder Peel]

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone you're attracted to physically. That's perfectly natural. However, I personally feel it's wrong to get involved with someone you don't find attractive. You're leading them on and making them believe that you feel more for them than you really do. Obviously personality, beliefs, and brains are far more important but physical attraction IS part of the equation and if you don't look at her and think she's the most beautiful girl in the world then I would say don't bother. She deserves better.

Take it from someone who's been played and used because of someone's desperation: it leaves a lifetime of scars and ghosts in its wake. I know it's tough out there but please don't go down this road, both for your sake and hers, whoever she may be.

 

[Scottish Knight]

Hi guys,
I posted on here a while back lamenting the fact that I basically just can't get any interest from girls or a date or whatever - I'll be honest with you I don't really want dates for the sake of dates, I'm of an age now where I really want a long term loving relationship and ultimately marriage.

Anyway, I'm really starting to wonder if I should try to lower my standard ( I don't mean that to sound as shallow as it does but I don't know how to put it otherwise) and look at trying to pursue and maybe finally get a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to. this girl seems interested from what I can gather and she's a nice enough girl. I just don't feel attracted to her like that (physically or otherwise). And so I don't know if it's right for me to be even thinking like this? I mean I don't want to play with her or be nasty. I'm just genuinely asking if I've been really shallow thus far and should consider this and maybe find that someone has some sort of inner beauty??

This might also sound a little crude - in which case I apologise - but say we did get on well and things went in the right direction so to speak, could I realistically marry someone who I wasn't sexually attracted to? Is that something that should be an issue for us as christians??

I'm sorry to be so blunt and genuinely apologise if anyone thinks I'm well out of line but I'd really just like to gauge opinion.

Sometimes physical attraction doesn't come imediately but can come later. There have been women thad I found became more attractive the better I knew them and others who I thought attractive to begin with but became less attractive as I got to know them. Perhaps if you get to know her better then you might have a better idea if you are suited to each other

 

[Nom De Guerre]

Quality over quantity is what they usually say, but those people don't really understand that not everybody has the ability to get quality people; there are people whom are just socially inept, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just means that they don't have experience in the field.

One thing my buddy and I discussed when we were younger was how to eventually get better and better looking women, trial and error man... trial and error. We used to date chicks that we thought were okay, but knew we were never 'that' interested in; and it worked wonders man, we both gained a tremendous amount of confidence, experience, and eventually better looking women as we "progressed". It's definitely not a very wholesome thing to do, I assure you; and as I mentioned in another thread, I recently had a dream convicting me about how I treated women in the past.

It's pretty easy, and natural, once you get accustomed to seeing a girl's signs of growing attraction, there's also the fact that you will not be thinking [over thinking as well] about reacting and simply reacting to a girl/lady/woman and expecting, and for the most part achieving as well, results.

You've gotta remember this much, fortune favors the bold.

 

[GQ Chris]

That question is for you to answer. You're the one who will have to wake up to that person in the morning and also have sex with them, not us.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Sometimes physical attraction doesn't come imediately but can come later. There have been women thad I found became more attractive the better I knew them and others who I thought attractive to begin with but became less attractive as I got to know them. Perhaps if you get to know her better then you might have a better idea if you are suited to each other.

This is also a good point. I like to think of it this way: physical beauty can draw you to someone but their inner beauty is what should keep you attracted.

 

[GQ Chris]

I'm sure that poor girl's going to feel great when she finds out she was picked not because of her attractiveness.

 

[KTskater]

Personally, I think dating someone you're not attracted to is a recipe for disaster later on. I'd rather be single forever than put myself and them through a lie.

 

[scotslad83]

thanks for your thoughts folks. See as a few of you have said, I wonder if inner beauty would attract me - but that's a risk I guess and if I grow close to someone but find that doesn't do it I risk hurting them real bad.

I just fear that by wanting someone who I'm attracted to (not necessarily model's looks but well to be blunt - "sexy" - and I mean that in the technical way since as someone has pointed out that is an issue) I risk ruling out nice girls simply because I don't find them attractive.
I'm not a stunner myself so I know I need to be realistic...

 

[Tink]

DO NOT DO IT. As a girl that's "not that attractive," I beg you not to shatter a girl's world by pretending to be interested. We would rather you just think we're ugly than lead us on.

KTHX!

 

[scotslad83]

DO NOT DO IT. As a girl that's "not that attractive," I beg you not to shatter a girl's world by pretending to be interested. We would rather you just think we're ugly than lead us on.

KTHX!

please don't misunderstand me, I'm not wanting to pretend to be interested. I'm more asking whether people think it's possible to become attracted to the person when you know them. The fact is I'm absolutely not wanting to do that to a girl, ie. shatter her world.
The one girl I've like who ever seemed to show some sort of reciprocation seems to have played a similar card with me - she just closed down on me completely with no explanation one day - so I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else like that, and I have no intention of playing anyone or whatever. As I say I'm "not that attractive" either.

 

[Blank123]

don't do it.

Attraction can build over time, but its asking for trouble to enter into a relationship hoping that will happen in your case. That would be nothing more than leading her on.

 

[mina]

I don't think it's fair to either one of you. And what girl would be ok with this if you told her the truth? Don't pursue a relationship with someone unless you are actually attracted to them and want to be with them.... anything else just sounds really selfish on your part. You are basicaly using someone to make your ownself feel better.

 

[Im_A]

Hi guys,
I posted on here a while back lamenting the fact that I basically just can't get any interest from girls or a date or whatever - I'll be honest with you I don't really want dates for the sake of dates, I'm of an age now where I really want a long term loving relationship and ultimately marriage.

Anyway, I'm really starting to wonder if I should try to lower my standard ( I don't mean that to sound as shallow as it does but I don't know how to put it otherwise) and look at trying to pursue and maybe finally get a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to. this girl seems interested from what I can gather and she's a nice enough girl. I just don't feel attracted to her like that (physically or otherwise). And so I don't know if it's right for me to be even thinking like this? I mean I don't want to play with her or be nasty. I'm just genuinely asking if I've been really shallow thus far and should consider this and maybe find that someone has some sort of inner beauty??

This might also sound a little crude - in which case I apologise - but say we did get on well and things went in the right direction so to speak, could I realistically marry someone who I wasn't sexually attracted to? Is that something that should be an issue for us as christians??

I'm sorry to be so blunt and genuinely apologise if anyone thinks I'm well out of line but I'd really just like to gauge opinion.

This should never be a question in regards to faith.

It is disrespectful, shameful, pathetic and you alienate basic needs of the ones you are with by getting with someone that you are not physically attracted to. You set up a situation where you have to either deceive or hurt when the basic needs come to attention(I am not meaning sex).

Resorting to that just because your desperate because you can't find someone is pathetic and wrong on too many levels.

 

[broken_one]

Strange how many girls are against not settling, when girls are the same reason why this guy is being forced to consider settling.

 

[Tink]

please don't misunderstand me, I'm not wanting to pretend to be interested. I'm more asking whether people think it's possible to become attracted to the person when you know them. The fact is I'm absolutely not wanting to do that to a girl, ie. shatter her world.
The one girl I've like who ever seemed to show some sort of reciprocation seems to have played a similar card with me - she just closed down on me completely with no explanation one day - so I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else like that, and I have no intention of playing anyone or whatever. As I say I'm "not that attractive" either.

If you want to "get to know her" but you're not the least bit attracted, you're pretending. Whether you intend to be deceptive or not; it doesn't matter.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

This should never be a question in regards to faith.

It is disrespectful, shameful, pathetic and you alienate basic needs of the ones you are with by getting with someone that you are not physically attracted to. You set up a situation where you have to either deceive or hurt when the basic needs come to attention(I am not meaning sex).

Resorting to that just because your desperate because you can't find someone is pathetic and wrong on too many levels.

I don't necessarily agree that attention is the problem he's posing, he's got somebody who's giving him attention and he's not attracted to her; he's asking if being experimental with the dating world would be something better for his overall experience, than to end up in a situation with somebody who may have more experience than he does and simply rejects him for not seeing through the same perspectives.

 

[Im_A]

I don't necessarily agree that attention is the problem he's posing, he's got somebody who's giving him attention and he's not attracted to her; he's asking if being experimental with the dating world would be something better for his overall experience, than to end up in a situation with somebody who may have more experience than he does and simply rejects him for not seeing through the same perspectives.

Sure I get that.

I won't be 'editing' with that in mind, because I am even talking about those who think 'experimenting' with someone is actually a possible good idea. People are worth more than that.

I am not talking about having to have what everyone thinks is attractive, or the cliched, stereotypical 'hottie'. Yet when one says they are not attracted to someone, that is a bit absolute and final and to use her like a scientific experiment when he clearly stated about not finding anyone else? Shameful as far as I am concerned regardless of his intentions etc..

 

[scotslad83]

Sure I get that.

I won't be 'editing' with that in mind, because I am even talking about those who think 'experimenting' with someone is actually a possible good idea. People are worth more than that.

I don't doubt that people are worth more than that and no I'm not looking at just using this girl to gain experience or something. I'm asking whether it's worth trying to get to know this girl (or another girl if we want to put it into the generic) to see if attraction might develop when I know the her part (ie. what's under the skin). I wonder if I'm being too shallow at not being willing to give someone a chance because I don't find them attractive.

I am sorry that people think I'm desparate, pathetic, selfish or whatever but that's not my intention.
If I was all of those things then I wouldn't be asking these questions, I'd just be lapping up the attention of this girl (cos I sure aint been getting that from anyone) and taking her for what I could get out of her. But I'm not doing that, nor would I do that to anyone - that would be immoral even outside faith circles.

 

[Im_A]

I don't doubt that people are worth more than that and no I'm not looking at just using this girl to gain experience or something. I'm asking whether it's worth trying to get to know this girl (or another girl if we want to put it into the generic) to see if attraction might develop when I know the her part (ie. what's under the skin). I wonder if I'm being too shallow at not being willing to give someone a chance because I don't find them attractive.

I am sorry that people think I'm desparate, pathetic, selfish or whatever but that's not my intention.
If I was all of those things then I wouldn't be asking these questions, I'd just be lapping up the attention of this girl (cos I sure aint been getting that from anyone) and taking her for what I could get out of her. But I'm not doing that, nor would I do that to anyone - that would be immoral even outside faith circles.

All people can and have asked questions around these parts. Your no better.

Learning is not found in getting with someone you are not physically attracted to. You will find the same thing that you found sitting while thinking about this in the end.

My advice will be to leave her alone and let her find someone that likes her body and you find someone you are attracted to.