Dating as "friends first" usually don't work out

[Pavel Mosko]

I think by reading all these responses...there's no one-size fits all answer to this.

I say this because my two brothers and cousins have been more successful than I have been at the dating game. But all of them, had more in the looks department than I have, but have been more shy or reserved in doing so, but in general have actually had girls chasing after them! This phenomenon though is not unique, many of the social sciences confirm that women are the ones that really make the decision in the mating game, this 2 minute Jordan Peterson video is one handy example.

 

[timewerx]

I think by reading all these responses...there's no one-size fits all answer to this.

Yup, it all depends on the person you are interested with or even factors concerning yourself. Plenty of variables involved.

Just have to figure out how to discern women or scout them on social media.

 

[Macchiato]

Maybe calling it "friends first" makes the woman feel comfortable but it's really just dating with a name that frees her of having the responsibilities of a relationship like having to break up. Friends first sounds nonsensical either you two are seeing eachother or you aren't. There is no friends first.

I also wouldn't date someone too afraid to call it like it is, because to me that shows they are way too fearful and guarded to be a reliable partner in my opinion.

My coworker and her current fiance started off as friends first. So it's not always a loss. I see friends first as a way of letting things happen organically and being able to know the person and if red flags come out or you see things you don't like... You can always just leave without it getting messy.

 

[Sketcher]

My coworker and her current fiance started off as friends first. So it's not always a loss. I see friends first as a way of letting things happen organically and being able to know the person and if red flags come out or you see things you don't like... You can always just leave without it getting messy.

That's an upside. When I was in college, that was considered the "right" way for Christians to get together, so we all kind of did that. It helped me avoid a lot of crazy. It was equally good at stunting my ability to build relationships with quality women. Even though I can acknowledge that this isn't the greatest model, and I know how it failed me, I can't seem to break my mind out of operating that way and take a more active stance in pursuing a relationship.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

My coworker and her current fiance started off as friends first. So it's not always a loss. I see friends first as a way of letting things happen organically and being able to know the person and if red flags come out or you see things you don't like... You can always just leave without it getting messy.

Thing is, in my experience...most times I was always friend ZONED. I currently have a woman that's in constant touch with me and "thanked me so much for being her friend"

She said it as if most men didn't want to be her friend after they found out she wasn't into them "in that way". But somehow, I was such a "great guy" for remaining as such.

She referred to me as her "muse" last night, and I can't help but to think that it was off putting. She suggested us going to the movies together, but I may tell her that will NOT be a good idea.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Calling it friends is maybe safer but it's more like a trial run without the difficulty of a breakup. But it's not friendship by any means. It would be better to say let's just get to know each other and see how things go. There's no need to call it a relationship so no need to break up, while no need to deceive eachother as if it's actually some kind of friendship when it is not that either.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Calling it friends is maybe safer but it's more like a trial run without the difficulty of a breakup. But it's not friendship by any means. It would be better to say let's just get to know each other and see how things go. There's no need to call it a relationship so no need to break up, while no need to deceive eachother as if it's actually some kind of friendship when it is not that either.

Sadly, I had one woman defiantly insist that we were NOT on a date, when we obviously were. It was a FIRST date from an online dating platform, but still...it turned me off when she was rather combative about it as oppose to just being quiet about it and not say a word.

If you're a woman, a man asks you out on a date, you better not NOT argue with him about it WHILE on the date. You might as well be sabotaging the whole thing.

 

[JAM2b]

Sadly, I had one woman defiantly insist that we were NOT on a date, when we obviously were.

This made me laugh a little. Not at you, but at the situation. I think it is a matter of perception and expectations. I don't know the details of what was said when you two agree to go out, but I had a situation that was the opposite. It was several years ago.

It was not a dating site. It was a guy I met at a church. We were talking about writing, and he said we should get together to talk about our writing and share our work with each other. I agreed. It sounded fun. He wanted to meet at a diner, and when I got there he mentioned how exciting it was to be on a first date. I questioned him about that, and he was like, "yeah, of course this is our first date. I'm paying and we're having dinner together."

It was the most awkward and uncomfortable dinner I ever had. I told him I didn't think of it like that or realize that's what he intended. He thought that was cute and laughed it off. That was the last time I ever saw him and I avoided his calls. I also did not go back to that church. I just don't know how you go from "lets talk about our writing" to "it's our first date."

 

[ThisIsMe123]

This made me laugh a little. Not at you, but at the situation. I think it is a matter of perception and expectations. I don't know the details of what was said when you two agree to go out, but I had a situation that was the opposite. It was several years ago.

It was not a dating site. It was a guy I met at a church. We were talking about writing, and he said we should get together to talk about our writing and share our work with each other. I agreed. It sounded fun. He wanted to meet at a diner, and when I got there he mentioned how exciting it was to be on a first date. I questioned him about that, and he was like, "yeah, of course this is our first date. I'm paying and we're having dinner together."

It was the most awkward and uncomfortable dinner I ever had. I told him I didn't think of it like that or realize that's what he intended. He thought that was cute and laughed it off. That was the last time I ever saw him and I avoided his calls. I also did not go back to that church. I just don't know how you go from "lets talk about our writing" to "it's our first date."

The bolded...sadly, it was an attempt to outright deceive. A lot of sad sack, "nice guys" do this bait and switch tactic on women. Believe me, I am guilty of this in my younger years...never again when I had a woman go off on me about it. Esp. when I got her # to tell her about future Christian events at the church, when really it was an angle to just ask her out. Never again.

The woman I posted about, I did was just out right ask her to dinner, with no projects or anything like you mentioned. No talking shop. It was via a online singles platform. It was a Christian singles site. We have must've talked 2 weeks texting/talking on the phone before meeting.

Apparently, when it comes to ONLINE dating, SOME women have this "rule" that it's not a first 'date", but a "first meet".

I'm like "Potato" po-taaah-toe" ..>Whatevah!

I'm very black and white about these things. No grey areas. I'm transparent.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

….rejection is tough.

 

[Miles]

Sadly, I had one woman defiantly insist that we were NOT on a date, when we obviously were. It was a FIRST date from an online dating platform, but still...it turned me off when she was rather combative about it as oppose to just being quiet about it and not say a word.

If you're a woman, a man asks you out on a date, you better not NOT argue with him about it WHILE on the date. You might as well be sabotaging the whole thing.

This made me laugh a little. Not at you, but at the situation. I think it is a matter of perception and expectations. I don't know the details of what was said when you two agree to go out, but I had a situation that was the opposite. It was several years ago.

It was not a dating site. It was a guy I met at a church. We were talking about writing, and he said we should get together to talk about our writing and share our work with each other. I agreed. It sounded fun. He wanted to meet at a diner, and when I got there he mentioned how exciting it was to be on a first date. I questioned him about that, and he was like, "yeah, of course this is our first date. I'm paying and we're having dinner together."

It was the most awkward and uncomfortable dinner I ever had. I told him I didn't think of it like that or realize that's what he intended. He thought that was cute and laughed it off. That was the last time I ever saw him and I avoided his calls. I also did not go back to that church. I just don't know how you go from "lets talk about our writing" to "it's our first date."

To be fair, calling early get-togethers "dates" can put weird pressure on the situation, regardless of attraction. You may still be trying to figure out what kind of relationship, if any, you want with the person. Eventually, if you like each other well enough, you'll have a talk that defines the relationship.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

To be fair, calling early get-togethers "dates" can put weird pressure on the situation, regardless of attraction. You may still be trying to figure out what kind of relationship, if any, you want with the person. Eventually, if you like each other well enough, you'll have a talk that defines the relationship.

Yeah I don't see the point in actually announcing its a date, just makes you seem needy. So i'm guessing this is why the women reject it.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

To be fair, calling early get-togethers "dates" can put weird pressure on the situation, regardless of attraction. You may still be trying to figure out what kind of relationship, if any, you want with the person. Eventually, if you like each other well enough, you'll have a talk that defines the relationship.

Well, it is on how you define "pressure". I cannot help it if they person is a little mentally off about them if they let that kind of stuff bother them, and likely we wouldn't be a decent match if something as little as that bother's them.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Yeah I don't see the point in actually announcing its a date, just makes you seem needy. So i'm guessing this is why the women reject it.

Have no idea where you got the idea it was considered "needy", quite judgmental of you. I had plenty of women who called a date a date.

I could say, "Needy to HER, maybe" so it depends on how you define the word. You see, unfortunately, people have come up with their own definitions of...things these days.

A woman a couple of years ago I met online, took no offense to me calling our first "meet" a "Date". THAT'S the kind of woman I want , otherwise they are what I call "wishy-washy" types. We even kissed after our first date. Nothing passionate, but a short kiss on the lips.

I know a single woman that's a pastor in the area that can't figure out how people can't call things what they are. For instance, she couldn't figure out if a person she liked that couldn't figure out the person she liked was actually "seeing someone' or not.

People prefer to keep thing nebulous...and it's a pet peeve of ours. So me and her, we're aligned in trying to figure out how these people don't call it what it is.

I recall asking a woman if she was seeing a guy, if he was her boyfriend or not, before I would ask her out. She says, "I don't believe in labels"

*Scratches head*

Call me old-fashioned. *Shrug*

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Have no idea where you got the idea it was considered "needy", quite judgmental of you. I had plenty of women who called a date a date.

I could say, "Needy to HER, maybe" so it depends on how you define the word. You see, unfortunately, people have come up with their own definitions of...things these days.

A woman a couple of years ago I met online, took no offense to me calling our first "meet" a "Date". THAT'S the kind of woman I want , otherwise they are what I call "wishy-washy" types. We even kissed after our first date. Nothing passionate, but a short kiss on the lips.

I know a single woman that's a pastor in the area that can't figure out how people can't call things what they are. For instance, she couldn't figure out if a person she liked that couldn't figure out the person she liked was actually "seeing someone' or not.

People prefer to keep thing nebulous...and it's a pet peeve of ours. So me and her, we're aligned in trying to figure out how these people don't call it what it is.

I recall asking a woman if she was seeing a guy, if he was her boyfriend or not, before I would ask her out. She says, "I don't believe in labels"

*Scratches head*

Call me old-fashioned. *Shrug*

If you want to be successful with women you will need to learn to be a bit more covert in how you talk to them. Women hate when you directly state something "as it is". They prefer the mystery. You directly mentioning it's a date is like spoiling the ending of a movie. And this turns women off. You don't tell women it's a date, you SHOW them it's a date.

 

[blackribbon]

I think "friends first" means she wants to take some time to get to know you before being called a part of a couple. Too many men expect sex on the first date or at least very early in a relationship. This type of woman is saying, don't expect that. I think it is okay and maybe wise but there should be a limit on how long this "friends first" time is to last if you both have marriage in mind. If at anytime in this "friends first" period, one person doesn't see it as moving forward, he/she should be honest and end it. It is also important to not allow yourself to fall "helpless in love" too fast or if the other person doesn't seem to be going in the same direction.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Not being friends first doesn't work out either.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

If you want to be successful with women you will need to learn to be a bit more covert in how you talk to them. Women hate when you directly state something "as it is". They prefer the mystery. You directly mentioning it's a date is like spoiling the ending of a movie. And this turns women off. You don't tell women it's a date, you SHOW them it's a date.

Not sure where you heard that women hate such things. In fact, I've heard the opposite from women that they prefer the direct approach . Otherwise , it's just being wishy washy.

If a guy casually mentions that what you went on was a "date". In the context of. "I had a nice date tonight"

Just say, "I had a nice time too" don't attempt argue it, it's a off-putting to a man.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Funny thing. I was talking to this woman that said she met a man at a drum festival. They exchanged numbers. That he was "clean cut" and "sweet". But...she said she wasn't interested in "dating" ( I guess in general...not him specifically).

Yet she spoke in the context seeing him as a dating prospect. So I caught her contradicting herself there as she really got in depth

She even googled his name. LOL.

So yeah, I didn't buy the whole "I'm not interested in dating" thing, when obviously she WAS interested in dating. Otherwise she'd probably give him her # and never answer her phone.

I would even see women on dating sites try to tap dance around the fact they are "looking" persee'. They'd say things like 'My friend talked me into this!" or some even admitted their friend did the write-up for her.

Or, "Just looking around here".

Their actions speak as if they ARE dating, but they'll lie about their intent.

Kind of like when a customer walks into a car show room, and when a salesman approaches them they announce, "I'm not here to buy anything!!" When obviously that's the end game.

 

[blackribbon]

Chances are they are more lying to themselves than anyone else..