Dates and Paying

[ido]

Noooooooo, not McD's! A date should not include a dollar menu.

I do agree that thrifty dates are not a bad thing. A walk through the local (and free) wildlife sanctuary would be uber-romantic, although not in our current snowstorm.

I don't care if the guy chooses an inexpensive or even free event for a date. As long as we enjoy what we're doing and each other's company, that's what matters.

 

[overit]

No Mcd's unless your 16-and even then-lol...not on a first or second date!
I also like the idea of a park, walk on the beach, fair, or looking through those outside art day thingys...somewhere public and free or low cost is FINE....IF you're going to go out to dinner then it is my opinion that on a first (and even the first couple dates) the guy pays...and opens doors, and brings some nice flowers (even inexpensive) with him. After that dutch is fine (he should still open doors). That's just how I find it acceptable. That is how my boys are raised. At 7 and 9, they know that their first date involves opening doors, talking inside w/the parents, bringing her home on time, paying for the date and being a GENTLEMAN. I hate to see the attitude w/some young men today (20's mainly) that treat women w/resentment, anger and objects....I've heard too many comments in the real world to know that there is a strong number of younger men nowawadays that would just be lousy husbands one day. Ughhhh...no offense to the many great guys we have here but I've seen a few w/this attitude here and IRL and it really irks me...I'll be darned if my kids grow up thinking like this!

 

[GlennK]

Interesting. Do you tell them this in advance? And "it bad?" Could you elaborate?

ha i don't pay for women. it bad to pay for women these days. i normally don't pay for them until i get a commitment.. that is if i want one.

ha. straight up.


lemme explain it this way...
who'se a girl gonna see again?
the guy who paid for her lunch a couple of dates and treated her o-so-well?
or the guy who made her buy her own lunch and had some heart and got to know her straight up.
see.
it's a communication thing. it's called swagga. learn it son.

 

[20MoreMiles]

OK. I thought you meant that the girl's approval was the only thing that mattered on the date, not in pursuing the girl in order to the get the date. Although, I do know guys that have attempted to pursue a girl when she is very clearly uninterested.
Although I disagree that men paying for a date is a desperate ploy for the woman's affections (although there are some that pay in order to the play the 'I paid, so now you owe me something" card). Many of my male friends were simply raised on the idea that the men pay for the date, regardless. It's considered polite behavior. Now it's ingrained. They feel like they're being rude if they ask a girl to pay. It's an act of social respect in their minds, the same way these same men will always open a door for a lady or pull out her chair.

There are plenty of guys who don't know how to read those body language, or some who naively think they are above that... and obviously get rejected or waste their time to hear "i like you... as a brother".

I was raised that paying for the lady is the way it should be, too. But then i grew up and started thinking for myself, and realized that it makes no sense in our modern society where men and women make equal wages. Holding a door open or pulling out her chair are NOT on the same level of chivalry or an act of social respect. One is genuinely being nice, the other is using money for approval. And that has nothing to do with respect, nothing at all.

I'm not discrediting the post you quoted - b/c her thoughts are her own and are to be respected. But, I find it pretty disrespectful that you quote her and say she's wise just b/c she agrees with the way you think. There isn't a right and wrong answer to the issue of paying for a date - and implying so is judgemental, at best.

My apologies.

But wouldn't you agree that paying for her food isn't using money just so to get her approval or her to like you? Wouldn't you feel like "I owe him something" after you let him pay for two dates with nothing in return, except for your presence? Call me a fool but i'm not going to pay a girl to be in my presence, or to somehow show my respect. I'll do that in a conventional way, one that doesn't involve throwing money at her.

 

[overit]

I don't see paying $50 on a dinner for two is "throwing money at her" at least I don't consider it throwing money at me - not for a ecent priced meal. Now if you're broke and the girls have really low standars they may feel $25 is throwing money at them but I doubt most WOMEN would.

 

[ido]

My apologies.

But wouldn't you agree that paying for her food isn't using money just so to get her approval or her to like you? Wouldn't you feel like "I owe him something" after you let him pay for two dates with nothing in return, except for your presence? Call me a fool but i'm not going to pay a girl to be in my presence, or to somehow show my respect. I'll do that in a conventional way, one that doesn't involve throwing money at her.

No, I don't see it as a way for a guy to get my approval and it's not going to make me like a guy any more or less. I don't feel like I owe a guy anything for taking me out on a date - and if he feels like I do b/c he pays our way, then he will get kicked to the curb quickly.

You aren't paying the girl to be in your presence. You requested her presence, so it is courtesy to pay for her, IMO. The way you keep saying "throw money at her" makes it sound like you are literally handing her money to be with you. If a guy had the attitude that he was "throwing money at me" by paying for our date, I would be completely turned off that he viewed me so cheaply. I'm not some money-hungry, gold digger that expects a guy to max out a credit card just to be graced with my presence. But, I do appreciate being treated to dinner, movies, whatever - to me, it says the guy likes me enough to show that he wants to be more than just friends.

 

[savingme09]

In the beginning of a dating relationship, I assume that the guy I am dating is on his very best behavior, that he is putting his best foot forward and trying to make the best first impression possible. When a guy pays for a date, it shows me that he is trying to be courteous, respectful, and generous, that he has somewhat traditional values regarding dating, and that he had at least some interest in making a good impression.

That being said, I have no problem with free or low-cost dates. When I go out on a date with someone, I am trying to decide if I enjoy that person's company and if I feel a connection towards them, if we have things in common, etc. Some of the best dates I have ever had were simply hanging out with someone, talking, playing video games, walking around a park, or watching a movie on TV. I don't expect a man to break the bank trying to impress me, and I understand that especially in these tough economic times that he may not have a lot of money to spare for dating. Also, I certainly wouldn't want a man to extend himself beyond his means just to impress me.

However, when a guy asks me out to dinner or a movie, I expect that he should be willing to pay if he was the one who extended the invitation. If he doesn't have the money to go out to dinner, that's fine... ask me to do something else that either costs less or is free. It makes no difference to me how much money a guy spends on a date, but I think it is in poor taste to invite a girl on a date if you have no intention of picking up the tab. Going back to the whole "first impression" thing, I assume that the first date is someone's very best behavior- if "going dutch" or paying the whole tab is his best behavior, what will things be like a few months down the road?

Once a relationship has been established, I have no issue with splitting the bill more often or even paying for some dates. At that point, I think it becomes more about communication, partnership, and "give and take" so that the relationship does not become one-sided.

 

[ido]

In the beginning of a dating relationship, I assume that the guy I am dating is on his very best behavior, that he is putting his best foot forward and trying to make the best first impression possible. When a guy pays for a date, it shows me that he is trying to be courteous, respectful, and generous, that he has somewhat traditional values regarding dating, and that he had at least some interest in making a good impression.

That being said, I have no problem with free or low-cost dates. When I go out on a date with someone, I am trying to decide if I enjoy that person's company and if I feel a connection towards them, if we have things in common, etc. Some of the best dates I have ever had were simply hanging out with someone, talking, playing video games, walking around a park, or watching a movie on TV. I don't expect a man to break the bank trying to impress me, and I understand that especially in these tough economic times that he may not have a lot of money to spare for dating. Also, I certainly wouldn't want a man to extend himself beyond his means just to impress me.

However, when a guy asks me out to dinner or a movie, I expect that he should be willing to pay if he was the one who extended the invitation. If he doesn't have the money to go out to dinner, that's fine... ask me to do something else that either costs less or is free. It makes no difference to me how much money a guy spends on a date, but I think it is in poor taste to invite a girl on a date if you have no intention of picking up the tab. Going back to the whole "first impression" thing, I assume that the first date is someone's very best behavior- if "going dutch" or paying the whole tab is his best behavior, what will things be like a few months down the road?

Once a relationship has been established, I have no issue with splitting the bill more often or even paying for some dates. At that point, I think it becomes more about communication, partnership, and "give and take" so that the relationship does not become one-sided.

You said it way better than I did.

 

[savingme09]

I thought you expressed yourself very well but thanks

 

[leothelioness]

I would actually prefer to pay for my part of the date, but that's just how I was raised. I wouldn't want to feel like a moocher.

 

[Gwendolyn]

lemme explain it this way...
who'se a girl gonna see again?
the guy who paid for her lunch a couple of dates and treated her o-so-well?
or the guy who made her buy her own lunch and had some heart and got to know her straight up.
see.
it's a communication thing. it's called swagga. learn it son.

I'd see the first again. Just because he wants to be a gentleman, that does not mean that he will not get to know the girl "straight up" too. And he would obviously have some manners to boot.

 

[NathanHocking]

I always pay, it just donsn't feel right to say "lets go to dinner friday, bring $20 for food" if I invite , I pay.

 

[AncientEnchanter]

What's your position on paying for dates? I'm generally somewhat old fashioned and believe that I should pay for most things, if not everything during a date. Some women I know love it, some will argue about it. Wondering what your peoples opinions are vis-a-vis who pays on a date.

Whether you are a man or a woman, try not to go unless you have money to cover both people [what if he/she left the money at home by accident, for example]. And DEFINITELY don't go on a date unless you have enough to cover for yourself.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Just from my own experience, I've found that most guys are not comfortable with the girl paying.

I always feel guilty making him spend so much money on me when I can easily pay for myself, and I've even argued once or twice. Especially when the guy is just a friend and there's no romance involved.

But I've gotten to the point where I've just accepted it. If he feels compelled to pay for me, then I ignore the guilt and kindly thank him and appreciate it. If he's extremely short on cash (college, most of us can hardly pay for our own lunch) and can't, I gladly chip in for my share.

 

[20MoreMiles]

I don't see paying $50 on a dinner for two is "throwing money at her" at least I don't consider it throwing money at me - not for a ecent priced meal. Now if you're broke and the girls have really low standars they may feel $25 is throwing money at them but I doubt most WOMEN would.

Well i don't know about you, but if the guy spends $50 for a dinner with her, and she pays $0 for it, then i think it's pretty clear what's going on. And this is JUST to be with her! I have a lot of respect for women, but i don't see them as some kind of Godess who should have their bill payed because you're lucky to be with them, or something.

No, I don't see it as a way for a guy to get my approval and it's not going to make me like a guy any more or less.

Alright, so then it doesn't matter if he splits the bill, since it's not going to make you like him more or less.

I don't feel like I owe a guy anything for taking me out on a date - and if he feels like I do b/c he pays our way, then he will get kicked to the curb quickly.

You don't? He just gave you 25+ dollars for nothing.

You aren't paying the girl to be in your presence. You requested her presence, so it is courtesy to pay for her, IMO. The way you keep saying "throw money at her" makes it sound like you are literally handing her money to be with you. If a guy had the attitude that he was "throwing money at me" by paying for our date, I would be completely turned off that he viewed me so cheaply. I'm not some money-hungry, gold digger that expects a guy to max out a credit card just to be graced with my presence. But, I do appreciate being treated to dinner, movies, whatever - to me, it says the guy likes me enough to show that he wants to be more than just friends.

Well, you request her presence, but that doesn't mean you have to pay for it. A date means getting to know each other, why should only the man invest in this? To put it in business terms, both parties can make a profit, but both are also taking a risk, financially if you will.

Don't you think a guy's actions should define that he wants to be more than friends... like perhaps a love poem, a romantic card, flowers, anything. If he has to pay for your stuff for it to become clear to you that he likes you, then i think that's pretty materialistic. How often does a guy want you to pay for his stuff so he knows you like him?

 

[Im_A]

What's your position on paying for dates? I'm generally somewhat old fashioned and believe that I should pay for most things, if not everything during a date. Some women I know love it, some will argue about it. Wondering what your peoples opinions are vis-a-vis who pays on a date.

My belief is, I will pay for the girl on a date(especially the first date). I am far from being old fashioned. I just like making a girl feel special. If she wants to pay for herself, I will not argue about it. I will gladly oblige and let her do as she wishes. I will let the woman pay for me if she would want to.

I do not believe there is a rule of thumb with this. I prefer to do it myself, or more than willing oblige to let her do what she wishes.

 

[godsbassist]

I always pay, it just donsn't feel right to say "lets go to dinner friday, bring $20 for food" if I invite , I pay.

Haha, I laughed out loud at this.

 

[ido]

Alright, so then it doesn't matter if he splits the bill, since it's not going to make you like him more or less.

No, it doesn't - for me it is anticipation that he will pay, not expectation.

You don't? He just gave you 25+ dollars for nothing.

Really? I've never had a guy hand me $25+ on a date before, so I don't see how he is giving me anything - especially since he enjoyed the meal, as well.

Well, you request her presence, but that doesn't mean you have to pay for it. A date means getting to know each other, why should only the man invest in this? To put it in business terms, both parties can make a profit, but both are also taking a risk, financially if you will.

Maybe it's a cultural thing? Maybe it's a Southern/Midwest thing? I don't know what to tell you that is going to make you feel better. The guy paying is how I was raised to believe a date goes and no amount of argument otherwise on your part is going to effectively change my mind.

Don't you think a guy's actions should define that he wants to be more than friends... like perhaps a love poem, a romantic card, flowers, anything. If he has to pay for your stuff for it to become clear to you that he likes you, then i think that's pretty materialistic. How often does a guy want you to pay for his stuff so he knows you like him?

I've dated two guys that did that kind of stuff. The first one flat out told me that he thought I should have slept with him on the first date b/c of the flowers/wine/expensive meal he bought. Quality guy, eh?

The second one was my ex-husband - who is abusive and narcissistic.

I think I'll stick to guys that pay for the dates, thanks.

BTW - you can think whatever you want of me. You have no idea who I am or what's in my heart - so if you think you can justify calling me materialistic b/c I prefer for a guy to pay, more power to ya. I'm done with this conversation now.

 

[Gwendolyn]

Well i don't know about you, but if the guy spends $50 for a dinner with her, and she pays $0 for it, then i think it's pretty clear what's going on. And this is JUST to be with her! I have a lot of respect for women, but i don't see them as some kind of Godess who should have their bill payed because you're lucky to be with them, or something.

You have a weird misconception about what paying for a date means. It doesn't mean the woman is high and mighty and thinks the guy has to earn the right to be in her presence, it doesn't mean she's a spoiled brat, and it doesn't mean she's lazy.

There are tons of other examples where similar things like this happen. If you are a member of a golf and country club, and you invite a friend to play and eat with you, you are the one who pays for golf and dinner. It doesn't mean the friend you invited is saying, "You're so lucky to be with me, you ought to pay for me." or "I'm a golfing god and just for the opportunity to play with me, you should pay."

What an odd way of looking at things.

Wow.

 

[GlennK]

I'd see the first again. Just because he wants to be a gentleman, that does not mean that he will not get to know the girl "straight up" too. And he would obviously have some manners to boot.

i'm just sayin... from my own experience sister, i notice the guys who pay for the girls they take out, lack that spark of attraction which makes girls go crazy over them.. nice guys do finish last.. for me it's all part of showin her my own true colors, how i am the strongest, most real, most understanding, and most non-wuss guy out there... i am a MAN.

HA WHAT DO I KNOW.