Courtship/dating

[DZoolander]

lol don't get me wrong - I'm not saying "don't talk to them or get to know them". Absolutely talk to them to get to know what they're about.

Once you've liked what you've heard, though, I'm saying that talks about "would you like to date, could you see us dating, etc" are inadvisable.

 

[Hetta]

So, what would you suggest? I will have to ask my boys what they said to their GF's!

 

[DZoolander]

My advice will be to my son - once you like a girl and get the feeling it might be reciprocal (pay attention to how she looks at you, how she acts around you, etc) - try something intimate but simple...like holding her hand while you are walking with her.

If she rejects your hand - or places extra distance - then you have your answer. If she takes your hand and walks closer, then you have good odds that she feels the same way.

 

[Hetta]

Really? That's interesting. I'm trying to remember how I ever ended up dating anyone, but it's so long ago, I can't get a clear mental picture!

 

[DZoolander]

lol -

"Always walk side by side when you like a girl. If you get the feeling she might like you too (pay attention to how she smiles at you, you can never go wrong looking into her eyes and extra pupil dilation is a good sign as well), try holding her hand.

If she pulls away - you know she doesn't feel the same way and don't push it any further. If she holds your hand and walks closer - then you have a good sense that you might be in like flint."

 

[Hetta]

Is this a girl he just met? A girl that is a friend? How have they met and how did they get to be alone somewhere, walking, without having a conversation?

 

[mkgal1]

Well.....maybe I shouldn't disclose such personal information, but prior to marrying my husband (we weren't attending church back then, and my husband didn't have a church-going background, BTW), hand-holding and such didn't always signify the two people were *in* a relationship---you know? That's part of what I really liked about what the grandma of the author said about "her days"---it was understood that everyone would be seeing other people---not the way it often is now, where the default sometimes is "you went out with me more than once---now we're 'together'.

Sometimes there does need to be some sort of discussion (and I'd hope that the two people are close enough--comfortable enough with each other-- to even *have* discussions like that; otherwise....well are they *really* familiar enough with one another?).

As far as what Inka brought up about "why the hesitancy....what's the big deal about approaching the topic?" In the "courtship-world" that I'm familiar with the main distinction was that those that "courted" were serious about whom they went out with. They didn't get in and out of relationships---so...when you did get involved... the mindset was that you "stay in" lest you are no different than that "dating-world" (gasp!).

Do you see what I mean about the pressure and the build-ups and let downs?

 

[DZoolander]

Is this a girl he just met? A girl that is a friend? How have they met and how did they get to be alone somewhere, walking, without having a conversation?

Well, I'm assuming in this scenario that it's someone he's known long enough to have figured out he'd like to date her.

 

[DZoolander]

and I'm not saying they are together sans conversation. I'm saying that all of the normal "get to know you" stuff applies. Nothing on that front is left out.

What I'm saying though is - avoid at all costs the whole weird "would you like to date me" conversation - until you've already established some kind of physical sign of interest...

...and there is a difference between just walking along holding hands - and the more intimate kind of ambling along while holding hands closeness that I'd recommend.

 

[mkgal1]

and I'm not saying they are together sans conversation. I'm saying that all of the normal "get to know you" stuff applies. Nothing on that front is left out.

What I'm saying though is - avoid at all costs the whole weird "would you like to date me" conversation - until you've already established some kind of physical sign of interest...

...and there is a difference between just walking along holding hands - and the more intimate kind of ambling along while holding hands closeness that I'd recommend.

Okay---just to play devil's advocate---suppose after this he sends a text the following Friday night, expecting the two of them would be getting together and he gets the response that she's out with Bill?

 

[Hetta]

I just feel that to get to the stage for them to be even along together in some situation where intimacy (holding hands) might occur, they both probably would know that they both liked each other more than just friends.

 

[DZoolander]

That's cool.

 

[DZoolander]

I just feel that to get to the stage for them to be even along together in some situation where intimacy (holding hands) might occur, they both probably would know that they both liked each other more than just friends.

I dunno about that, though. I've gone to plenty of movies in the past with women I had no interest in on a romantic level.

 

[Hetta]

I dunno about that, though. I've gone to plenty of movies in the past with women I had no interest in on a romantic level.

Really? I have never done that. Now I know my kids have gone in 'groups' to movies and my son who is now dating took a girl he liked to the movies a few times, but that never moved on to a relationship because I think she liked someone else. If a guy asked me to a movie, I would assume that he liked me romantically.

 

[DZoolander]

I find people interesting - so I like talking to them. There are plenty of women I've known who I dug as people and enjoyed spending time with - but the thought of anything romantic would've been repugnant.

 

[Hetta]

That's pretty cool, just outside of my experience.

 

[DZoolander]

Go out, have a nice conversation, see a movie, drop them off with a hug and be on my way...lol

 

[mkgal1]

I guess my point was that with everyone seeming to have different beliefs, it's difficult to bridge that gap of casual friend...even romantic interest to "exclusively dating" without at least some sort of question about, "are we exclusive?" or *something*.

Like Hetta, I can't really recall how all my relationships became exclusive.....it's been way too long. I do recall, though, with my husband there was some confusion. I didn't realize he thought we were "an item" and I was actually out to dinner with a co-worker one night after work when he called my house (he was told I was "out with some guy for dinner" and was given the name of the restaurant). That was back before cell phones. I actually got the phone brought to our table when we were out to dinner (you know....."there's a phone call for you, MK"). I thought one of my parents died or something.

What I'm trying to say is...while your distinction is the difference between a hug and hand-holding......hers may be something else entirely.

 

[DZoolander]

and that's very well possible.

My point of view was always along the lines of "If I haven't tried anything, if you haven't tried anything, if I haven't said anything and if you haven't said anything - then there's no reason for you to believe there's something going on other than just hanging out".

 

[mkgal1]

I actually agree with that (even though my husband assumed differently---assumptions are never wise). I'm so glad that's all behind us.

I just really liked the culture that the grandma was used to and wish that were promoted (in lieu of the seemingly opposing systems now).