Contamination OCD - "evil" objects

[Mari17]

Thank you. The past 7 days have been especially challenging for me, because I had some people come to my house. This has always been difficult for me, because they don't know my "rules" and can spread the "contamination" around. But in the end, it wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. It actually felt good seeing them touching all of my things and get my house "dirty". I knew there was nothing I could do, and in a way, it felt liberating.

And I actually noticed that I am perhaps more anxious about the anxiety rather than the thing itself. For example, I often catch myself thinking not "oh no, the contamintion will spread", but rather "oh no, the contamintion will spread and trigger my OCD again, and I will become anxious and it will be difficult for me to calm myself down". But most of the time, it ends up being really not as bad.

I still struggle with handwashing though. I've always had this compulsion, and it got even worse during the pandemic. There were periods when I washed my hands after touching every item, so as not to spread the "contamination" to another item. I am trying to cut down on the handwashing, but it's difficult. By now, it's such a big part of me, that it even lost its meaning in a way. Sometimes I'm washing my hands and don't even remember why. What did I touch?
It's a bit easier on days when I have to go to work, because I get to focus on other things, plus I don't feel like the outside world is "contaminated", or rather, it's contaminated in a different way. But I want to keep my house clean, you know? I think it's something that many people with OCD struggle with.
And I also like to clean my stuff with wet wipes. Bad for the environment!
So yeah, I still need to work on that.

I get it! Germ obsession and handwashing was my very first introduction to OCD, back when I was about seven or eight years old. I still am hyper-careful (OK, a little obsessive ) when it comes to things like raw meat, germs, and, yes, the Coronavirus. Do you have a plan for dealing with your compulsions? Limiting them, delaying them, etc.?

Also, look up "The Noise in Your Head" video series (by Reid Wilson) on YouTube for a good illustration of how to deal with obsessive thoughts. I can suggest other resources, too, if you want!

 

[stella55]

I'm glad that having other people around has helped! I find that being around other people helps me as well. It's like when I'm alone, I have control over my environment, and I am free to indulge in my bad habits. When I have other people around, I have to either get over myself to some degree, or look like a total loon by demanding they follow my preferences. I think that's a reason so many people with OCD are deliberately over-involved, making sure every minute is filled with some task, activity, social obligation, or volunteer job. Being alone is not a recipe for success. My brain is not very good company.

I read about a guy that had a similar problem. He had an obsession about developing a hand-washing compulsion. He was terrified of becoming a compulsive washer, so he had to force himself to wash his hands. He never actually developed a hand-washing compulsion.

That sucks. Washing is hard in a pandemic like this. If nothing else, I think it's given the rest of the world a tiny taste of what it is like to have OCD, because it seems like everyone is now a compulsive washer. I'm like, "You know how scared you feel when you come back from the grocery store and haven't washed your hands yet? Well, we feel like that all the time."

Thanks for your reply! It is always nice to read about other people's experiences with OCD, makes me feel not so alone.
I also try to open myself up more to people I trust. I used to keep a certain distance from people and hide the fact that I have OCD because I was afraid that people will start judging me and see my disorder rather than my soul and personality. But recently I decided to try trust my close friends more because I know that I can rely on them, anf if they should avoid me after learning about my OCD, then they were no friends to begin with. It really feels much better now that I don't have to hide my disorder anymore!
But obviously, I cannot talk about such specific spiritual obsessions with just anyone, because I will for sure be misunderstood by those who are unfamiliar with the disorder. That's why I love this forum and the people that have reached out to me and helped me tremendously!
Haha, and yes, I agree about the pandemic situation. I was also shocked to learn about some other people's hygiene habits. They would say things like "Oh, now I have to wash my hands after coming home... And also have separate sets of clothes for outside and inside..." and I will think to myself, "...You weren't doing this before??". Terrifying, really!

I get it! Germ obsession and handwashing was my very first introduction to OCD, back when I was about seven or eight years old. I still am hyper-careful (OK, a little obsessive ) when it comes to things like raw meat, germs, and, yes, the Coronavirus. Do you have a plan for dealing with your compulsions? Limiting them, delaying them, etc.?

Ugh, I hate cooking for the same reasons... Touching raw meat, eggs, even lettuce is always a challenge for me... I even lost some weight during the quarantine because I had to cook my own food instead of going out to eat.

I am currently trying to limit my handwashing rituals, e.g. washing them just once, but more thoroughly (I could wash them up to 3 times in a row, if I feel like I've touched something especially "dirty") and I am also trying to ignore many of OCD's demands to perform a compulsion. I keep reminding myself of the ERP principle that I will experience bigger anxiety for a while, but eventually it will become less and less stressful.

Also, look up "The Noise in Your Head" video series (by Reid Wilson) on YouTube for a good illustration of how to deal with obsessive thoughts. I can suggest other resources, too, if you want!

I will check it out, thanks! And it would be lovely to learn about new resources!

 

[Mari17]

Thanks for your reply! It is always nice to read about other people's experiences with OCD, makes me feel not so alone.
I also try to open myself up more to people I trust. I used to keep a certain distance from people and hide the fact that I have OCD because I was afraid that people will start judging me and see my disorder rather than my soul and personality. But recently I decided to try trust my close friends more because I know that I can rely on them, anf if they should avoid me after learning about my OCD, then they were no friends to begin with. It really feels much better now that I don't have to hide my disorder anymore!
But obviously, I cannot talk about such specific spiritual obsessions with just anyone, because I will for sure be misunderstood by those who are unfamiliar with the disorder. That's why I love this forum and the people that have reached out to me and helped me tremendously!
Haha, and yes, I agree about the pandemic situation. I was also shocked to learn about some other people's hygiene habits. They would say things like "Oh, now I have to wash my hands after coming home... And also have separate sets of clothes for outside and inside..." and I will think to myself, "...You weren't doing this before??". Terrifying, really!



Ugh, I hate cooking for the same reasons... Touching raw meat, eggs, even lettuce is always a challenge for me... I even lost some weight during the quarantine because I had to cook my own food instead of going out to eat.

I am currently trying to limit my handwashing rituals, e.g. washing them just once, but more thoroughly (I could wash them up to 3 times in a row, if I feel like I've touched something especially "dirty") and I am also trying to ignore many of OCD's demands to perform a compulsion. I keep reminding myself of the ERP principle that I will experience bigger anxiety for a while, but eventually it will become less and less stressful.


I will check it out, thanks! And it would be lovely to learn about new resources!

Well, if you're practicing ERP principles, you're off to a great start! Here is a list of many resources: Resources – OCD Aware. I think two of my favorites are Jackie Lea Sommers' page, and Dr. Ian Osborn's site. I'm also part of a pretty good support group on Facebook. Also, feel free to pm me anytime if you want to talk!

 

[stella55]

I'm kind of freaking out right now about the thing that I wrote before. Does anyone think I could have actually made those evil spirits angry through those insults directed at them, even though they were not my thoughts at all, but a product of my disorder? Like, they don't know that I have OCD and may think that I am deliberately insulting them and maybe want to destroy me?

I keep remembering stuff from my past and it's just getting worse and worse. I am feverishly avoiding all things associated with those spirits that I've heard of. I'm not going to name the exact things, but just imagine that if, let's say, those spirits were associated with trees, then I would avoid touching trees or walking past them, and avoid other items that I would have seen touching a tree, because I would think that that item has taken over the "energy" of the tree and by touching it, I would sort of open a door for those evil spirits to come and get me.

Whenever something bad happens, or whenever I experience health issues, I am forced to think that it's those spirits attacking me.

It's gotten so ridiculous that even when I accidentally see one of those things on my phone screen, I feel the need to clean the screen with wet wipes to "clear" it from the bad energy. As if those random pixels could have escaped the phone and materialised into the real world.

I actually feel bad for having these fears, because I understand that they are rather occult and not very Christian-like. Unfortunately I wasn't a proper Christian until quite recently (even though baptised and always believed in God nevertheless) therefore I feel like my mind is still shaped by that secular lifestyle.

And I don't want the Lord to think that I don't believe that He is protecting me. On the contrary, I know that He is protecting me and I am very grateful for that. But my OCD sometimes makes me forget that and there are always those but what if... moments.

And all of this is solely because almost 9 years ago I didn't properly stop those intrusive thoughts and throughout all these years they kept developing further, coming up with new ways to terrify me.

I am sick and tired of this obsession theme. I never wanted to have anything to do with the occult, and yet I can't stop thinking about these things. I feel like this is a theme that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and that makes me so desperate.

 

[stella55]

I just found out that this is called "emotional contamination", here is a good detailed description of it if anyone is interested:
International OCD Foundation | Emotional Contamination

Not that it helps me with my problem very much, but still good to know that I'm not the only one experiencing such bizarre symptoms.

 

[Mari17]

I'm kind of freaking out right now about the thing that I wrote before. Does anyone think I could have actually made those evil spirits angry through those insults directed at them, even though they were not my thoughts at all, but a product of my disorder? Like, they don't know that I have OCD and may think that I am deliberately insulting them and maybe want to destroy me?

I keep remembering stuff from my past and it's just getting worse and worse. I am feverishly avoiding all things associated with those spirits that I've heard of. I'm not going to name the exact things, but just imagine that if, let's say, those spirits were associated with trees, then I would avoid touching trees or walking past them, and avoid other items that I would have seen touching a tree, because I would think that that item has taken over the "energy" of the tree and by touching it, I would sort of open a door for those evil spirits to come and get me.

Whenever something bad happens, or whenever I experience health issues, I am forced to think that it's those spirits attacking me.

It's gotten so ridiculous that even when I accidentally see one of those things on my phone screen, I feel the need to clean the screen with wet wipes to "clear" it from the bad energy. As if those random pixels could have escaped the phone and materialised into the real world.

I actually feel bad for having these fears, because I understand that they are rather occult and not very Christian-like. Unfortunately I wasn't a proper Christian until quite recently (even though baptised and always believed in God nevertheless) therefore I feel like my mind is still shaped by that secular lifestyle.

And I don't want the Lord to think that I don't believe that He is protecting me. On the contrary, I know that He is protecting me and I am very grateful for that. But my OCD sometimes makes me forget that and there are always those but what if... moments.

And all of this is solely because almost 9 years ago I didn't properly stop those intrusive thoughts and throughout all these years they kept developing further, coming up with new ways to terrify me.

I am sick and tired of this obsession theme. I never wanted to have anything to do with the occult, and yet I can't stop thinking about these things. I feel like this is a theme that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and that makes me so desperate.

I like that you can identify the OCD in this. In your own words...

"And I don't want the Lord to think that I don't believe that He is protecting me. On the contrary, I know that He is protecting me and I am very grateful for that. But my OCD sometimes makes me forget that and there are always those but what if... moments."

It doesn't make it any easier to stand up to the OCD, though, I know. What are some concrete steps you can take to start delaying/limiting your compulsions?

 

[stella55]

I like that you can identify the OCD in this. In your own words...

"And I don't want the Lord to think that I don't believe that He is protecting me. On the contrary, I know that He is protecting me and I am very grateful for that. But my OCD sometimes makes me forget that and there are always those but what if... moments."

It doesn't make it any easier to stand up to the OCD, though, I know. What are some concrete steps you can take to start delaying/limiting your compulsions?

Thank you. My mental state has been like a seesaw recently: I have one day when the sun shines through the dark coulds of my mind, I'm doing kinda ok, feeling even optimistic about my future and having hope that I can get through this, but the next day another day is full of despair again, my compulsions taking over me, not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which may not be bad, because up until recently all of my days were rather dark, so maybe these light days will gradually increase in frequency.

Unfortunately it is still extremely difficult for me to limit or decrease my complusions. They have gotten extremely complex and I am angry with my past self for not being able to stop them when they were still rather simple. I sometimes get bursts of motivation when I want to jump up and clean up the mess that I've created, not worrying about the possible "contamination". But the OCD still overpowers these thoughts with the "no, better don't do this just in case it's dangerous" and then I'm left with my misery again.

 

[Mari17]

Thank you. My mental state has been like a seesaw recently: I have one day when the sun shines through the dark coulds of my mind, I'm doing kinda ok, feeling even optimistic about my future and having hope that I can get through this, but the next day another day is full of despair again, my compulsions taking over me, not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which may not be bad, because up until recently all of my days were rather dark, so maybe these light days will gradually increase in frequency.

Unfortunately it is still extremely difficult for me to limit or decrease my complusions. They have gotten extremely complex and I am angry with my past self for not being able to stop them when they were still rather simple. I sometimes get bursts of motivation when I want to jump up and clean up the mess that I've created, not worrying about the possible "contamination". But the OCD still overpowers these thoughts with the "no, better don't do this just in case it's dangerous" and then I'm left with my misery again.

It can be hard to stop compulsions, which is why sometimes strategies like limiting or delaying them are helpful. What are some small steps you could take to work toward not doing your compulsions?