Confused, overwhelmed and discouraged: Confession

[Woodsy]

I'm feeling a little confused and upset around the issue of confession.
Some of you may know where I'm coming from: I am attempting during Lent (and hopefully long after) to be a weekly Communicant for the first time ever.
I spent a couple of years (when I was most on fire) not being able to receive the Eucharist due to my having unresolved annulments. During that time I did not avail myself of Confession very often.

Alot of time would pass between my visits to the Confessional, so I'd always have tons o' bad stuff to Confess and do penance for.

So now is the first time that I am really having to deal with determining which of my many sins are mortal and which venial on a weekly basis. I understand the three requirements for a mortal sin to have taken place.

• Mortal sin is a sin of grave matter
• Mortal sin is committed with full knowledge of the sinner
• Mortal sin is committed with deliberate consent of the sinner

My confusion comes around the issue of determining which are grave matters.

On the one hand, I feel as though I made it through this week without any mortal sins. But that seems kind of crazy - how in the world could I have done that? I'm not very holy at all. I'm really messed up and sinful.

On the other hand, if I look at the mortal sins very closely, it seems as though I commit mortal sins every day and could only receive the Eucharist if I could go to confession ten minutes before Mass begins.

* I envy other people's stuff all the time. Not drooling over it or obsessing over it, but I'll say, "Hey that guy always has sharp clothes. I wish I could dress like that." or, "That guy's so tall; I hate being short. Why can't I be tall like him?"

* I am greedy. I'm selling a big portion of my book collection, and I'm thrilled at the prospect of the money it may bring me so that I can buy stuff I want.

* Am I sinning against Charity by the indifference I often show the poor on the city streets?

* No matter how observant I am during Lent, there is always more that I could do, but I also do want my leisure time and my licit temporal pleasures. Is this lukewarmness or spiritual sloth?

* I have a bit of a problem with profanity which I am working to undo. This morning I used the Lord's name in vain, but only in my head - it didn't make it to my lips. Was that a mortal sin?

* Is every profanity a mortal sin, or only the ones which misuse and abuse the name of God?

* I have lustful thoughts in my head, but have been good at avoiding inappropriate contentography and have been doing okay at nipping these thoughts in the bud before they become full-blown fantasies. Is each of these thoughts a mortal sin?

* I get really angry when dealing with my ADHD son. Is my terrible anger a mortal sin? If so, is every time I express it a separate mortal sin?

I may be making too much of this, but I am really afraid of receiving the Eucharist unworthily. I felt like giving up this morning as I fretted over whether I needed to go to Confession and if I did, what I should confess. I'm trying not to give up, but this feels supremely important and terribly overwhelming.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

You questioning whether you committed mortal sin or not, which says, you didn't have full knowledge when you committed them.

Sounds like your in need of a good spiritual counselor.

Jim

 

[MoNiCa4316]

Firstly, that's a great idea to want to go to Confession more

I think that maybe it might help you to find a good spiritual director.

But the way I see it, the intent is really important here (deliberate consent). Let's say you have a horrible thought..something sinful - like anger, lust, or greed. Is it a mortal sin? Well - that depends. If you welcome this thought, knowing it's wrong, then yup that's a sin. But if you try to block it out..if you try to stop it...then it's just a temptation, or at worse, a venial sin. Look at your intention and what really happened in that particular instance. For example....let's say I feel envious of my friend. If right when I realize that I'm envious I say a prayer and repent and try to get rid of this thought, that's probably a venial sin. If I entertain this thought for a time, knowing it's wrong, I've sinned. Don't get scrupulous and start thinking that every thought and feeling is a sin. It only is if you LET it happen. If you try your best to stop it, that means you're being tempted and resisting.

I hope I've said this correctly...

But I suggest getting a spiritual director. Cause this might be an ongoing thing until you learn how to tell them apart. I think it's always difficult at first, I'm trying to figure it out too for myself

also, keep in mind that you CAN confess venial sins as well!!!

in fact, the Church *encourages* us to.

 

[Woodsy]

I think that we can often be the worst judges of our own intent, and so I often hesitate to trust my own judgment. We can so easily make excuses for ourselves. I could even have written my entire post with a subconscious eye toward evoking sympathy and reassurances.

(BTW, Is a spiritual counselor only a priest?)

 

[Fantine]

Maybe receiving the Eucharist more often would give you the extra strength you need to avoid some of these sins. It's easier to discern WWJD when he's right there with you.

None of those things sound like mortal sins to me. Most sound like f'ighting temptation.

We all get angry with our kids sometimes, ADHD or not, but what matters most is how we act on that anger. We all have thoughts pop into our heads, but what matters is how we deal with those thoughts.

Confessors don't always have the time (or the expertise) to offer advice on any given situation, but you could try to seek help other ways.

It might be good to take a parenting class to learn how to deal better with your ADHD child....or to contact a support organization for advice. I love Edward Hallowell's books on ADHD (he is a Harvard-educated physician with ADHD.)

Are you indifferent to the street people, or do you think that it's best to address their needs through contributions to organizations? When we are in NYC, we are approached by homeless people in Penn Station sometimes. Once it was about midnight, we had seen a show. I had no money other than my train tickets and a bag of candy. We gave the man the bag of candy. He looked at us as if we were insane (although he had said he was hungry.) After that I would always buy a few McDonald's gift cards on our trip, and if someone approached us wanting a meal we'd give him a McDonald's gift card.

But I don't always think that giving a homeless person cash is the best solution.

 

[MoNiCa4316]

I think that we can often be the worst judges of our own intent, and so I often hesitate to trust my own judgment.

I agree about motives.. but I'm talking about something much simpler. Just ask yourself: are you trying to stop this thought/feeling/action, or are you letting it happen? it's all about choices... if you feel like sinning but really try not to, and thus choose not to, you haven't sinned. If you consciously let yourself do it, knowing it's wrong, you sinned.
If you're trying your best to stop a bad thought, then it's just a temptation or a venial sin.

We can so easily make excuses for ourselves. I could even have written my entire post with a subconscious eye toward evoking sympathy and reassurances.

lol true, but I'm not talking about the subconscious or motives. But simply, are you letting yourself have these thoughts, or are you trying to stop them as quickly as you're aware of them. If you're trying to stop them, It's something that's definitely conscious. You can't miss it.

(BTW, Is a spiritual counselor only a priest?)

it's usually a priest... can also be a religious, or a specially trained lay person. Priests who have been trained in spiritual direction are usually the best.. if there's a retreat center or something near you, you might find one there.. or just by asking your church for spiritual directors in the diocese? hmm.. there MIGHT be a list of them, depending on your diocese.... maybe someone here who actualy has a spiritual director could help you out more

 

[Fish and Bread]

I really second everyone else has said that it sounds like you could benefit from some sort of spiritual direction, either formally from a spiritual director (Who are often priests) or just an occasional meeting with a priest.

I mean, to me, your list doesn't sound that bad at all and it seems like there probably aren't really any mortal sins there. But if you think there are and truly keep looking into this stuff and don't know, and it's interfering majorly in your spiritual life, maybe you could get an expert like a priest to tell you and help you out. He can help you sort out the different between valid concerns and being overly scrupulous. You don't want to let yourself be hung up forever because you can't sort stuff out for yourself when there are folks who could really work with you and help you understand (Who aren't Internet people like me who don't really know what we're talking about. ).

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

GEt you a good examination of conscience which delineates mortal and venial sin--ask your confessor to look over it and tell you if it's good for you.. Ask these specific questions in confession-ask you confessor for help in understanding how to determine venial and mortal sin.

MOrtal sins are determined by the Decalogue and by the Precepts.

From the CCC:
1858 Grave matter is specified by the Ten Commandments, corresponding to the answer of Jesus to the rich young man: "Do not kill, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and your mother."132 The gravity of sins is more or less great: murder is graver than theft. One must also take into account who is wronged: violence against parents is in itself graver than violence against a stranger.

1859 Mortal sin requires full knowledge and complete consent. It presupposes knowledge of the sinful character of the act, of its opposition to God's law. It also implies a consent sufficiently deliberate to be a personal choice. Feigned ignorance and hardness of heart133 do not diminish, but rather increase, the voluntary character of a sin.

Though there are some differing thoughts on the matter, what I was taught is that the seven capital vices are not in and of them selves grave matter, rather they are indicative of a proclivity to sin..and pave the way to destroying one's resolve and conscience so that one becomes more capable of commiting mortal sin.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

Re your list-

1. it isn't envy until you wish that the other person didn't have it.. It's not just wanting for yourself--but stripping them from having it.

2. greed is greed and as such ought to be fought against, because it indicates a proclivity to sin, contrary to the love of God. Donate 10% of what you make and keep the rest. Generosity will always be a step in opposition to greed...

3. you are likely sinning against charity by indifference to the poor, if you fail to see Jesus in them, and to see human beings in need...

4. there is no sin whatsoever attached to not doing personal devotions not required by the Church.

5. so you had the temptation to speak the Lord's name in vain--and didn't.

6. words are are just words - what matters is if you use our words-any words with malice

7. again you are recognising the temptaion and are not giving into it...only you can truly know if you are dwelling on these thoughts at all as they pop into your mind

8. Anger-- especially as an emotion provoked by stress and habit is possible not sinful at all--and just a disordered emotion. Anger at your children--unless it is reaching over into abusiveness- is not sinful. Though it is better confessed, because it gives you the grace to keep fighting. (In my experience this needs far more than just prayer and confession and the EUcharist to deal with--it needs professional intervention, and the sacraments provide the grace to take that step and to keep on healing from your own childhood and short comings which produce this response in you)

Honestly--there is not one thing on that list which is mortally sinful. And it is really, really, really important to rememebr that God love you He loves you infinitely, and sees you a precious in His sight. As you focus on your sins and bad habots and vices...don't lose fact of the truth that Jesus loves you, and that HE doesn't think you are a big ball of worthless sludge who is only made up of his shortcomings.

 

[benedictaoo]

I'm feeling a little confused and upset around the issue of confession.
Some of you may know where I'm coming from: I am attempting during Lent (and hopefully long after) to be a weekly Communicant for the first time ever.
I spent a couple of years (when I was most on fire) not being able to receive the Eucharist due to my having unresolved annulments. During that time I did not avail myself of Confession very often.

Alot of time would pass between my visits to the Confessional, so I'd always have tons o' bad stuff to Confess and do penance for.

So now is the first time that I am really having to deal with determining which of my many sins are mortal and which venial on a weekly basis. I understand the three requirements for a mortal sin to have taken place.

• Mortal sin is a sin of grave matter
• Mortal sin is committed with full knowledge of the sinner
• Mortal sin is committed with deliberate consent of the sinner

My confusion comes around the issue of determining which are grave matters.

On the one hand, I feel as though I made it through this week without any mortal sins. But that seems kind of crazy - how in the world could I have done that? I'm not very holy at all. I'm really messed up and sinful.

On the other hand, if I look at the mortal sins very closely, it seems as though I commit mortal sins every day and could only receive the Eucharist if I could go to confession ten minutes before Mass begins.

* I envy other people's stuff all the time. Not drooling over it or obsessing over it, but I'll say, "Hey that guy always has sharp clothes. I wish I could dress like that." or, "That guy's so tall; I hate being short. Why can't I be tall like him?"

* I am greedy. I'm selling a big portion of my book collection, and I'm thrilled at the prospect of the money it may bring me so that I can buy stuff I want.

* Am I sinning against Charity by the indifference I often show the poor on the city streets?

* No matter how observant I am during Lent, there is always more that I could do, but I also do want my leisure time and my licit temporal pleasures. Is this lukewarmness or spiritual sloth?

* I have a bit of a problem with profanity which I am working to undo. This morning I used the Lord's name in vain, but only in my head - it didn't make it to my lips. Was that a mortal sin?

* Is every profanity a mortal sin, or only the ones which misuse and abuse the name of God?

* I have lustful thoughts in my head, but have been good at avoiding inappropriate contentography and have been doing okay at nipping these thoughts in the bud before they become full-blown fantasies. Is each of these thoughts a mortal sin?

* I get really angry when dealing with my ADHD son. Is my terrible anger a mortal sin? If so, is every time I express it a separate mortal sin?

I may be making too much of this, but I am really afraid of receiving the Eucharist unworthily. I felt like giving up this morning as I fretted over whether I needed to go to Confession and if I did, what I should confess. I'm trying not to give up, but this feels supremely important and terribly overwhelming.

it sounds as if you are dealing with weakness combined with some habit.

It's hard to break a habit of how we react to situations. It takes a lot of practicing virtue before the virtues are second nature to us and not the vices.

You should to confess your weakness and receive communion as much as you can becuase you need the grace to over come.

weakness per say is not mortal unless you give in and give up fighting.

feelings are never a sin but actions that result from them are. self control is a tough one and the habits you formed may effect the culpability. This is why you need to confess it to a preist, becuase it's impossible to sort it out on your own.

I had a ADHA son (he's now 20), I ahve a 12 year old autistic son and now it looks as if my daughter is dyslexic.

you have no idea how angry I feel. many times I do lose it and I am sorry that I do but i have come to terms with it and I do not let it get me down or feel as if it's just a cycle.

I trust that the Lord knows what I have to go through.... becuase only the Lord knows.

 

[MoNiCa4316]

1. it isn't envy until you wish that the other person didn't have it.. It's not just wanting for yourself--but stripping them from having it.

not to derail the thread, but - are you sure? I look at it sort of differently..

 

[Woodsy]

Wow - great answers here, as usual. I have never understood scrupulosity, but now that I am dealing with regular confession I see that I may have some struggles with scrupulosity myself. I also don't have any Catholic friends, so I don't ever get to see everyday life with a normal Catholic and how they handle it. I rely on Internet forums for that.

About a spiritual director, I have to say that my parish has a super great priest. Faithful to the Magisterium and orthodox. I Just know that his hands are full and I hesitate to take his time since my attendance has been so spotty over the last couple of years.
As far as looking for someone not a priest, I'm afraid I don't know how to ensure that I find someone who is orthodox in their beliefs and practices.

 

[benedictaoo]

Wow - great answers here, as usual. I have never understood scrupulosity, but now that I am dealing with regular confession I see that I may have some struggles with scrupulosity myself. I also don't have any Catholic friends, so I don't ever get to see everyday life with a normal Catholic and how they handle it. I rely on Internet forums for that.

About a spiritual director, I have to say that my parish has a super great priest. Faithful to the Magisterium and orthodox. I Just know that his hands are full and I hesitate to take his time since my attendance has been so spotty over the last couple of years.
As far as looking for someone not a priest, I'm afraid I don't know how to ensure that I find someone who is orthodox in their beliefs and practices.

you know what? Throw the mortal/venial book out the window.. if you are trying to overcome bad habits that are sinful... confess every chance you get becuase confession is the grace to overcome them.

You will receive power from on high to break the habit and the devil will lose his effect on you.

confession and communion is the way to combat this... if it is your will and desire to not be this way and you give in-- it's human weakness. Confess it and do not fall into self loathing becuase you can't be perfect.

 

[benedictaoo]

not to derail the thread, but - are you sure? I look at it sort of differently..

yea, becuase look at what it can lead you to do?

If you envy someone for their blond hair, that is one thing.. wanting blond hair like, "wishing" you had it, that is not a sin per say... but if you think that person who has that long blonde hair does not deserve it-- you do, so you hire a hit man to go sahve her head...that's pretty sinful.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

not to derail the thread, but - are you sure? I look at it sort of differently..

yes...for it to be eny you have to wish the other person not to have it, if you just want it too it's jealousy--which can be sinful, but not necessarily so (it's a good thing to see someone with holiness and want that for yourself--it's envy if you wish they weren't as holy as they are.)

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

yea, becuase look at what it can lead you to do?

If you envy someone for their blond hair, that is one thing.. wanting blond hair like, "wishing" you had it, that is not a sin per say... but if you think that person who has that long blonde hair does not deserve it-- you do, so you hire a hit man to go sahve her head...that's pretty sinful.

It also fails to see and honor God's providence in giving as he sees fit..envy is related to pride--pride being the elevation of ourselves at the expense of others or through disordering our relation to God.