this time I had deliberately chosen to watch porn and I was hoping to test myself to see if I was over porn already. I get aroused when I see two wrestlers are fighting. I get aroused when two guys are kissing or something. I get aroused by anything that has a hint of nudity.
whenever I see a Christian that has a gift or talent, I get jealous. I feel like I deserve that too. I don't see why they need to be so smart or so gifted.
I am truthfully a liberal-minded person. but I can be very unreasonable, irrational and inconsiderate of others. I can stick to my own opinions and will hardly budge. I insist that I am right and that other people's opinions are not as important as mine yet I desire mutual exchange of vital information. I strive to be perfect when it comes to religion and when I mess up by watching porn or masturbating, I will be very hard on myself. I will be scrupulous and may say long prayers of confession to get myself up from where I had stumbled.
I worry about what others say about me behind my back and when they laugh at me. I hate when people defame me and then others believe them and assume that I am the person who they've been told.
it' got to be someone's fault, it can't be mine, I always say.
why do others treat me like i'm not precious? i'm precious and I will insist on saying so. I am an attentive listener to others so why do they ignore me?
I deserve lots of things.. I am entitled. by entitled I don't mean spoiled because I never got anything growing up. I don't mind not getting anything materialistic. it's just that I am entitled to respect after being treated for so long. don't I give respect now? oh course. I feel justified and am proud.
when others talk about something that I don't like or have no interest in, due to my lack of knowledge(video games) I just feel like shutting them up or cutting them right off. I don't like it because I don't know it. just like I hate basketball because i'm not adept at it.
some girl called me poor and said that I could not afford nice clothes or an ipod. so what I did was that I called my cousin and asked her for an ipod. she got me one and uploaded some music that I never thought I would be listening to: addicted by Kelly Clarkson. I just felt like the singer. I was depressed because of all the things that went on at school. I wasn't always the nicest person i'm sure, but I was depressed and others hated me and things like that. I had to go through therapy and take meds and things like that. I cried a lot hoping to be healed. I went to an audiologist and she told me that everything was fine except a few infections here and there. I was like well then how do you explain the music in the background when it's not there? I guess it had to do with my listening to loud music, or turning up the volume.
porn leaves a spirit of loneliess, pride, and carnalness behind. it does not stop coming back to you unless you decide to give up. that's why even when I walk out into the real world to visit the library or something, I just feel uncomfortable knowing that there's a presence pervading me and the whole atmosphere is strange around me. people start staring at me like they knew what I had been doing the night before or the morning or afternoon that day or something. I mean, I don't use it too much. I just use it just enough to get sperm out. porn leaves g uilt behind and what makes it worse is that when you don't tell someone about it. porn leaves a wound that makes it so hard to sew up.
I even entertained the thought of having more sex than usual. this arises from gay porn I've been watching. I liked the posture and everything. I honestly don't hate it but I feel guilty. I have grown numb to it. I have tried to solve it on my own and by prayer and others have said why would you want to stop? I have never had sex before but I would sure hate to go there with a man. I lust over guys my age and all I see is a lust, nothing more. I don't see a future with either man or women. I am still young but I don't want to head down the road when it's too late.
I at times feel like God is trying to destroy my future by allowing me to watch so much porn and the more I pray the less it seems like he wants to hear me. It seems like Christians don't get the high paying jobs. it seems like Christians are the only ones that are ignorant of most science and seem kind of stupid sometimes when they attribute everything to evil like porn and stuff instead of going for the scientific explanation. I just feel like at times Christians are being laughed at by God or something. I feel like Christians are the ones who make the stupidest decisions in life and say the dumbest things and when others see them do it, people are shocked, like who are these people? they're supposed to be holy and sweet tongued yet they utter filthy mouths and goof around and things like that. they act just like us. it seems like only Christians struggle with sexual temptations. no one from any other religion has been through this before. I guess mother nature hates Christians for having done all the mean things and so to punish all Christians they need to be fools or something. that's just sad. what have we to do with the past?
whenever I see a Christian that has a gift or talent, I get jealous. I feel like I deserve that too. I don't see why they need to be so smart or so gifted.
I am truthfully a liberal-minded person. but I can be very unreasonable, irrational and inconsiderate of others. I can stick to my own opinions and will hardly budge. I insist that I am right and that other people's opinions are not as important as mine yet I desire mutual exchange of vital information. I strive to be perfect when it comes to religion and when I mess up by watching porn or masturbating, I will be very hard on myself. I will be scrupulous and may say long prayers of confession to get myself up from where I had stumbled.
I worry about what others say about me behind my back and when they laugh at me. I hate when people defame me and then others believe them and assume that I am the person who they've been told.
it' got to be someone's fault, it can't be mine, I always say.
why do others treat me like i'm not precious? i'm precious and I will insist on saying so. I am an attentive listener to others so why do they ignore me?
I deserve lots of things.. I am entitled. by entitled I don't mean spoiled because I never got anything growing up. I don't mind not getting anything materialistic. it's just that I am entitled to respect after being treated for so long. don't I give respect now? oh course. I feel justified and am proud.
when others talk about something that I don't like or have no interest in, due to my lack of knowledge(video games) I just feel like shutting them up or cutting them right off. I don't like it because I don't know it. just like I hate basketball because i'm not adept at it.
some girl called me poor and said that I could not afford nice clothes or an ipod. so what I did was that I called my cousin and asked her for an ipod. she got me one and uploaded some music that I never thought I would be listening to: addicted by Kelly Clarkson. I just felt like the singer. I was depressed because of all the things that went on at school. I wasn't always the nicest person i'm sure, but I was depressed and others hated me and things like that. I had to go through therapy and take meds and things like that. I cried a lot hoping to be healed. I went to an audiologist and she told me that everything was fine except a few infections here and there. I was like well then how do you explain the music in the background when it's not there? I guess it had to do with my listening to loud music, or turning up the volume.
porn leaves a spirit of loneliess, pride, and carnalness behind. it does not stop coming back to you unless you decide to give up. that's why even when I walk out into the real world to visit the library or something, I just feel uncomfortable knowing that there's a presence pervading me and the whole atmosphere is strange around me. people start staring at me like they knew what I had been doing the night before or the morning or afternoon that day or something. I mean, I don't use it too much. I just use it just enough to get sperm out. porn leaves g uilt behind and what makes it worse is that when you don't tell someone about it. porn leaves a wound that makes it so hard to sew up.
I even entertained the thought of having more sex than usual. this arises from gay porn I've been watching. I liked the posture and everything. I honestly don't hate it but I feel guilty. I have grown numb to it. I have tried to solve it on my own and by prayer and others have said why would you want to stop? I have never had sex before but I would sure hate to go there with a man. I lust over guys my age and all I see is a lust, nothing more. I don't see a future with either man or women. I am still young but I don't want to head down the road when it's too late.
I at times feel like God is trying to destroy my future by allowing me to watch so much porn and the more I pray the less it seems like he wants to hear me. It seems like Christians don't get the high paying jobs. it seems like Christians are the only ones that are ignorant of most science and seem kind of stupid sometimes when they attribute everything to evil like porn and stuff instead of going for the scientific explanation. I just feel like at times Christians are being laughed at by God or something. I feel like Christians are the ones who make the stupidest decisions in life and say the dumbest things and when others see them do it, people are shocked, like who are these people? they're supposed to be holy and sweet tongued yet they utter filthy mouths and goof around and things like that. they act just like us. it seems like only Christians struggle with sexual temptations. no one from any other religion has been through this before. I guess mother nature hates Christians for having done all the mean things and so to punish all Christians they need to be fools or something. that's just sad. what have we to do with the past?
