- Apr 4, 2004
- 17,412
- 1,071
- 38
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Pentecostal
- Marital Status
- Married
Hi all,
I recently realized that I am still quite co-dependent. I have had a long history of being co-dependent but over the years, I guess you could say I've gotten "smart" about how I deal with relationships. So I know what to do in relationships to avoid destroying the relationship. But at the same time, my relationships are not unhindered.
A lot of my co-dependency is rooted in a very deep and extreme fear of abandonment and rejection. While I'm aware of this, I'm rarely aware of the times when I'm being co-dependent, because I am so used to it now that it's just normal.
My co-dependency leads me to have feelings of jealousy, anger, and judgmentalism towards someone else, especially the ones that I am closest to. While I have learned to not voice those anymore and I genuinely have started to be a more honest and positive friend, I know that deep down, a lot of my heart hasn't changed. Some things that used to bother me don't bother me as much anymore, but man I have a lot of "grrrr" and "why don't you see" and "why are you thinking/doing that?" moments that I don't want to have, that I don't need to have.
My fear of abandonment is definitely from my childhood. My dad was never consistent. He would give us stuff, then take it away if he felt like it. This included his love, good positive words, etc. and material possessions. There was never a consistent love, a consistent forgiveness, and there was always this feeling of "I might be good enough this minute, but next minute I won't be, so I have to prove that I am". So now I live a life very much trying to prove my worth to people who first know me...and to my closer friends/husband, it presents itself differently through the "Secret" grrr feelings and sometimes passive aggressive behavior. I recognize that I have gotten a million times better, but I want to knock this thing out.
When I hear or say co-dependency, I always think "clingy, annoying, latched on" person...but it's not that kind of co-dependency. I genuinely don't feel like I need to cling on to anyone in particular now. I just know that there are still many traits, such as taking excessive responsibility for others (covering their butts), a tendency to mix my natural mercy with "pity" mercy, an extreme need for validation, especially from those who I feel are my "safe" people, feeling guilty when I assert myself, things like that.
One friend of mine said to me recently "Why is my love for you not good from one day to the next? Why is it only good for today and not tomorrow?" It really hurt me because that's not how I wanted to come across to her at all...and I work SO hard to not be codependent. But she has a point. When someone expresses their love/appreciation for me, I am on a high that day, then the next day I feel like I have to prove that I"m worthy of it, and I subconsciously search out that validation and if I don't get it, I read into it. I assume the person is mad at me, or has had enough of me, or doesn't want to talk to me, or that I've come off the wrong way. So in an effort to avoid that, I end up screwing things up because I will write or call them and apologize for something that I likely didn't even do!
Can anyone relate? The typical answers I usually get are "well it's about loving yourself" and "let God love you, and that's all you need". I wish it was that easy! I do love myself, I just hate this part of myself and I'd like to have free and unhindered relationships. I know the abuse in my past and the emotional neglect definitely lends a hand to the "why" of all this. Now I just want to get past it! I'm willing to work hard...I'm as honest with myself as I can be...I'm just ready to move forward out of this into unhindered relationships.
I recently realized that I am still quite co-dependent. I have had a long history of being co-dependent but over the years, I guess you could say I've gotten "smart" about how I deal with relationships. So I know what to do in relationships to avoid destroying the relationship. But at the same time, my relationships are not unhindered.
A lot of my co-dependency is rooted in a very deep and extreme fear of abandonment and rejection. While I'm aware of this, I'm rarely aware of the times when I'm being co-dependent, because I am so used to it now that it's just normal.
My co-dependency leads me to have feelings of jealousy, anger, and judgmentalism towards someone else, especially the ones that I am closest to. While I have learned to not voice those anymore and I genuinely have started to be a more honest and positive friend, I know that deep down, a lot of my heart hasn't changed. Some things that used to bother me don't bother me as much anymore, but man I have a lot of "grrrr" and "why don't you see" and "why are you thinking/doing that?" moments that I don't want to have, that I don't need to have.
My fear of abandonment is definitely from my childhood. My dad was never consistent. He would give us stuff, then take it away if he felt like it. This included his love, good positive words, etc. and material possessions. There was never a consistent love, a consistent forgiveness, and there was always this feeling of "I might be good enough this minute, but next minute I won't be, so I have to prove that I am". So now I live a life very much trying to prove my worth to people who first know me...and to my closer friends/husband, it presents itself differently through the "Secret" grrr feelings and sometimes passive aggressive behavior. I recognize that I have gotten a million times better, but I want to knock this thing out.
When I hear or say co-dependency, I always think "clingy, annoying, latched on" person...but it's not that kind of co-dependency. I genuinely don't feel like I need to cling on to anyone in particular now. I just know that there are still many traits, such as taking excessive responsibility for others (covering their butts), a tendency to mix my natural mercy with "pity" mercy, an extreme need for validation, especially from those who I feel are my "safe" people, feeling guilty when I assert myself, things like that.
One friend of mine said to me recently "Why is my love for you not good from one day to the next? Why is it only good for today and not tomorrow?" It really hurt me because that's not how I wanted to come across to her at all...and I work SO hard to not be codependent. But she has a point. When someone expresses their love/appreciation for me, I am on a high that day, then the next day I feel like I have to prove that I"m worthy of it, and I subconsciously search out that validation and if I don't get it, I read into it. I assume the person is mad at me, or has had enough of me, or doesn't want to talk to me, or that I've come off the wrong way. So in an effort to avoid that, I end up screwing things up because I will write or call them and apologize for something that I likely didn't even do!
Can anyone relate? The typical answers I usually get are "well it's about loving yourself" and "let God love you, and that's all you need". I wish it was that easy! I do love myself, I just hate this part of myself and I'd like to have free and unhindered relationships. I know the abuse in my past and the emotional neglect definitely lends a hand to the "why" of all this. Now I just want to get past it! I'm willing to work hard...I'm as honest with myself as I can be...I'm just ready to move forward out of this into unhindered relationships.
