checked out on life

[AL12]

I made a realization today that I am checked out on life. Nothing seems to give me enjoyment and I don’t know where to look to find it. It has probably been a long time coming as I’ve always seeking happiness that was never fully in my midst.

My job is considered to be a cool job, which has maybe helped to mask my discontentment with my worklife all these years. At work, I just try to keep busy and look at the clock while trying to distract myself by playing a documentary or tv show in the background(usually something really dark, maybe because it reflects my mood). Afterwords I just go straight home, be alone and eat and then maybe drink.

The place where I live is not ideal, neither is my car, clothes, now weight... It seems like I’ve neglected things around me long enough where everything now sucks. It’s overwhelming to think about and I just feel detached. I seem to feel very complacent and lack motivation to make those things better. I’ve never been good at making friends, so I don’t have any close ones. I have always found it difficult to relate to people. I am single, female, in my early thirties and so I have some anxiety about staying alone and not having kids.

I’m not sure if I just have depression, or I’m depressed about my lack of a social life and such. I have tried medications in the past, some have helped me feel better, but my brain has adapted to all of them and so they eventually stopped having any effect. The advice I got from psychologists have been A. go out to socialize more or B. medicate. I try both and this is where I’m at. I pray often about it and I know that we are to be joyful, but it just seems impossible for me. Sorry if this sounded very complainy, but I've got to get it out. Advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Purge187]

If you need medicine to help with your depression, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and you should talk with your doctor if they're not working for you anymore.

I know that it sounds cliche, but yes, being around like-minded people can help. Have you tried looking up social groups who share your interests? Any groups in your church?

I pray daily for fellow board members who suffer from emotional and spiritual siege. Don't give up on yourselves, each other or God. Ever.

 

[brinny]

Bless yer heart, i'm sooo glad you posted......there's a spark in you that prompted you to post. What you describe is part of the symptoms that develop from the "dark" things you describe, that feed into yet more darkness, killing little by little, hope, and thus the despair and melancholy take hold and replace light. I have experienced it more times than i can count. i have come to the conclusion that darkness is not my friend, but intends to do me in, and get me to help with my own demise....but there was that li'l spark that somehow spoke up in its own way, challenging the big ol' "nothing" (like the "nothing" in the movie "Neverending Story").

Keep reaching out precious. And include in the reaching out a trusted counselor or someone you can talk to and others who honestly care about you.

I also second what purge said. (((hug)))

 

[Spunkn]

Sounds like depression that I went through. At first you can still function, but little by little, day after day it just begins to wear on you until things get worse and worse eventually to the point where you can't even function normally anymore.

When do you first think the depression first kind of started?

It can be hard to distinguish between real depression and just feeling overwhelmed with things in life, but it does sound like you have a deeper problem then just motivation or something.

Keep praying, God will help you

 

[Criada]

I agree with the advice you've had from others - please don't give up - God has a plan for you, and you are very much loved
Praying for you.

 

[AL12]

Thank you guys with all your thoughts and comments. I truly appreciate it. It is somewhat therapeudic to write it all down in one shot and share it in a safe place like the internet

Purge187- Thanks. I think I will consider taking meds again. It seems like one way to put effort into myself. As far as social groups, I go to meetups, but I’ve never been good at making friends. So I don’t have any close ones, especially christian friends. I didnt grow up in the church community and I still feel like I don't relate nor speak the same language as church ppl. I attend a small group, but always feel awkward and uncomfortable. I once shared about a doctor recommending taking meds for depression and was met with a lot of negative feedback by them, so I don't feel that they would understand. Not sure if its worth bringing up to convince them otherwise, based on my current sensitive state. I always find it extremely hard to be open and judged in general. Plus I almost always have no feelings about seeing new people again, at the same time I am lonely...very contradicting...

brinny- thank you so much for your words. i understand what you mean and i like how you put it. good to have some support!

Spunkn- yeah..i don't exactly know what the problem is or underlying cause. Other ways of describing "unmotivated" would be, numb, blah, or detached... I think I first got really sad when i first moved out and adjusted to worklife. I was homesick, the day to day grind was a rude awakening and i was lonely. I don't have that so much now, but more just feeling checked out. sometimes i feel like i just don't know how to do life. A psychologist resident thought it was lifelong depression. I guess I could see that as well, but I seemed had more drive when I was younger.

Criada- thanks you for your words.

 

[RuthD]

I have had lifelong depression from abuse and probably a chemical imbalance that runs in my family. I agree that considering a new medication is a good idea. Talking to a counselor helps me, too. I look forward to seeing her and she does not judge me no matter what I talk about. Do you have a counselor? I am praying for your healing.

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

I have to tell you also that alcohol is a depressant and though it may make the pain more manageable for a day afterwards it will aggravate the depression. Im a big advocate of healthy eating and maybe food supplementation as part of the course of recovery from depression. the depression forum is a great place to begin your recovery. the prayers offered here may be more valuable than any other thing you will ever do combating depression.

one day at a time.

God bless,
Speckle
(sent from phone)