Change is so hard...

[desi]

I second that .

And Satan probably thirds it! Jenna, don't leave your husband, its just not right. Look at how I challenged anyone to provide biblical examples of what you're doing and noone has responded, yet they enthusiastically support your leaving him. Odd for a Christian forum.

 

[desi]

Well desi, if a spouse REFUSES to work things out and just gives up...what else is a person going to do? Just sit around and wait for them to come around, IF they ever do decide to? I agree, if they are both trying to fix things then fix them. But if someone isn't willing to and doens't want things to get better, what is a person supposed to do?

I agree, marriage is hard at times and can be hard a lot of the time and "giving up in hard times is short sighted and selfish." FYI, this is what happened to my parents. They stopped talking and gave up 10 years before my mom left. Those years were so unbelieveably miserable for them and for me and my sister. Their marriage was a slow, painful death and me and my sister had watch them fall through the cracks and become another statistic. I wish that my mom would have left sooner because they had both stopped trying to fix things and gave up. Yes, I wish that they would have worked things out...but neither of them were willing to so what are they supposed to do?

I do believe that there is only so much a person can mentally handle. And I don't think that divorce is the solution to a problem. If anything, it creates more problems. But what I am saying is that what if the other person doens't want to fix things?

If the other person does not want to fix things we love them until they are compelled to respond in kind. I'll bet while your parents marriage died a slow lingering death neither one of your parents consistently treated the other as the Bible advises.

 

[LadyBird]

desi you don't ANYTHING that went on in my parents marriage so dont assume you do!

 

[katelyn]

Jenna, I am so sorry this is happening. For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing. Obviously you've tried to work it out and his behavior hasn't changed. When it's bad to the point of abuse, the best thing you can do is not let it happen anymore.

I don't know if you've left or are still thinking about it or what. But if you do leave, I suggest that you work out a specific plan as to what needs to happen before you come back, so that things aren't left up in the air. For example, that you will not move back in until he sees a counselor with you, or perhaps gets some anger management. That way, he's not left guessing as to what he needs to do to make things right with you, and you can know that he's making an effort and not just saying he'll change.

 

[LadyBird]

Jenna, I am so sorry this is happening. For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing. Obviously you've tried to work it out and his behavior hasn't changed. When it's bad to the point of abuse, the best thing you can do is not let it happen anymore.

I don't know if you've left or are still thinking about it or what. But if you do leave, I suggest that you work out a specific plan as to what needs to happen before you come back, so that things aren't left up in the air. For example, that you will not move back in until he sees a counselor with you, or perhaps gets some anger management. That way, he's not left guessing as to what he needs to do to make things right with you, and you can know that he's making an effort and not just saying he'll change.

I agree with Katelyn 150%. The plan thing is a great idea. Then he knows what he needs to do to make things right. Jenna, I think you are doing the right thing too.

 

[Jenna]

Desi,

You know, I've had a problem with your posts, but not for the reasons that folks might think. I appreciate that you've been sticking to your convictions on what is right. What does bother me is that you are so confrontational about it. Maybe it is just the lack of emotion through typed text, but you come off as arrogant. It is very abrasive when what I really need is someone to talk to, but someone who will speak to me in love, not just demands and finger pointing. I'm not saying to back off the message, just to think about how you're delivering it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Well, all, I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still here, thanks to a terrible bought of "stomach flu". I just mark it down as "God works in mysterious ways". lol We're struggling, big time. But, at least he isn't being a brick wall for me to bang my head against, and for that I can be grateful. We've started on another session of "Homebuilders", so let's just hope that we can take something good from it and not drive each other to insanity. lol I'm trying to stay lighthearted about this, but let me tell you that it isn't easy.

Oh, and Desi, congratulations. Since you have been so "supportive" in the area of my marriage, I've decided to pick you up as my newest penpal. Doesn't that make you happy? So, I hope you don't mind the ramblings, rants, and confusion of a young married lady, cause they are coming your way. If my marriage means so much to you that you can get in my face about it, you can be a supportive shoulder too. It's much more productive. I hope you realize that I'm having a mite of sport with you, in addition to trying to make my point. It's only because in some odd way, I like you. lol



Fellow goober in Christ,

Jenna

 

[William Nunn]

It's good to hear things are progressing, even if only a little bit. I know my encouragement may sound hollow, but stick with it. Even if in the end it doesn't work - know at least that the Lord appreciates your efforts to be a good and faithful wife, even if your husband never does. I'm praying for you.

 

[Jenna]

Thank you , William.....

 

[kstam]

Jenna,

I am a husband. And I also experienced my father abusing my mom verbally. So I would share with you my experiences.

My father was an angry man even though he was a preacher! For 25 years in my parents' marriage, my dad had not been a loving husband. He would even phone up his buddies and made up stories about how bad she was. At the end my mom decided to separate from him because she was hurt emotionally. I was at first objecting her decision, because the Bible teaches against it. After seeking advice from my pastor, I supported her decision to move out. My pastor pointed out that when a spouse is constantly abusing the other physically or emotionally, the covenant of marriage is already broken. Not too long after they separated, my mom filed a divorce. On the same day she got the divorce paper, she found out that she had cancer. She died later after years of struggling with the cancer.

My dad is now living with me. He is the same angry man. I admired my mom's strength to put up with him for 25 years.

I learnt from my dad how NOT to treat my wife. I sometimes made stupid comments about her. But my wife is graciously enough to point them out to me and forgave me.

Here's a few things I wish you can consider:
1. I hope you don't have any children, especially small ones. Seeing their parents separated will be very hard on the children. Very often they blame themselves for what had happened.
2. Separation will most likely lead to divorce.

Having said that, before you separate, would you consider:
1. telling your husband that you will go with him to see Christian counselling as a couple; I think you need to let him know that he has a serious problem and that you are willing to do whatever it can to help him.
2. giving your husband another chance if he repents.
3. not telling your friends about your husband's fault.
4. praying for your husband and yourself (see if there's anything you need to change) every day. Pray for a hedge of thorns around yourself and your husband, so that you will not fall into the temptation from another person. (Hosea 2:6-7)

 

[free4life]

Jenna,

I am in a situation similar to yours, and yet yours sounds much more extreme and I feel for you! Let me just say that I do not know if this is the best place for you to get help. This is just my opinion, but get in touch with a domestic abuse hotline because that is what you are dealing with here. I am sure you already know that this is ABUSE. The saddest thing about abuse in this country to me is how the church supports it. I do see how it could be easy to take a Bible and interpret all the marriage passages to mean that a wife should take it and be like Jesus by enduring the beatings and verbal abuse. But let's face it, nowhere in the Bible does it say it is okay to beat your wife.

I am not sure what I am going to do, but I can tell you that I am so sorry you are in this place. This is not your fault. I know that it might seem nice to hear advice about going to mutual Christian counseling and working hard to meet each other half way, but the truth is that your husband is probably not interested in mutuality. Abusers are interested in living in their own reality which is one of being above their victims and maintaining control. They do not wish to have things "fixed". (and why would they? They have no reason to want to change because they are not being abused or controlled..)

Get ahold of the book, "The Verbally abusive relationship" by patricia evans and see what you think. Also, "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. Maybe skim through them and pray for guidance? I don't have any easy answers for you, but please do get help. Don't isolate yourself whatever you do! Do whatever you can to have a support system. You might already know all this, but I just wanted to share some information that I have already learned so far

I think it is sad that ignorance continues to spread that women need to take it for the sake of the marriage and to be "Christ-like". I see the point, and I have struggled desperately with this. I honestly think that judgement in this case needs to be dealt out sparingly. I am always reminded how the pharisees put burdens on people and refused to lift a finger to help them....

Why is it okay for the abused partner to allow the abuser to continue in sin? And it is sin to abuse your spouse. So why is it more "exusable" to abuse but the abused spouse should continue in "love"? Something in my heart does not sit right with this....

Jenna, please get help. The Bible does not call separation a sin.

God Bless you,
Amber

 

[Follower of Christ]

My husband and I have been struggling since the beginning of our marriage, or rather- I have. We've had a lot of crazy things happen between us, and he seems to have changed a great deal, in what I wouldn't consider a positive direction. He thinks that mocking and belittling me is good sport. He has reduced making love to simply sex, no feelings involved. There is no intimacy between us, physical or emotional. I spend all of my time trying to hide my vulnerable parts from him because he has no respect for my feelings.

I have tried so hard to explain to him what it is that I need from him. I've tried to help him understand that while it seems real easy for him to say that he loves me, it isn't that easy for me to believe him. There is no action to back up what he says, and it leaves his words with a hollow ring for me. Every time that he gets angry and violent, calls me nasty names, everything just screams at me 'hate'.

For a long time now, I have held his love up as the prize, something that maybe if I tried hard enough, I could really win it. I know that it's silly. I guess I've just gotten to the point when I am just so tired of begging for scraps that I'd rather just starve than do it any more. I am terribly hurt, and he doesn't even want to recognize that he isn't treating me well. We've tried going to Christian couples things for marriage, but he doesn't stick with any of the positive lessons that he learns.

I've decided that I'm going to go away for a bit, though I'm not really sure that I want to come back. So many times he has said that things will change, that he will try harder to show me the love I deserve, but nothing ever changes. I feel like I am living in limbo while he decides whether I am worthy enough to invest himself in. It has done terrible things to my sense of self-worth, and I struggle so hard to even love myself a little.

I'm going to go and live with my grandparents for a while, see how things work out. No, there isn't anyone else. Lord know, at this point I don't know if I ever want to be romantically involved with anyone again, my husband or otherwise. I want so much for things to work out between us, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight every day of my life, just for the things that he promised me and should give freely. How can I ever trust his word? Even if he swore to me (again) that things would change, begged me to stay.... what would be the point? How can I believe that he's ever going to love me for the person that I am? All I see is that he doesn't want to be alone. I'm more than just a couch warmer though. I want to be important to him, and I'm not. I feel tremendous guilt, feeling as though I am destroying our marriage, while a voice in my head whispers that it's already been far gone. I know what his love feels like, yet he thinks that I'm supposed to be happy with what he now gives. I feel like I've been robbed of the best thing I've ever had, and there isn't a darned thing I can do to get it back. I can't make him love me, and it just kills me.

Youre in my prayers sister.
I have pretty much had to deal with the same type of thing from 2 wives.
And finally had to let them both go becuase they went so far as adultery.

Just keep your eyes on our Lord and He will bring you thru everything.
Only your husband can make himself decide that he wants to be all he can be to you.
And you DO deserve to be treated and loved much better.

As someone said earlier, be very careful of men now in this state.
So many men, including those gonig under the guise of christianity, will be more than willing to take advantage of you when your down for their own desires.

I pray that the Father will help you make all the right decisions and will guide you into the life and relationship He would want for you.....

 

[Galadriel]

Jenna,
I am so very sorry to hear what your going through. I can't imagine how hard that must be. The one who is supposed to love you more than anything is treating you like his whipping post, and that is just not right on his part. This is real tough, I don't think you should have to put up with physical abuse. He is the one who has to want to change, if he doesn't well, honestly Im not sure what to say in a situacion like this. Keep close to God, and don't give up on Him, He will help you.

 

[King Element]

Spock is right. Tread with caution and let the Lord guide you every step of the way. Be wary of letting anyone else come into your life...even family. Now is not the time to socialize, it's time to spend with the Lord and let Him guide you in your decisions.

 

[faith177]

I think if you feel a need for separation then you should, there is nothing wrong with taking a step away to get a look from a different perspective. Your husband may need to see what it feels like to not have you around and I would bet that he will be more open to change with the thought of not having you around anymore. It is easy to not change if you dont have to, maybe he needs a little motivation.

 

[kelly_martin99]

THOU SHALL NOT LIE....

I believe that is one of the commandments, am I wrong here Jenna?

 

[Jenna]

Is there a point to your post, Kelly? If so, I'd love to know what it is....

 

[LuxPerpetua]

Jenna--You are awesome! Never doubt that. I've read your posts here and I am in tears for you now. Christ went to the desert to fast and pray--we all need time-outs to renew our spirits. I support your decision to take a break from your husband for a while. This sounds like abuse to me, too, and although I don't support divorce I do support periods of separation to pray for your relationship and work on your marriage from a more neutral grounding point. I am here if you ever need ANYTHING!

Christians are called to love each other unconditionally--your family is here for you no matter what may fall. We're praying for ya, girl.

 

[SirKenin]

Yeah, I agree that you should take a break. It doesn't sound like your relationship is very healthy at the moment. You should safeguard your mental stability.

You need to honour your commitments to your husband, I'm in total agreement with that. However, a retreat away from him would probably do a world of good. Both of you take a deep breath, go for counselling and then reunite after a time that you might not be tempted.

I really wish you the best.