Caring about someone else while married

[sarahmann40]

I know that the title probably got alot of attention and I apologize if I am not posting to the right area of this forum. This, to me, seems like an issue of morality and I have been dealing with this for 5 months. To establish a baseline for my story, I want everyone to know that I am married to the perfect husband and have been for 15 years. I know that no one is perfect but he is caring, works hard for the family, will do anything for me and I know he loves me deeply. I have three kids, all doing great emotionally and in school. We have good jobs, my husband works for the government (Woo Hoo!) and I work at the local hospital. My life looks perfect and I am grateful for it. The not so perfect part is that in my last job at a hospital up the road, I fell in love, became infatuated, or whatever with another person. I love my husband dearly and would never consider having an affair. I dealt with these feelings for 2-3 months while working with this person and I knew that he felt the same. What scared me was that this seemed more emotional than physical. I prayed daily and finally I left the job. I have been feeling miserable since and thought that these feeling would go away after awhile. I was walking along yesterday with my dog and felt like I was going to break down. The tears were streaming down my face. I feel so sad that I even have these feeling when my husband is so good to me. I am continuing to pray and have had no contact with this person. Do these feelings ever go away. This is a small town and I am afraid to talk to a counselor as if he ever found out he would be crushed. Meanwhile, I go on being the good wife that I am.

 

[keith99]

Sounds to me like you did all you could and did well.

My only criticism is that it seems you are sure your husband husband would be crushed. Why? You resisted temptation. Perhaps that says something either about him or about how you view him. (With your final decision I have no problem, the same final decision to not see a counciler in a small town can be arived at simply because your husband might be hurt).

 

[sarahmann40]

It's just I thought that these feelings would go away by now. Maybe I am being to hard on myself. The truth be known my husband probably suspected something as I know I act dispondant at times. I just hope he didn't suspect that I actually had an affair. I am too ashamed to tell my husband my feeling though. I just hope that they go away.

 

[nhisname]

You did the right thing in leaving the job. When feeling sad just stand back and think about all the people it would have damaged if you had followed 'your heart'. Too many people follow their emotions ( which change like the wind, by the way) and wind up losing everything. God will bless you for making the right choices.

 

[moonkitty]

How long has it been since you left the job where this other man worked?

 

[Polycarp_fan]

I know that the title probably got alot of attention and I apologize if I am not posting to the right area of this forum. This, to me, seems like an issue of morality and I have been dealing with this for 5 months. To establish a baseline for my story, I want everyone to know that I am married to the perfect husband and have been for 15 years. I know that no one is perfect but he is caring, works hard for the family, will do anything for me and I know he loves me deeply. I have three kids, all doing great emotionally and in school. We have good jobs, my husband works for the government (Woo Hoo!) and I work at the local hospital. My life looks perfect and I am grateful for it. The not so perfect part is that in my last job at a hospital up the road, I fell in love, became infatuated, or whatever with another person. I love my husband dearly and would never consider having an affair. I dealt with these feelings for 2-3 months while working with this person and I knew that he felt the same. What scared me was that this seemed more emotional than physical. I prayed daily and finally I left the job. I have been feeling miserable since and thought that these feeling would go away after awhile. I was walking along yesterday with my dog and felt like I was going to break down. The tears were streaming down my face. I feel so sad that I even have these feeling when my husband is so good to me. I am continuing to pray and have had no contact with this person. Do these feelings ever go away. This is a small town and I am afraid to talk to a counselor as if he ever found out he would be crushed. Meanwhile, I go on being the good wife that I am.

My dear sister,

Being alive fully and having feelings for anotehr person is a good sign. I have a very good looking wife. We do not work together. I'm hoping that her erotic part of her brain is still in the right gear. I'm sure there have been men that have interested her. And who's kidding who about some women that have caused me some sleepless nights. But not with them.

If I were your counselor, I would tell you to feed your inner self with the satisfaction that you are still quite "normal." marriage hasn't caused you to become some kind of a snail in a shell.

Trust me the Lord will help you through this.

Hold on a minute a Transformers commercial is coming on . . .

OK I'm back (sort of). I'm not missing a Megan Fox glimpse even for a moment. Now where was I?

Oh yeah hot looking and great to know people. (I don't know Megan Fox But, there have been some real life women that caused me to desire them too. And they me. BUT, when I put this all into perspective as a mature adult and a mature Christian, it all becomes part of the exciting life we have IN Christ.

Billy Graham said that it's the second look that's adultery. So even he was a man. Erotic feelings should be expected. If I dig my wife, and for good reasons, it stands to reason someone else will. Don't listen to the rumors here, I'm not stupid.

File this "love" into your heart and mind and know that you do not hve to act on it and you can still keep the fans flamed. You are alive. Ever noticed what kind of people are in Jesus's family tree? frisky doesn't even come close to describing them.

I don't know if you need to tell a therapist anything. Chances are they'll screw things up. And telling your husband isn't necesary. He married you for more reasons than your child bearing ability I'll bet.

We're in the world and not of it. Yeah right.

The Bible is full of inconsistencies and contradictions precisely because it is truth.

Love your husband, love your children, love thefamily and love the fact that you are alive in many exciting ways. You should know by now, that you do not need to act on your feelinsg with this other guy to find fulfillment. That IS the world in which we are not of.

Just pinch youself and think deep thoughts and love the feeling that all of your senses are fully operational.

In Christ, in life.

Maranatha.


-----Boy I know how she feels.
\----------So do we!

 

[wanderingone]

I think there is more than the actual feelings for this person that would be causing you to feel so emotional about the matter.

You miss someone you felt a connection with, and you feel guilty about even having those feelings, and you feel like you're keeping a secret from your husband and you're at wits end trying to figure out a way to cope with it all.

You ARE being hard on yourself. You showed a lot of self control and took the action you felt you needed to take to protect your marriage. Many people won't acknowledge the actual emotions, you know yourself well.

When you left your job what did you tell your husband? If you had to stretch the truth about changing jobs that certainly would add to your assorted guilty feelings.

I really can't offer that much to assist you. I think it is not terrible to grieve the loss of a friendship, even one you knew was leading you to feel more than friendship toward this person so I don't think you are so bad to have conflicting emotions that lead to an episode of tears. I do think if these feelings are having an impact on your life you do need to speak to a counselor, a doctor, your clergy?

I personally would probably tell my husband.. but my relationship is not yours.. only you know what would be more harmful to your husband emotionally.

 

[keith99]

I think there is more than the actual feelings for this person that would be causing you to feel so emotional about the matter.

You miss someone you felt a connection with, and you feel guilty about even having those feelings, and you feel like you're keeping a secret from your husband and you're at wits end trying to figure out a way to cope with it all.

You ARE being hard on yourself. You showed a lot of self control and took the action you felt you needed to take to protect your marriage. Many people won't acknowledge the actual emotions, you know yourself well.

When you left your job what did you tell your husband? If you had to stretch the truth about changing jobs that certainly would add to your assorted guilty feelings.

I really can't offer that much to assist you. I think it is not terrible to grieve the loss of a friendship, even one you knew was leading you to feel more than friendship toward this person so I don't think you are so bad to have conflicting emotions that lead to an episode of tears. I do think if these feelings are having an impact on your life you do need to speak to a counselor, a doctor, your clergy?

I personally would probably tell my husband.. but my relationship is not yours.. only you know what would be more harmful to your husband emotionally.

Truer words were never spoken. Do not take anything in the reponses and use it as more than a starting point for thinking about things. You know far more about your situation than any of us ever could.

Take care in here. You will get some very good and thoughtful advice (like the post I quoted), some not so good advice and some simply bad advice.

Having someone to actually talk to would likely be good, but again you know the social situation in your small town. And do remember that if you do confide in someone who does keep your trust secret you will be placing a burden on them. Oh perhaps a burden they will be happy to carry if it helps you, but a burden still.

 

[Criada]

It does get easier with time, sweetie
You did the right thing.. and, it's very tough, I know. And it will probably never go away totally, but it will diminish and stop affecting your daily life. You are mourning.. and that affects us all differently, in the length of time it takes to recover, and the intensity of the feelings.
Could you go to a neighbouring town for some counseling? Or talk to your pastor?

 

[quatona]

I have my issues with the ideal of monogamy, so I guess I am the wrong person to ask.

That being said, from what you have written I get the impression that something about your marriage is not as golden as you wish it were, if you feel you can´t tell your husband about your feelings and even feel shame for them. In my opinion a partnership is exactly about this: trusting each other to respect one´s feelings.

While we are often better off censoring our behaviour (even though it may be the result of positive emotions), censoring (and/or fighting) our feelings is about the worst thing we can do, if only for the simple reason that it is counterproductive.

Maybe this advice is completely besides the point, but that´s the thoughts I got from the (certainly incomplete) information you gave us.

I wish you all the best. Practically, I think it would be a good idea to find yourself a counseler outside your small community.

 

[annrobert]

I cannot add much to all the great advice you have been given here.
I think the feelings will diminish with time.
wishing you all the best.

 

[sarahmann40]

I really appreciate all the advice given here. I can tell that alot of thought and sincerity went into these suggestions. I hope and pray with time that I get over him and can move on with my life and have these feeling calm down or go away. I would really like to speak to a counselor and I will think about how I can do that discreetly.

 

[Supernaut]

I have my issues with the ideal of monogamy, so I guess I am the wrong person to ask.

That being said, from what you have written I get the impression that something about your marriage is not as golden as you wish it were, if you feel you can´t tell your husband about your feelings and even feel shame for them. In my opinion a partnership is exactly about this: trusting each other to respect one´s feelings.

While we are often better off censoring our behaviour (even though it may be the result of positive emotions), censoring (and/or fighting) our feelings is about the worst thing we can do, if only for the simple reason that it is counterproductive.

I couldn't disagree more with this post. Having emotional attachments to people are a normal and natural occurance. Doesn't mean that there is anything lacking in the relationship! If you like a daisy but also find yourself liking rose, is there anything wrong with the daisy? No. Everything is different and intriguing. Now acting on these in a lustful manner or anything remotely close to adultery would have been wrong. You acted absolutley responsibly and ethically in this situation. The guilty feeling is normal and passes in its own time. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong besides maybe being too hard on yourself. You don't "owe" anyone anything over this situation. Censoring and fighting our feelings are necessary at times so that an innocent situation doesn't become something far beyond innocent. You held true to your morals and are beyond reproach in this situation. I pray that you'll see more sunny days coming soon!

 

[quatona]

I couldn't disagree more with this post.

That´s a bit a confusing statement, seeing that in the following you exclusively address points I hadn´t even made, and make points that I do not necessarily disagree with, until here:

Censoring and fighting our feelings are necessary at times so that an innocent situation doesn't become something far beyond innocent.

I fail to understand the logic behind this process. Furthermore I don´t know that situations can be guilty or innocent. People can.

 

[Nimrauko]

I know that the title probably got alot of attention and I apologize if I am not posting to the right area of this forum. This, to me, seems like an issue of morality and I have been dealing with this for 5 months. To establish a baseline for my story, I want everyone to know that I am married to the perfect husband and have been for 15 years. I know that no one is perfect but he is caring, works hard for the family, will do anything for me and I know he loves me deeply. I have three kids, all doing great emotionally and in school. We have good jobs, my husband works for the government (Woo Hoo!) and I work at the local hospital. My life looks perfect and I am grateful for it. The not so perfect part is that in my last job at a hospital up the road, I fell in love, became infatuated, or whatever with another person. I love my husband dearly and would never consider having an affair. I dealt with these feelings for 2-3 months while working with this person and I knew that he felt the same. What scared me was that this seemed more emotional than physical. I prayed daily and finally I left the job. I have been feeling miserable since and thought that these feeling would go away after awhile. I was walking along yesterday with my dog and felt like I was going to break down. The tears were streaming down my face. I feel so sad that I even have these feeling when my husband is so good to me. I am continuing to pray and have had no contact with this person. Do these feelings ever go away. This is a small town and I am afraid to talk to a counselor as if he ever found out he would be crushed. Meanwhile, I go on being the good wife that I am.

This is my view and I believe it fully.

We arent meant to be a Monogomous species. Until Christianity came through and put all sorts of senseless limitations on society, polygomy to varying degrees existed and worked. Its possible to love more than one person and there is nothing wrong with it. You cant help whom you love

 

[Polycarp_fan]

This is my view and I believe it fully.

We arent meant to be a Monogomous species. Until Christianity came through and put all sorts of senseless limitations on society,

Senseless? Who's your daddy? That is crushing the spirit out of millions of children. Per Barack Obama, President of the Untied States and an avowed Christian.

polygomy to varying degrees existed and worked.

True. Like promiscuity with no strings attached and birth control pills, it is the best idea men ever came up with.

Its possible to love more than one person and there is nothing wrong with it. You cant help whom you love.

If I write to Megan Fox, will I be accused of anything bad? I also have a list of women (in my mind) about a mile long.

Nyah, nevermind I think I'll love my wife like Jesus loves the Church. Faithfully and commited. That's a perfect love.

 

[Nimrauko]

Senseless? Who's your daddy? That is crushing the spirit out of millions of children. Per Barack Obama, President of the Untied States and an avowed Christian.



True. Like promiscuity with no strings attached and birth control pills, it is the best idea men ever came up with.



If I write to Megan Fox, will I be accused of anything bad? I also have a list of women (in my mind) about a mile long.

Nyah, nevermind I think I'll love my wife like Jesus loves the Church. Faithfully and commited. That's a perfect love.

Quite naive. Love isnt something you can slap labels on. Its so many things. Why limit it with words and someone else's view?

 

[kirk7xGodwithme]

Do you remember the moment that you fell in love with your husband? well you need to look at that and find it in your husband today in a sence fall in love with him again, not saying you do not love him now just invrease it, be young go to dinner with him, take a week end go away, alone no children, just the two of you, find the love again.

 

[Supernaut]

Quite naive. Love isnt something you can slap labels on. Its so many things. Why limit it with words and someone else's view?

There is a STRONG difference between love and perversion.

 

[Nimrauko]

There is a STRONG difference between love and perversion.

In your eyes its perhaps perverse. But let me remind you your not god, and your views arent whats important. The church needs to stop using its bully pulpit to beat those who dont see like them down.