Can I come out as an atheist to my family?

[holo]

I've lost faith over a period of several years and I'm now an atheist in the proper sense of the word (I don't believe in God, but I don't pretend to know there's no God).

There's just a handful of people who know about it. The reason I'm not open is because a lot of people, most importantly my parents, believe that I will spend eternity in literal torture if I don't believe. They're getting old and they're pretty protective of their core beliefs so I don't expect them to change their minds on hell before they die. I can imagine how painful it would be for them, especially since I have kids myself.

So I'm basically lying to them. Not directly, but when they ask what church I'm attending and so forth I just mumble something about the latest service I attended (I have a lot of Christian friends and I'm invited to baptisms etc). When I visit my parents I join their prayer groups and gatherings, trying to avoid attention and questions.

Had they asked me flat out, I'd probably lie, or at least sugar coat my lack of faith so it sounded like I'm just not sure what denomination is right.

So I feel like I'm fooling them, but being honest would destroy them. I could be sick or dead and they would be able to find some measure of comfort somewhere. But not if they believe I'm going to hell forever. My own personal life has never been better, but at the same time I'm basically a fraud when I'm with my family, and it's breaking my heart.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

If it were me, I would want to know the truth however painful, rather than living a lie. If they are true believers (not just people who go to church and call themselves Christian out of a belief in God) they probably have deep concerns already, because they will sense something is wrong. And if their faith is real, while it would deeply hurt and distress them to know you do not share it, it will not destroy them. So yes, I would tell them. It may be easier to write/email and then follow up with a visit immediately after.

You say you have 'lost faith'. I don't know what kind of faith you had before, but I wonder if you have ever really looked at the claims of Christianity or if your 'faith' was just a 'my parents believe it so I'll go along with it' kind of belief. We can't inherit faith, it has to be a personal relationship between us and God.

I would really encourage you to look into the claims of the Bible, ask questions, seek truth. You say you don't know if there is a God or not. But if there IS, and He is the God of the Bible, then you are missing out on the most amazing and important thing ever. Surely worth spending some time looking into?

 

[Bible Highlighter]

I've lost faith over a period of several years and I'm now an atheist in the proper sense of the word (I don't believe in God, but I don't pretend to know there's no God).

There's just a handful of people who know about it. The reason I'm not open is because a lot of people, most importantly my parents, believe that I will spend eternity in literal torture if I don't believe. They're getting old and they're pretty protective of their core beliefs so I don't expect them to change their minds on hell before they die. I can imagine how painful it would be for them, especially since I have kids myself.

So I'm basically lying to them. Not directly, but when they ask what church I'm attending and so forth I just mumble something about the latest service I attended (I have a lot of Christian friends and I'm invited to baptisms etc). When I visit my parents I join their prayer groups and gatherings, trying to avoid attention and questions.

Had they asked me flat out, I'd probably lie, or at least sugar coat my lack of faith so it sounded like I'm just not sure what denomination is right.

So I feel like I'm fooling them, but being honest would destroy them. I could be sick or dead and they would be able to find some measure of comfort somewhere. But not if they believe I'm going to hell forever. My own personal life has never been better, but at the same time I'm basically a fraud when I'm with my family, and it's breaking my heart.

When you say that you lost your faith: Was it just a general belief in God, or did you actually accept Jesus Christ as your Savior and have a life changing transformation by Him? If you had a general belief in God and His existence, then you never really had "real faith." If you believed in Jesus and knew without a shadow of a doubt He was real and you wanted others to know Him, and you felt that you were taught by the Spirit, and you now lost your faith, there is no coming back by repentance (unfortunately) (See Hebrews 6:4-6). If you had a general belief in the existence of God and you simply just do not believe in His existence, then I would encourage you to check out the many evidences that defends the Bible at my Blogspot article here:

http://lovebranch.blogspot.com/2017/02/evidences-for-word-of-god.html

As for eternal torture in hell:
Yeah, most churches today teach that, but it is actually not biblical in the slightest. Yes, hell exists but it is not a torture chamber. Yes, the Lake of Fire exists, but it will be a place of eventual destruction for a wicked person and it will not be a place of endless torture. God is not a monster whereby He would torture someone way beyond what the crime calls for.

Forever does not always mean Forever in the Bible:
http://www.christianforums.com/thre...torture-in-hell.7964946/page-62#post-70188591

Saints Witness Lifeless Remains of the Wicked:
http://www.christianforums.com/threads/a-chronology-of-the-end-times.7968404/#post-70216510

Explaining Revelation 20:10:
http://www.christianforums.com/thre...torture-in-hell.7964946/page-17#post-70133730

Explaining Matthew 25:46:
http://www.christianforums.com/thre...torture-in-hell.7964946/page-60#post-70184999

Lazarus and the Richman and Fair Justice Verses:
http://www.christianforums.com/thre...torture-in-hell.7964946/page-15#post-70130015

Anyways, if you have never accepted Jesus as your Savior for real and never experienced his love, I would encourage you to read this tract here:

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0001/0001_01.asp

 

[grasping the after wind]

I've lost faith over a period of several years and I'm now an atheist in the proper sense of the word (I don't believe in God, but I don't pretend to know there's no God).

There's just a handful of people who know about it. The reason I'm not open is because a lot of people, most importantly my parents, believe that I will spend eternity in literal torture if I don't believe. They're getting old and they're pretty protective of their core beliefs so I don't expect them to change their minds on hell before they die. I can imagine how painful it would be for them, especially since I have kids myself.

So I'm basically lying to them. Not directly, but when they ask what church I'm attending and so forth I just mumble something about the latest service I attended (I have a lot of Christian friends and I'm invited to baptisms etc). When I visit my parents I join their prayer groups and gatherings, trying to avoid attention and questions.

Had they asked me flat out, I'd probably lie, or at least sugar coat my lack of faith so it sounded like I'm just not sure what denomination is right.

So I feel like I'm fooling them, but being honest would destroy them. I could be sick or dead and they would be able to find some measure of comfort somewhere. But not if they believe I'm going to hell forever. My own personal life has never been better, but at the same time I'm basically a fraud when I'm with my family, and it's breaking my heart.

Why do you think that lying to your family so they are spared mental anguish and are not pained by the truth bothers you so much?

 

[holo]

The rules say only Christians can reply in these threads, but I assume it's ok to answer questions in the one I started.

The faith I had: I obviously can't "prove" to anyone that it was genuine, but Jesus was real to me. More real than anything else. I don't think that anyone who knows me could ever doubt that my faith was as real as anybody else's. The emotions, the (perceived) answered prayers, having my life completely transformed by the gospel, feeling loved and guided by the Lord, all that. Speaking in tongues, too, for those who may think that's a sure sign of being saved. In fact, one of my pet peeves was all the impersonal talk about God and Jesus, as if Jesus wasn't in fact the living son of God who could save us an perform miracles etc. You know, the whole cozy woolly toothless God that's just some mysterious loving force or something.

(Not trying to debate the nature of God, just telling you a little about my faith.)

If I could have chosen to stay in the faith, I would. Losing it has been the most painful experience of my life (but again, I'm doing fine now).

As for hell, I personally don't believe that what the bible talks about is the typical idea of hell as in eternal conscious torment. But my parents do, and it's vital to their faith. In fact it's the basis on which everything else stands and the gospel wouldn't make sense to them without it. And any challenge to their faith is basically an attack from the devil. Any question about the reality of hell and such are met with "it's another of those 'has God truly said'"... so I don't see much hope for them changing their minds on doctrine.

 

[holo]

Just to give you an idea how my mother would take this: when I was a baby, she prayed to God to take me home then and there (as in letting me die) if He knew I wouldn't grow up to be a believer and go to heaven. She said it's the hardest prayer she ever said, and she meant it. She would rather have lost a baby than to know one of her children went to hell.

 

[holo]

Why do you think that lying to your family so they are spared mental anguish and are not pained by the truth bothers you so much?

Because I love them and want them to be happy. And I believe that as a general rule, people should know the truth.

 

[Serving Zion]

The faith I had: I obviously can't "prove" to anyone that it was genuine, but Jesus was real to me. More real than anything else. I don't think that anyone who knows me could ever doubt that my faith was as real as anybody else's. The emotions, the (perceived) answered prayers, having my life completely transformed by the gospel, feeling loved and guided by the Lord, all that. Speaking in tongues, too, for those who may think that's a sure sign of being saved. In fact, one of my pet peeves was all the impersonal talk about God and Jesus, as if Jesus wasn't in fact the living son of God who could save us an perform miracles etc. You know, the whole cozy woolly toothless God that's just some mysterious loving force or something.

What you have described is a mysterious loving force, and any religion could say the same things about their faith .. but there is nothing there that describes that you had a personal relationship with Jesus. Having a relationship with a person includes listening to their point of view and cooperating with them. In what way did you receive your instructions from Him?

 

[Serving Zion]

Because I love them and want them to be happy. And I believe that as a general rule, people should know the truth.

Salvation is more important than truth though (Mark 9:42, 1 Corinthians 8:10-11).

 

[holo]

I would really encourage you to look into the claims of the Bible, ask questions, seek truth. You say you don't know if there is a God or not. But if there IS, and He is the God of the Bible, then you are missing out on the most amazing and important thing ever. Surely worth spending some time looking into?

Not to turn this into an apologetics thread, but it's the asking of questions that eventually led me to unbelief. And I obviously can't just choose to believe in the bible any more than I can choose to believe the koran.

 

[Serving Zion]

Salvation is more important than truth though (Mark 9:42, 1 Corinthians 8:10-11).

I hate that I have had to say that, makes me cringe Oh what a mess we have!

Luke 5:37-39 says it perfectly.

 

[holo]

What you have described is a mysterious loving force, and any religion could say the same things about their faith .. but there is nothing there that describes that you had a personal relationship with Jesus. Having a relationship with a person includes listening to their point of view and cooperating with them. In what way did you receive your instructions from Him?

Studying the bible, praying and meditating, things I perceived as signs, prophecies, emotions, the usual really. Reading a bible verse when I was in need and finding answers to my problems.

 

[grasping the after wind]

Because I love them and want them to be happy. And I believe that as a general rule, people should know the truth.

Why do you believe that people should know the truth? If you love your family and want them to be happy( which I believe you do) , and the truth would make them unhappy, the only problem I see for you is your belief that people should know the truth. If you did not hold that belief you would not be conflicted. Perhaps you need to examine whether that belief is valid?

 

[Serving Zion]

Studying the bible, praying and meditating, things I perceived as signs, prophecies, emotions, the usual really. Reading a bible verse when I was in need and finding answers to my problems.

How could you be sure it was Him and not someone else? (Consider how 2 Corinthians 11:14 could apply).

 

[A_Thinker]

I've lost faith over a period of several years and I'm now an atheist in the proper sense of the word (I don't believe in God, but I don't pretend to know there's no God).

There's just a handful of people who know about it. The reason I'm not open is because a lot of people, most importantly my parents, believe that I will spend eternity in literal torture if I don't believe. They're getting old and they're pretty protective of their core beliefs so I don't expect them to change their minds on hell before they die. I can imagine how painful it would be for them, especially since I have kids myself.

So I'm basically lying to them. Not directly, but when they ask what church I'm attending and so forth I just mumble something about the latest service I attended (I have a lot of Christian friends and I'm invited to baptisms etc). When I visit my parents I join their prayer groups and gatherings, trying to avoid attention and questions.

Had they asked me flat out, I'd probably lie, or at least sugar coat my lack of faith so it sounded like I'm just not sure what denomination is right.

So I feel like I'm fooling them, but being honest would destroy them. I could be sick or dead and they would be able to find some measure of comfort somewhere. But not if they believe I'm going to hell forever. My own personal life has never been better, but at the same time I'm basically a fraud when I'm with my family, and it's breaking my heart.

I commend your LOVE of your elders ... and your desire for them to have peaceful, happy lives.

LOVE is at the heart of God's message to us, and that you're operating out of LOVE speaks well of your heart.

I don't believe that we need to share every truth with everyone ... rather, we should provide truth to people as they need it.

For instance, I don't inform ALL my loved ones of the totality of my struggles, for instance, in my own household. I tell them what I think that they might NEED to know.

One's salvation is ultimately between one and God. Your status/struggles in that area are not something you have to keep your loved ones on top of. It is not "the Truth" ... it is "your Truth" ...

 

[Ken Rank]

Just to give you an idea how my mother would take this: when I was a baby, she prayed to God to take me home then and there (as in letting me die) if He knew I wouldn't grow up to be a believer and go to heaven. She said it's the hardest prayer she ever said, and she meant it. She would rather have lost a baby than to know one of her children went to hell.

The actions and thoughts of SOME people who believe in God are generally the reason we have atheists. God didn't pray for you to be taken as a baby, she did. But you know what, she did it out of love. While I don't agree with her about hell, her belief is strong enough that she would rather lose a child than have one go through that experience. That is incredible love my friend... to be willing to lose you rather than see you suffer later (again, according to her understanding).

But you don't have to agree with her understanding. Most atheists are caused by Christians who have so much zeal that they just seem weird to those who don't have a foundation in Scripture. Or, atheists are caused by the opposite, Christians who claim God and then deny Him in their lifestyle. These are they who cheat, lie, steal... but then show up on Sunday and look all holy. I get it... but Holo.... don't lay on God the actions and thoughts of the fallible people who claim to follow Him. The whole reason of Messiah was to reverse the curse so that we, one day, won't be so inconsistent anymore when it comes to our relationship with God.

 

[Gell]

Jesus Christ did not talk more about the "outer darkness where there will be gnawing and gnashing of teeth' for nothing. But since you do not believe in the Word of God, and probably not willing to challenge that unbelief, then, ultimately, the Lord will honor your choice of going your own way. Love is not something that is forced. That is why we have free will.

 

[Neostarwcc]

First of all I'd like to say, I'm sorry you lost your faith. Believing in Jesus has been the best parts of my life so I'm assuming that believing in Jesus was the peak of YOUR life. Before coming to Christ I was an atheist too myself. I didn't believe in God for most of my life and the years of my childhood that I did believe in God I barely knew Jesus. I didn't come to Jesus until I was 27 years old. I'm 32 now.

While it's true that those who reject Jesus will ultimately spend eternity in the lake of fire I'd like to say that, it's a choice not to accept Jesus and parents who raise their children Christian need to accept this fact. It IS a hard fact to accept since, rejecting Jesus means that we will not see our loved ones in the afterlife but it is one of the hardest truths in this life to accept. Unfortunately, not everyone believes in Jesus.

My wife and I are both Christians and we've decided together that if we ever had children that we would raise them Christian but if they didn't share the faith than we would be loving and respecting of whatever their beliefs or sexual orientation they have. Even if we don't agree with it. After all, I personally was an atheist for most of my life so I understand the arguments for atheism and evolution ...etc and I at one point in my life identified as transgendered. They were compelling arguments to me at one time but to me now, they're hogwash just like I'm sure Jesus and Christianity is now hogwash to you.

Anyway, I would tell your parents. It may hurt them but, you cannot lie to them any longer. If atheism is the path in life you want to take then they need to learn to accept it and continue to love you unconditionally despite that. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Or are you an only child?

I know it doesn't mean anything to you but, I will be praying for you that you one day find your faith in Jesus again. Since from the sounds of it, it was one of the happiest times of your life and it would make your parents happy. But, you shouldn't live for making your parents happy you should live for YOU.

 

[Valetic]

I've lost faith over a period of several years

Are you sure you ever really had "the faith" ?

As for the deal with your parents, you make it sound like they are not the best Christians either. It sounds like they would either disown you or it would destroy the relationship you all have. This is actually the opposite of love and a ministering spirit. But you need remediation regardless and that is why they will feel pain and will have no sense of how to give that to you. I say these things based on the OP.

I obviously can't just choose to believe in the bible any more than I can choose to believe the koran.

We don't believe in the bible. We believe in Jesus Christ. Go ahead, look at the Koran. Look at the life Muhammad led. Is he reliable to put your faith in? Is the evidence abundant to believe in him and his God? The difference is the bible is ALL about Jesus, not just the New Testament. Now when you look at the life of Jesus, is he a reliable person?

I have a feeling there will be many Christians in heaven not because they trusted the bible but instead they put their faith and trust in Christ. If you have never done this then you never really "had the faith" .

 

[holo]

Why do you believe that people should know the truth? If you love your family and want them to be happy( which I believe you do) , and the truth would make them unhappy, the only problem I see for you is your belief that people should know the truth. If you did not hold that belief you would not be conflicted. Perhaps you need to examine whether that belief is valid?

Why people should know the truth? That's a good question actually. I guess because knowing the truth and being free is a higher value than happiness, in general. I guess I feel like they have a right not to be deceived. I know I wouldn't like to find out years later that, say, my wife had been betraying me all along. Then again, maybe I'd be better off not knowing.

So I think they have a certain "right" to know, but I don't think knowing is worth all the unhappiness. On my part, there's the stress of pretending and never getting to be completely honest with them. There's so much I can't tell them without freaking them out. I just don't see how this will not crush them.