Burning bridges

[jahel]

Hi Jahel. Nice seeing you again
Can you elaborate on the Canaanites comment?

The Canaanites are a product of Noah’s disgrace uncovered. But they had to reach the stage of no return before the Israelites were sent to claim that which they did not sow.
Responce to
[QUOTE="LaBèlla, post: 74633826, member: 416395”]T..
I have a zero tolerance policy on privacy. There’s no airing of dirty laundry or secrets. Defamation of character is unredeemable. It encroaches upon His territory and redirects the focus from His work to foolishness.

That’s a reputational risk I can’t accept. And I won’t renew the connection.

~Bella[/QUOTE]

 

[Sketcher]

“Failing well means ending something that is not working and choosing to do something else better.”
― Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings.

If you are the type that is reluctant to burn bridges, in what areas have you, or are willing to make an exception? How did you, or will you gain peace from the Lord about it?

Assuming that grievances have been discussed unsuccessfully, and Matthew 18:15-17 was followed where possible:

1) Emotionally detach from the person.
2) Set up conditions under which they may continue to speak to you (this should include the possibility for them to apologize to you). Deny everything else.
3) They can take it or leave it. If they leave it, they're burning the bridge instead of you. Since you've already detached in step 1, the result is the trash taking itself out. If they take it, peace has been made.

 

[ChicanaRose]

3) They can take it or leave it. If they leave it, they're burning the bridge instead of you. Since you've already detached in step 1, the result is the trash taking itself out. If they take it, peace has been made.

I think sometimes this step reveals their character or their original intention in the relationship (There were bridges I would not have built, had I not been so oblivious to people's intentions).

 

[bèlla]

...although I will not understand why anyone would want a human relationship that is not mutual.

Society has changed. Loneliness is on the rise. Many are isolated with limited human contact. For some, the Internet is their only source of engaging with someone. As a result, clinging and neediness are demonstrated in greater measures than the past.

I’m not addressing instability in that statement. But over time, I’ve observed increasing desires for closeness and an instantaneous chumminess that’s unrealistic. It feels like a great void. They’re filling the space with people and things to make up for the absence. This can become toxic over time. They’re driven by need at the expense of decorum in most cases.

But God has people equipped to minister to every need that exists. Sometimes we aren’t the right person to address the problem and separation enables them to find the appropriate source.

I see this with the women I’m assisting in building a wardrobe. Sewing is a minor part. The majority of my work is mental and emotional. Tackling the issues with self-identity and self-regard which impact their appearance. Helping them to view themselves differently is the goal. The wardrobe is the cherry on top.

That’s right up my alley. I’m not too bothered by the complaints and negative remarks which spill out every now and then. It goes with the territory. Sloughing takes time. But I trust they’ll be in a better place by year’s end.

~Bella

 

[2PhiloVoid]

“Failing well means ending something that is not working and choosing to do something else better.”
― Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings.

If you are the type that is reluctant to burn bridges, in what areas have you, or are willing to make an exception? How did you, or will you gain peace from the Lord about it?

I don't burn bridges; but from what I'm told, I do tend to cross them the wrong way.

 

[ChicanaRose]

Society has changed. Loneliness is on the rise. Many are isolated with limited human contact. For some, the Internet is their only source of engaging with someone. As a result, clinging and neediness are demonstrated in greater measures than the past.

I have not experienced this kind of clinginess on the Internet but in real life. The attempt to enmesh lives were uncomfortable. Now that I think about it, perhaps it was her way of making it harder to burn bridges (mutual friends/ contacts, small groups, places of entertainment). I've read that people with fear of abandonment arrange things in way that makes it harder for the other person to cut ties.
Oh well, lesson learned in Bridge 101.

 

[bèlla]

I have not experienced this kind of clinginess on the Internet but in real life. The attempt to enmesh lives were uncomfortable. Now that I think about it, perhaps it was her way of making it harder to burn bridges (mutual friends/ contacts, small groups, places of entertainment). I've read that people with fear of abandonment arrange things in way that makes it harder for the other person to cut ties.
Oh well, lesson learned in Bridge 101.

I had a friend whose want for attention and closeness was stifling. Everything revolved around her. She was the first Christian I met when I came to faith. I bore it for a time but after a while it was overwhelming and my mood dampened when the phone rang. I reached my breaking point and stepped back.

I’d never encountered anyone like that. But it taught me a lesson and heightened my appreciation for tenure in my connections. When I consider an acquaintance I look for similarities in mindset and lifestyle. And well-roundedness.

I don’t want to be their outlet or subject to demands. Women with healthy relationships are less likely to expect me to drop everything for them. Or need to absorb my time and focus with themselves.

They have a life and I’m part of it. Not the whole kahuna. If she wants to be first or needs to be the center of attention. I can’t accommodate it and wouldn’t expect my companion to do so either.

As the saying goes, don’t start something you can’t keep up. The enmeshing you speak of is inappropriate in my opinion. I coalesce with my spouse but not another.

~Bella

 

[jahel]

There’s a difference between zero tolerance and zero respect. One belongs to God and the other belongs to man.

 

[anna ~ grace]

So true.

As burning bridges is never completely mess-free, it's probably better to learn whom I should not build bridges with in the first place.

Sometimes that can be very hard to discern. What I have learned over the years and through a number of mishaps on my part, is to not dive too emotionally deep into any relationship or friendship, even if it seems God-given, or healthy at first. Be kind to people. Be civil. Help folks when they need help, if you can, and if it's reasonable and not enabling. But be willing and able to keep your heart to yourself, too. Be careful.

 

[royal priest]

“Failing well means ending something that is not working and choosing to do something else better.”
― Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings.

If you are the type that is reluctant to burn bridges, in what areas have you, or are willing to make an exception? How did you, or will you gain peace from the Lord about it?

Biblically, our part is to maintain peace and do what is best for the other party. Sometimes, that results in our hurt and sometimes to theirs.
If the will of God is clear, then we need to follow it regardless of the cost. Obedience is our part, the result is God's. Lots of prayer for love and wisdom is needed. God's honor is more important than ours or theirs.

 

[ChicanaRose]

Be kind to people. Be civil. Help folks when they need help, if you can, and if it's reasonable and not enabling.

Yeah, we can be kind and civil without actually building bridges. Intentions will eventually reveal themselves.

 

[ChicanaRose]

If the will of God is clear, then we need to follow it regardless of the cost. Obedience is our part, the result is God's. Lots of prayer for love and wisdom is needed. God's honor is more important than ours or theirs.

Yeah, there are commitments in which bridges should not be burned, like marriages: "For better or for worse"; or ministry (pastors cannot just abandon their sheep). But I feel friendships have their limitations.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Yeah, there are commitments in which bridges should not be burned, like marriages: "For better or for worse"; or ministry (pastors cannot just abandon their sheep). But I feel friendships have their limitations.

I have known of situations where folks have had to completely cut ties with people who could not let them go, could not respect a marriage, or could not interact with them in a healthy or safe manner. Sometimes it's best. It's ok to keep yourself safe.

 

[ChicanaRose]

The enmeshing you speak of is inappropriate in my opinion. I coalesce with my spouse but not another.

~Bella

Yeah, if a friend makes you ask yourself, "Are we a couple or something?" that's probably a sign that something isn't right.

 

[ChicanaRose]

I have known of situations where folks have had to completely cut ties with people who could not let them go, could not respect a marriage, or could not interact with them in a healthy or safe manner. Sometimes it's best. It's ok to keep yourself safe.

Cloud says it's okay to set boundaries with families and in-laws under some circumstances. The author is certainly not free of critics but I think his approach reasonable and balanced.

 

[royal priest]

Yeah, there are commitments in which bridges should not be burned, like marriages: "For better or for worse"; or ministry (pastors cannot just abandon their sheep). But I feel friendships have their limitations.

Even in the case of someone that has been excommunicated from the fellowship of the church, the bridge still needs to be there in the event that the offender seeks reconciliation. We need to be ready to forgive and rebuild any relationship. This is the very essence of loving our neighbor as ourselves.