Being pressured to date/marry someone I'm not interested

[Zoii]

You are right. Forgive me for my belief in the power of God. I encourage you to continue to work out your own problem until you are ready to give up and try something new.

I thinks its best to focus on this guy .... My opinion still stands that its very easy for those living in 1st world nations to advise the impoverished in 3rd world nations

 

[RaymondG]

I thinks its best to focus on this guy .... My opinion still stands that its very easy for those living in 1st world nations to advise the impoverished in 3rd world nations

You tell me to focus on this guy, yet you continue to respond to me. I gave my opinion to the OP just like you did. I did not ask you to respond to me. I dont agree with your opinions yet you are entitled to them and it is your free will. You work things out yourself....I will continue to advise Letting God work things out for those who believe. Kindly take your advice and give your advise to the one who asked the questions.

 

[Jakil]

Here's the thing. We are poor, we live in a third world country. I used to have a good career going but I messed it up -- and it's nearly impossible to recover from that mistake. I still have a job but it's not as lucrative as before and opportunities are now bleak. Bottomline, we are poor. Parents have no pension, no medical insurance. Any major medical problem and that's it.

However, there is a little bit of hope for us in getting out of poverty. We have relatives in a 1st world country I won't mention. They found a woman for me who might be interested. She saw my picture and is now quite interested.

If I would pursue a relationship and eventually marry this woman, I would most definitely immigrate to her country of citizenship. There, I'd be earning a lot more and have a lot more opportunities for work (I did some research). I'd definitely get myself out of poverty and eventually, I'd be able to help my parents in everything they might need in the future, especially financial and medical assistance. In addition, I could also help my niece since my sister is also struggling to pay her school fees. The woman also had well-to-do, middle class parents and had a middle class career herself.

So if I pursue a relationship with this woman, everyone would be benefitted by it and would be happy especially since it could get us out of poverty and get my parents financial and medical support in their old age.....

....Well, except me. I already talked to her and sadly I didn't find her interesting enough. Although she is a Christian, our interests weren't common enough and some rather large differences in theological beliefs in Christianity.

In short, I don't think I'll be happy with her either as a GF or wife. I wanted to call it off (just friendship for now) but my parents are very strongly pressuring me to have a relationship with her.

What do I do??? I don't like the woman but if I end up marrying her, it would be a huge help to my parents, sister, and niece!

And should I disobey my parents in these matters?? After all they are Christians too. Thanks for any advice.

There is nothing wrong to get married if you can. But it will not happen if God don't want.
According to st. apostle Paul we don't need to get woman who is believer.

 

[PeterDona]

I think that is what Queen Esther did right?? She married someone she didn't love to save a nation, in this case, I'm saving my parents and sister from poverty.

In the old days a love marriage was the exception. People married for practical reasons, and a wife could only hope that her husband would be in love with her. Somehow it did work out for most people nevertheless. I guess that there is a way that married people can get to love each other, but you should also know that the 1st world culture is not very supportive on marriage.

 

[Zoii]

You tell me to focus on this guy, yet you continue to respond to me. I gave my opinion to the OP just like you did. I did not ask you to respond to me. I dont agree with your opinions yet you are entitled to them and it is your free will. You work things out yourself....I will continue to advise Letting God work things out for those who believe. Kindly take your advice and give your advise to the one who asked the questions.

Yes that was my mistake. The point you made triggered my opinion but your right, it wasnt directed at you but generally. Please dont get angry

 

[ArmenianJohn]

I think you have to answer a question very honestly with yourself, which is "Am I really giving her a fair chance, am I really sure I am not compatible with her?"

It sounds like you've already answered that question as "she is definitely wrong for me" - but I'm saying you should re-examine and make sure that you are positive that it is wrong for you. If it's not, then there's nothing wrong with being married and committing to loving that person more and more in time. I am Armenian and I know many people from Armenia and the middle east marry those of us in the US and Canada at least partly as a way to get over here and improve their lives (and later the lives of their families). I think there's nothing wrong with that but it takes a person who is willing to compromise with the imperfections of a quasi-arranged marriage.

It may not be the story-book romance you have envisioned (as we've been taught by media/hollywood, etc.) but there are some benefits. You will have a wife, which not everyone gets to have (I haven't), you will have things set for you to some extent, you will have different opportunities and likely a better life, you will likely have children and a family, you will likely enjoy the companionship of a wife and you will likely grow to love her more and more over time. There are great benefits to you in this opportunity, as well as to those in your family.

However, if you're truly, honestly positive that you are not compatible and cannot be compatible with this woman, for any reason/s, then do not go that route. If you are unhappy, truly unhappy, NOBODY will benefit - not you, not her, not your family. The worst thing you can do is to make a go at something that you just know in your heart and in your gut is wrong. If you are not happy at all about the prospect of marrying this woman, just don't do it. It's not worth it to go into something you are dead set against from the start.

Interestingly, the recent move "The Promise" deals with this issue, where the main character commits to a woman (becomes "betrothed", which is like an engagement) just so he can get the dowry from her father and use that to go to medical school. When he goes to medical school, he falls in love with another. Of course, all the relationships or potential relationships in the story become disrupted by the genocide that they have to live through but it's an interesting reality that is brought to light in a way we can understand with our more "modern" minds.

 

[ChristianFromKazakhstan]

Here's the thing. We are poor, we live in a third world country. I used to have a good career going but I messed it up -- and it's nearly impossible to recover from that mistake. I still have a job but it's not as lucrative as before and opportunities are now bleak. Bottomline, we are poor. Parents have no pension, no medical insurance. Any major medical problem and that's it.

However, there is a little bit of hope for us in getting out of poverty. We have relatives in a 1st world country I won't mention. They found a woman for me who might be interested. She saw my picture and is now quite interested.

If I would pursue a relationship and eventually marry this woman, I would most definitely immigrate to her country of citizenship. There, I'd be earning a lot more and have a lot more opportunities for work (I did some research). I'd definitely get myself out of poverty and eventually, I'd be able to help my parents in everything they might need in the future, especially financial and medical assistance. In addition, I could also help my niece since my sister is also struggling to pay her school fees. The woman also had well-to-do, middle class parents and had a middle class career herself.

So if I pursue a relationship with this woman, everyone would be benefitted by it and would be happy especially since it could get us out of poverty and get my parents financial and medical support in their old age.....

....Well, except me. I already talked to her and sadly I didn't find her interesting enough. Although she is a Christian, our interests weren't common enough and some rather large differences in theological beliefs in Christianity.

In short, I don't think I'll be happy with her either as a GF or wife. I wanted to call it off (just friendship for now) but my parents are very strongly pressuring me to have a relationship with her.

What do I do??? I don't like the woman but if I end up marrying her, it would be a huge help to my parents, sister, and niece!

And should I disobey my parents in these matters?? After all they are Christians too. Thanks for any advice.

Kindly and politely ask your dear parents to take a hike and do what your heart tells you to. If you want to immigrate, then make an effort and find another decent way, not through a shameful path of fulfilling a woman's desire. A man is the one who makes decisions. Hard ones sometimes. OTHERWISE HE'S NO MAN AND BETTER OFF START WEARING A SKIRT.

 

[Zoii]

I just hope that for your sake this girl doesnt read this thread because really.... she n her family are in a first world country with secure middle incomes. Youre in a 3rd world country n impoverished. .. do I have this right? Id be thinking that I hope this girl likes me because from where I sit it sounds like shes doing you a huge favour not the other way around. Still you have to do what you think is best... none here can advise you. But if you marry her dont take out your negative feelings on her.... thatd be evil of you.

 

[ArmenianJohn]

I just hope that for your sake this girl doesnt read this thread because really.... she n her family are in a first world country with secure middle incomes. Youre in a 3rd world country n impoverished. .. do I have this right? Id be thinking that I hope this girl likes me because from where I sit it sounds like shes doing you a huge favour not the other way around. Still you have to do what you think is best... none here can advise you. But if you marry her dont take out your negative feelings on her.... thatd be evil of you.

She's not doing him any favors, it's more likely she is the one getting the favor by being able to marry whereas she couldn't otherwise (for whatever reason). That's how this dynamic works. The 1st-world-country person is gaining something, not just choosing to enter an arranged marriage out of the goodness of their heart to help someone in the 3rd-world country. There is a trade-off, they both gain.

 

[sdowney717]

It would be impossible to get my parents out of the picture. Because they're the ones pressuring me and if I do it, I do it for them, not for me.

I don't know, I really feel bad about it. I feel like we're doing it for the money even if we badly needed money.

However, I also believe I can get us out of poverty someday if I continue working very hard on my new job. But my parents seem impatient about it and couldn't wait for me to be earning a little more. It's understandable since they're old.

This instantly came to mind when reading of the pressure from your parents, in verse 29.

Mark 10:28-30New King James Version (NKJV)
28 Then Peter began to say to Him, “See, we have left all and followed You.”

29 So Jesus answered and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s,

30 who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life.

 

[timewerx]

Would it be possible for her, as a friend, to assist you in relocating to her country for citizenship or work visa?

It's a shame this appears to be an all or nothing scenario.

Other than marriage, yes there is a way. If she knows someone who works in a company who is eligible to hire foreign workers, I could be directly employed by that company. I could later on apply for residency and ultimately citizenship.

But we don't know each other too well yet and it's probably too much work. I have relatives there who can't help me either in that regards, they don't have any time to do it.

 

[Zoii]

She's not doing him any favors, it's more likely she is the one getting the favor by being able to marry whereas she couldn't otherwise (for whatever reason). That's how this dynamic works. The 1st-world-country person is gaining something, not just choosing to enter an arranged marriage out of the goodness of their heart to help someone in the 3rd-world country. There is a trade-off, they both gain.

Well of course you dont know any of that as the OP hasnt disclosed any such information. What we do however know is shes got her own income and is financially secure unlike our unfortunate author.

 

[overcomer]

Here's the thing. We are poor, we live in a third world country. I used to have a good career going but I messed it up -- and it's nearly impossible to recover from that mistake. I still have a job but it's not as lucrative as before and opportunities are now bleak. Bottomline, we are poor. Parents have no pension, no medical insurance. Any major medical problem and that's it.

However, there is a little bit of hope for us in getting out of poverty. We have relatives in a 1st world country I won't mention. They found a woman for me who might be interested. She saw my picture and is now quite interested.

If I would pursue a relationship and eventually marry this woman, I would most definitely immigrate to her country of citizenship. There, I'd be earning a lot more and have a lot more opportunities for work (I did some research). I'd definitely get myself out of poverty and eventually, I'd be able to help my parents in everything they might need in the future, especially financial and medical assistance. In addition, I could also help my niece since my sister is also struggling to pay her school fees. The woman also had well-to-do, middle class parents and had a middle class career herself.

So if I pursue a relationship with this woman, everyone would be benefitted by it and would be happy especially since it could get us out of poverty and get my parents financial and medical support in their old age.....

....Well, except me. I already talked to her and sadly I didn't find her interesting enough. Although she is a Christian, our interests weren't common enough and some rather large differences in theological beliefs in Christianity.

In short, I don't think I'll be happy with her either as a GF or wife. I wanted to call it off (just friendship for now) but my parents are very strongly pressuring me to have a relationship with her.

What do I do??? I don't like the woman but if I end up marrying her, it would be a huge help to my parents, sister, and niece!

And should I disobey my parents in these matters?? After all they are Christians too. Thanks for any advice.

So you are going to marry a woman you don't love just for economic benefit for your family?

Are you seriously asking this question? What about her happiness, marrying a man doesn't love and simply using her for money?

Esther was taken and forced into marrying the king. That is so different from your situation.

 

[timewerx]

Well of course you dont know any of that as the OP hasnt disclosed any such information. What we do however know is shes got her own income and is financially secure unlike our unfortunate author.

I actually have a job but it's not making enough at the moment and my parents couldn't wait anymore for me to rebuild a career from scratch. I can't blame them totally for their impatience. One thing they're old. They're almost 70 years old. Other than the fact, they don't have much time left, they may not be thinking very clearly anymore.

So I understand perfectly why my parents are doing this that's why I'm also working very hard, two shifts, even weekends just to make a little more money for them. I am more than willing to make a sacrifice in such regards for them.

I may eventually agree with my parents' wishes, I'm only concerned if I'm doing it for anything else than love for the woman I may consider marrying. If that is bad. To me it violates my life's principles because, I'm practically deceiving another very innocent person just to save my family's future. To me that's very wrong!

 

[overcomer]

Why don't you ask her if you can marry her for money but you don't love her? How does it sound to you if the situation is reversed?

 

[lastofall]

Our status and circumstances in life have no part with God and His Word, and God is no respecter of person's. Whatsoever we do, we are supposed to make the sincere effort to do to the glory of God. Selling ourselves for this world is not to the glory of God, but to the glory of man.

 

[dqhall]

Other than marriage, yes there is a way. If she knows someone who works in a company who is eligible to hire foreign workers, I could be directly employed by that company. I could later on apply for residency and ultimately citizenship.

But we don't know each other too well yet and it's probably too much work. I have relatives there who can't help me either in that regards, they don't have any time to do it.

Unless you have desirable job skills such as medical, software or engineering, it may be difficult to get a work permit. Not all first world jobs pay much as the cost of living is higher in first world nations. Many in first world nations live paycheck to paycheck. Not many starving here either. In Europe young adult unemployment remains high. People get jobs and do not give them up. Immigrants with English skills will find it easier to emigrate to English speaking countries. This is something one might do while young. They do not want to hire elderly workers with disabilities and dementia. If you are going to have a relationship with a woman you should be honest with her. A Christian should be a servant. There is no way you are going to find an exact replica of yourself in a woman. If you can not treat her right, you should not marry her. People who overestimate their righteousness are capable of losing money in investments.

 

[Monk Brendan]

In short, I don't think I'll be happy with her either as a GF or wife. I wanted to call it off (just friendship for now) but my parents are very strongly pressuring me to have a relationship with her.

What do I do??? I don't like the woman but if I end up marrying her, it would be a huge help to my parents, sister, and niece!

And should I disobey my parents in these matters?? After all they are Christians too. Thanks for any advice.

Look, YOU are the one that has to marry her. If you don't think it would work, then say NO.

 

[Soyeong]

Here's the thing. We are poor, we live in a third world country. I used to have a good career going but I messed it up -- and it's nearly impossible to recover from that mistake. I still have a job but it's not as lucrative as before and opportunities are now bleak. Bottomline, we are poor. Parents have no pension, no medical insurance. Any major medical problem and that's it.

However, there is a little bit of hope for us in getting out of poverty. We have relatives in a 1st world country I won't mention. They found a woman for me who might be interested. She saw my picture and is now quite interested.

If I would pursue a relationship and eventually marry this woman, I would most definitely immigrate to her country of citizenship. There, I'd be earning a lot more and have a lot more opportunities for work (I did some research). I'd definitely get myself out of poverty and eventually, I'd be able to help my parents in everything they might need in the future, especially financial and medical assistance. In addition, I could also help my niece since my sister is also struggling to pay her school fees. The woman also had well-to-do, middle class parents and had a middle class career herself.

So if I pursue a relationship with this woman, everyone would be benefitted by it and would be happy especially since it could get us out of poverty and get my parents financial and medical support in their old age.....

....Well, except me. I already talked to her and sadly I didn't find her interesting enough. Although she is a Christian, our interests weren't common enough and some rather large differences in theological beliefs in Christianity.

In short, I don't think I'll be happy with her either as a GF or wife. I wanted to call it off (just friendship for now) but my parents are very strongly pressuring me to have a relationship with her.

What do I do??? I don't like the woman but if I end up marrying her, it would be a huge help to my parents, sister, and niece!

And should I disobey my parents in these matters?? After all they are Christians too. Thanks for any advice.

There is a long history of arranged marriages. Our movies are saturated with stories of how horrible it is for someone's parents to arrange a marriage for them and how much better it is to marry for love, but I think arranged marriages get a bad rap because Indian arranged marriages are at least as successful as marriages for love, and there are pros and cons to each. When two people get married they don't vow to always be in love with the other, but to always love the other in sickness and in health, so it is not about always feeling a certain way, but about vowing to always choose to act in a certain way. If two people commit to laying down their lives for the other, then feelings for the other will follow. So my advice would be to meet her, see if you have any chemistry, and then go with your gut.

 

[DolphinsDream]

Please don't marry someone you don't love. When she eventually realizes you do not have any kind of romantic feelings for her, she may very well feel used. Also, deep down, could either of you really be happy if the divide in your theology is so deep?

Would immigrating to the country you had in mind be an option on your own?

My advice is to pray, and let the Holy Spirit guide what you do next. Whatever His plan is, it will be awesome.