Being a virgin at 28

[AndrewZinc]

I'm trying my best as I said, going to parties, socials, volunteering at church etc. and yet still just haven't met someone I really click with.

There is only so much of that you can do, but and in some ways I think if you 'try too hard' it'll never work. I go to a church where my age-group is the least represented and at work I'm the only Christian as far as I know. In fact, there are so many more godly guys in my church than girls which is not usual!

I've been given advice by non-Christians to 'lower my standards' and give non-Christian girls a chance but for me, the godliness of a girl is perhaps the most important factor and so (while I have been tempted) I know it would be a bad idea to go out with a non-Christian.

I do believe that if it is God's will for me to marry, He will put the right person across my path regardless of in human terms it seems unlikely I will meet any Christian girls my own age in the areas I currently live.

 

[violinp]

A friend of mine worried about finding "the One" for a long time - decades, even. Finally, he told himself that it wasn't worth it to stress himself out over it, so he just focused on his work. At about that time, a young woman came into his life.

My friend is now married to that young woman, and they have a young daughter together. I know that it's hard to wait for the Lord's timeline, but that's part of being a Christian - waiting on the Lord.

 

[Lethe]

Sex is good, but imagine how much better it will be when you are married.

That sounds optimistic. I've been married for 5 years and was dating my wife for 5 years before that, and other women before that and the sex didn't change. Well, except for the usual, it got better through practice and communication but it didn't get better the moment I slipped a ring on her hand.

And so this is my struggle – Being a virgin at 28. It has, you could say become such an obsession, almost part of my psyche and identity and I know that that is not good... ...I feel I've MISSED OUT on experiencing intercourse and having that fun when I was younger.

I'm panicking is because PART OF ME genuinely does believe that I may not meet the right woman which will mean never getting married which then in turn mean never having sex and dying a virgin.

John2190, you sound like you are in deep pain and regret over this issue. Reading your post, it appears you have two problems. The first, and most important is that you have developed an unrealistic expectation for your future partner. Holding out for your "soulmate" or "the one" is naive. Find someone compatible, find someone you enjoy spending your time with, find someone you can love and foster that relationship. Let that love grow.
Second, you have an unhealthy obsession with sex as if it is some magic key to a relationship. This too is ridiculous. Your value to your spouse is not in your "purity" it is in how you treat her.

I feel I've MISSED OUT on experiencing intercourse and having that fun when I was younger. I've never tried smoking, drugs and never had a desire for alcohol and hardly drink but those things have never bothered me.

Don't worry about that. I didn't have fun when I was younger either. This is the least of your concerns.

 

[Christian-Catholic]

Lethe if you dont believe in a soul then how can u expect the sex to get better? If you do believe ina soul then you will know that sex isnt just the instinctive meshing of bodies and brains, that it was meant by God to be much more. I think if you dont understand teh christian perspective how can you comment on this? and if you had premarital sex and dont believe that premarital sex is any different than marital sex then there is a divide of beliefs that just cannot be brudged here with advice that communication alone is enough to make sex special to a christian.

To a Christian sex is a union between 2 souls first before anything and that why we believe that marital sex is different then premarital sex, and also that union is blessed by the holy spirit, unlike premarital sex which isnt blessed by the holy spirit.

I respect your right to believe what you believe but like I said Christians believe that sex is more then just an instinctive act of lust, good communication and anything else material

That sounds optimistic. I've been married for 5 years and was dating my wife for 5 years before that, and other women before that and the sex didn't change. Well, except for the usual, it got better through practice and communication but it didn't get better the moment I slipped a ring on her hand.



John2190, you sound like you are in deep pain and regret over this issue. Reading your post, it appears you have two problems. The first, and most important is that you have developed an unrealistic expectation for your future partner. Holding out for your "soulmate" or "the one" is naive. Find someone compatible, find someone you enjoy spending your time with, find someone you can love and foster that relationship. Let that love grow.
Second, you have an unhealthy obsession with sex as if it is some magic key to a relationship. This too is ridiculous. Your value to your spouse is not in your "purity" it is in how you treat her.


Don't worry about that. I didn't have fun when I was younger either. This is the least of your concerns.

 

[Lethe]

Lethe if you dont believe in a soul then how can u expect the sex to get better?

Well for one, sex is certainly better with an emotional connection. And my personal experience has been that emotions growing over the course of a relationship enhance the experience. Not to mention the time and dedication required to truly know someone else's body and mind. Marriage confers none of that. Not experience. Not emotion. Not skill. And not love. Marriage is a recognition of your relationship before the community and if you so believe, a union of two before God as well.

I think if you dont understand teh christian perspective how can you comment on this?

From my experience. You don't think I have devout friends? Most of my family is Christian. My own wife is Christian. My mother-in-law is a pastor and my wife's former Sunday school teacher is a sex educator! I don't recall either saying that sex magically becomes better when you get married.

and if you had premarital sex and dont believe that premarital sex is any different than marital sex then there is a divide of beliefs that just cannot be brudged here with advice that communication alone is enough to make sex special to a christian.

I'm sorry, I did not mean to infer at all that communication is a sufficient condition for good sex, but it is a necessary condition.

I respect your right to believe what you believe but like I said Christians believe that sex is more then just an instinctive act of lust>

...then you are tilting at a windmill because I do not believe that nor did I say it.

Excuse me for doing this, but I would like to know your marital status and age before we continue this conversation.

 

[Christian-Catholic]

Lethe maybe its best to agree to disagree, but as far as sex being magical, I dont believe that I ever said that. There is nothing magical about a spiritual connection, and im sure there are many Christians that say they havent felt any magical connection (my dad would be the first one to say that), but from my personal experience there is much more to it than that, but then again thats another thread alltogether. For me if marriage was just about communication and emotional connections, I can do without it but I know from personal experience that love is much more.

as Gibran had said (or along those lines lol)

For in your fear, you would seek only loves peace and only loves pleasures, then it is better for you to go out from among love's seething threshold, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh but not all of your laughter, where you shall cry but not all of your tears.

 

[Lethe]

For me if marriage was just about communication and emotional connections, I can do without it but I know from personal experience that love is much more.

...and that's exactly my point. Sex gets better when there is communication, trust, and love. Marriage is usually a result of finding those three. Not a cause.
So your original comment:

Sex is good, but imagine how much better it will be when you are married.

Doesn't evaluate too well in light of what you just said, since marriage does not cause love, communication, and trust. It is a result of them!

And that is precisely why John2190 should focus on the relationship and not some lofty notion of "purity." Because my wife's virginity status meant ZERO to my relationship with her. As my virginity status meant zero to her.

 

[TiredGradStudent]

Hey Original Poster,
Sorry, I haven't read all 3 pages of responses, so if I say something that others have already said, or if I step on any toes, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I'm just writing because tonight I was sitting at my computer googling things like "Christian adult virgin" (obviously I have an awesome social life) and trying to find any kind of community or understanding or ANYTHING that didn't just involve Christian dating websites or tips on "how to stay a virgin until marriage." (I think I've got that covered, frankly.)

So I saw your post and I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone out there. I'm a 27 year old female virgin, and everything you're saying in your post, I've said to myself and continue to say to myself. I could hear everything you wrote in my own voice. I worry that I'll never find the right person, I hope that the fact that I have these desires means that God didn't mean for me to be single forever, and I panic when I think that maybe I'm somehow supposed to have these desires AND be single forever. And despite the fact that most Christian leaders seem to talk about men as wanting sex and women wanting romance, yes, I am TERRIFIED that I'll live my whole life without ever having sex. Honestly, I think I could handle being without romance. But the thought of never having sex is just really really depressing.

Sometimes when I feel like this all I want to know is...I'm not alone in feeling so alone. So I don't have any words of wisdom, or advice, or Bible quotes. All I have for you is: you are not alone.

 

[Stephenp12]

I have a lot of respect for you being able to keep your virginty in this day and age. A lot of temptation in our world and sometimes people will make fun of your for being a virgin; but ya know what? that whole sex thing is overrated. some of my friends know im a virgin and have a lot of respect for that; one of them told me he is jealous and wishes he would have held out until he found his wife. Nothing wrong with being a virgin that might not be the popular thing but these is more to life than sex

 

[seavessel44]

I understand how you feel man. However there are many people (both guys and girls) in their 20's (some even in their 30's) who are still virgins, although many would never admit it.

I am 24 and have never had a girlfriend myself. Also many friends of mine (both guys and girls in their 20's) have never dated and I can tell that they are still virgins. Some of these "friends" are still single today. Also, some of these "friends" suddenly met someone, quickly hit it off and are now married.

Keep in mind the problem with being at a university with young people (19, 20, 21) is that they often have short relationships, lasting only a few months. Then they break up and date someone new, break up again etc. To top if off, if these people are going all the way with every person they date, they are risk for STDs, meaningless intimacy, missing out on meeting the right person (someone they might want to marry) and other stuff. I think it better to miss of that (not date multiple people to fit in) and focus on finding the person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with.

The big problem is that much of today's world lacks morals and does follow Christ. The way to be "cool" in highschool and college is to lose your virginity at a young age. The societal same standards apply when thinking it is cool to drink, do drugs, party, etc.
Many of these young people will regret all of this later on in life.
If we lived a few hundred years ago, we would see how people lived by morals, compared to today's world.

The problem I have is many girls I have met are not interested in me, because I do not party or drink, and because I am serious about life. Instead these girls go for the bad boys, who drink, get tattoos, go to bars, even get in trouble with the law. I often feel upset over this, but I remind myself that they will regret of all this, later on in life.
In today's world, it is very hard to find a single girl who is religious and serious about life.

 

[JonahGirl]

I am also 28, unfortunately I'm not a virgin anymore. I feel I am still in a similar situation though because I have a STRONG desire for a husband and children and yet have neither. I have a hard time meeting people like me. Most young people where I live are into partying. To make matters more complicated, I recently decided, too late, that I want to wait until I get married to have sex(again). How do you sell that one? lol You have to wait until we get married to get used goods?

For some time now, probably three years, I have been so angry about my single status that I would say things like I wished I could be spayed like a cat. lol I wish it would work.

The act of fornication is not satisfying, as we're told that it isn't. I'm not saying you think it is. I'm just saying that the relationships I have had were disastrously dissatisfying. And I've spent most of my time alone, often loving people who never loved me back. My loneliness(romantic and otherwise) was a major reason why I, until recently, wasn't a Christian.

I have prayed to God about relationship issues, to no avail. I feel I am ignoring his messages or he needs me to do it on my own. I do still have faith that God will grant me what I want when it's time, or he'll give me something else equally satisfying. I say that but just tonight I was thinking what if I die without ever having kids? I take comfort in Rachel's story.

God has helped me through worse than this. I owe my faith now to a time when I had no job and no promise of one and my mother and I were living off of $4 cash we had left from my last job. My cat was sick and needed to go to the vet and we had very little food. But I had an uncharacteristic peace because I knew God was looking for out us, though I couldn't see it yet. Somehow, it would be okay. If I could do that, I can do this. I say this at the end of a failed relationship where I thought just a week ago I was going to be engaged soon. Perhaps me and you are struggling with this pain because we are trying to fight God? I've done it before, hence my name. I often feel like Jacob wrestling in the mud with God. Maybe, if this is what you're doing, acknowledging this can help both of us.

 

[GUYL22]

I am 21 years old and I am still a Virgin and I have got offered plenty of times to have sex with different guys that I was dating but soon as that would come up I would lay down the number 1 rule...No sex until after marriage and respect my wishes and if that is all you(them) want from me than we can go ahead and cut this short and just go back to being friends...But most of the guys I've dated didn't like that not because I was being upfront with it but because they couldn't handle that type of pressure. I realised that most of the guys that wanted to date didn't care me instead they cared about what they can get from me. But God loved me so much that even though this happen. He made them see things about themselves by using me in the relationship and I praise God for that!!! Glory be to God that I am still a VIRGIN AND IS PROUD OF IT!

 

[AndrewZinc]

To make matters more complicated, I recently decided, too late, that I want to wait until I get married to have sex(again). How do you sell that one? lol You have to wait until we get married to get used goods?

I hope you don't think of yourself like that. When I was younger I might have thought that I'd only want to marry another virgin, but now (still single) what she has done in the past is not important.

After all, I've done loads that I'm not proud of. What matters most to me is finding a girl who is at the same level of spiritual maturity as me so that we can "spur one another on towards love and good deeds". And that is up to God anyway, so I'll just have to trust him.

 

[alt6119]

I understand how you feel man. However there are many people (both guys and girls) in their 20's (some even in their 30's) who are still virgins, although many would never admit it.

I am 24 and have never had a girlfriend myself. Also many friends of mine (both guys and girls in their 20's) have never dated and I can tell that they are still virgins. Some of these "friends" are still single today. Also, some of these "friends" suddenly met someone, quickly hit it off and are now married.

Keep in mind the problem with being at a university with young people (19, 20, 21) is that they often have short relationships, lasting only a few months. Then they break up and date someone new, break up again etc. To top if off, if these people are going all the way with every person they date, they are risk for STDs, meaningless intimacy, missing out on meeting the right person (someone they might want to marry) and other stuff. I think it better to miss of that (not date multiple people to fit in) and focus on finding the person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with.

The big problem is that much of today's world lacks morals and does follow Christ. The way to be "cool" in highschool and college is to lose your virginity at a young age. The societal same standards apply when thinking it is cool to drink, do drugs, party, etc.
Many of these young people will regret all of this later on in life.
If we lived a few hundred years ago, we would see how people lived by morals, compared to today's world.

The problem I have is many girls I have met are not interested in me, because I do not party or drink, and because I am serious about life. Instead these girls go for the bad boys, who drink, get tattoos, go to bars, even get in trouble with the law. I often feel upset over this, but I remind myself that they will regret of all this, later on in life.
In today's world, it is very hard to find a single girl who is religious and serious about life.

YES! This is so true! Bottom line, I believe, is that if you are living a God-honoring life in word and deed, then it isn't going to be EASY to find someone. However, don't try to find it. Go about your life - obey Him...serve others. Remember, your attention does not have to be divided when you are single, as Paul clearly states. Your whole devotion to a relationship can be that one that you have with The Lord, who is the foundation for all other relationships.

Most guys I know want us to flirt incessantly with them - meaning, that they want to hear things that tickle their ears, want us to say tempting things, etc... That has never been in my nature, even before I was a Christian. I don't have the ability to flirt! LOL!

 

[seavessel44]

YES! This is so true! Bottom line, I believe, is that if you are living a God-honoring life in word and deed, then it isn't going to be EASY to find someone. However, don't try to find it. Go about your life - obey Him...serve others. Remember, your attention does not have to be divided when you are single, as Paul clearly states. Your whole devotion to a relationship can be that one that you have with The Lord, who is the foundation for all other relationships.

Most guys I know want us to flirt incessantly with them - meaning, that they want to hear things that tickle their ears, want us to say tempting things, etc... That has never been in my nature, even before I was a Christian. I don't have the ability to flirt! LOL!

It is also true that when you are actively looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend, it is actually harder to meet someone.
A lot of times, when you are not looking, it happens.
You meet someone by chance.

In my previous post, I mentioned that some of my friends are still single and have never dated.
Well 2 days ago, one of my single guy friends began dating for the first time in his life, and he is 24, the same age as me.
He is now dating a girl he has been friends with for 3 years.
In fact, he and his now girlfriend all hang out in a small circle of christian friends, a mixed group of both guys and girls.
That is how they met.

 

[kaylamint]

Kudos to all you guys saving yourselfs, especially to the 40 year old

girls even feel your pain, I am 17 never had sex, didn't kiss anyone until I was 16 and I am still with that guy. I have urges and even thoughts, unpure about it, but I ask the holy spirit to jolt me when I get into these lusty trances of thoughts because they are no good, they just bring me more desire and compromise. Sex is good I am asuming, its one of Gods gifts to us. But satan has completely blasphemized sex, he has turned into a trashy, lustful, selfish thing. Its posted all over the world in public, its free ranged on the internet. America glorify s lust, its what the people want, and next thing you know they wake up 30 years old not married, stds, empty feeling, never felt love only an urge to relieve there-self in another persons vessel. Waiting is for the good, sex is gonna be awesome in marriage, no shame, just you and the person your gonna spend the rest of your life with. its even awesomer if you wait, you can rest assured knowing you have not been with another person in your life, you have saved yourself to the person your so madly in love with.

Wait just please wait, God will provide, resist the devil and he will flee from you.

 

[incor]

being a pure virgin is Gods will! thats wt He loves! thats wts honorable and beautiful. stay pure for the one u love and the one that loves u-1st bc u love God! females, learn -prov.31, 1 peter 3:3-4. develop ur inner beauty! and sons(rom.8:14), be strong & of good courage, be honorable, pure keepers, treating sisters in all purity(1 tim. 5:2), discipline(1 thes. 4:4) urselves. lets be God plzing worthy sons & daughters! may virtue reign in our hearts as children of light! -i spk to myself aswell. amen!

eph-5:3 but fornication, and all uncleaness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among u, as becometh saints.

love God

 

[Sharon10]

Sometimes we don't understand why there is a delay. I only know one thing - that God is in control. Surrender your life totally to the Lord Jesus. God has great plans for your life. Cheer up!!!!!
Marriage will happen when it has to happen. God knows every detail of what you are going through. He will perfect that which concerns you.
Those who wait upon the Lord will not be put to shame.

 

[Megagog]

It seems to me like you are really obsessing over this issue and have made it a priority in your life.

Naturally you are going to want to have sex with a woman, and you shouldn't think of yourself as vile or sinful for that. Have you tried approaching anyone, have you made yourself open to women at Church? Not forcefully, but any casual conversation with likeminded women your age should be helpful and at least set your mind at ease.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

You didn't miss out on anything.

Sad for the world, they missed out on something important, and they're always trying to fill that gap in their heart by wanting more out of relationships. What the world is missing is love.

I've met too many people who messed up their lives by having sex with other people and fooling themselves to think that it's a normal thing to do. No, it's selfish. It's idolatry. You're only worshiping yourself and following the world by not knowing what is the truth.

You are not to be like the world. You are different. You already received the grace and salvation from the Lord, and by doing so, you should sacrifice yourself to God.

Give your all to the Lord, and trust in Him. That's all there is to it.


And by transforming through the Lord's love and grace, you will follow His desires. Listen closely to what He's saying. Could there be someone worth pursuing in Lord's name?