Are you lazy in your marriage?

[seeingeyes]

I agree the wife's job is far more than doing dishes and sexing it up, in the same way a man's job is far more than helping around the house and being romantic to his wife.

So what other things, the "far more" things did you have in mind as the wife's job when being intentional toward her husband?

I find it depends more on the individual than the gender, that's all.

There's a reason that men who are physically abused by their wives tell no one, and why wives who feel neglected in bed feel so alone (just two examples off the top of my head), and I think this "he needs respect, she needs love" sort of shpiel only adds to that.

My 'job' as a wife is not to figure out what men need. It's only to figure out what this man needs.

 

[musingsofacac]

My 'job' as a wife is not to figure out what men need. It's only to figure out what this man needs.

I agree 100% with that statement - and I try to do the same with my wife(imperfectly of course).

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Are you intentional toward your husband when comes to meeting his sexual needs? Do you surprise him in the way only his wife can? Are you intentional in keeping up your appearance for him or do you always wear sweats and tea shirt? Are you intentional in keeping up your home?

Because putting out, looking pretty, and cleaning the house is what it takes to keep a man.

Personally, if I were a man, I'd be offended at the idea that all it takes to make a marriage work is a skirt up by your thigh and panties down by your ankles.
​

 

[musingsofacac]

Because putting out, looking pretty, and cleaning the house is what it takes to keep a man.

Personally, if I were a man, I'd be offended at the idea that all it takes to make a marriage work is a skirt up by your thigh and panties down by your ankles.

Wow that is not condescending in the least bit.

Men want more than sex, but they don't want less than sex. What that means is of course we men who love our wives want a companion to go through life with, to share in our hopes and dreams just like most women want. But we don't just want someone to talk to and go places with, we want someone to have sex with as well. I know there are women with high sex drives and men with low sex drives, but both of those are outside the norm(which I know you guys in this forum hate any kind of norms or generalizations, but that's reality).

I challenge you to present a survey that defies what I am saying. Any survey out there will show that while men and women may want the same things(like love,respect,companionship and yes sex) they come to these from a different perspective and when asked to rate the order of importance of each these things they ALWAYS come out different between the average man and the average woman.

When a person says "all you want is sex" to the person wanting the sex it is a revealing statement. In my experience it can mean these things:

1. The spouse wanting sex is not meeting the emotional and relationship needs of the spouse who is making the "all you want is sex" statement. In that case then the spouse wanting sex needs to communicate with and see what the issues are and do their best to fix them.

2. Sometimes though, the spouse who is asking for sex is actually doing their best to meet the emotional needs and connect with the other spouse, but the spouse who is making the "all you want is sex" statement is simply acting selfish. They don't need it(sex) as much and they really think the relationship is fine without it happening very often, and the other spouse should be just fine with that.

So in summary - "all it takes is sex to make you happy, or all you want is sex" can either be a legitimate cry for help in a relationship, or it can simply be someone wanting to hide behind their own selfishness.

 

[musingsofacac]

Because putting out, looking pretty, and cleaning the house is what it takes to keep a man.

Personally, if I were a man, I'd be offended at the idea that all it takes to make a marriage work is a skirt up by your thigh and panties down by your ankles.
​

I thought of this from another angle.

If a single lady said to most Christian or non-Christian men, I don't want to put out, I don't want to clean the house, and I don't care about my appearance and looking pretty. All I want is for you to talk with me, give me children and we will just figure out who does what around the house. You can have sex from time to time, when I feel like it, or when I think you have earned it by doing enough good deeds for me.

This would be the equivalent of a single man saying to the single ladies:
All I want is sex and for you to keep the house, look pretty and I don't want to have to talk to you, except when I feel like it. I don't want to take you out on dates, and I just want to you to sit there and be quiet.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

I challenge you to present a survey that defies what I am saying. Any survey out there will show that while men and women may want the same things(like love,respect,companionship and yes sex) they come to these from a different perspective and when asked to rate the order of importance of each these things they ALWAYS come out different between the average man and the average woman.

*Citation needed.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I hope you don't mind if I take the liberty ... I'm curious what it will read like.

I'm NOT trying to enflame anyone or start any argument.

I will say that in my limited experience with this, it has been true in the case of all except one person - a wife who genuinely appeared to me to have a low sex drive and didn't even seem to understand why a woman would enjoy sex.

FTR, it seems to me that women's sex drive tends to increase at some age. Comparing say 24 year olds with 34 year olds with 44 year olds. It may be that the average man's sex drive is higher than the average woman's, but it seems to me that they may not be as far apart, at least in slightly older couples compared to very young ones. That would make sense if a man's drive decreases with age and a woman's drive increases.

However, I think in women, the factors that contribute are perhaps more complex.

Anyway, that said, because it is said (whether true or not) that one of a man's higher priorities in marriage is sex, and one of a woman's is emotional intimacy, I want to see how the "reversal" reads, if you will allow me.

When a person says "all you want is sex" to the person wanting the sex it is a revealing statement. In my experience it can mean these things:

1. The spouse wanting sex is not meeting the emotional and relationship needs of the spouse who is making the "all you want is sex" statement. In that case then the spouse wanting sex needs to communicate with and see what the issues are and do their best to fix them.

2. Sometimes though, the spouse who is asking for sex is actually doing their best to meet the emotional needs and connect with the other spouse, but the spouse who is making the "all you want is sex" statement is simply acting selfish. They don't need it(sex) as much and they really think the relationship is fine without it happening very often, and the other spouse should be just fine with that.

So in summary - "all it takes is sex to make you happy, or all you want is sex" can either be a legitimate cry for help in a relationship, or it can simply be someone wanting to hide behind their own selfishness.

Here's the rewrite. Like I said, I just want to see how it reads.

When a person says "all you want is emotional intimacy" to the person wanting the emotional intimacy it is a revealing statement. In my experience it can mean these things:

1. The spouse wanting emotional intimacy is not meeting the sexual and other needs of the spouse who is making the "all you want is emotional intimacy" statement. In that case then the spouse wanting emotional intimacy needs to communicate with and see what the issues are and do their best to fix them.

2. Sometimes though, the spouse who is asking for emotional intimacy is actually doing their best to meet the sexual and other needs and of the other spouse, but the spouse who is making the "all you want is emotional intimacy" statement is simply acting selfish. They don't need it(emotional intimacy) as much and they really think the relationship is fine without it happening very often, and the other spouse should be just fine with that.

So in summary - "all it takes is emotional intimacy to make you happy, or all you want is emotional intimacy" can either be a legitimate cry for help in a relationship, or it can simply be someone wanting to hide behind their own selfishness.



Interesting ...

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Wow that is not condescending in the least bit.

Men want more than sex, but they don't want less than sex. What that means is of course we men who love our wives want a companion to go through life with, to share in our hopes and dreams just like most women want. But we don't just want someone to talk to and go places with, we want someone to have sex with as well. I know there are women with high sex drives and men with low sex drives, but both of those are outside the norm(which I know you guys in this forum hate any kind of norms or generalizations, but that's reality).

I challenge you to present a survey that defies what I am saying. Any survey out there will show that while men and women may want the same things(like love,respect,companionship and yes sex) they come to these from a different perspective and when asked to rate the order of importance of each these things they ALWAYS come out different between the average man and the average woman.

Generalizations are, by definition, stereotyping, and stereotyping is by definition a logical fallacy. Religiously adhering to your own stereotypes and generalizations is a great way to make it impossible to have any sort of discussions with you.

 

[musingsofacac]

I hope you don't mind if I take the liberty ... I'm curious what it will read like.

Here's the rewrite. Like I said, I just want to see how it reads.

When a person says "all you want is emotional intimacy" to the person wanting the emotional intimacy it is a revealing statement. In my experience it can mean these things:

1. The spouse wanting emotional intimacy is not meeting the sexual and other needs of the spouse who is making the "all you want is emotional intimacy" statement. In that case then the spouse wanting emotional intimacy needs to communicate with and see what the issues are and do their best to fix them.

2. Sometimes though, the spouse who is asking for emotional intimacy is actually doing their best to meet the sexual and other needs and of the other spouse, but the spouse who is making the "all you want is emotional intimacy" statement is simply acting selfish. They don't need it(emotional intimacy) as much and they really think the relationship is fine without it happening very often, and the other spouse should be just fine with that.

So in summary - "all it takes is emotional intimacy to make you happy, or all you want is emotional intimacy" can either be a legitimate cry for help in a relationship, or it can simply be someone wanting to hide behind their own selfishness.

Interesting ...

Kylissa - this is perfect. There are people who could feel(and I would argue its the woman more often than not) that way towards their spouse. The Husband refuses to connect, and hides behind excuses for not trying to connect emotionally with his wife.

Very well re-stated.

 

[musingsofacac]

Generalizations are, by definition, stereotyping, and stereotyping is by definition a logical fallacy. Religiously adhering to your own stereotypes and generalizations is a great way to make it impossible to have any sort of discussions with you.

I would agree that if you were to say "since most men want sex more than most women(a generalization) it is logical to assume no woman wants sex more than her husband" - you are correct that would be a logical fallacy.

But simply to state that most men want sex more than most woman is not a logical fallacy. We can then delve into age and other factors that may change that.

 

[cerette]

Let me clarify something, the specifics about sex were from a marriage retreat we had a few years ago themed "being intentional in your marriage", then they brought back the intentional idea as a general theme for the church this year in all the important areas of our life.

Having said that there was more to what they said then sex - I brought up the home part which you all promptly shot down(even though it is in the Bible). Yes they talked about an romance for women, and sex for men. But they also brought up like one person he mentioned she did, cooking your husband's favorite me for him from time to time.

But since your framed the statement that way - "the wife needs only to give sex?" - you must have had some other things in mind that a wife needs to give her husband or do for her husband? So I am curious what do you think those things are?

I found your OP quite clear. I understood you were talking about the retreat and what was said there. This is what disgusted me: That to the husbands it was said they need to be romantic, and to the wives that they should give sex. Could you explain why the husbands were not told to do what they ought to in order to meet the sexual needs of the wives, and why the wives were not told to be romantic? Those were the questions I had in mind.

Now to your other question, which seems to be based on your misunderstanding my point about "only" giving sex. I meant that like this:"How come she only needs to give sex, but not to be romantic?"

There are lots of things wives need to do for their husbands, just as there are lots of things husbands need to do for their wives. I believe in the Biblical roles of husbands and wives. (I find it rather sad though, that so many husbands and men are preoccupied listening to what God says to the wives, instead of trying to grasp what He says to the husbands! It was never said to the husbands that they must make sure their wives submit to them. Something completely different was said to the husbands. It was to the wives it was said that they must submit to their husbands. I think each spouse has enough on their own plate and need not focus on what was said to the other part.)

 

[musingsofacac]

I found your OP quite clear. I understood you were talking about the retreat and what was said there. This is what disgusted me: That to the husbands it was said they need to be romantic, and to the wives that they should give sex. Could you explain why the husbands were not told to do what they ought to in order to meet the sexual needs of the wives, and why the wives were not told to be romantic? Those were the questions I had in mind.

Now to your other question, which seems to be based on your misunderstanding my point about "only" giving sex. I meant that like this:"How come she only needs to give sex, but not to be romantic?"

There are lots of things wives need to do for their husbands, just as there are lots of things husbands need to do for their wives. I believe in the Biblical roles of husbands and wives. (I find it rather sad though, that so many husbands and men are preoccupied listening to what God says to the wives, instead of trying to grasp what He says to the husbands! It was never said to the husbands that they must make sure their wives submit to them. Something completely different was said to the husbands. It was to the wives it was said that they must submit to their husbands. I think each spouse has enough on their own plate and need not focus on what was said to the other part.)

cerette - I understand your point and I actually agree with you for the most part. They had a suggestion box at the end of the couples retreat and I put it in they should have gone into the sexual arena(from both perspectives, the man and the woman) and meeting each others intimacy needs in more detail.

Can you clarify this statement you made?

"How come she only needs to give sex, but not to be romantic?"

Can you give me some examples of romantic things you think a wife should do for her husband?

 

[cerette]

cerette - I understand your point and I actually agree with you for the most part. They had a suggestion box at the end of the couples retreat and I put it in they should have gone into the sexual arena(from both perspectives, the man and the woman) and meeting each others intimacy needs in more detail.

Can you clarify this statement you made?


Can you give me some examples of romantic things you think a wife should do for her husband?

My point is that romance should come from and be given both ways. Not just the husband romancing the wife (into bed). Another point is is that the sexual needs should be met for both. Not just the wife fulfilling the husband's needs (and him not really caring about hers).
I personally don't think a church retreat is needed for this. I believe people have been able to figure it out without help from others since Adam & Eve, and I believe we can too. Sex is for the married couple, leave other people out of it...

It's hard to give examples of romantic things "a wife" should do for "a husband", as not all people are the same. What I consider romantic, might not be romantic in your view. It differs from person to person. That too, is very much between the husband & wife, I am sure they can figure it out. Personally I am not very much into the typical romance of red roses and dancing in the moonlight. That sort of a thing would make me feel a bit silly or something, and most likely my husband and I would both end up just laughing about the situation. There are other, non-typical, things that I find romantic, and they are very much appreciated when they occur in my life. I am willing to bet my husband feels the same way. I have a pretty good idea of what he thinks is romantic and those are the things I do for him.

 

[Avniel]

My pastor preached a sermon on Sunday about being "intentional" in our lives as Christians. "being intentional" is our theme for the church this year. He touched on key areas of our lives, work, home and church. Many people may be intentional in one or two of these areas, but we all struggle to be intentional in all these areas. For instance we may be the best worker at work, but we are a lazy spouse or parent at home, or we could work hard at home and in our marriage, but care nothing about church. Since this is a marriage forum I want to bring up the marriage aspect of this. In fact a couple years ago at our church couple's retreat the theme was "Being intentional in your marriage". So for us men they asked: Are you intentional about trying to talk with your wife, to try and relate to her on a regular basis? Are you intentional in doing romantic things for your wife? Do you listen to and study what your wife likes and then do those things for her? Do you intentionally plan to do things for her, or is just randomly when you feel like it? Do you intentionally help her around the house(without her having to ask)? Do you plan and take her out on dates on a regular basis? For women they asked: Are you intentional toward your husband when comes to meeting his sexual needs? Do you surprise him in the way only his wife can? Are you intentional in keeping up your appearance for him or do you always wear sweats and tea shirt? Are you intentional in keeping up your home? They also touched on the impact of careers. For many people(both men and women) they allow their career to become the focal point of their lives. Their church life suffers, their marriage suffers and their family suffers because of this imbalance. They made a statement that really hit me hard - "Do apply the same energy and intentional effort and planning to your marriage and family as you do in your career?" I think the answer for many of us was no. But then he did not leave it there - he said you can't just sit back go "oh well". You have to be intentional, and make a plan to fix those areas.

I disagree totally with this. Most people are very intentional in their actions. Most people are selfish either they invest energy in making themselves comfortable or others.

I go to work and school and put forth an effort because I'm not lazy. When I go home I don't consciously treat my wife the way she wants or do things she wants. I do it without thinking because I love her.

People want to give a formula to how to treat a wife, a husband, a spouse. The reality is it isn't about intentional or lazy. It's about what love is and how to be a selfless spouse. Efforts in that will go a long way in careers and life in general.

 

[hijklmnop]

For women they asked:

Are you intentional toward your husband when comes to meeting his sexual needs? Do you surprise him in the way only his wife can? Are you intentional in keeping up your appearance for him or do you always wear sweats and tea shirt?

Is this about being a wife or a prostitute? I can't tell the difference...

 

[Avniel]

Is this about being a wife or a prostitute? I can't tell the difference...

It causes the relationship to be less meaningful and more about concentrating on actions you do because you have to. It's like the Pharisees it takes the love out of the actions a wife and husband do for each other. It replaces love with rules.

Good post

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Off topic: Avniel, is your avatar picture your new baby? She's adorable!! Congrats!

 

[Avniel]

Off topic: Avniel, is your avatar picture your new baby? She's adorable!! Congrats!

Yep yep.

Funny story 6:00 am I get told my wife is having labor pains. So we call the doctor's office and the on call nurse tells us to give her some Tylonal and Benadryl. I decide against the benadryl because that will only make her sleepy and that's not good if she's in labor. But Brittany was really laid back, kinda in pain but didn't seem like it was unbareable and we had an doctor appointment anyway. So around 7 almost 8 I decided to go to the doctor's office, it's one of those deals where the office is actually above the woman's hospital. We get there at 8:30 she still in pain but not acting crazy, we tell nurse after nurse she's in labor pains....nobody listens and we wait from 8:30 to 10:30 before we actually get to see the doctor. When the doctor pulled back that little sheet she jumped back and begs Brittany "DONT PUSH PLEASE DONT PUSH" she was 10 cm at 10:30.

The funny thing is my wife isn't to good with pain. I mean if she stubs her toe she's going to cry out and yell. Anything that causes pain she will cry, I saw her cry after getting a flu shot once. I don't know why she wasn't acting crazy or like she was in pain. My guess is God gave her the strength.

Side bar it's like there is nothing that gives you more of look at the power of God then looking at a life God made out of egg and sperm using your DNA. Life is a miracle, the system of reproduction is amazing. It brings you closer to Christ each time.

Off topic sorry.

 

[musingsofacac]

My point is that romance should come from and be given both ways. Not just the husband romancing the wife (into bed). Another point is is that the sexual needs should be met for both. Not just the wife fulfilling the husband's needs (and him not really caring about hers).
I personally don't think a church retreat is needed for this. I believe people have been able to figure it out without help from others since Adam & Eve, and I believe we can too. Sex is for the married couple, leave other people out of it...

It's hard to give examples of romantic things "a wife" should do for "a husband", as not all people are the same. What I consider romantic, might not be romantic in your view. It differs from person to person. That too, is very much between the husband & wife, I am sure they can figure it out. Personally I am not very much into the typical romance of red roses and dancing in the moonlight. That sort of a thing would make me feel a bit silly or something, and most likely my husband and I would both end up just laughing about the situation. There are other, non-typical, things that I find romantic, and they are very much appreciated when they occur in my life. I am willing to bet my husband feels the same way. I have a pretty good idea of what he thinks is romantic and those are the things I do for him.

I guess the hangup for me is the term "romantic". If you mean doing kind things for a person outside of something that is directed toward the bedroom, then sure men and women can both do those things for each other.

It would be like if you know your spouse likes a shoulder rub, then giving them a shoulder rub. Maybe they like a certain thing from the store and while you shopping you just buy it and surprise them with it. But while most guys would consider that a loving act from their wife, they would not consider it "romantic".

But for me and any of my guy friends from church or work, if you said a wife doing something "romantic" for us, we would translate that as "sexy". Like leaving a sexy note telling us about things she might want to do that night. Or surprising us with new lingerie, or flirting with us at a restaurant while we having dinner with other people. So we interpret "romance" from our wife as things that make us anticipate and look forward to something later happening in the bedroom.

Now maybe your husband is different and you know lots of men that look at it different, but that is my feeling and I have no guy friends who think differently about how a wife could "romance" her husband.

 

[musingsofacac]

I disagree totally with this. Most people are very intentional in their actions. Most people are selfish either they invest energy in making themselves comfortable or others.

I go to work and school and put forth an effort because I'm not lazy. When I go home I don't consciously treat my wife the way she wants or do things she wants. I do it without thinking because I love her.

People want to give a formula to how to treat a wife, a husband, a spouse. The reality is it isn't about intentional or lazy. It's about what love is and how to be a selfless spouse. Efforts in that will go a long way in careers and life in general.

Well I would respectfully disagree with you that most people are intentional in their marriages. Many are, but many are not. I know there times when I am intentional, other times I am not. Sometimes we naturally do the right things without thinking about it, but other times we have to be intentional.