Oh sister if you knew how it has been like that for me, so very much alike, God was a tyrant in my mind as well. My father and his father combined, along with my mother's dislike for them both, smeared the word father through the dirt into meaning - do as you are told or else I burn you alive forever.
Yet when Jesus, who lives also in your heart by the way, got me to know the Father. He took me to Him, on more than one occasion even. (Revelation 1-7)
Our heavenly Father is so loving that it is impossible for me to say how loving He is - a consuming fire!!! Is the best description I can find to both tell you how good He is and how bad such is for no good within us. That is why we are shielded from Him, because He loves us that much and wants us to be saved and not tormented forever, as we have been doing to Him in our sinful folly.
Today God lives in my heart (John 14,) and He is always with me wherever I go. Even when I'm psychotic He masters me. He taught me to love my dad and to forgive him his wrongs and also my grand dad, though this was much harder to do, the man has had a very negative impact on me though he has physically never harmed or said anything nasty to me. Just how he was and how I am. Big clash.
So if you also long after the Father then ask Jesus to teach you to listen to the Word of God spoken in your heart through the Spirit of love (as summed up by God's Word in 1 Corinthians 13) and see how quick you will be meeting with God in real life and praise Him in the Great a Assembly Upstairs. An awesome place if ever there was one. Where pure love reigns and all your longings for a loving dad will come true forever - for God loves being our Father, that is why Jesus advises us not to give anyone else that title, our earthly fathers are dads no better than that. It is Our Father in Heaven we want as Father though. Everyone wants God as their Father. He is our inmost hearts desire, from where all good comes from. Our very source/kernel/breath of our life is Jesus Christ for our lives He died so we would all be in Him.
Be of good courage for giving your bad life away to receive His good life is far easier to do than giving a great going life away. Yet to have communion with Him is worth everything. One hour with Him is better than 10 thousand years partying to your hearts content. No even that is not descriptive enough. Nothing compares to having God as Father.
I love Him much more than I love my life.
Greatly recommend Him as your Father to find, just dump the old father overboard and feed him to the sharks all around. It is a trap from satasn to do as much damage to you as possible and to try and keep you away from seeking after God as your Heavenly Father.
I wrote a poem about the time I met Jesus in the inner place a wretched sinner.
The Beggar Of My Existence
Begging I lay beside the road, unable to get-up or move on.
Paralysed after a viscous assault when I was just a little kid
bloodied I stared at my wretched existence for many years.
Hope had gone, pain throbbing, hungry and thirsty, cold and alone,
the inner demons dragging me deeper and deeper down the drain,
helpless the wicked abused my life, robbing me of all my possessions.
Most of my life I lay there beside the road alone
I don't know how I survived my miserable existence,
by-passers often bashed me, blaming me for their hate.
At first I was raped night after night for years,
lately mainly tortured for cruel fun and cheap thrills,
oh yes, those wicked ones have been hurting me!
Not often have peels been part of my diet,
weeds, grass, rotten fruit and insects,
that's what I ate, such meagre meals.
I was skin over bones and smelled like sewage.
Walking dead, longing for an early ending.
I didn't feel worthy to carry the name human.
Suddenly I became aware of a pleasant aroma,
a beautifully perfumed visitor, a rich stranger,
he knelt beside beside me and took hold of me
I thought, maybe he'll give me something worthwhile,
I'd better ask quickly before he goes on his way,
normally the rich don't ever stop to talk to me!
Facing the visitor I croaked through parched lips,
please? I am unable to move and very hungry,
my last visitor abused me and I'm hurting bad,
could you spare me some food or money,
a sip of water, I'm so thirsty right now?
Expectantly I looked up into the man's eyes.
Chewing delicious bread I stared at the stranger,
the young wine had refreshed me completely
where did all this come from I wonder?
My taste-buds were in Heaven and so was I
I couldn't believe what I was hearing
I remember his lips pronounce the words;
"Shalom... Beloved...
..You're most welcome, my child," he said,
"Eat your fill, here, have another sip of wine,
your clothes are all worn, dirty and broken.
At home I have some new clean garments your size,
a warm bath and a place of safety and rest,
awaiting my dwelling-place high-up New Eden street."
That's what he said, and that's what he did for me!
Amazed I watched as out of nowhere servants arrived,
gently lifting me out of my grime and of the street,
carrying me along an all together different route,
right to the top of a most beautiful mountain hill,
halting before a mansion I didn't know could exist.
A doctor came and tended my wounds and sores
ointments soothing, smelling like fragrant herbs
a massage, gently, carefully rejuvenating me.
Years long ache disappearing, well-being arriving,
heaven on earth how could all this be for me,
when did I do anything to deserve this treatment?
A gentle knock on my door, as I lay sleeping
in a massive bedroom, adorned for royalty.
"You've been invited at The Feast tonight."
I recall this loving moment fleetingly pass by,
how lovely he looked standing there,
"and Dad said he likes to meet you as well."
I remember how confused I had been, Dad?
A party tonight, seeing Dad, who and what else?
Why is he looking after me so fantastically well?
My mind was in turmoil after all these events,
several hours ago I still lay dying in my filth,
and now..? now I was so alive and so fulfilled!
Gratitude arose like paradise restored within,
never before did I feel so much thankfulness,
I'd been rescued from a life of painful misery,
saved from the wretchedness of my existence,
restored to human dignity, loved and cared for,
deep down I knew Life had found me for good.