Anyone falling back down into the dark?

[straightshooter_0]

Hi there. First time poster here. My support system is bye-bye so I'm trying to fill the gap with gentle readers. For background, I have MDD, anxiety disorder and a little Bipolar 2 thrown in there for fun. I'm very blessed to have good health care, so I can be on meds.

Problem is that I'm starting to sink back into the black pit which is _the_ worst. Maybe my meds or self-talk are off or maybe Satan is stirring the pot, but for whatever reason, God is allowing depression to gain the upper hand. I've definitely been gifted with perseverance and am battle-hardened because of it, but today, I just feel bad.

And I don't have time for it. I need to be productive now. So, I'm doing all the stuff you're supposed to do when you feel depressed -- exercise, break down your projects into small bits, talk to people about it.

Does anyone else understand that feeling of sliding down into depression and trying to grab onto anything along the way to stop the descent?

 

[com7fy8]

It is horrible and scary.

I trust God.

 

[rob_aston]

I need to be productive now.

good to meet u bro
(the blue word here below is a link to my blog, where by the rules of this forum, i place prophetic words)

 

[straightshooter_0]

Hey folks. Thanks for the ideas and support. I especially appreciate your response com7fy8 and pray that God keeps you close as well.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
--Numbers 6:24-26

 

[straightshooter_0]

I'm pretty sure I deleted my first response. Oh well.

Just wanted to thank you all for your love and support. You were an answer to prayer. Thanks for understanding com7fy8 and I pray that God keeps you close as well. Also thank you, rob_aston. Psalms 1 is a really good idea

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
--Numbers 6:24-26

 

[tatteredsoul]

Hi there. First time poster here. My support system is bye-bye so I'm trying to fill the gap with gentle readers. For background, I have MDD, anxiety disorder and a little Bipolar 2 thrown in there for fun. I'm very blessed to have good health care, so I can be on meds.

Problem is that I'm starting to sink back into the black pit which is _the_ worst. Maybe my meds or self-talk are off or maybe Satan is stirring the pot, but for whatever reason, God is allowing depression to gain the upper hand. I've definitely been gifted with perseverance and am battle-hardened because of it, but today, I just feel bad.

And I don't have time for it. I need to be productive now. So, I'm doing all the stuff you're supposed to do when you feel depressed -- exercise, break down your projects into small bits, talk to people about it.

Does anyone else understand that feeling of sliding down into depression and trying to grab onto anything along the way to stop the descent?

Yes.

For me it has been like that for more than two decades...

I am waiting for the beat to drop myself...

 

[straightshooter_0]

I hear you tatteredsoul. Dealing with the same stuff over and over for years gets old. I'm praying right this minute that God would spare you the slide into the darkness, if it's His will.

 

[Jeshu]

Hi there. First time poster here. My support system is bye-bye so I'm trying to fill the gap with gentle readers. For background, I have MDD, anxiety disorder and a little Bipolar 2 thrown in there for fun. I'm very blessed to have good health care, so I can be on meds.

Problem is that I'm starting to sink back into the black pit which is _the_ worst. Maybe my meds or self-talk are off or maybe Satan is stirring the pot, but for whatever reason, God is allowing depression to gain the upper hand. I've definitely been gifted with perseverance and am battle-hardened because of it, but today, I just feel bad.

And I don't have time for it. I need to be productive now. So, I'm doing all the stuff you're supposed to do when you feel depressed -- exercise, break down your projects into small bits, talk to people about it.

Does anyone else understand that feeling of sliding down into depression and trying to grab onto anything along the way to stop the descent?

Yes very much so I have suffered and battled depression many years and Jesus showed me a way to deal with it once and for all.

Don't resist the depression --don't resist the depression you have to go down there, for that is where your weak, down trodden, rejected, despised and scorn self is. That is the one Jesus is after. Honestly true.

So when you get to that self in you right on the bottom in your pit. Then await Jesus to come and help you fight yourself from all the way down there all the way back up and then back down again but this time in victory and overcoming your foes in such a way that depression cannot hurt you any longer but produces good life instead of bad.

It is love you have to learn to listen to though, and not your guilty consciences, or your manic mind, or speculation/fantasies or your hopeless ones or doubtful ones, or unbelieving ones, all such selves you have to repent off and stop doing/heeding and turn your ear and eye to the law of love instead.

Ask Jesus to teach you to pray for others hurting like you or worse. Try to love everyone sincerely, no matter how small the effort, and trust that Jesus will give you a days wages for a hours work. Possibly even much more than that, knowing Him.

When you get to those inabilities - give them to Jesus, don't try and do them!!! NEVER on demand, or must, or mustn't, or do, or rule, or law, or whatever else is trying to stuff it up. Only love, grace, mercy, caring, sharing, gentleness, self control. I used to build up self control in seconds at first, honestly true.

Just make sure you give Jesus the praise and never boast or accept arrogant voices or thoughts about yourself or others. If you pride, pride in Jesus, and our Heavenly Father giving Him to us as Saviour. Jesus is awesome. Rather ask Jesus to give you humble heart.

And finally but most importantly - follow only ThE word inside your heart spoken in love for God and neigbour - nobody else!!!

It is the living word we want as King of kings and Lord of lords in our lives down here.



(Perhaps B3 (niacin) will help you as well - I'm schizo-effective myself so I understand a lot of what you are on about.)

 

[com7fy8]

It helps me, not to trust any thinking and feelings and reacting which are not in God's peace. Trust God to get rid of it.

 

[Rasnosauj]

Hi there. First time poster here. My support system is bye-bye so I'm trying to fill the gap with gentle readers. For background, I have MDD, anxiety disorder and a little Bipolar 2 thrown in there for fun. I'm very blessed to have good health care, so I can be on meds.

Problem is that I'm starting to sink back into the black pit which is _the_ worst. Maybe my meds or self-talk are off or maybe Satan is stirring the pot, but for whatever reason, God is allowing depression to gain the upper hand. I've definitely been gifted with perseverance and am battle-hardened because of it, but today, I just feel bad.

And I don't have time for it. I need to be productive now. So, I'm doing all the stuff you're supposed to do when you feel depressed -- exercise, break down your projects into small bits, talk to people about it.

Does anyone else understand that feeling of sliding down into depression and trying to grab onto anything along the way to stop the descent?

I think it's just God testing you, because of what sounds to me like good plans.

 

[straightshooter_0]

Hey Jeshu - thanks for taking the time. It's nice to know someone understands, even if the stuff they're understanding isn't awesome 0.o

You said many good things, but the comment that jumped out at me was this one:

...trust that Jesus will give you a days wages for a hours work. Possibly even much more than that, knowing Him.

The hubs and I have our own business and even though God has provided time and again, the guilty voices in my head tell me that I'm not doing enough. And that God will only provide if I do better.

Thanks for helping me to identify the lie.

 

[W2L]

My life is a perpetual fight. I have times of joy and peace, yet this world gets me down. I may struggle with darkness, but I will never give up. I will fight the darkness until the Lord takes me from this world. Fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, they are my enemy. I will wait upon the Lord, cry to Him, and be patient. The grave and hell will be disappointed on that day the Lord judges the earth, because I walk by faith not sight. The just shall live by faith. My eyes may see distress, but thank God I walk not by sight, but faith.

 

[Tempura]

You're trying to exercise, perhaps eating well, the basic stuff? Good.

Oh, I know what it's like to stare into that pit again. It comes and goes. Sometimes I'm able to "step out of it", so to speak, and look at it from the outside - if that makes any sense. I still feel like crap, but I can analyze it that way. Then it's easy to see most of those bad feelings as lies, as something that only hurt and can never produce anything good. So I reject those feelings. I still feel them, but I don't want to obey them. I'll just let them slap me around for a while and then they're gone. God's word and prayers give that kind of long-lasting hope that always survives those "beatings".

Remember, patience isn't always something you have. Sometimes it's something you learn or something you do without even noticing it. It's easy for anyone to claim to be patient when there is no struggle. Patience often comes as a wonderful side-product of struggling and suffering. Much like brother W2L said above; there may be a struggle, and often is, but that's where patience is too.

You will endure this, and God will help you.

 

[JudyH]

Yep, been there done that too many times. I used to think I was going to conquer depression once and for all, but now I think it's a cross I will probably deal with all my life. It's okay, as the old saying goes, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I'm interested that some people here have said they go with it rather than trying to fight it. That's a new concept to me. There may be a lot of wisdom to that idea, because one thing I've noticed is that sometimes there's a feeling underneath my depression that needs to be felt--grief, frustration, disappointment, anger, etc. My depressive episodes are easier to manage if I recognize the feeling, acknowledge it, and allow myself to feel it. Those emotions usually get better with time, but not if I keep stuffing or ignoring them.

In any case, reaching out for support is certainly a good, healthy step!

 

[straightshooter_0]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone. Apart from the good advice, I very much appreciate the support that can only come from those with the same struggles.

One of the great concepts I took away from the last Max Max movie came from the line "witness me!". Isn't that what we all want? To be witnessed? To be seen? Thanks for giving me that gift.

Unfortunately, I've slid down the bipolar seesaw to the depressed end where dealing with the basics of life feels like a marathon. I miss being super competent.

In the words of C.S. Lewis, I'm pretty sure that this episode is a "severe mercy" because I feel righteous when I'm busy, as a result of some mistaken childhood theology. I don't believe God willingly hurts his kids, unless it is for the purpose of loving discipline. We just live in a broken world and brain chemistry isn't exempt.

And I am truly grateful for all I have been taught during my life-long struggle -- forgiveness, patience, the ability (mostly) to determine which thoughts are from God and which are from my ever-present friend, self-hatred. Henri Nouwen's book about Jesus being a stranger to self-hatred helps.

Thanks for reminding me that this will come to an end and that eating veg is better that a bunch of Reese's. I pray that you all receive the strength and wisdom you need in your respective situations. And thanks again.

 

[straightshooter_0]

This post is absolute beautiful, W2L. Methinks we have a writer in the house
This quote especially caught my attention.

...I will fight the darkness until the Lord takes me from this world. Fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, they are my enemy. I will wait upon the Lord, cry to Him, and be patient...

Thanks

 

[W2L]

This post is absolute beautiful, W2L. Methinks we have a writer in the house
This quote especially caught my attention.



Thanks

You're welcome, and thank you. I'm no writer though, I just get inspired at times

 

[Jeshu]

Hey Jeshu - thanks for taking the time. It's nice to know someone understands, even if the stuff they're understanding isn't awesome 0.o

You said many good things, but the comment that jumped out at me was this one:



The hubs and I have our own business and even though God has provided time and again, the guilty voices in my head tell me that I'm not doing enough. And that God will only provide if I do better.

Thanks for helping me to identify the lie.

Yeah I know these guilty feelings you are on about, very well even. Though the good news is God's love will utterly destroy those guilty thoughts and feelings in your heart and mind, they are all numbered to go, let me assure you when Christ's rule of love descends into your heart. (Revelation 19)

I know from experience that most of such guilty feelings come from our own religious and worldly morals and values, which rule over our heart and mind, but not in faith in God's love - Jesus - but under command of the accuser - that voice in our guilty conscience demanding we do this or that - as to pay the price - an abomination to be - for God's grace is sold for gain and extortion and bribery and unjust laws and rules. Keeping us away from God's loving truth instead of growing in Him.

Please do check on all this in your heart and let God's Word expose those evildoers in your heart and mind keeping you away from God's loving grace and bringing you the great desolation instead. Once you understand where these kind of thoughts and feelings come from you will want very little to do with them. (Revelation 9:1-11)

Honestly true dear sister, God's kingdom is not about doing, and must, and rule upon rule ruling, like religion shows us down here! Rather His law is the law of love - best summed up by Jesus when He said love God above all and your neighbour as yourself.

The law of true love rejects guilty, hopeless, despairing, fearful, dreadful, or faithless thoughts and feelings and installs different rulers to rule our lives down here than dragon accuser does.

Love for God is what you want dear sister - let love for God rule your heart and mind, and trust God's good to guide your paths.

Please never talk sin right but rather understand the reason God's Son had to die to pay the price, and willingly die to the power sin has over you by loving yourself to death a loveless person and rising anew in Christ's loving light - truly free to be - both to suffer for good and so be above suffering like Jesus and God our Father are in Heaven.

Depression is hard to beat when we let go of faith in God's love, so please keep a close eye out on satan trying to do that in your heart - the moment demand rules and darkness oppresses you, you may know his lies got hold of you down there again. To stop believing anything you hear or feel no matter how loud such thoughts and feelings get that are contradictory to God's love, and understand how that nasty creep gets us into his dungeons again and again by lying to us about God's loving truth.

Be of good courage sister you are greatly loved by our Heavenly Father, all those who suffer the wicked are.




An invitation to The Chosen.

God's Love will not take or will
you to conform to rules or demand
which imprison, enslave, burn or kill you.

God's Love will not pervert what's Good
The Lord loves truthfully Wise and Good.
True Love was, is and always will be Good!

In God's Love you are free to be right!
In His love everything is good proper and kind.
He loves all who love good and true to rule!

His Love is caring, providing, and sharing.
His Love always enjoys and protects good life.
His love rules even when bad life has being in us!

Hear Jesus call - 'Come join up with us all!
Leave whatever ties you down and be free
loving good life with all God's own to be.'

To the rest in your heart God's asks
how long will you tarry in the darkness?
Please leave such bad existence within.

For life must not, no never should, or would, or could,
be forceful, rude, prideful, arrogant, selfish, lustful
or otherwise be untrue to God's loving truth.

Neither should life be hurting or ill,
hungry, oppressed, despised, hated
or otherwise have existence in wrong.

Please hand your Bad Life over to Jesus
Humbly ask for His Good Life back in return
and go love God, self and neighbour with Joy.

The Church knows that Jesus is coming soon
All bad life will be our shameful past then,
so please leave your bad life while you can!

Love

 

[Jeshu]

Yep, been there done that too many times. I used to think I was going to conquer depression once and for all, but now I think it's a cross I will probably deal with all my life. It's okay, as the old saying goes, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I'm interested that some people here have said they go with it rather than trying to fight it. That's a new concept to me. There may be a lot of wisdom to that idea, because one thing I've noticed is that sometimes there's a feeling underneath my depression that needs to be felt--grief, frustration, disappointment, anger, etc. My depressive episodes are easier to manage if I recognize the feeling, acknowledge it, and allow myself to feel it. Those emotions usually get better with time, but not if I keep stuffing or ignoring them.

In any case, reaching out for support is certainly a good, healthy step!

Suppression of the truth causes depression to get so bad in my opinion. We depressed people keep love away from ourselves because we can't love ourselves sinners - while God loves us while we are sinners. We have to change our prescriptive because it is our perspective that got us into such deep trouble. And take good care of ourselves where we are stuck with bad life. We need God's loving grace there and not more judgment, hate and other love consuming inner realities dwelling within us.

Have you noticed that when we are down deep that our suffering self cops it all, not our sinful one(s)? Doesn't that strike you as strange, especially seeing that you who care about wrong hurt so much while you didn't even do the wrong in the first place but another sinful part of yourself did?

My experience is that when Jesus comes to get us He always gets us in the least in us within ourselves. So to be depressed is a very good position to be in when Jesus comes around from that perspective for it is so much easier to let go of a badly hurting life than it is to let go of a good life.

So please don't be scared to love yourself a depressed person but do it with God's humble love, not our selfish arrogant thoughts and feelings for such brings anti-Christ and lawlessness thinking and feeling around - bringing deepest depression ever instead of greatest good.



Grace.

Grace is not a feeling or a thought,
Neither can it be sold or bought.

It cannot be swallowed like a pill,
Or cheaply ease some inner ill.

Grace does not enforce any demand,
Nor is anything personal banned.

Rather it is God's healing hand of Love,
His compassion descending from above,
Lifting us gently out of our inner pain,
So we can safely be ourselves again.

 

[com7fy8]

That negative nasty stuff isolates me; but God encourages me to get with Him in His creativity.