Any song writers willing to give advice?

[HopeBforJC]

Hey, I wanted to post a few of my songs and get advice on them. Tell me what i should do to fix them, if you think it could use a little tweaking here and there. Thanks....

Tears of Joy

I'm stuck in a room
No where to go
I'm losing my mind
I'm grinding my teeth
It's time for me to go

So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Tears of joy are running down my face

I look up to the sky and I see your face
"Lord" I say "just have your way"
I can't take it much longer
I can't be the one in control of my life
Lord I bring it all to you, take my life

So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Tears of joy are running down my face

Ok Lord i gave it all to you
Lead me and guide me
Cuz I'm walking by faith

So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Yes Lord, tears of joy are running down my face


Devoted

I had occasionally said a prayer or two
But I was never really devoted to You

When times got rough You were the first one I'd run to
But once things got better I'd turn away from You

Life was always the same ruitine
Never really seemed anything was new for me
I was comfortable where I was
The thought of growing didnt appeal to me

You told me there was more to this life
All I had to do was become devoted to You
I sat and I cried maybe even laughed at time
I didnt really know what to do
All I knew was that I was devoted to You

Now my life has changed at last
You have forgotten about my past
The word of praise is on my lips
You chipped the burdens off my shoulders
What a relief it is to be devoted to You

Changes

Times go by, life goes on
The things you're so used to will change
You cecome accustomed to a certain ruitine
When changes come, you just wanna run

Main line:
Thats not what God has planned for you
Walk day by day accepting the changes that come
God is just guiding you, dont back down
Please dont back down

You lost someone close to you
The next person comes along
You feel like they're being replaced
You just want to fight and run away

"main line"

You look around to see whats next
You open the door and there it is, its not what you expected
You dont know what to do, where to run, who to call
You find yourself confused and lost
You decide its not worth fighting for
So you turn around to back down

"main line"

Come
Main line:
I've been here since the beginning
I've been knocking at the door
You keep slamming it in my face
Take that step of faith, I'm calling you to you
Come, leave everything behind and follow Me

It's been a long time since you actually said a prayer
My ears are open, so many things would change
If only you'd pray, I've been waiting
I'm calling out to you
Come, now is the time
Come, now is the time to follow Me

You lay there in your bed
Wondering why you can't look ahead
You're so stuck in your ways
I'm calling out to you
Come, now is the time
Just leave everything behind

Can't you see I am the King above all Kings
My specialty is rescuing
Cant you see
I've been here from the beginning, Come!
I'm calling you to you, take My hand and trust in Me

"main line"

 

[Labayu]

First off whatever people say, comment on, critisim etc don’t let it put you off. You’re 14 and it is way better to continue to write poetry/songs etc for 5-10 years and through practice get really, really good than get discoraged and start again at 19 or 24 (or decades later).



“Tears of Joy”- obviously very personal. Great for worship between YOU and God.



“I'm stuck in a room
No where to go
I'm losing my mind
I'm grinding my teeth
It's time for me to go”



That bit won’t work in a congregational setting. It’s TOO personal experience orientated, some people just won’t connect to the experience. Would work great in a radio song but also hard for a group of people to sing.



“So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Tears of joy are running down my face”



I’d switch it to:



“So I close my eyes
begin to pray
Tears of joy run down my face”



Partly because there are too many “I’s” in the song if it’s congregational worship. Also unless everytime it’s sung people are crying it’s better to use run than running as it just SEEMS less present tense.



“I look up to the sky and I see your face
"Lord" I say "just have your way"
I can't take it much longer
I can't be the one in control of my life
Lord I bring it all to you, take my life”



I like it. You need to loose one of the “I’s” in the first line, I’d also loose the “I say” unless you change the “say” to “cry” “vow” or something just a bit different. Again I’d consider loosing one or both of the “I’s” in the 3rd and forth lines.

I’d EITHER loose the “take my life” OR “of my life” (or poss just take out the first “my”).



“Ok Lord i gave it all to you
Lead me and guide me
Cuz I'm walking by faith”



Again I like it. Congragtionally the “ok” won’t fit there (Pretty certian even Hillsong couldn’t get away with it!) Consider changing “gave” to “give” as when people sing it is something they can be “doing” rather than saying that they have done. And again possibly change “I’m walking” to “I’ll walk”.



But good, VERY good- esp for your age- and that’s not meant condescendingly at all!

 

[lovesong]

Hi HopeB4JC!!

Taking a look at 'Devoted'. Again, another 'personalized' song. Mind if I take a stab at it? I may take a few liberties to change a phrase or two, but of course, it's totally up to you to keep them if you wish.

I had occasionally said a prayer or two
But I was never really devoted to You

I'd change it to:

"Occasionally I said a prayer or two
Though I'd never devoted myself to you."

When times got rough You were the first one I'd run to
But once things got better I'd turn away from You

Ok, I get the idea of this, but I'd word it a bit different ..

"When the road gets rough, to You first, will I run
But soon turn away, when a vict'ry is won."

Life was always the same ruitine
Never really seemed anything was new for me
I was comfortable where I was
The thought of growing didnt appeal to me

This is kind of wordy, hmm, let's see ...

"Life's routine, for me, ever seeming the same
Never a change and never anything new
In my comfort of life, I think, 'why should I grow?'
Not appealing in my point of view."

You told me there was more to this life
All I had to do was become devoted to You
I sat and I cried maybe even laughed at time
I didnt really know what to do
All I knew was that I was devoted to You

In a song, you could use this as a 'bridge'



"In Your Word, you say there is much more to life
Should we would devote our whole lives to You.
I sat and cried, maybe laughed for the moment
'Could this all be possibly true?'
Tho unsure of myself, I just know in my heart
My desire to be devoted to You."

Now my life has changed at last
You have forgotten about my past
The word of praise is on my lips
You chipped the burdens off my shoulders
What a relief it is to be devoted to You

Without changing your words too much ...

"Praise God!, Now my life has changed at last
My past is forgiven, I live life anew
Chipped away from my shoulders, my burdens are gone,
With such joy, I'm devoted to You."




I hope this helps you a bit. You're doing a great job!! Let us know when you get your songs published!!!

 

[martinedwards]

Try this same exercise over on www.christiansongwriters.org/forum real nice folks who's reason to be on the net is to encourage songwriters of all ages.

Give 'em a look!!

 

[HopeBforJC]

First off whatever people say, comment on, critisim etc don’t let it put you off. You’re 14 and it is way better to continue to write poetry/songs etc for 5-10 years and through practice get really, really good than get discoraged and start again at 19 or 24 (or decades later).



“Tears of Joy”- obviously very personal. Great for worship between YOU and God.



“I'm stuck in a room
No where to go
I'm losing my mind
I'm grinding my teeth
It's time for me to go”



That bit won’t work in a congregational setting. It’s TOO personal experience orientated, some people just won’t connect to the experience. Would work great in a radio song but also hard for a group of people to sing.



“So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Tears of joy are running down my face”



I’d switch it to:



“So I close my eyes
begin to pray
Tears of joy run down my face”



Partly because there are too many “I’s” in the song if it’s congregational worship. Also unless everytime it’s sung people are crying it’s better to use run than running as it just SEEMS less present tense.



“I look up to the sky and I see your face
"Lord" I say "just have your way"
I can't take it much longer
I can't be the one in control of my life
Lord I bring it all to you, take my life”



I like it. You need to loose one of the “I’s” in the first line, I’d also loose the “I say” unless you change the “say” to “cry” “vow” or something just a bit different. Again I’d consider loosing one or both of the “I’s” in the 3rd and forth lines.

I’d EITHER loose the “take my life” OR “of my life” (or poss just take out the first “my”).



“Ok Lord i gave it all to you
Lead me and guide me
Cuz I'm walking by faith”



Again I like it. Congragtionally the “ok” won’t fit there (Pretty certian even Hillsong couldn’t get away with it!) Consider changing “gave” to “give” as when people sing it is something they can be “doing” rather than saying that they have done. And again possibly change “I’m walking” to “I’ll walk”.



But good, VERY good- esp for your age- and that’s not meant condescendingly at all!

Well, I've never gotten critisism over my music...well from Christians anyways. Oh, and yes, all of my songs tend to be extremely personal. But yes, thanks both of you. I will definitly take into consideration everything said. As for getting it published, lol...how? And I cant sing, i just write songs.

 

[Im-revived]

Ok, good try, heres some advice, for you though! My CD's called THOUGHTS by the way!

1. Start with your chorus, which I think you did to begin with.

2. Decide wether your having 4 or 5 sentences in each of your verses, don't change the combination.

3. If your going to Rhyme then do it all the way through.

4. Preferably use a guitar or instrument first to get your Rhythm and play around.

5. Decide on an intro and a faded ending.

6. Do the last chorus twice.

For example first verse of one of my written Christening songs I did this year.

Title:- WHAT IS LOVE!

What is this love you've given to me,
A love I'll never lose,
Joined together in harmony
A family filled with love

ch In all the hard times, I will be there
Protected in your loving arms, forever
No tears of sadness will I suffer on my own
Your love will last eternally forever.

Im-revived

Hey, I wanted to post a few of my songs and get advice on them. Tell me what i should do to fix them, if you think it could use a little tweaking here and there. Thanks....

Tears of Joy

I'm stuck in a room
No where to go
I'm losing my mind
I'm grinding my teeth
It's time for me to go

So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Tears of joy are running down my face

I look up to the sky and I see your face
"Lord" I say "just have your way"
I can't take it much longer
I can't be the one in control of my life
Lord I bring it all to you, take my life

So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Tears of joy are running down my face

Ok Lord i gave it all to you
Lead me and guide me
Cuz I'm walking by faith

So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Yes Lord, tears of joy are running down my face


Devoted

I had occasionally said a prayer or two
But I was never really devoted to You

When times got rough You were the first one I'd run to
But once things got better I'd turn away from You

Life was always the same ruitine
Never really seemed anything was new for me
I was comfortable where I was
The thought of growing didnt appeal to me

You told me there was more to this life
All I had to do was become devoted to You
I sat and I cried maybe even laughed at time
I didnt really know what to do
All I knew was that I was devoted to You

Now my life has changed at last
You have forgotten about my past
The word of praise is on my lips
You chipped the burdens off my shoulders
What a relief it is to be devoted to You

Changes

Times go by, life goes on
The things you're so used to will change
You cecome accustomed to a certain ruitine
When changes come, you just wanna run

Main line:
Thats not what God has planned for you
Walk day by day accepting the changes that come
God is just guiding you, dont back down
Please dont back down

You lost someone close to you
The next person comes along
You feel like they're being replaced
You just want to fight and run away

"main line"

You look around to see whats next
You open the door and there it is, its not what you expected
You dont know what to do, where to run, who to call
You find yourself confused and lost
You decide its not worth fighting for
So you turn around to back down

"main line"

Come
Main line:
I've been here since the beginning
I've been knocking at the door
You keep slamming it in my face
Take that step of faith, I'm calling you to you
Come, leave everything behind and follow Me

It's been a long time since you actually said a prayer
My ears are open, so many things would change
If only you'd pray, I've been waiting
I'm calling out to you
Come, now is the time
Come, now is the time to follow Me

You lay there in your bed
Wondering why you can't look ahead
You're so stuck in your ways
I'm calling out to you
Come, now is the time
Just leave everything behind

Can't you see I am the King above all Kings
My specialty is rescuing
Cant you see
I've been here from the beginning, Come!
I'm calling you to you, take My hand and trust in Me

"main line"

 

[dustinmayo]

Well, I've never gotten critisism over my music...well from Christians anyways. Oh, and yes, all of my songs tend to be extremely personal. But yes, thanks both of you. I will definitly take into consideration everything said. As for getting it published, lol...how? And I cant sing, i just write songs.
i think you show a lot of potential i can't sing but i also write pick up a guitar or piano and learn to play even if you can't sing you can sing to yourself you'll love it

 

[fanintoflame]

I think you are doing great and commend you for being brave and sharing...

So I close my eyes
I begin to pray
Tears of joy are running down my face

I think these are powerful words... when writing be careful not to take something and just paraphrase it. The band Creed has a song called With Arms Wide Open which has some lyrics simular to yours:

With Arms Wide Open

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

 

[godsgirl4ever]

heres what i have to say:

Right before u start to write a song start to pray & ask god to help u with the lyrcis. Just pray & God will help u on that one song.

 

[Labayu]

Critisism isn't bad

From what I can see you're doing great...

but one of the biggest mistakes worship song writers make is that their songs become too "precious". They're not willing to be ruthless in order to make them better. Don't just leave it as it comes out or leave certain bits in it because you wrote it, but be willing to make changes to make a good song great. I forgot who said that great songwritting is 10% insperation and 90% persperation.

When you're writing songs they'll need to be crafted diff depending on the audience it's intended for.

As for published? A while back Soul Survivor did two "people's albums" where people sent in songs (there are bound to be other doing similar things). If your part of Hillsong (Sydney, London etc) at all (I know your prob not) you can submit songs through the WACA dept... but the thing you need to be sure of is are you doing this to bless others/the church or mearly to become famous

Trust me, God can provide opportunites you couldnt begin to imagine if it's his will AND you ask him (and then take them).

 

[Im-revived]

What you have written at the end is very important fact, if you are doing Christian songs and CDs and going further, non of it should be for your own ego lift, they always should be for the Lord not yourself or you will find you won't get the words from the Lord and become seriously stuck.

Im-revived

Critisism isn't bad

From what I can see you're doing great...

but one of the biggest mistakes worship song writers make is that their songs become too "precious". They're not willing to be ruthless in order to make them better. Don't just leave it as it comes out or leave certain bits in it because you wrote it, but be willing to make changes to make a good song great. I forgot who said that great songwritting is 10% insperation and 90% persperation.

When you're writing songs they'll need to be crafted diff depending on the audience it's intended for.

As for published? A while back Soul Survivor did two "people's albums" where people sent in songs (there are bound to be other doing similar things). If your part of Hillsong (Sydney, London etc) at all (I know your prob not) you can submit songs through the WACA dept... but the thing you need to be sure of is are you doing this to bless others/the church or mearly to become famous

Trust me, God can provide opportunites you couldnt begin to imagine if it's his will AND you ask him (and then take them).