- Feb 19, 2017
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Hello everyone. I'm going to be honest in saying that I feel a bit awkward coming back here at this time because of all of the things that have transpired since I was last on ChristianForums. To make a long story short, I had yet another mental health episode in which I felt compelled to turn away from religion altogether and, instead, tried to find solace in worldly lies. I know this isn't all that uncommon, but it still feels so embarrassing to admit to all the same.
I lost my job in May and have been job-hopping ever since. It's been really hard to stay afloat, and because of all of the hardship I was facing, I impulsively worked with my medical team to start me on some medication that I should not have been taking in the first place. I had caved into the temptation to begin taking cross-sex hormones in an attempt to deepen my voice, and I started to see if I could begin saving some money in order to have surgery done to get a double mastectomy. In hindsight, I wish I had never entertained these thoughts in the first place, but these desires have been in my head ever since I was fifteen years old (I'm 27 now). I was on the hormones for a month and a half before stopping them due to some concerns I was having, and now I'm just hoping that the effects of the hormones will stop and hopefully reverse at least to some degree... I don't feel sorry for myself, though. I was told about all of these side effects and risks going into this, so I have no one to blame but myself. Still, I wish that I would have stopped myself from making this decision in the first place.
I think that I did this because of the undue stress I was facing. I impulsively did these things because it was my way of attempting to escape my situation in some form. It doesn't make any sense, but at the same time, I just wanted to feel better about something or anything at the time... Another thing that happened during my break from ChristianForums was that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder where one of the primary symptoms is a lack of a sense of self. I would try to blend in with others like a chameleon, and that's how I've survived my entire life. But now that I no longer have to survive, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know who it is that I am on my own. That's why I'm constantly changing my mind and trying to re-invent myself. It's really exhausting, to say the least.
Anyways, in an attempt to try and treat my personality disorder, I started taking a DBT class at the suggestion of my therapist. It's been incredibly helpful and has been helping me to shape a sense of identity for myself, but I'm realizing that the class alone won't be enough to help me with overcoming this struggle of mine. I'm going to need a lot more than simple coping skills in order to beat this, so I went back to the drawing board and tried to see where I could make things even better in my situation.
When thinking about the things that bring me a solid sense of peace, I am always brought back to religion. I was raised Muslim and religion was used as something to keep me grounded in certain beliefs and behaviors back then. Of course, nowadays, I've decided that Islam simply is not my home, no matter how many times I've tried to go back over the years. So I basically felt religiously homeless for awhile. I've tried Non-denominational Christianity too, but I'm afraid it also hasn't worked out for me, likely due to the fact that I kept on trying to twist it to fit my own wants rather than God's wants. Jesus kept calling to my heart, though, and inviting me to come to Him, but I continued resisting, not seeing Catholicism as a valid way back to Him... but then I caved in and decided to give the Church another chance.
This week has involved me attending daily Mass, going to Confession, saying the rosary, participating in Eucharistic adoration, and engaging in fellowship with other Catholics. It's been a good experience so far, but at the same time, I'm also trying to prepare myself for the next wave of doubt and temptation that will likely be headed straight for me. I feel like a strayed sheep with a target on my back, and the wolves are on the prowl waiting for their chance to pounce. That's why I've been drowning myself in religious activities as of late, because that can help to serve as my protection against the spiritual attacks that I have, no doubt, been experiencing. I figure that if I can ground myself back into Catholicism firmly enough and surround myself with a community that can support me, I might be able to get to a place where this solidifies as who I am and I won't have to continue searching endlessly for an identity. I'm also hoping that I'd be able to become strong enough to overcome this personality disorder to a point where I'd no longer qualify for the diagnosis anymore. That is my dream, along with getting off of the medications I have been taking for years for my mental health. I just want to be normal and healthy someday. I feel like a failure for struggling with these things (especially since that would mean that many religious communities for sisters and nuns would turn me away... trust me, one of them already told me so some years back).
All of this is to say that I really do want to come back to the Catholic Church. I want to embrace the truth and realities that the Church sets forth for us, and I want to someday be worthy of becoming a saint. In my current state, it feels impossible. But maybe someday I can make it to sainthood.
Please pray for me.
I lost my job in May and have been job-hopping ever since. It's been really hard to stay afloat, and because of all of the hardship I was facing, I impulsively worked with my medical team to start me on some medication that I should not have been taking in the first place. I had caved into the temptation to begin taking cross-sex hormones in an attempt to deepen my voice, and I started to see if I could begin saving some money in order to have surgery done to get a double mastectomy. In hindsight, I wish I had never entertained these thoughts in the first place, but these desires have been in my head ever since I was fifteen years old (I'm 27 now). I was on the hormones for a month and a half before stopping them due to some concerns I was having, and now I'm just hoping that the effects of the hormones will stop and hopefully reverse at least to some degree... I don't feel sorry for myself, though. I was told about all of these side effects and risks going into this, so I have no one to blame but myself. Still, I wish that I would have stopped myself from making this decision in the first place.
I think that I did this because of the undue stress I was facing. I impulsively did these things because it was my way of attempting to escape my situation in some form. It doesn't make any sense, but at the same time, I just wanted to feel better about something or anything at the time... Another thing that happened during my break from ChristianForums was that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder where one of the primary symptoms is a lack of a sense of self. I would try to blend in with others like a chameleon, and that's how I've survived my entire life. But now that I no longer have to survive, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know who it is that I am on my own. That's why I'm constantly changing my mind and trying to re-invent myself. It's really exhausting, to say the least.
Anyways, in an attempt to try and treat my personality disorder, I started taking a DBT class at the suggestion of my therapist. It's been incredibly helpful and has been helping me to shape a sense of identity for myself, but I'm realizing that the class alone won't be enough to help me with overcoming this struggle of mine. I'm going to need a lot more than simple coping skills in order to beat this, so I went back to the drawing board and tried to see where I could make things even better in my situation.
When thinking about the things that bring me a solid sense of peace, I am always brought back to religion. I was raised Muslim and religion was used as something to keep me grounded in certain beliefs and behaviors back then. Of course, nowadays, I've decided that Islam simply is not my home, no matter how many times I've tried to go back over the years. So I basically felt religiously homeless for awhile. I've tried Non-denominational Christianity too, but I'm afraid it also hasn't worked out for me, likely due to the fact that I kept on trying to twist it to fit my own wants rather than God's wants. Jesus kept calling to my heart, though, and inviting me to come to Him, but I continued resisting, not seeing Catholicism as a valid way back to Him... but then I caved in and decided to give the Church another chance.
This week has involved me attending daily Mass, going to Confession, saying the rosary, participating in Eucharistic adoration, and engaging in fellowship with other Catholics. It's been a good experience so far, but at the same time, I'm also trying to prepare myself for the next wave of doubt and temptation that will likely be headed straight for me. I feel like a strayed sheep with a target on my back, and the wolves are on the prowl waiting for their chance to pounce. That's why I've been drowning myself in religious activities as of late, because that can help to serve as my protection against the spiritual attacks that I have, no doubt, been experiencing. I figure that if I can ground myself back into Catholicism firmly enough and surround myself with a community that can support me, I might be able to get to a place where this solidifies as who I am and I won't have to continue searching endlessly for an identity. I'm also hoping that I'd be able to become strong enough to overcome this personality disorder to a point where I'd no longer qualify for the diagnosis anymore. That is my dream, along with getting off of the medications I have been taking for years for my mental health. I just want to be normal and healthy someday. I feel like a failure for struggling with these things (especially since that would mean that many religious communities for sisters and nuns would turn me away... trust me, one of them already told me so some years back).
All of this is to say that I really do want to come back to the Catholic Church. I want to embrace the truth and realities that the Church sets forth for us, and I want to someday be worthy of becoming a saint. In my current state, it feels impossible. But maybe someday I can make it to sainthood.
Please pray for me.
