Am I doing the right thing? Please respond soon!

[KGirl]

Ok, my husband has his problems of yelling, being selfish (not that I don't I'm just trying to sum this up), and if things don't get better, I think they'll get worse without counseling. In any event, I think of yelling as hittings' cousin. I told him if he didn't actively seek counseling that it's over. Is it controlling of me, or do I deserve a man who will do his part and not have any abuse? I did my part of ending my controlling ways, which he wanted. Should I apologise and say that I shouldn't make him? Or should I stick with it?

 

[psychoceramic]

wow, thats tough and all i can do is pray for you.. and i will.

Lord father God, we come before you on this day of heartbrokeness seeking an answer for our friend and sister in christ. You know the thoughts behind her thoughts and his actions and you know the truth when it can not be seen by human eyes or felt by human hearts. You know the plan you have for this family and that they include you and your desires for thier lives. Lord we ask that you would open the eyes of all those involved and i ask that they would truly see each other as you have made them and ask that they see themselves as you have made them.

Lord i pray that you will would be done in this family and you would get all the glory,

In JESUS name,

AMEn

 

[WolfGate]

I think it's too strong to tell him it's over if he doesn't go to counseling. Even if he agrees to go, I doubt it will be in the proper frame of mind. I'm sure he's defensive about it right now. And is leaving something you're really wanting to do if he doesn't go? Those kind of absolute threats seldom get the result you want and usually make things worse.

I'd suggest backing away from the statement. Telling him that you really think it's best for your marriage if the two of you go. Tell him you want both of you to enjoy being married and that's not the case right now. If he says "no", then I think you should go to counseling alone - and let him know he's welcome to join you at any time. And continue to let him know as time goes on.

We were where you are early in our marriage. We've gone through 2 times where we saw a Christian counselor. It wasn't easy to start, but 16 years later I'm glad we did. I enjoy marriage.

 

[Leanna]

You should both to counseling together, like a team thing

 

[jd032700]

I think it's too strong to tell him it's over if he doesn't go to counseling. Even if he agrees to go, I doubt it will be in the proper frame of mind. I'm sure he's defensive about it right now. And is leaving something you're really wanting to do if he doesn't go? Those kind of absolute threats seldom get the result you want and usually make things worse.

I'd suggest backing away from the statement. Telling him that you really think it's best for your marriage if the two of you go. Tell him you want both of you to enjoy being married and that's not the case right now. If he says "no", then I think you should go to counseling alone - and let him know he's welcome to join you at any time. And continue to let him know as time goes on.

We were where you are early in our marriage. We've gone through 2 times where we saw a Christian counselor. It wasn't easy to start, but 16 years later I'm glad we did. I enjoy marriage.

good advice

 

[Svt4Him]

I know of two people who don't spank their kids, but yell all the time. When those kids grow up, they will probably yell as well. I have never seen either of them hit their kids, which is probably why they have to yell all the time. So that said, I do not believe yelling is kissing cousin to hitting. But that said, I think a husband who yells at his wife has some issues to deal with in the way he shows his love, although there are perhaps a few reasons it may come out like that. I too wish you the best.

 

[KGirl]

I had sent him an email saying it, but called and said that I didn't really feel like that's what I wanted, and didn't want to force him. I said that I was wondering if it was the right thing, and thought I might be doing the right thing, but didn't feel it, so.. We can't go together because we're in different states. My mother thinks if he was gonna do it that he'd already have done it. She said that when him and I decided to make it work that he didn't seem to give "effort". It was after talking to her that I thought I should say that. The reason I went against my feelings at the time is bc I know that females in the situation usually get caught up in emotion, and fail to do what they really should do. But, when I think about what I've read about stuff like this, and what someone in a relationship should do, it's always the unselfish thing. It's hard, because he has alot to do and he's confused about things, but it doesn't seem like having us work/him making me happy is a priority to him. Yet I can't just expect it, but I also feel like I'm selling myself short for not expecting it. He changed alot from when we dated. It's hard, because I was his priority, and now he seems to care more if his car's fixed, but that one's hard to tell bc he was suppose to come see me. So who knows. I also don't know how he thinks, so it's harder. I don't know how selfish he really is, but he appears to be. I dunno how to handle it bc I can't stand it.

 

[FaithAlone]

We can't go together because we're in different states. My mother thinks if he was gonna do it that he'd already have done it.

Are you living in different states for long periods of time or is this a short term work thing? Long term distance is never good especially in the short period of time that you've been married. Also you can get coundel from your mom but be careful not to let her talk you into feelings that you didn't have to start with. I think if you want to make this work you two need to decide what's really important and go to counseling together. When does he visit from out of state? Can you go to counseling then? It doesn't matter how much money someone makes at a job if your marriage falls apart.

 

[heartnsoul]

If your husband won't go to counseling with you, then I would encourage you to go by yourself. It will still be worth going by yourself to get help on how to deal with your husband. The counselor may also be able to shed some light on his behaviors and give you a better understanding of what is really going on in your marriage. Sounds like you are in a very tough spot right now. Every marriage has crossroads and you're at one right now, unfortunately. It sounds like there may be some communication problems between you and your husband. Couples who live together long enough know how to push each other's buttons, so to speak. So (without realizing it), both of you are pushing each other's buttons and are reacting destructively to it. Your husband is reacting to something you said and may be taking it defensively. Sometimes a tone of voice can send the wrong message to someone too. So, you may not yell at him, but your tone of voice can speak volumes too. That's why going to counseling yourself, maybe buying a few books to read on communication styles will help you start communicating more effectively. Just your actions alone and style of communicating can positively affect your husband's reaction to you. I'm not saying it's your fault that he is acting that way, but in a relationship, there's always a "dance" going on and couples keep relating to each other the same way without realizing that the styles are what is causing the negative reactions.

Learning how to communicate constructively and effectively will take time. Yelling is not a good reason to divorce. Marriage takes a lot of patience and hard work. Sometimes the work is one sided, but one person changing in a relationship can greatly impact positive change in the other person. So, take time out for yourself. You be the "bigger, more mature" person in the marriage and take the initiative to improve the marriage. Instead of focusing on your husband's problems, focus on your own issues and work on improving yourself. It would be a good idea for you to also draw closer to God right now and lean on Him for comfort and strength. Find friends that will help encourage you through this tough time. I will keep you in my prayers. May God give you patience and wisdom as your marriage heals. God bless you.

 

[seebs]

I would need to know why, and for how long, you're in different states.

If he's yelling because of stress because he's separated from his sweetie, it may be a self-correcting problem.

 

[searle29678]

Learning how to communicate constructively and effectively will take time. Yelling is not a good reason to divorce. Marriage takes a lot of patience and hard work. Sometimes the work is one sided, but one person changing in a relationship can greatly impact positive change in the other person. So, take time out for yourself. You be the "bigger, more mature" person in the marriage and take the initiative to improve the marriage. Instead of focusing on your husband's problems, focus on your own issues and work on improving yourself. It would be a good idea for you to also draw closer to God right now and lean on Him for comfort and strength.

Well said....excellent advice.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

I'm gonna be bold and ask an honest question that may get me into trouble- but are looking for little nuks&crannies to justify a divorce?? I am sorry your dh is a yeller and I guess yelling affects everyone differently. My dh has been known to yell (sometimes he doesn't realize it) at me in the past, but I am not traumatized over it or think we need counseling. It is intimidating, but I don't fear him, as if he were to hit me! Hitting is a big no, no, and I think the two are apples and oranges! Now if he's getting up in your face yelling and backing you into a wall, shaking his fist at you, that is abusive! So yes i would retract my statement!

 

[bliz]

I'd suggest backing away from the statement. Telling him that you really think it's best for your marriage if the two of you go. Tell him you want both of you to enjoy being married and that's not the case right now. If he says "no", then I think you should go to counseling alone - and let him know he's welcome to join you at any time. And continue to let him know as time goes on.

Excellent advice!

 

[CynthiaSpeaks]

Sweetie, how on earth can the two of you work on your marriage if you are in separate states? How difficult that must be. You seem to be trying to solve problems without the benefit of looking into each others eyes, hugging, making love, etc. You are young and no doubt fairly newly married. You need to be together. If he cannot move back with you, can you go to him? Your marriage is too important for you to keep living this way.

Also, please don't mistake some of your husband's actions for his not caring. Men are very job oriented. Your husband's job, fixing the car, etc. are ways he shows he loves you.

I don't think yelling is hitting's cousin, either. Perhaps he is stressed, immature, and frustrated. Keep trying.



PS-Perhaps you are very close to your mom. However, being an adult married woman means keeping your marital problems to yourself, and certainly away from your mom. She, no doubt, loves you and thus, will be biased in her advice. It is only natural. Difficult as it may be, you need to keep your marital problems away from her. You are cleaved to your husband now.

I hope I haven't offended you. But I'm an "old married woman" whose gone thru much of what you are going thru now. Experience is a very good teacher.

 

[erin74]

As someone who saw my parents marriage fall apart partly due to living a long way from each other, can I encourage you to do what you have to to be together. Even if it means sacrificing one of your jobs - just do it. It is far more important to work on your marriage, and no amount of money that you or your hubby may be able to bring in will improve your relationship. Give your marriage the chance it needs.

Sorry if I may have made false assumptions, but I have seen too many marriages destroyed by distance to not say anything. So often it seems to be because both spouses are trying to cling to their jobs. So I am sorry if I have got it completely wrong.

Erin

 

[KGirl]

We can't afford for me to live there, and he has to be there because he's stationed there. He goes off and on deployment, so he can come here on occasion on a weekend. I'm staying with him and working at it and such. I can't get a job yet here because I have to get my marriage license in the mail, and I have to get a social security card with my new name. I only have an old ID before getting married.
In any event, I either stay living with my mother, and wait to have a job, and see my husband every now and then, or live with a friend who's farther away, get a job right away, but not see him for months because the distance is too far. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to move in with the friend to help us have money, yet we wouldn't see each other much at all.